"Kyon, did you hear?"

I turned to look at the source of irritating noise behind me. How the teacher never got on her case about outbursts in the middle of lecture is beyond me, but that's beside the point. "Hear what?"

"Some jerks are pulling douchebag pranks on other guys. You really didn't know?"

"Taniguchi and Kunikida have been avoiding me" probably because they got the wrong idea about Koizumi's lack of personal space "so I don't know what's going on at all."

"Tch, I'd avoid you, too, if I could." Excuse me, but aren't you the one who's always dragging me along? "Anyway, the S.O.S. Brigade will be investigating." Aren't we supposed to be investigating supernatural phenomenon? "So don't be late!" As if I could be. You'll pull me behind you after class.

It was after class and she had my tie in her hand, pulling me behind her, when Taniguchi stopped us and dragged me along with him, instead.

"So, did you hear?" I thought you were avoiding me.

"What about?"

"The sweet pranks around school." Yeah, I have, Haruhi described them as 'douchebag', I believe.

"Yeah, I have."

"Guess who's doing them." Judging by your triumphant look...

"You?"

"Yup. Kunikida 'n' me have been all over school, putting cocky bastards in their place."

"And you haven't told me before now because...?"

"We thought you'd tell the proper authorities like a good boy, but now we need your help."

"Why?"

"Cuz we're pranking Koizumi and you're the coolest dude that can get close to him." Too close, if you ask me. "So, will you do it?"

"Maybe. Depends on what it is."

"Sweet! Thanks, dude."

He jogged off, presumably to tell Kunikida.

I sighed heavily. Haruhi would surely be getting far past impatient about now. I was definitely in trouble.

"Late! Death penalty!" Called it. "What did Taniguchi have to tell you?" Quick, make something up.

"He tipped me off about the next prank victim." Believable enough, right?

"How would he know?" Hey, you can't steal my skeptical eyebrow!

"I didn't care to ask."

"Cool, we have our first suspects!"

She bounded over to the whiteboard and wrote 'Suspects' in huge letters. Underneath, the names 'Taniguchi' and 'Kyon' appeared.

"Why me?"

"Because you are an alleged accomplice." Eh, can't argue with that. I did agree to help them out. "So, who's the next victim?"

"Koizumi."

"Me?" Finally, you drop that fake-ass amused grin.

"Perfect, we can set up a trap for the culprits much easier this way!"

Koizumi didn't look too excited about being used as bait, but Haruhi kept going like the whirlwind she was. She started drawing plans on the other side of the whiteboard.

"Wait, you don't even know when they plan to strike! How can you formulate a plan?"

With just a 'tch', she disregarded all logic and continued drawing. Sometimes I wished I could live like her, bending the very laws of the universe.

"Alright, this is the plan. If you don't get it, figure it out! Brigade dismissed!" How does she manage to grab her bag when she leaves so fast?

And, besides that, how does she expect us to read these plans?

"Confused?" If I can feel your hair on my cheek, you might be too close.

I backed off a couple steps before replying. "Her whole diagram makes no sense at all."

"It doesn't much matter, as her plan defies the laws of gravity and conservation of mass, but..."

He proceeded to explain the whole ridiclous plan to me (at a reaonable distance, of course), which was based around one of those stereotypical rope traps.

"Get it?"

"Since she expects this to work and it obviously won't, what are we supposed to do?"

"You underestimate Miss Suzumiya. Although, I do hope she doesn't bend the laws of physics for something this ridiculous." Agreed, but that doesn't answer my question.

"Whatever, I'm going home."

When I got home, my little sister immediately started bugging me to help her with her homework. The rest of my evening was spent helping her with spelling and fractions before finally cracking open my own books.

My mind and body were both exhausted when I finally dropped off to sleep.

I woke up to my sister bouncing on the bed long before my alarm was to go off.

"Kyon! There's someone at the door!" At this hour? Who the heck...?

"I got it, I got it, I'm getting up."

I rolled out of bed and went to the door, still in my pyjamas and tousled by sleep. I drowsily registered Taniguchi standing there triumphantly before slamming the door on his face. It's too early for this.

The doorbell rang out a few times, Taniguchi's indignant calls almost drowned out. I sighed, opening the door again.

"Ah, good morning, Kyon. Sorry about the early hour, but we're putting our plan into action today. You will give this" -he held up a cute little bento box- "to Koizumi."

"Not if I don't even know what's in it."

"A special treat."

"I'm not doing it if you don't tell me the plan."

"What if I give you a hundred bucks?" Well, if you put it that way...

I took the box and money from his hands, closed the door, and returned to my bed just as the alarm went off.

Ugh.

All too soon, I was trudging up that damn hill, schoolbag and overly-cute bento in hand, but a hundred dollars richer than when I had woken up.

I didn't run into Koizumi all morning, and all three of the brigade's female members were out shopping (more like extorting, if I know Haruhi).

Great, so I had to give a sickeningly cute bento to a guy with no personal space while alone in a room with him.

There is no way Koizumi won't get the wrong idea about this.

"Here."

"And this is...?"

"Just take it. It's for you." Ugh, called that, too. His eyes lit up, even though he still looked confused, as I gave him Taniguchi's 'treat'.

"Ah, thank you, Kyon, but..."

"No questions. Seriously, just take it."

He slowly removed the gaudy wrapping and lid. I could see him fighting to control a huge grin and squeal of delight at the chocolate cake, but another thought must have crossed his mind, because his face immediately fell.

"What's the catch?" Shit, did he catch me? Make something up, quick, brain! "Between your obvious attitude towards me and the obvious negative reaction inevitable of Miss Suzumiya, this can't be without a catch." Come on, come on!

"You ever think I might consider you as a friend? And I'm not allowed to give a friend a gift?"

"Ah, no, but..."

"But what?"

"This kind of thing... have you considered that it may be giving me the wrong impression?" His eyes averted, his cheeks tinged pink. I knew this would happen.

"Just eat the damn cake."

He accepted it quietly.

Later, after the girls had stopped in to drop off some stuff before extorting more innocents, Koizumi and I were still playing Othello.

Suddenly, I noticed something distinctly off about him. He was obviously agitated, but I didn't know how or why, until his cheeks tinged with a blush again and he began constantly shifting in his seat.

"What the hell was in that cake?" His voice was worried and breathy.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Like hell you don't." He was breathing heavily by this point, almost as though he were (but, no, it couldn't be, could it?) aroused.

What the hell did Taniguchi put in that cake?

Suddenly, Koizumi climbed over the table and into my lap, too quickly for me to react. I was quickly proved correct in my guess about the origin of his discomfort when his obvious erection pressed into my hip.

"I hope you're willing to accept the consequences for drugging me, because I'm fairly certain surreptitiously slipping me aphrodesiacs is a definite invitation for this." His tounge slid down my neck while a hand slid up my shirt and he ground his crotch into mine.

Wait, aphrodesiacs? The hell kind of prank is this? Where's the punchline here, Taniguchi?

"I didn't drug you on purpose! Taniguchi gave me 100 bucks to give that to you, I didn't know what was in it!"

For a moment, I thought he'd ignored me completely, since his hands were still working on removing my pants as quickly as possible.

"That sucks for you, because now I'm all hot and bothered, not to mention all alone in a room with you." He nipped and sucked his way accross my jawline before catching my lips in the wettest, sloppiest, most desperate kiss I'd ever been subjected to, not to mention the only one with another guy. "I need you right now."

Well, shit.

Before I could even get my brain to register the thought of the usual fake-but-cheerful Koizumi this horny, my pants were gone and my ass was against the cold surface of the table. Suddenly, my shirt and blazer were gone as well, but the tie remained, since Koizumi seemed unable to keep his mouth off my skin long enough to fumble with it. He sucked and licked a sloppy trail past where the waistband of my pants should have been.

"S-stop..." I managed to hiss out before the same hot, wet mouth that had visited every other area of my body finally closed around my aching boner.

I'd already had experience with his skill set in regards to that utterly damnable mouth, but nothing could have prepared me for how those skills translated to use on a hard cock.

"By this point, the more you beg for me to stop, the hornier I'll get. I wouldn't be able to turn back now."

I didn't grasp the meaning of his words at all, seeing as all of my attention was focussed on the feeling of his lips gently, agonizingly, brushing my erection with every word. He slowly dragged his dastardly tongue down my entire length. A voice that sounded suspiciously like my own echoed in a moan around the small clubroom, but that couldn't possibly have been me, could it? There's no way I would make those types of noises for a guy, right?

Without warning, Koizumi, somehow completely naked by this point, straddled me on the table, sucking three fingers in the sluttiest, most seductive way I had ever seen in my life, far past anything in my craziest fantasies.

Not for the first time this afternoon, a thought crossed my mind about 'where the hell did he learn to do that?'.

The slick fingers 'pop'ed out of his mouth, slid down his chest and side, and ended up at his ass.

Woah, woah, wait. He isn't going to...

The first finger slid slowly into his tight entrance, his entire body pushing back to meet it.

I shouldn't find this sexy, not at all, not in any way, I really shouldn't... oh, hell.

The way he gasped after inserting the second finger bypassed my logic and shot straight for my dick. The loud moan as the third finger entered and he found his spot had me gasping for air, my panting nearly as aroused as his.

He slowly lowered himself onto my waiting member, thighs trembling with arousal and strain. He paused, dragging in shuddering breaths, and I felt him adjust around me.

He'd just begun to move again, slowly lifting himself off my manhood, when someone burst into the room. We sprang apart, scrambling for clothing, so quickly I'm really suprised neither of us broke anything. When I finally got hold of my bearings, holding what may very well have been Koizumi's shirt to cover my crotch, I took in just who had entered the brigade room.

"Taniguchi? What the hell are you doing here?" He didn't look nearly as embarrassed as he should have, instead settling on a version of guilt. "What the hell did you put in that cake?"

"Just a little something to make him horny. The plan was for him to molest Asahina, which would totally get him shit-deep in trouble."

"And you didn't think to ask someone who would know, meaning me, who he already had his eye on?"

"We assumed that, like every healthy teenage guy one earth, he'd go after Asahina, who happens to be the cutest girl alive. How were we supposed to know he was into, well, that?"

"Can you please leave, now?" Koizumi had erected that flawless facade once again, though slightly marred by the tinge of embarrassment in his cheeks.

"Oh, uh, yeah, sorry." He turned, slamming the door behind him.

Koizumi sighed in relief, clothing himself properly. I belatedly followed suit, barely buttoning my uniform shirt when the brigade's females returned.

"Good to see you two didn't destroy anything when left alone togeth-... What's that, Kyon?" I followed her angrily pointing finger to the gigantic, obvious hickey gracing my collarbone, courtesy of Koizumi's thrice-accursed, talented mouth.

"Ah, bruise. I, um, fell awkwardly this morning."

Haruhi pouted at the obvious lie but dropped the subject.

"Have you at least come up with a solution to the pranksters?"

"It was Taniguchi and Kunikida, I helped, Koizumi can vouch. Can we go home, now, please?"

The grin that spread accross her features was the last thing I was expecting to see. "Ha hah! So I was correct! That's a wrap, brigade. Dismissed!"

And she left.

I was slightly dumbfounded by the suddenness of the conclusion, watching the girls all drop off supplies and leave.

I struggled to gather my bearings and leave when a now-much-too-familiar body pressed against my back.

"Don't even begin to think that this is the last time we'll do this, Kyon. It's too late to go back, now that I've had a taste."

His tongue ran along the shell of my ear, punctuating the threat. He cheerily grinned and briskly walked off.

Well, shit.