A/N: Well. Here we go again! Season seven. Seven. AHH! Insanity it is. How can it be season seven when I still remember coming up with these oneshots for season five? And then six. Time seriously flies. I'm so excited to post this because well, the episode = blew me away! (And no, I will not be commenting on Flack's hair... wait, oops.) There aren't any words to put across how in love I am right now with Anna and Carmine (And Gary too for that matter) other than wow. Just. wow.
So without further adieu, I bring to thee the first Laurzz post-ep oneshot of season seven. Hope you enjoy! :)
Post-ep one-shot, season 7, episode 1: The 34th Floor
I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave.
-Idina Menzel
Padding into her bedroom, Lindsay Messer let out a soothing deep breath. The day she had been dreading for months was finally over. Done. Finished. Except, how could it be over when she was still dealing with the repercussions day in, day out.
The medal had done nothing at all in making the ache in the pit of her stomach seem less daunting, overwhelming. In fact, if it was possible, it hurt more. It consumed more of her. And the worst part was that every time she looked at it, it took her back to that very moment when everything that was dear to her was inches from being stolen away.
She settled on the bed and curled her feet underneath her as she pressed her back against the headboard of her bed and let out a laboured breath.
She couldn't do this. Everything else was a still little hazy, but that much she was sure of. Barely functioning without her mind going back to that moment was something she couldn't deal with for much longer.
"Our little kiddo was exhausted, she musta played hard today." Her husband's warm voice broke her thoughts that were quickly overwhelming her. She didn't look up at him as he laid down on his stomach on the bed, face into his pillow. "Baby, would you mind?" he gestured to his back. "Flack turned me into Spiderman earlier today chasing after our suspect... my back's killing..."
Silently she moved from where she was sitting on the bed and straddled his back, lowering herself onto his lower body as her fingers worked the kinks in his muscles, tears spilling down her cheeks silently as she did so. After a few moments of Danny's gasps being the only audible sound in the room, he twisted his arms around him and took hold of his wife's arms giving him the chance to turn underneath her, before sitting up.
"You've not said two words since I said I was checkin' Lucy's window and puttin' her to bed. Where's your head, Montana?"
"I got a present from Stella today."
Danny blinked at Lindsay's admission, and random admission at that. "Oh yeah? I saw that you'd received a package. What was in it?"
Lindsay let out a breath. "A picture frame with a quote inside."
"What quote?"
"Bravery is being the only one that knows you're afraid."
"That's your quote," Danny smiled in recognition. "Your quote for when everything gets tough... when you want to remind yourself that you've gotten through everything you have."
Lindsay nodded. "I said it to Stella after her thing with Frankie."
"And to me when Louie got beat up."
Lindsay offered him a small smile that quickly turned tearful. "And now, she said it to me."
"Is that why you went up onto the roof? How Mac and I knew to find you there?"
"Mac saw me." Lindsay shrugged. "I think I walked past him with a face full of tears... and as for you, well." She let out a small smile. "I gave up years ago trying to figure how it is you know when I need you, and what I need you to say."
Danny wrapped his arms around her as he pulled her up into his chest so that she was sat on his lap. "Why did you throw it away, babe? I know you don't want it, and honestly, I wish you didn't need to have it, but it's a part of you... just like how everything else is. Why hold on to everything else but throw that part of you away?"
"I don't want it, Danny." She whispered as tears filled her eyes properly for the first time in the conversation. "Every time I look at it, it reminds me of how close my shot was to our daughter."
"Lindsay, your shot was no-where near our baby girl. It wasn't."
"You don't know that."
"I was there, Lindsay. I saw the bullet leave the barrel of your gun and watched it as it pierced his chest. I watched it in slow motion. I was the one that grabbed our daughter after you had saved her little life, Linds. You. I stood there and threw some empty threats at him. You were the one that saved her. And even though you might not want that medal, Linds, she might."
"She's not having it." Lindsay shook her head.
"Linds, when she's old enough to understand, she's going to be in awe of what you did. You're literally her hero. You're both of ours."
"No I'm not." Lindsay insisted. "I'm her Mommy and I'm your wife. I'm nobody's hero, Danny."
"You've always been my hero." He whispered into her hair, just like he had on the rooftop earlier in the day. "Always have been, and always will be."
Silence filled their surroundings and Danny let out a sigh as he pressed a kiss to Lindsay's temple. "Linds, listen to me... no matter how justified you think you were about killing him, it's still goin' to eat you up inside."
"Mac said that to me earlier." Lindsay informed him as she laid her head on Danny's shoulder, burying her nose in the crook of his neck, allowing the scent of his long-faded shower gel to soothe her.
"Mac's a wise man," Danny offered.
"I didn't feel anything," she whispered against his skin, sending chills down his spine at how her breath tickled his skin. "No remorse, no devastation. I haven't had nightmares..."
"I know," Danny nodded.
"I haven't even cried," she continued as he felt a warm droplet hit his skin. "But now..."
"It's sinkin' in," Danny filled in the blanks.
"No," she whispered. "Yes... I don't know."
"And that's okay," he whispered as he cupped her cheeks softly. "That's okay, Linds. It's okay not to know what to think or feel."
"Is it?"
"Nobody could have prepared us for him turnin' up; not one person could have told us what he would do, Linds. We thought that he couldn't have possibly survived that fall, right?"
Lindsay nodded.
"So you did what you had to. And baby," he trailed off. "You did it with such poise and strength that I honestly couldn't be more proud. I was a wreck, but you held it together. You did that. You saved our baby girl and you saved me, and I know that's difficult to swallow, but you did."
"I just..." She took a deep breath to steel herself. "What if..."
His gaze softened as he silently encouraged her to find the words she was looking for.
"What if I can't get past this?" Lindsay whimpered. "What if I can't let go of what happened. It took me ten years to properly get over what happened when I was younger... what happened to my friends. What happens if it takes ten years to get over what could have happened to my daughter? What could have happened to us?"
"Then it takes ten years." Danny shrugged. "I'm here for every single day that you struggle, Lindsay Messer. And then I'm here for all those years after." He rubbed his nose against her's affectionately. "I love you and I promise I'm not going anywhere." He paused as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tight into his body. "This is your spot, k? And when things get hard, I want you to come to me. I want you to let me hold you when you think you're being brave."
"I love you." She whispered as hot tears burned her eyes. "I do, Danny. I really love you."
"I love you too." He whispered before turning to his bedside table and grabbed the green ribbon of Lindsay's medal with his fingertips. He dangled it to her and then dropped it in her hand once she'd silently agreed to take it.
"I'm not forcin' this on you," he began. "Because I appreciate how hard this is for ya, okay?"
She simply nodded in response.
"But what I really want for you to do is put it somewhere safe, okay? I want you to put it somewhere safe for Lucy. I know right now you don't like the idea of that, alright? And I understand that, but you don't have to be brave anymore." He told her. "You don't. But that medal represents your bravery."
"I don't understand..." she looked up at him through her lashes.
"We don't need that medal to tell us how brave you were that night. I know how afraid you were. We were both brave in our own ways... and honestly, I'm right there with you in feelin' that the medal is just a reminder of that night, which is a night I'd love to forget, trust me."
"So what's the point in keeping it?"
"I want Lucy to know how brave you were." Danny whispered into her temple. "I want Lucy to know how much you love her. Lindsay, you killed for our daughter. You love her that much you did that without a second thought. I want Lucy to be just as proud as I am of her Mom. I want her to be able to take the medal in for show and tell and tell her class that this thing right here," he cupped Lindsay's hand that was still housing the medal. "is something that is very special to the Messers and it makes our little family who we are. Lucy won't remember what happened that night Lindsay and I know that you're scared she will, but she was a baby Linds, she was a tiny little thing, and she'll never ever know what you did."
"So that's why I need to keep this?"
"That's why you need to keep it," Danny nodded. "Because even though it hurts, it makes us who we are; it defines us, Lindsay."
"What if I don't want it to define who we are?" She spluttered tearfully.
"It's not a bad thing, Lindsay, I promise you. Look at it this way..." he trailed off as an attempt to get her attention. "Look how strong it has made us. Just when we thought there wasn't much more that could bring us closer together, this happened, and now look at us."
She nodded slowly.
"We take each day and appreciate it, don't we? We say what we're thinking and we're not afraid to say all the things we want to say, right?"
She nodded again.
"Life is too short to spend our time regretting our actions baby. It took me long enough to learn that long lesson, didn't it? It took me hurting myself – and you, to realise that when life throws something at you, you've gotta just knock it out of the park and learn from it... grow from it."
She nodded before leaning against his strong chest, basking in the comfort and the safety that she offered him.
"I'm so proud of you, Lindsay Messer." He said as he pressed a kiss to her cheek. "But I want you to promise me that when you are feeling particularly brave, or hurt, or sad, or scared, you let me in... you promise?"
"I promise." She said, sealing the promise with a kiss to his clean-shaven cheek.
They soon fell into silence and tangled themselves in and amongst each other and the bed-sheets as they settled down for what hopefully would be a fantastic night's sleep.
Within minutes, Lindsay could feel her husband's chest rising and falling steadily underneath her as she laid her head on his shoulder and hand across his chest. His soothing breaths and the steady rise and fall of his stomach somehow dissolved the anxiety within her that had lain in the pit of her stomach for so very long.
And for the first time in five months, Lindsay Messer didn't need to feel brave.
*squees* Well, there we go... The first oneshot of season seven from me! I hope you liked it - any thoughts or comments would be, as ever, muchly appreciated!