A bottle of Bailey's and a spoon named Fred
Emmett POV
I was ransacking Esme's pantry in search of fun.
Flour? I opened the cannister and put my hand in, gathering a handful and tossing it in my own face.
"Ha ha!" I grunted triumphantly to myself. "Reminiscent of Scarface."
I scoured the shelves further back and found a can of spaghetti. "Hmmmm." I looked at it with interest. "Perhaps..." I put my index finger on the top ring and dug my finger in and pulled it off whole. "Urgg! Smells worse than the male toilets!" I groaned. "Yuck. No." I tossed the open can over my shoulder and the contents sprayed around the kitchen as it fell to the ground. Me not caring.
Right on the top shelf beside the vegemite, placed that high so Bella couldn't get it, was a bottle of Bailey's.
"Hmmmm. Looks innocent enough." I warily opened the bottle, not forgetting the horrid smell coming from those retched noodles. It smelt like milk. Not that milk is as bad as somethings, like Edward's hat, but it has a very unpleasant odor. I turned it around and read the label. "Contains Alcohol".
"Jasper?" I called out questioningly. No reply. "Alice." I called her, if she was here she didn't know Jasper was gone. "Edward? Oh Edward!" I called in a sing-song voice. No reply. "Yes!" I hissed under my breath. The 'gifties' were gone.
"Emmett? Is there something you need?" Esme asked from the backyard.
"No no." I tried to make my voice sound like it was coming from the kitchen. I was expressedly forbidden from entering the pantry. But I'm bored. "I'm going out for a while, need some entertainment and I don't want to get sprayed with Windex when I break something in a house." I remembered popping out from under the sink to find Esme hovering above me with a bottle of Windex, she sprayed till I smelt like a Windex fairy had taken a pee right on me.
"Good boy." She praised.
I tucked the bottle of Bailey's into my jacket and zipped it up as I ran out of the house, bound for Bella's.
:-:-:-:
Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock
I stood by the front door, standing tall, looking normal for once. The door swung open and I kept a stone face.
"Is Bella in?" I asked in a manly voice. Now it's not that my usual voice isn't manly but sometimes you have to drop it an octave. Or ten.
"Yes." Charlie looked at me uncertainly. "You're the other Cullen." He stated.
"Is that like the loser Cullen?" I asked, still standing upright, not looking directly at him. Eyes forward, back straight. Jasper would have been proud.
"No, just, the other one." He struggled a little to find the words.
"Then yes, sir. I am the other Cullen." I nodded once, deliberate and strong.
"Is there something wrong?" Charlie looked at my determined face as I stood looking over his head, I look over everyone's head.
"No, sir. I wish to spend some time with Isabella. Did she inform you we are friends?" I asked without looking down.
"She's mentioned you a couple of times so yes." He nodded.
"Excellent." I nodded once again.
"Come in." He stood to one side and I took three perfectly paced steps in then stood motionless in the foyer.
"She's in her room." He pointed at the stairs. I turned at an abrupt but human pace and saluted him. He looked concerned but mimicked my action and once we had both dropped our arms I walked up the stairs. One at a time, in a very orderly fashion. All that was missing was left...right...left...right.
I knocked on the door at the top of the landing and waited for Bella to open it. She did a moment later and gave me a strange look.
"Emmett?" She asked, knowing it was me.
"Isabella." I nodded.
"You're here for me?" She asked, taking her headphones out and turning off the iPod.
"Yes. I thought we could have some recreational time together. Are you feeling well enough to rough house and generally horse about with me?" I lowered my gaze to look at her face then snapped it back up when she looked up to speak.
"So long as I don't have to actually rough house with you I'm in. I get the feeling you have the capability to crush me with your butt cheek." She mused. I smiled for exactly five point two five seconds, the nationally recognised standard for a good smile length. I have internet on my phone.
"I promise not to kill you." I vowed and let myself into her room. As soon as I was in her room I dropped the soldier act and pounced onto her bed. "Bells, you have to do something for me." I grinned.
"What might that be?" She asked, sitting down beside me.
"Can you drink this?" I asked and pulled out the bottle from my jacket, still in perfect condition. Emmett may be a fool but he's not a klutz.
"I could physically but I'd end up drunk." She looked at the bottle and put it on her nightstand.
"That would be the point. I don't remember being drunk as a human and although I've seen it I want to see the difference in someone I'm very familiar with." I leant over her and got the bottle, taking off the lid and holding it out to her.
"Emmett, I'm 18. 18 is not 21." She argued.
"You're a boring arse, Bella. Loosen up and have a drink. I would with you but... ya know." I sighed.
"Yeah yeah, I know." She smiled. "Why do you want to see me drunk?" She asked, taking the bottle from my hands. Dun da-da dun! Emmett wins!
"Because I want to see if it really does make you happier." I replied and rolled onto my stomach with my big legs in the air.
"What would make me happy is to not be drunk and hung over." She raised an eyebrow then sighed, "I suppose we all have to get drunk at some point. I'd be allowed in Australia."
"Bottoms up." I grinned. She lifted the dark brown bottle to her lips and took a swig. Apparently it was bitter or something because after a second she coughed.
"Bad?" I asked curiously.
"No, like a chocolate milkshake but with a slight warm after feeling." She gestured to her throat.
"Alright, is that enough to make you drunk?" I asked hopefully.
"Only if I were a one year old with a liver problem." She laughed and took another swig.
"Now?" I asked excitedly.
"It takes a few minutes to take effect and no, that wasn't enough yet." She shook her head.
"Well stick the bottle between your teeth and chug!" I pushed the bottle up to her mouth and tipped it slightly. "See?"
"All I see is you trying to drown me." She grumbled.
"Bella, I'm heading down to the station. Emmett has to be out of here before dark, alright?" He called up the stairs.
"He will be." She promised, I rolled my eyes. I could stay here all night, against her will, and what could she do about it? "Bye, Dad." She smiled a little.
"Bye, Bells." He called back and shut the front door.
"Alright, now get it into you." I pointed at the bottle again.
"Alright, alright. If I didn't already know you were, I'd think you were trying to get me drunk." She grinned.
"Then I plan to take advantage of you." I wiggled my eyebrows.
"Ew." She frowned.
"What?" I asked, highly offended.
"You're my boyfriends brother." She grimaced and took another swig.
"So. We're not technically. If I wasn't, or you two weren't would you still say 'Ew'?" I asked and raised an eyebrow.
"Well no, but that's the way things are. This isn't half bad." She looked at the bottle.
"Is it working? Is it working?" I asked and bounced a little.
"You have to promise not to let me do something bad or potentially embarassing infront of anyone. Or to take advantage of me." Bella looked at me seriously but didn't stop drinking. Surely it has to be enough now.
"I promise not to let you hurt yourself, take advantage of you or allow you to get naked in public. I will however let you dance and sing and whatever else you feel like doing." I smiled and motioned for her to drink.
"I think I've had enough, we should just wait a few minutes for it to work." She put the bottle down and sat back against her pillows. I looked at it and she had drank down to the label so hopefully that would have some effect.
"Can't you speed it up by standing on your head or something?" I asked, this waiting thing is boring.
"I'd probably throw it back up if I stood on my head." She smiled regretably.
"Come on, let's go for a walk." I suggested. I remembered watching a spring break thing and all the people that were drunk were stumbling around, I'd know when Bella was getting drunk if we were walking.
"Em, I fall over walking in a straight line on a carpeted floor. I don't walk for no reason." She shook her head and then held it.
"Working?" I bounced a little.
"I just feel a little dizzy." She shrugged.
"I think that means it's working." I cheered and jumped up.
"Come on, Bells. We've got shit to do." I pulled her to her feet and bounced down the stairs infront of her.
"Like what? Oh shit, there's an earthquake! The house is spinning!" Bella grabbed the bannister and clinged of for dear life.
"The house isn't spinning, Swan." I laughed, She looked around with wide eyes and sat on the step.
"Em, can't you feel that? The earth is moving!" She squealed in a panic.
"Lets get out of the house before it falls down!" I grabbed her and tossed her over my shoulder as I made for the front door.
"Run! Emmett, RUN!" She tried to look over her back to see where we were going.
"I'm a goin' Bells!" I chuckled and ran at human speeds out the front door before placing her on the grass.
"Emmy! The world is spinning out here!" She held her arms out to balance herself and looked around at the trees in wonder. "All the beautiful colors!" She smiled.
"What is it, Bella?" I asked and watched her stumble over to the house. She pressed her face against the weather boards and stroked the peeling paint.
"So pretty..." She sighed and closed her eyes. Drunk humans are awesome! I decided and grabbed her wrist.
"Come on Bell. Let's go have some fun." I pulled her towards the footpath.
"YAY! Fun fun fun fun fun! Weeeeee." She squealed and laughed as we stumbled over the front yard. Well she stumbled.
"What do you want to do?" I asked as she stepped onto the road and started skipping.
"I want to skip and dance and run and OH! I want to go see Mike!" She looked at me as if that were the best idea in the world, "My Bailey's!" She pointed at her window and her face fell. "I left my Bailey's!" She took off at a wobbly run to the house and raced inside.
I followed her in and readied myself to catch her if she fell down the stairs but she decided to crawl up on her hands and knees rather than walk.
"Ah!" She grinned as we spotted the brown bottle, "My Bailey's!" She cooed and picked up the bottle.
"Well technically it's Esme's Bailey's." I shrugged. Bella turned to me with a fierce glare.
"It's MY Bailey's. If anyone tried to take it I'll set them on fire!" She growled, it was actually quite funny. Apart from the threat.
"Ok, Bells." I nodded and picked her up around the waist before racing down the stairs. Careful not to touch the Bailey's. I set her down in the foyer and she walked off into the kitchen.
"Emmett. Do you know how to cook?" She asked and took another swig of the Bailey's.
"No, I can't say I do." I shook my head. I don't think I've made anything except a mess for ninety or so years.
"I'm gonna show you!" She decided and stood up.
"I don't think you should be playing with fire when you're drunk." I shook my head as she rummaged in the cupboard.
"Emery board!" She turned and put her hands on the table, "I have been cooking since I could get onto a chair to see the stove. I know what I'm doing." She dared me to defy her.
"Just don't use the stove or the oven of the grill, anything that could start a fire really." I bargained.
"Ember. You're a boring sod." She scoffed and turned around, pulling out a big metal bowl.
"I am not." I sulked.
"Don't pout, you're bigger than that." She ordered and opened the draw.
"I'm bigger than a lot of things." I grinned and watched as she placed a wooden spoon on the table.
"That you are, Emmikins." She nodded and went to the fridge. She pulled out what I instantly knew to be milk, then something in a tub, then an egg.
"What cha doin'?" I asked in a chirpy tone.
"I, dear Emmetalie, am making a pie crust." She said matter of factly and put the items on the counter then went to the pantry. She couldn't walk into hers, how strange.
"Why?" I asked, fascinated by the desires of a drunk human.
"Because. Actually... I don't think I do. Let's go out somewhere." She closed the pantry door and grabbed the stuff from the table and put it back in the fridge.
"I think it's illegal to be out in public while intoxicated." I sort of asked. She shrugged and put the bowl back in the cupboard.
"Emilita. I don't care." She smiled, "Fine, we'll play it your way. Lets go to your house." She stumbled around the kitchen and grabbed the Bailey's and the wooden spoon. "Come on. Let's leave this place for another."
"I don't think we should go to my house. They'll frown upon your drunkeness." I imagined my family glaring at me with anger when Bella stumbled in drunk.
"Quite frankly, I don't give a damn. They all love me, even Jasper, even if his love is just for the fact I am so tasty." She grinned and licked her hand.
"Alright, fine. We'll go to my house. Do you want to put the spoon down now?" I asked and reached for the wooden spoon.
"NOOOOO!" She defiantly shrieked and held the spoon to her chest, "He doesn't want to go back in there! It's dark and the spatula picks on him!" She cradled the spoon beside her Bailey's and nuzzled it with her nose.
"Alright, freakshow." I nodded and held my hands up in surrender, "Edward's not home if that's why you want to go to my place." I told her. Remember the gifties were gone.
"Good, he's uptight sometimes, he'd want to pump my stomach and take my Bailey's." She frowned and walked to the door.
"He's always been uptight." I agreed.
"Maybe I should shag him." She thought with a shrug. I coughed in shock and a big grin pulled across my face.
"Maybe." I laughed.
"I wonder if he's impotent. That would explain why he's not screwing everything in sight like a normal guy." She said in a nonchalant voice. Another mouthful of Bailey's as we walked down the street.
"I've been thinking that for years. I bet he has blue balls." I laughed.
"Ew, is that contageous?" Bella looked at me, slightly freaked, pupils dilated.
"No, it's self inflicted." I shook my head and picked her up as I started to run to my house.
"Emmett. You're alright. You bring me Bailey's, you let me bring Fred to your house. You're not half bad." She kissed my cheek as I ran.
"Who's Fred?" I asked curiously.
"The spoon." She answered simply.
"Naturally." I nodded.
"Ooooh look at all the green!" Bella said, clearly thrilled as she wriggled in my grip trying to see the trees better.
"Yes, Bells, there's lots of trees." I said slowly and rolled my eyes.
"Epidural." She looked up at me happily as we neared my house, "That's a funny word don't you think?"
"Yeah, so is enema." I nodded and put her down at the front door. She stumbled on her shaky legs and grabbed my shirt to stay upright.
"You do know that, that's a medicine to make you shit right?" She asked a I opened the door.
"Yes, I did." I nodded.
"EMMETT McCARTY CULLEN!" Alice came racing down the stairs with a rolled up newspaper which she whacked me on the head with and broke on my rock hard skull.
"What?" I asked innocently as Bella smiled ecstatically and walked into Alice's arms.
"You got her drunk, you went in Esme's pantry, there's spaghetti all over the kitchen!" She growled and gave Bella a hug as she glared at me.
"She got her drunk, I went in there for supplies and the spaghetti smells foul and deserves to be thrown. You hit me." I pouted.
"Ali! You're so tiny and you smell so good." Bella crooned and sniffed Alice's neck.
"Thank you Bella, it's J'adore by Dior, I'll give you a bottle." Alice gave Bella a pat on the back and separated herself from her.
"YAY!" Bella squealed and bounced up and down, "J'a dore! J'a dore! J'a dore!" Bella chanted as she bounced then spotted a furious Esme standing at the top of the stairs.
"Emmett!" She growled. I pulled Alice infront of me to hide. It didn't work.
"I'm sorry." I cowered behind the pixie. Esme was like god. She was kind and loving but her wrath was as strong as any force known to man. A moment later she was standing next to me with an angry glare. I turned Alice infront of me as I tried to back away.
"I won't protect you, let go of me!" Alice yanked herself free of my grip and flitted over to Bella before she fell down the stairs. "No no no, Bella. You don't want to go near the stairs." Alice steered her away.
"DON'T TOUCH FRED!" Bella shrieked and flailed her arms around.
"Sorry, sorry, who's Fred?" Alice asked, holding her hands up in surrender.
"My wooden spoon of couse, you're all idiots I swear. Why don't any of you know who Fred is?" She asked, truely offended we didn't know the name of her wooden spoon.
Something really strong clamped onto my ear.
"OW OW OW OW OW!" I bent over as Esme dragged me all the way to the kitchen.
"Emmett. My pantry. Not yours. Mine." She pointed at the pantry then to herself then to the pantry again. "Understand?"
"Yes ma'am." I squeaked, she was pulling my ear off. She started walking again and took me to the living room.
"Emmett. Your Xbox. Not mine. Yours." She pointed between the Xbox 360 and me. "Understand?"
"Yes ma'am." I swear I could feel my earlobe detatching.
"You ever go in my pantry again and I'll pull your Xbox apart." She threatened.
"You wouldn't." I gasped in horrification as she finally let go.
"Oh I would." She nodded with an serious glare. "Why is there a cast of your hand in my flour?" She asked.
"I thought I could recreate the end of Scarface." I said, hanging my head in shame.
"And you took my Bailey's." She accused.
"Yes ma'am." I said in a small voice.
"Then you fed it to Bella!" She said angrily.
"Yes ma'am." I repeated and looked up from under my eyebrows.
"Will you do it ever again?" She asked.
I shook my head.
"DUST BUNNIES!" Bella squealed from what sounded like Alice's room.
"Not in my house!" Esme said in a fierce voice and flitted off to the kitchen.
I raced up to Alice's room to find Bella's legs poking out from under the bed, kicking in wild excitement.
"Alice! Come see, come see!" Bella giggled.
"I've seen, Bella." Alice said in a condescending tone.
"Oooh, this one's sparkly!" Bella gasped and giggled hysterically.
"Sparkly? Really?" I asked and laid down on the floor and slid under the bed.
"Emmy!" Bella grinned broadly when I joined her under the bed, "Look, look, look. I've got Fred and Bailey's and DUST BUNNIES!" She pointed at the balls of dust under the bed.
"Awesome!" I said and reached out to touch the dust bunnies.
"That's Bob and Wendy and Pilchard and that one right up the back is Bird." She pointed out the dust bunnies. I was patting Pilchard.
Something zapped behind me and suddenly the bed was lifted off the ground. There was Esme, vacuum cleaner in hand, bed raised up.
"Oh my god!" She grimaced as she spotted the dust bunnies.
"Esme!" Bella said, clearly delighted, obviously not connecting the vacuum cleaner to her new pets.
"Alice, hold this." Esme passed the bed to Alice and turned on the vacuum cleaner.
"What are yo- NOOOOO!" Bella screamed and bustled to protect the dust bunnies. Esme sucked up Bob and Bird and most of Wendy before Bella put her in her pocket. "You're killing them!" Bella cried and started to scramble to Pilchard. Esme was too fast. She put the vacuum cleaner nozzle on Bella's forehead which made her go cross eyed just long enough for Esme to pull out the dust buster from her utility belt and whip up Pilchard before she stuck the nozzle in Bella's pocket and finished off Wendy.
"No!" Bella sobbed and crawled along the skirting board in search of dust bunnies.
"Alice, this room is filthy. Clean it." Esme ordered before she left a sobbing Bella on the floor searching for dust bunnies.
"Emmy bear!" Bella sobbed and threw herself onto my chest, crying hysterically, "She took them, she took them all." She cried.
"I know, I know Bella. It was horrible." I patted her back, feeling a little upset myself.
"What's wrong?" Jasper asked as he walked in.
"Es..me...killed...the... dust... BUNNIES!" Bella sniffled.
"What's a dust bunny?" He asked Alice quietly.
"A ball of dust." She replied, still holding her bed.
"Ah. I see. And she's hysterical why?" Jasper looked at Bella with a confused frown.
"She's drunk and they were her new pets." Alice pointed at the Bailey's laying on the floor beside Bella.
"She's drunk?" He asked uncertainly.
"Emmett did it." Alice threw a fresh glare in my direction.
"I have nothing to live for! Someone kill me!" Bella wailed and pounded her tiny fist into the floor then cried when she hurt herself. "Ow!"
"Bella. Shut! Up!" Rosalie walked in and put her hands on her hips. She looked like Superman. No no, Wonder Woman!
"Rosalie." Bella sobbed.
"What is it, Bella?" Rose asked in a pissed off voice.
"Esme killed Bob and Wendy." Bella looked up and Rosalie, expecting sympathy maybe.
"From what I understand they're dust bunnies." Rosalie scowled at Bella. She pretended not to like her but I know the truth.
"Yeah." Bella said in a sad whisper. Rose sighed and held out her hand to Bella. Don't take it Bella, it's a trick, she want's to steal your humanity! But before I could actually say that thought Bella put her hand on Rose's and she pulled her up.
"Come on, Emmett's a pig, there's lots of dust bunnies in my room." She rubbed Bella's arm and rolled her eyes as she guided her to our room.
"You smell nice too, Rosalie." Bella sniffled as they walked down the hall.
"I know." Rose agreed. "You smell like milk and alcohol, I can't say that's pleasant."
"Does alcohol make my blood taste bad?" Bella asked.
"Well let's see shall we?" Rosalie asked then Bella screamed.
Jasper, Alice, Esme and I all raced into my room to find Bella in a similar position to Alice's room, under the bed, legs kicking wildly and Rosalie standing off to one side tapping her foot with an amused smirk on her face.
"I thought you were..." Esme started, Rosalie just laughed.
"I wouldn't tarnish my perfect record for someone who enjoys looking at balls of dust." Rose scoffed, "Having fun, Bella?"
"Yes!" Bella squealed, "There's one under here the size of a beagal. I'm going to keep him and love him and he shall be my own."
Esme almost shot steam out of her ears. She glared at Rosalie and I then flitted off to get the suction device of doom.
"Bella! Quick! Get the dog, there's no time, she'd getting the vacuum!" I shrieked and grabbed Bella's ankles.
"I've got him, pull pull pull!" She cried.
Somewhere between pulling Bella and the giant dust bunny out from under the bed and jumping out the window Esme came through the door with her vacuum.
"YOU CAN'T RUN EMMETT! I HAVE AN EXTENSION CORD!" Esme yelled after us as Bella, Fred, Bailey's and dust dog were being carried away at vampire speeds in my arm.
"DON'T LET HER CATCH US EMILIA!" Bella shrieked and clung tighter to the pile of stuff in her arms, Fred's stick in her mouth.
"I won't... Bell Boy!" I said the first thing that came to mind with Bell in it.
"I'll be Bonnie, you be Clyde." She laughed and bounced in my arms.
"Sure thing, Bonnie." I nodded then came to a sudden halt when I saw the only thing scary enough to shock me now.
"PUT. BELLA. DOWN!" Edward demanded. Bonnie shrieked in fear and clutched at the Bailey's.
"Run Clyde! He'll want to take the Bailey's!" She squealed and bounced like a kid on a horse.
"I'm a goin' Bonnie!" I screamed and took off to the right as fast as I could.
"He's gaining on us!" Bonnie yelled and leaned further into me. Edward ran past us and stopped directly infront of me.
"Bella, love. Get down, you don't know where he's been." Edward took a step forward and Bonnie growled. It. Was. PITIFUL! It was drunkenly pitiful!
"Stop thinking about her as Bonnie." Edward rolled his eyes.
"That's my name." Bonnie hissed, clutching dust dog.
"Dust dog?" Edward asked.
"He'll bit your ear off!" Bonnie waved dust dog at Edward and barked.
"What did you do to her?" Edward looked at me angrily.
"Clyde gave me Bailey's and hasn't taken it away. I'm madly in love with him and we're off to rob a bank so stand aside or be shot!" Bonnie held out Fred and brandished it like a sword.
"Bella, this is not you. You don't engage in Emmett's weirdness." Edward said gently and started closing distance.
"My name is Bonnie and this is Clyde, now back off Nazi no good." She beat Fred down a few times, hitting the air.
"I was born in Chicago. I'm hardly a Nazi." Edward raised an eyebrow.
"They all say that. Where's your mark?" Bonnie glared.
"Bella, you want to see my mark?" Edward asked.
"Yes, show me your mark." She nodded and craned her neck to see.
"You have to come closer, it's not that big." Edward motioned for her to come closer. I walked forward, curious to see this mark myself.
"No no, just Bella." Edward held up his hand to stop me.
"I am highly offended!" I pouted and put Bonnie down on the ground.
"I don't give a damn." Edward hissed between his teeth, too low for Bonnie to hear.
"So where is it?" Bonnie looked at Edward curiously. He pulled his jacket off and his shirt to one side and showed her the crescent shaped scar on his neck.
"That's not a nazi mark, big deal, I've got one of those." Bonnie pulled up her sleeve and showed him her similar mark.
"Really?" He asked and took her arm to examine the scar. Suddenly he pulled her off the ground, Fred, dust dog and Bailey's rained down on the ground. Dust dog bounced and fell down a slope and Fred and that Bailey's landed on the leaf litter where Bonnie's feet had been.
"Emmett, honestly. Stop calling her Bonnie." Edward rolled his eyes as Bonnie kicked at him.
"That's my name!" Bonnie shrieked and Edward held her captive.
"Clyde!" I turned around to see Wonder Woman.
"Wonder Woman!" I sighed and looked at her with wide eyes.
"Clyde." She nodded and walked towards me.
"Wonder Woman, can I see your magical bracelets?" I asked and looked to her wrists.
"Only if you stop this nonsense with the human." She pointed to Bonnie.
"I'm sorry Wonder Woman, I am unable to leave my Bonnie." I shook my head regretably.
"Does Emmett want to 'walk the midget' with his hot wife?" Wonder Woman raised her eyebrow.
"Sorry, Bonnie. I've got shit to attend to, it's been real." I waved her goodbye as Wonder Woman took me off to her lair. Totally hot.
This story was adopted from OverzealousGuineapig. All credit for hilarity goes to her.