Disclaimer: I do not own Codename KND. Nor I do own MC Hammer's original "U Can't Touch This"
It had finally happened. When it was made public, most of the Kids Next Door organization wasn't that surprised. The one who honestly freaked out over the news was Numbuh 4; the poor boy just did not see these types of things coming. But his antics were expected as well. If he couldn't pick up on the obvious attraction one rainbow monkey loving oriental held for him, then the subtle interactions between the KND's most strictest, serious, and just plain bossy operatives would have flown over his blond bowl cut. And it had nothing to do with his height.
After much beating around the brush, nervous glances and hiding behind paperwork and shades respectively, Numbuhs 1 and 362 had settled the matter that was their relationship and feelings towards one another, and now were officially an item. Many younger, more romantic operatives huddled in groups gossiping how the two came together. Some boys puffed their chest out and preformed how they thought Nigel rescued the blonde in some daring feat. Girls sighed a batted their eye lashes when they spoke of how they imagined Rachel corning the bald boy in her office and confessed her heart felt feelings. They were many theories, but no one knew what happened for certain.
Well, Numbuh 10 claims to have been there when it happened, but the girl had been forced to keep her lips sealed. She only hinted that the incident involved a S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R and loads peanut butter before saying nothing more…
But despite everyone not knowing the weird story of how they got together, the main fact was they were together. No one pried into their private affairs (the last guy who did got sent to the Medical Grove by Fanny), but there was no hiding the ever so slight change in their characters. Rachel's voice was less harsh when handing out orders, and Nigel carried a small smile when not on a mission. Yes, the two were happy and every other kid seemed to be as well.
…With one exception that is.
"Stupid – Hic – Uno." Numbuh 363, Harvey McKenzie and younger sibling of Rachel McKenzie grumbled into his arms. The small dirt blond leader of Sector W sat hunched over the bar of the renowned Lime Rickey's Soda Speakeasy bar. All around him kids and pre-teens buzzed with excitement. Over near the end of the counter, boys rooted on their friends heavily engrossed in a chugging contest. Across the room, girls made goo-goo eyes as they flirted with the males tables away who were blushing up a storm. Then there were those back in the private section, blank faces solely concentrating on the Yipper match going on.
Harvey flicked his eyes over seemingly every one in the room before he huffed in disgust, only to interrupted by a sugar induced hiccup. He hated places like this. The big kids always acted like they ran the place and tried to make him feel like he was inferior. Ha! He was way better then all these losers! Like he said, he hated places like this.
But the only one thing he loathed more was Uno. That no good showoffy jerk. Always acting like everything should be handed to him. Strutting around like the Grand Poobah going like, 'Oh look at me! I'm related to Numbuh Zero so that means I get to go on all the awesomerefic missions and blah blah blah!' He couldn't stand that guy! And he couldn't stand how he seemed to have his entire family wrapped around his cocky finger!
'Oh isn't he such the gentlemen!' His mom would gush while pinched the Brit's cheeks
'You can learn a trick or two from him about manners, buckaroo.' His dad would advise while patting his head.
'Harvey, you really need to be nicer to Nigel.' His sister would scold while Numbuh 1 smirked behind her back.
"Hope he gets run over by a B.U.T.C.H.E.R while naked." The child prayed while lifting his baggy eyes to the bartender. He had come here to forget about about his woes with the Brit. He just told his family he would spend the night at the treehouse. Not that they seemed to care. His mom was busy cleaning the house for the third time, dad was talking with his uncle about some T.V show, and his sister was gone. Probably on another date with Uno.
"Hey! Ric – Hic – key, another!" He commanded to the boy in front of him. He had journeyed to Lime Rickey to wallow away in sweet, delicious root beer and soda. Hoping to forget about Nigel. But he could still remember him! "Now would be nice!"
"You sure that's a good idea, pal?" The bartender/owner of the bar asked with an arched brow. "I'm not against serving kids soda, specially you Kids Next Door types, but eh, you've already been through a number." He muttered, glancing to the pile of empty glasses to Harvey's right. He then studied the boy's form, noticing the telltale twitch of the sugar seeping in. "That and too much root beer in that young of a body – "
"If you want these cards, I sugg – Hic – I sugg – Hic – ...pour." He moaned as he slammed his head down. Rickey rolled his eyes, but compiled nonetheless. The kid had some high quality cards in his deck. His hand shuffled under the counter, and after a few seconds, it revealed a glass filled to the brim with the sweet ice cold beverage. He slid it towards the boy who swapped it out for the four rare cards. Harvey let off a sloppy grin as he grasped the handle. "That's the stuff."
Rickey went back to cleaning out another glass while the blond chugged it down. "Don't overdue it, kid." He suddenly blinked, then frowned when he noticed no tunes floating in the air. He then leaned to the side to glare at the new band he hired. "Hey! What do yous guys think you're doin'?" He fussed when he just saw the boys and one girl boringly fiddling with their instruments. "I don't pay you to sit there!"
The lead looked up from his implement with a skeptic look. "You don't pay us at all. We're only here cause mom told you to let us practice here, Rick." He snorted before his hands started fiddling with the string. "And stop rushing us! We're out of songs to play."
"Well you'd better fine some way to restock! Kids handle their soda better with atmosphere, and you playing the silent game is bad for business!"
Harvey rolled his eyes at the spat between the two. He honestly didn't care what the band played. His finger twitched as a strong sugar jolt rushed through him. The boy then blinked as he composed himself. Whoa, that was the strongest one yet. He then looked towards the half empty glass as he weighed his options. Maybe he should stop…
All of a sudden, the carbonated substance started the ripple and Harvey's eyes were the size of dinner plates as he saw some hallucination start to form. Despite the question of his sanity, the blond could make out a faint image in the soda. It…was his sister and Uno. Oh lord, they held it each other so tightly it was hard to tell where one began and ending. And where their faces getting…NO!
GULP!
"Make – "
GULP!
"It – "
GULP!
"Go – "
GULP!
"AWAY!"
GULP! GULP! GULP!
"Harvey!" A female voice shouted out over the noise. The now soda-less glass feel to the floor with a crackling shatter and the young boy held the counter to keep himself steady in his seat. But his grip was loose and he slowly fell to the sticky floor on his back. As soon as he made contact. He let out a loud, obnoxious belch and just laid there. Content to just take a nap right there. Too bad the voice wouldn't let him.
"Harvey, what are you doing?" The boy snapped one of his eyes open to tell the girl over him to buzz off. But he held his comment back slightly once he realized it was his teammate, Sonya. The blonde haired girl wriggled her hands together in worry while Lee silently flicked his yo-yo behind her; making sure no one started any trouble in the combustible atmosphere. "Is this where you've been all this time? We thought you got kidnapped or something!"
Harvey blinked a few moments before he burst into random laughter. "Relax Soooooonnnya!" He drawled out as he stumbled to his feet. He then giggled, feeling really hyper for some reason. "I'm jus' having some fun! You don't want me to have – Hic – fun?"
Sonya fiddled with the sleeve of her white blouse as she analyzed the boy's form. Wild eyes, random twitches and giggles. Yep. He was soda-drunk. "No, but I think you need to have fun somewhere else." Her face then paled as she noticed the looming pile of glasses on the counter. "H-How many have you had?"
"Uh, I don't know." He innocently answered while swaying back and forth on the balls of his feet. "What's that number with the one and two zeros? Hehehehehe!" He chuckled into his hands after messing with the girl.
Sonya sighed as she shook her head. She better try and get him out of here before he embarrassed himself. "Come on, sir. I think you've had a little too much."
"No! I haven't had – Hic – enough!" He suddenly roared, slamming his fist down on the counter. "I can still see them! His smug little bald mug! I'm not leaving this gosh-darn spot until his face is erased from my memory!"
"What?" Sonya uttered confused. She then pieced the puzzle together before groaning into her hand. "Not this, Numbuh 1 thing, again."
"Don't talk like you understand!" He cried, switching from anger to despair in point five seconds flat. "You'll never under – Hic – stand! He's not making kissy faces with YOUR sister! He's not rubbing it in YOUR face every time big sis invites him over for movie night!" He then growled again as he stomped his foot down. "I know what he's really trying to do! He's using some mind control thing in his stupid tacky glasses! He's brainwashing my entire family for his secret British army and making them forget about – Hic – ME!"
Sonya nervously glanced back towards Lee who caught his yo-yo while nodding. The snow hat wearing boy then carefully positioned himself beside his crazy leader while the pig tailed blonde gently reached a hand out. "Harvey," She softly pleaded. "I think it's time to go home."
"I'm not going home yet! He might be there!" He childishly whined as he wrapped his arms around the bar stool.
"Harvey, this is just ridiculous."
"You're not the one who has nightmares about babysitting your – Hic – future bald nephews!" He gagged as he gripped the seat tighter. "The bad thoughts never stop!"
Lee tsked his lips as his hand firmly grasped Harvey's shoulder. "Time to go."
However, the blond froze on instant contact. After a moment, his teeth slowly grounded together and he felt a rage boiling in the pit of his stomach. Finally, he snapped as he violently slapped Lee's hand away. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" His voice boomed out, all activity around them coming to a halt as a result. The kids stopped in their drinking to look at Harvey with mild amusement. The boy himself sent a sharp glare to Lee before he went to return to get another refill, but gasped when a hand yanked him up by the scruff of his brown sweater. "Hey!"
"We got a no tolerance rule for annoying brats 'round here." One of Rickey's security guards spoke out while munching on his lollipop. "Get what I'm sayin'?"
Harvey blinked before he growled at the older kid. "Don't touch me." He graveled out as his hand flicked out to clamp around the guard's wrist. The kid yelped in pain and released his hold on the squirt. Harvey stumbled to the floor as he lost balance for a moment. The poor soda-drunk boy kept back peddling until he ran into run of the waitresses.
"AHH!" The brunette screamed as her platter went stumbling. It flipped into the air, spilling the content of soda and nacho cheese chips all over her clothes. "NOO!" She screamed in horror as her rainbow monkey themed skirt was covered in cheese stains. Her eyes snapped up, full of fire, and she made to swipe at the little twerp. "Why you little – "
"Uh uh uh." Harvey wagged his finger as he simply hopped back. His hand snapped into the air only to come back and point at his chest. He giggled as he surveyed the mess he made. "Don't touch me."
"What are we supposed to play boss?" One of the band members questioned the lead as she checked over her nails in boredom. "This is the only place we got, and if we don't play something, Rickey's gonna toss us out."
"I'm thinking! I'm thinking!" The boy fussed as he ran a hand through his hair. His hand reached down to the side and picked up a music book of old songs. Not his style, but he didn't have anything else to fall back on. And he needed to move before they got replaced with the jukebox.
Again.
"There's gotta be something in here," He mumbled to himself as he flipped through pages. He had paused on one page after a minute; ready to give up due to his short attention span.
But that's when he heard it.
"Don't touch me!"
The boy froze, then snapped up to see what the commotion was. That was when he noticed some small dirt blond soda-drunk boy laughing as he shifted his body around two guards, the end result being the two enforcers colliding with each other and tumbling to the floor while the boy continued to prance around. The band leader's mind started to work and he looked down at the music book again; grinning when he finally found a song to play.
"Okay guys I got!" He cheered, surprising to others. He then rubbed his hands together and hefted up his guitar. "Just follow my lead." He instructed. He then narrowed his eyes in concentration as his fingers struck the cords. The music started to flow, and the band followed.
Harvey laughed as more idiot guards went down with ease. Ha! They had nothing on him. But then his eyes perked up as a groovy beat fluttered through the air. He then beamed a wide smile as he started to move with the flow of the music. He loved this song!
"Harvey stop!"
He spared Sonya and Lee a smug look as they both tried to tackle him. As soon as they got close, he back flipped into the air to land on Rickey's counter while Numbuhs 83 and 84 slammed into each other. He then wagged his finger again, and sung out a bit. "~Don't touch me~"
"Get down from there!" Rickey raged as he tried to knock the kid down. His place gets dirty enough. He snapped his arms out, only for Harvey to dance over them. "Who do you think you are?"
Harvey grinned at the frustrated bartender as he continued to dance to the music. When the beat picked up once more, his soda addled mind plotted a wicked idea. He didn't know who he was eh? Maybe a small explanation was in order. The blond sucked in his breath, and began to sing.
The, the, the name's Harvey. I take charge.
My image ain't big, it's LARGE!
But kids, poke fun at me
At my fair hair and my two buck teeth
As he sung, some agitated kids stepped forward ready to throw him. But he only smirked as he whipped out a picture of Rachel. It had its effect as the kids and other operatives in the bar recognized her. Then they all stepped back, not wanting to mess with the Supreme Leader's younger brother.
But no sweat, they know when to stop
Cuz my sister runs this show from the top
So, learn as such
I'm the one kid that, no, you don't touch
"So back off bub!" He yelled as he flipped himself down off the counter. Grinning and leaning against the wood like he owned the place.
(Don't Touch Me!)
"Yeah that's right, go back to playing with your doll." He mocked as he shooed the older boy away. That's right, they knew not to bother him now. Or else they would face the wrath of Rachel.
(Don't Touch Me!)
"Kinda feels funky in here." He slurred to himself as they music picked up pace. He glanced around with a pensive look; smirking when he saw other kids starting to dance along. Yeah, he was awesome.
(Don't Touch Me!)
"Hey Rickey! Another round please." He ordered as he snapped his fingers. The bartender groaned, but the kid had paid.
"This is the last one ya got, kid." Rickey mumbled out as he passed Harvey the drink. The boy grinned as he chugged it one gulp. The bartender crossed his arms as he watched Sonya try and contain her leader, but Harvey only spun past her. The blond moved his legs into a smooth moonwalk as pumped his fist out and started singing again.
I'm the best, around
When compared to me, you all are nothing but clowns
So move, outta my way
If you tickle me, I'll me you pay!
Harvey continued to dance as he subtly insulted the operatives seated around him. One easily angered kid had reached his limit as he sprung up to take down Harvey. But the boy only slid to the side and swung his leg up to kick the operative back into a nearby table.
Don't mess with me, I'm strong
When you're up against me you're gonna end up wrong
Give 'em a lil this, lil that
Focus on the mission and don't hold back
They jus' know, I'm too much
I'm the one kid that, no, you don't touch
"Yeah, I told you." He bragged to the operative who had reduced the table to splintery bits. He then danced around all the kids around, who were starting to cheer for his little song. He saw Sonya coming at him again, so he dropped to the floor in a spin and barreled right through her. Once done, he kicked his legs up and motioned his hands out for another soda; only to frown when Rickey wouldn't comply.
(Don't Touch Me!)
"Why'd you stop with the drinks?" He interrogated. How dare he keep his sugar from him. He then blinked when the red head shoved a long sheet of paper in his face.
"Unless you got the cash to back up that bill, you ain't getting anymore."
(Don't Touch Me!)
"Uh – Hic – " He sounded out as he looked over bill. He then tossed it away and reached into his pocket pulling out his sister's card. "Put it on 362's tab." She had given it to him for emergencies. This was one, he was still thirsty!
Rickey held the card to his eyes before shrugging. "Good enough for me." He then quickly whipped up another glass and passed it to the kid. Harvey grinned as the drink entered his hand. As he began slurping it down, Lee popped up beside him and tried to tie him down with his yo-yo. But Harvey's empty hand snapped out to catch the toy, and once it his fingers, he gave it a sharp tug and tripped the snow hat wearing boy. He then slammed the glass down as he held his fist up in a boxing stance.
Gimme a SCAMPP, or MUSKET
Either way, they start sweating buckets
Cuz, they fear
When they hear the name Harvey they run away in tears
The boy then proudly walked into the center of the dancing crowd, grinning as their cheers fed his unsatisfiable ego. He closed his eyes and folded his arms as he addressed them all again.
I show up; it's over
To those villains I'm like a hangover
They know. They've learned
That when you cross me, you're gonna get burned
And Father? Puh-lease
I'll just kick him in that place right above the knees
Because that's the one rule...
Don't touch me
Don't touch me
Don't touch me
Break it down!
The mass of kid gathered closer around Harvey as he began to break dance. The only sounds floating through the air being the music and the course of,
'Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!'
Harvey then went into a wild spin before halting and freezing himself. He swung his arms out palms up as he motioned for every to pause.
Stop, Harvey time!
Quick pointer, aim for the head
If you're a lame adult prepare to get knocked down dead
So run; with hands in the air
Or pull an Uno and lose all your hair
Sonya and Lee broke through the pulsing crowd and frowned when they Harvey eating all of it up. They needed to stop him before he hurt himself. But the moment they jumped to get him, he himself hopped into the air and let the kids around him carry him over the crowd like a rock star. The blond chuckled and put his hands in a relaxing position behind his head.
Let's face it, I'm a winner
Unlike Hoagie, I dance to get thinner
Move, slide your rump
Just for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump
Numbuhs 83 and 84 growled as they struggled to push their way past the kids. But that was hard to do with them bumping their hips around. Sonya almost got bowled over by a crazy red head with pigtails until Lee caught her. She rewarded him with a shy smile, which disappeared when they found Harvey leaning against the bar drinking yet another soda.
"He he, yeah…" He giggled as he down his drink, only to frown when it was snatched away by Lee.
(Don't Touch Me!)
"Harvey, that's enough!" Sonya scolded as her hands strayed to her hips. "You need to quit before you pass out! You know what happens when your sugar rushes end!"
"Lay off Sonya." He grumbled as he turned to Lee, who still wouldn't hand over his soda.
(Don't Touch Me!)
"You better give me back my dr-drink, Lee!" He yelled at the boy, who just held his hand out and stopped him from getting any closer.
(Don't Touch Me!)
"No way." Lee replied in negative as he placed the soda back on the counter. He then tried to contain Harvey who just kept backing away. "You're soda-drunk."
"I'm not – Hic – soda-drunk! Just listen." He then grinned as he cupped his hands over his mouth. Before the two could even think to stop him, the boy screamed out,
Break it down!
It had immediate effect the crowd started dancing and chanting even louder then before.
'Oooooo Ooo Oo Oo! Oooooo Ooo Oo Oo!'
Stop, Harvey time!
Don't touch me
Don't touch me
Don't touch me
Don't touch me
Break it down!
Sonya and Lee watched on stunned at all the hyped up chaos going on. The girl fumbled with her blouse, not really used to being involved with these sorts of things. At least it wasn't dark. But then she and her teammate jumped as the blond boy leapt on Rickey's counter again; preforming his version of the robot to get the crowd riled for the finale. "Get off of there, Harvey!"
But he paid no attention. For he swung his hands out, and went into the last verse.
Stop, Harvey time!
I'm Numbuh Three-Six-Three
Or Harvey, that's fine with me
I've done this demonstration just so you can see
That I'm the best there is! Have you not gotten the hint?
I have a mission success streak that just won't quit
I've been everywhere, from Sector V to the Moonbase
It's "Harvey, go Harvey, mK Harvey, yay Harvey"
And I hope Uno gets slammed by a mace!
Don't touch me
Don't touch me
Don't touch me
Don't touch me
Don't touch me
Don't touch me
Don't Touch Me!
With that final proclamation, Harvey's seemingly endless sugar rush came crawling to a halt. The effect was instant, as his arms slumped and his eyes felt heavy. He was just so…sleepy. Final, he dozed off with a smile, and fell into the waiting arms of Sonya and Lee. The two shared and glance with each, and just shook their heads as they dragged the sleeping Harvey out of the bar. The patrons cheering the boy as he exited.
Two days later, we find all four members of Sector W conjoining together at the Kids Next Door Lunar Moonbase. Up on the balcony overlooking the Global Command deck, Harvey was slumped over the railings with a sneer as his teammate laughed his butt off behind him.
"AH HA HA HA HA HAA HAA!" The red haired Patrick Fulbright guffawed as he kicked around on the floor. Lee gave off a few chuckles as well while he flicked out his yo-yo. The only one not out right laughing was Sonya, but she was just that good at keeping her giggles to herself.
"Oh man!" Patrick wheezed to himself as he wiped away a tear. "Did'ja have fun breaking it down old school, sir? Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" He fell back again, holding his ribs in mirthful. "O-Or did you decide to be funky fresh? Oh Zero, y-you're killing me!"
"Shut it, Numbuh 85," The boy growled out as he spared Paddy a deadly look. "Or else you're gonna pay."
"What are ya gonna do? Bust a move on me? HA HA!"
"THAT'S IT I'M GONNA – "
"Calm down, sir." Sonya intervened before things got ugly. "You know Numbuh 85 doesn't mean it. Besides, we've all agreed not to tell anyone."
"We did?" Patrick suddenly spoke up. "Because I think my sister would love to hear – " He then rethought his words as the three glared at him. "I mean uh, don't worry pal. My lips are sealed."
Lee only shook his head as he stuffed his yo-yo in his pocket. "It's not gonna matter." He lowly uttered, causing the others to look at him confused. "Numbuh 362 is gonna find out."
It took Sonya a minute to understand where the boy was going. "Oh no! That's right! You charged up Numbuh 362's card when you didn't have the money to pay Rickey's bill!" She began to fret, as she chewed on her nails in fears. "Oh, she's gonna be so mad."
Harvey just blinked for a moment, until slowly, a Grinch like grin crawled up his face. The devious intent behind enough to cause all present to flinch. "Oh, that little hiccup will settle itself out."
Sonya, Lee, and Patrick all shared a nervous look before the Irish boy asked the question. "Uh, sir? What…what did you do?" Part of him really didn't want to know the answer.
But the blond himself leaned back into the railing and smiled. "Just wait for it." They stood around in confusion, but then jumped when a screamed echoed out through the air.
"AAAAAAHHHH!"
The four looked to the doorway as a terrified Numbuh 1 came rocketing onto the deck; flying in the air with the help of his jet boots. He looked back in fear, only to yelp when a red laser took out his rockets. The bald Brit tumbled to the floor, and rolled around until he collided with the railing. He held his head as he glanced to the door, only to freeze and crawled back once he saw the girl stepping out the door. "R-Rachel! I – "
"Two hundred and six." The blonde girl hissed out, extremely livid. Her eyes were frozen in a heated glare transfixed on the boy, and both of her hands were occupied. One with a smoking S.C.A.M.P.P, and the other tightly clutching a small sheet of paper. "Two hundred and six. You charged up my card and now I owe Lime Rickey's two hundred and six special edition Yipper cards!" She raged, the members of Sector W shocked as they processed the information. "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY THIS? I DON'T EVEN COLLECT THOSE STUPID TRADING CARDS!"
Apparently even Rickey is forced to submit to the recession.
Nigel paled at the girl's roar. "B-But I didn't charge your card!" He tried to explain, but the girl was not having any of it. "Really! I-I don't even remember going to Lime Rickey's!" Bad choice of words.
"Oh. You don't?" Rachel seethed out as she dropped the S.C.A.M.P.P and bill and cracked her knuckles. "Well then start paying attention, because you're going to remember THIS!" She bellowed as he tackled the boy. He was taken by the surprise, and the two went barreling over the side of the platform; Nigel screaming all the way down.
Sonya, Lee, and Patrick winced with every sound of pain coming from below. They then slowly turned back to Harvey, who carried a small, yet evil smirk on his lips. "Wha…Wha just happened?" Sonya asked a bit scared. She didn't know Harvey would pull something like that.
"I just won." The boy chuckled before breaking out into a beaming grin. "Come on guys! Let's go get some ice cream! First round's on me!" He happily chimed as he turned to exit; his three teammates nervously following behind. They then decided they never wanted to end up on Numbuh 363's bad side. But the boy himself was very calm at the moment. So calm, he decided to hum a little tune to himself. "~She's a super freak. Super freak. She's super freaky~"
Yes, he felt better now. And finally accepted the fact his sister was dating that pompous Numbuh 1. He was cool with it. As long as Rachel was happy he supposed, he certainly wouldn't try and break them up. He guessed now that he had got even (for what is still in question) he could try and get along with Uno.
The Brit just had to remember his one rule:
Don't touch me…
I love making spoofs! Gets the mind moving. Enjoy this until I update something else.
Later.