A VERY POTTER SITCOM
Pilot episode
(A very Potter pilot)
(TV- 14)
Note: This is a Fanfic based on the hilarious parody musicals A very Potter musical/ A very Potter sequel. If you haven't seen them on YouTube yet then see it before you read this. This is my idea for a TV show based on the musicals. Enjoy and review please!
(The invisible live studio audience cheer as the scene starts with Harry sitting at the Dursleys house with a sad face on. The music of "Going back to Hogwarts" starts.)
Harry singing: Underneath the stairs, I here the snares and feel the glairs of my cousin, my uncle, and my aunt. I can't believe how cruel they are, and it stings my lightning scar to know they never, ever give me what I want! And I know I don't deserve these stupid rules made by the Dursleys here on privit drive! I can't take all of these muggles but despite all of my struggles… I'M STILL ALIVE! I'm sick of summer and this waiting around. Man it's September and I'm skipping this town! Hey it's no mystery, there's nothing here for me noooooooow! I've got get back to Hogwarts! I've got to get back to school. I've got to get myself to Hogwarts, where everyone thinks that I'm cool. Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts! Back to goblins and ghosts and it's a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! I'm going back!
(Harry runs out and is now on a set where he is on the street of privit drive. He sits on his suitcase just like the beginning of the first musical.)
Harry still singing: I'll see my friends, we're gonna laugh till we cry! Take my firebolt, gonna take to the sky! Knowing this year, anyone's gonna die! And it's gonna be totally awesome!
(Stands and draws out wand)
Harry singing: I'll cast a spell with a flick of my wand! Defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on! And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cause together we're totally awesome!
(Ron enters out of nowhere and crowd cheers)
Ron singing: And it's gonna be totally awesome! (Spoken) Did someone say Ron Weasly?
Harry spoken: Hey dude. Ready for year three?
Ron spoken: Aw hell ya! Let's get our asses to platform 9 and three quarters.
Harry: Cool, let's use flu powder!
(Green flames are emitted as Harry and Ron spin)
Harry and Ron singing: Flu powder power! Flu powder power! Flu powder power!
Ron: It's been so long-
Both: But we're going back.
Ron: Don't go for work, don't go for a class.
Harry: As long as we're together-
Ron: -gonna kick some ass and it's gonna be totally awesome!
Both: This year we'll take everybody by score, stay up all night, and sneak out of our dorm.
(Hermione steps in)
Hermione: But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our owls-
Harry and Ron: Whoa!
Ron spoken: Come on Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?
Hermione spoken: Because RON, schools not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and wizards.
Hermione singing: I may be frumpy, but I'm super- smart. Check out my grades, they're A's for a start. What I lack in looks, well I make up in heart and my boyfriend Ron thinks that's totally awesome!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: We're sick of summer and this waiting around. It's like we're sitting in the lost and found. Don't take no sorcery, there's nothing here for me now! We gotta get back to Hogwarts. We gotta get back to school! We gotta get back to Hogwarts, where everything is magic cooooooool! Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, back to goblins and ghosts and a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! We're going back!
(We here a train whistling)
Hermione: Come on guys, we'll miss the train if we don't hurry!
All students signing: Who knows how fast this year's gonna go? Hand me a glass and let the butter bear flow.
Ron singing: And third year's gonna be TOTALLY AWESOME!
(Set changes to great hall)
All: We're back to learn everything that we can, it's great to come back to where we began and here we are! And alacazam! Here we go, this is totally awesome! Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, back to goblins and ghosts and a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions, and friends. Back to-
Gryffindor students: GRYFFINDOR!
Hufflepuff students: HUFFLEPUFF!
Ravenclaw students: RAVENCLAW!
Slytherin students: SLYTHERIN!
All: Back to the place where our stories began at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
Elderly woman: I'm sorry, what's its name?
All: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
Elderly woman: I didn't hear you kids!
All: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
Harry: Man, I'm glad I went back!
(End of song)
(CROWD CHEERS AND COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(Scene begins in Great Hall)
(Elderly woman comes out)
McGonagall: Hello students, for those of you who don't remember because you're absolutely suckish at remembering names, I am Professor McGonagall. Now it is time for you all to say hello to your headmaster, Albus Dumbledore!
Harry: Wait, didn't he die last year?
(Dumbledore walks out and crowd cheers)
Dumbledore: I sure did Potter. However, Snape and I discovered a nice little secret magical way of coming back to life. This can be achieved without a horcrux. Isn't that right my very good friend, our very on Potions master, Professor Snape!
(Snape walks out with his usual wide eyed expression with him holding out his cloak like a bat. Crowd begins cheering)
Snape: Harry Potter! Tell me Potter, what would I get if I added asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
(Harry is silent)
Harry: Um… what?
Snape: Let's try again Potter. Where would you tell me to look if I asked you where I could find a… stripper?
Hermione: Professor, isn't that a little offensive to ask a stude-
Harry: A Las Vegas strip club.
Snape: Perfect, 10 points from Gryffindor!
Harry: WHAT? Why?
Snape: Because I'm Severus freaken' Snape Potter!
(Crowd laughs and cheers)
Snape: Now, Professor Dumbledore, I believe you wanted to announce something?
Dumby: I sure do. Kiddies, we once again need a new Defense against the dark arts teacher. So I would like to introduce… Professor Lockhart!
Hermione: Yay!
Ron and Harry: Oh s(bleep)!
(A tall, blonde man played by the actor of both Starkid's version of Luscious and Cedrick comes out with a never ending and annoying grin on his face)
Lockhart: Why hello there! I am Gildaroy freaken' Lockhart!
(Music starts)
Lockhart: And I have some good news for you children!
Lockhart singing: I am the best person that you'll ever meet! It is quite impossible for me to be beat! I know I'm handsome! I'm probably gaaaay! I know that there are people who would think either waaay! But let me tell you! That I'm the one you all probably want to dooooooo! If you do not like me, then that sucks for you! But who doesn't like me? Honestly, who? I am the best person everrrrrrrrr! I am definitely betterrrrrr! I might be full of myself! But I'm as popular as Gollum the house elf! I know that you can't beat me! I know that you all love me! Because I'm the best person everrrrr!
Dumby singing: Yes, you are quite hot!
Lockhart singing: Thanks a lot!
(Song ends)
(Crowd cheers)
Snape: Oh so you're really all that?
Lockhart: Why yes I sure as hell am.
Snape: Hmm. Then tell me, how did you truly get rid of the waga-waga gogo gaga werewolf?
Lockhart: Um… I, uhhh. I have to go! Sorry kiddies! Night, night!
(He runs off the stage and crowd cheers slightly)
Snape: You'll find that happens like every year with our DADA teachers. They just run off.
(He turns to McGonagall)
Snape in under tone: Bet you ten bucks he's out by next year.
(She nods)
Dumby: Now you chilites should call me Dumbledore or Dumby or else!
High pitch voice: And don't get him confused with Rumbleroar!
(Draco Malfoy walks onto stage and crowd goes wild with cheering)
Dumby: That is correct Draco, ya little (bleep)!
(Malfoy sits)
Dumbledore: Now I would also like to introduce a transfer student from America. His name is Jacob Kragoff and he's in Gryffindor!
(Jacob walks onto stage played by Devon Bostick, famous for his role as Rodrick in Diary of a wimpy kid)
Jacob: What's up?
Snape smiling: Oh a lot actually (frowns again) SIT DOWN!
Dumby: Now hop to bed kiddies! Bye, bye!
(Commercial break)
(Scene begins at DADA class)
Harry: Oh hey Ron.
Ron: Hey, do you want a delicious… Redvine?
(Looks at screen when he says Redvines)
Harry looks at screen: Absolutely!
(Jacob and Hermione come up)
Hermione: Hey Ronnie.
Ron: Um, hey.
Jacob: Oh, Redvines!
(He takes one)
(Bell rings)
Hermione: Oh yes! Time for class with Professor Lockhart.
(The boys grown)
(They walk into a classroom with them, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Cho Chang, Lavender Brown, and an extra girl.
Lockhart: Why hello there kids. It is very good to see you all in class today where I'm sure you're glad to show up.
Ron: We're kind of forced to 'cause we're children.
(Other boys nod)
Lockhart: Well than let's see what you do against freshly caught Cornish Pixies!
Seamus: Bloody bitch!
(Screen goes black)
(Roll credits, end of episode 1 in season 1)