Of Things You Can't Control

(even though your name has "control" in it)

Chapter 7: Of Learning and Teaching

Another week had passed. Katsumi was still in the middle of counting the butterflies fluttering inside her stomach. She was happy. And she had never felt this happy before. It was weird (Weird being the word of the millennium!). Really, it felt very unreal… Extremely unreal. Surreal even. But that was basically the same word with only a different prefix. Still. That was how she felt.

So she had confessed her feelings to Kakashi – that had been the most awkward moment of her life. Yet at the same time, it had been relieving and good. And as he hadn't pushed her away, she was assuming it had been the right thing to do. She even ignored the fact that he hadn't really said anything to that. It had only been his actions that had made it clear (sort of) that he wasn't entirely against what she felt. Actually, he had been really cryptic. But what did it matter: he was allowing her to hug him when he was standing in the kitchen and kiss him when he was leaving for a mission and snuggle against him when he was sitting on the couch…

Yes, there had been moments where she had felt like a Stalker-girl. But then again, he hadn't objected! So it wasn't wrong, right? He could have told her to stop, yet he never had. And if he didn't push her away, it was his own fault. There!

Yeah. Katsumi, being the teenager she was, had turned into the teenager she was. Hormones all inclusive! Sometimes, it was sickening, even to her.

It was Saturday evening and she was standing in the kitchen, staring down at the book in front of her. She had proven to be the "learning by doing" type of girl when it came to such things as emotions and (somehow) human relations, so she was curious if that applied to cooking as well. Well, it wasn't as easy as getting certain information from a book like Icha Icha. The cooking book she picked from the book shelf was… well, not as easy to understand. She had tried to do the same recipe twice now – and there had always been something off. She had burned the meat, overcooked the vegetables, burned the rice, drowned anything that could have been drowned, and somehow everything had ended up inedible. Twice! No, it was not easy at all!

But it looked so easy when Kakashi was doing it…

Katsumi sighed and slammed the book shut. She then disposed of the inedible stuff you wouldn't even be allowed to call food. It used to be food, now it was something completely different. Picking up the book, she then returned it to the bookshelf. There – with her stomach rumbling – she picked another book to read. Something else. Not cooking, not romance/porn novels (of which Kakashi had surprisingly quite the collection), but something that might be more useful.

To sum it up, it were books of "how to become a ninja". And she really, really wanted to become one.

She had had this train of thought for quite a while now, basically after finding out that Kakashi was teaching a bunch of kid ninjas. Before that she had had no idea of what she wanted to become. Before that she had been a wanderer whose only concerns were of what to eat and where to sleep. Now she was thinking more about her future. Because, suddenly, with the appearance of a new range of emotions, she was actually able to see a future. Seven years of wandering around aimlessly hadn't been of great help. But meeting a strange, one-eyed man somehow had.

Katsumi flipped open a book entitled "The History of the Ninja" and started reading while walking blindly towards the couch. There she sat down, curled up into a more comfortable position and read. She read and read and read until she reached the last page. Then she stood up, returned the book and grabbed another one. She had been reading through three more books by the time she heard the door being unlocked. And while she was reading about water-based ninjutsu, her heart began to beat faster. Just like that. Only because of the door being opened and what that sound implied.

Kakashi was back.

He had left in the morning for a mission. Now it was around midnight. He had been gone for far too long. She lowered the book and looked towards the door. Without even realizing it, a smile crept up her lips as she watched him get rid of his shoes. He met her gaze and his eye creased into a tired smile. While walking into the living room, he loosened his hitai-ate and ran a hand through his messy hair.

"How was your mission?" Katsumi asked and sat up straighter as he sat down beside her.

Kakashi sighed deeply and placed the forehead protector on the table, before leaning back. "Troublesome."

She tilted her head and watched him. He did look exhausted and somehow annoyed. Maybe she shouldn't mention the food she had wasted on her failed attempts of cooking. Nope, she should not mention that. And maybe it wasn't the perfect time to ask him whether he could teach her how to become a ninja. Nope, he didn't seem in the mood for that either. She marked the page she had been reading and closed the book, before moving slightly closer to him. Her hands found his arm. He turned his head towards her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked carefully.

"There's nothing to talk about. My Genin were just a bunch of idiots today. They sometimes are. I guess I should get used to that sooner or later" he replied.

"Did you train them today as well?"

He laughed a dry laugh. "No, that would have been even more troublesome. There's no training for them until Monday."

"What are you teaching them at the moment?" Katsumi couldn't hide her interest any longer.

Kakashi seemed to notice and watched her closely for a moment. He smiled then, leaning towards where she had placed the book she had been reading. "Water-based ninjutsu, huh?" he read as he flipped it open. "No more smut, I see. So you're into ninjutsu now?"

"I guess I'm into wanting to become a ninja now…" she said quietly and looked down. "Is that weird?"

He made her look up by placing a hand on her cheek. She blushed immediately. "It's not weird, it's a good thing!"

"Really? …Wait, you're not saying this because you're a teacher and would encourage everyone to become a ninja, right?"

He laughed at that. "No, believe me, not everyone should become a ninja, but I somehow have a feeling that you would make a great one."

She watched him speechlessly. Seriously? Seriously? Katsumi blinked. Her astonishment was interrupted by his voice.

"Don't look so surprised" he said with a smiling eye. He lowered his hand to place it on her collarbone with his thumb running over her skin. "I really mean it."

She stared at him and swallowed. A moment of silence (somewhat awkward) came down between them, before Kakashi cleared his throat and exhaled loudly.

"Have you eaten yet?" he smoothly changed the topic and put down the book again.

Katsumi watched him, wanting to stop him so they could dig deeper into the topic of being or becoming a ninja and maybe, maybe come to the agreement that Kakashi could teach her some ninjutsu. But no… he had to talk about food. Seriously.

"No" she replied with a sigh and suddenly remembered the inedible stuff in the trash. Oh. "But…" Yeah, she really shouldn't keep stuff from him. He would find out anyways… "I tried to cook something…" she then added very quietly, staring at her hands.

"Really?" he asked in a rather cheerful voice. "You tried, huh?"

She looked up at him. "Emphasis on "tried"…"

Kakashi laughed. "So I did smell something burned, I thought so."

"I'm sorry" she whispered, avoiding his gaze. "I'm sorry I wasted your food…"

She heard him standing up from the couch. "Do you remember what you said about mistakes?" he then asked, making her look up at him. His eye smiled at her.

Katsumi remembered. ""I want to learn and I can only do that by making mistakes"", she said.

"Exactly" he replied. "So I won't stop you. You want to learn, you have to make your own experiences. Even though that might include emptying my refrigerator." He shot her one more glance before he walked into the kitchen, with Katsumi staring after him, her heart increasing in tempo – even though it was already running at full speed.

He… was… unbelievable…

Seriously, she very nearly sighed or squealed or made other embarrassing sounds indicating how much she adored Kakashi. Teenage hormones… they really were something. Instead she tried to swallow the wish to throw imaginary hearts at his back, cleared her throat and exhaled loudly, before she got up from the couch and followed him into the kitchen.

"So, can I assume that after your unfortunate cooking attempts you are still hungry?" he asked as she approached him, while rummaging through a cabinet.

It was then that she was reminded of exactly how hungry she was. She had tried to ignore the empty feeling inside her stomach and reading those books had certainly helped distract her, but now, she could very clearly hear it. The rumbling seemed to shake the entire kitchen. Katsumi turned bright red and tried to cover the strange noise by clearing her throat again, but Kakashi only chuckled.

"Thank you for the immediate reply" he said, still laughing.

"Hmm" Katsumi mumbled. She wanted to turn away from him in embarrassment, but he stopped her by placing his hand on her shoulder and pulling her closer. A bit perplexed she looked up at him. He smiled.

"You know" he said and cupped her face with one hand. "This blushing of yours is really adorable."

And she blushed even more.

Kakashi then raised his free hand to tug on his mask. The next second she stared wide-eyed at his face that drew closer and closer and then… His lips met hers. It was a rare moment of him actually kissing her. Despite her "drunkenness" (on emotions) she sure had noticed that it was mostly her who directed her affection at him, not vice versa. Of course he replied soon after, but he never started it. She really couldn't care less, but she still couldn't completely ignore that particular fact.

She leaned into the short, but caring kiss and smiled, when he had leaned back.

"So how about we find us something to eat?" he then asked and turned towards the cabinets once more. "That is… if you've left anything."

Feeling another wave of redness creeping up her face, she quickly turned towards the fridge and opened its door forcefully. The cool air evaporating from it was like ice on her hot skin. She could have sworn that there had been the faint hissing of steam. She cleared her throat and grabbed the milk carton. While Kakashi still rummaged through the cabinets, she poured herself a glass of milk and gulped it down rather hastily – in order to distract herself and to get her face to cool down again. All this blushing was really getting on her nerves. Why was she behaving so stupidly all of a sudden?

After she drank the entire glass of milk, she inhaled deeply. Then she had to cough. Badly. Oh, seriously, why? Yet she caught herself quickly, just as Kakashi turned his gaze towards her. She looked up a bit horrified – even more so as his lips distorted into a smile. The blush was back.

Why was he looking at her like that?

The answer came when he leaned closer and gently touched her upper lip with his index finger. Her mouth fell open slightly. "You have a beard, miss" he then said with a smirk.

Her eyes widened at that – but before she could do anything about that, Kakashi had leant in even closer, placing his lips gently on her upper lip. She blinked when she felt how the tip of his tongue licked over the thin layer of milk above her lip. Closing her eyes, she held her breath in bewilderment. His kiss was short, but sweet. It left her more than breathless – and not only because she had denied her lungs any air during it. She opened her eyes slowly, to find him still leaning close to her, his eye fixed on her face. She didn't dare to move, while her heart basically leapt against her ribcage.

"Are you still hungry?" he then whispered, his low voice merely a soft rumble in her ears.

She swallowed, blinking, a pleasant shiver running down her spine.

He tilted his head. She watched him closely. Bangs of his hair were falling on his forehead, half-covering his eyebrows. His closed eye looked so peaceful, despite the scar running across it. His other eye, however, wore a look that she couldn't quite grasp. Something like hunger came to her mind… His lips turned into a smile.

"So?"

"Hmm?" she asked in confusion.

"Hungry?"

"Um…" She inhaled deeply. "Yes."

"Good, let's dine out tonight, then" he said and straightened up again.

Sense kicked back into her. Finally. "Wait, it's past midnight!"

"And?" he asked while closing the cabinet doors and putting her empty glass into the sink.

"Well, will there be a shop still open to serve us food?"

He turned towards her with a smile. "If you would go outside more often, you might know that this village actually has a night life. Besides, it's Friday night, of course…"

His voice grew silent, even though his lips were still moving. She stared up at him, blankly, while her mind flipped through her memories as if they were stored in a book of some sorts. She held her breath when it stopped on a particular memory from a few weeks ago.

It had been Friday night as well… they had been out looking for food… he had said that he wouldn't let her wander around the village all by herself… yet he had left her in front of a shop… because she had refused to follow him… and she had ended up… in a dark side street… surrounded by a group of drunken men… who had… A tear escaped the corner of her eye while she still stared up at him, unblinkingly, holding her breath, unable to move. It had been her first evening out, her first time walking through Konoha, her first time… having felt like that. Vulnerable. Touched. Weak. Kissed. Helpless. Molested.

Another tear rolled down her cheek.

Now it was Kakashi's turn to move. She noticed that his lips had stopped moving. Concern had washed over his face. His eye looked unsmiling. Grave even. "Katsumi." The way he said her name… softly, alarmed, yet soothing… She blinked, inhaling as she did so.

How embarrassing! Why was she still so upset about that incident? She shouldn't be! She wanted to be strong, not weak… She hastily raised her hand to wipe away the tears, but it was Kakashi's hand that stopped her mid-air. She looked at him a bit perplexed.

"Let's sit down for a moment, okay?" he then said in a quiet voice, pulling her along towards the living-room, where he motioned her to sit down on the couch, before he sat down beside her.

She watched him. What was he doing?

"I'd like to talk to you about what happened two weeks ago" he said, while looking at her, his hand still holding her wrist gently.

She swallowed. How could he know what was troubling her? Could he read her mind? Or was it that obvious? Yeah, probably. Besides, he was pretty good at combining things. And it really didn't seem to be hard to see that she didn't want to go outside. Just because.

"Two weeks ago…" she whispered and lowered her gaze. She really didn't want to talk about that. "I… really don't want to talk about that" she then said.

"Katsumi." His voice… was… so… calming… She inhaled deeply and sighed. Seriously.

"Well, what do you want to talk about?" she then exclaimed, looking at him, trying to act as tough as she possibly could. "Do you want to tell me how stupid it was to walk around alone and let myself being dragged into a side street…?"

He tilted his head.

She looked away again, feeling her eyes burning.

"No" he simply said. "I won't tell you that it was stupid or dangerous, because it wasn't your fault." She felt how his thumb drew circles on her wrist. "I wanted to know how you feel about that. You don't have to act tough, you know?"

That made the tears spill again. Damn it!

"Katsumi, tell me what happened."

Her breath increased in speed. She shook her head. "No… I… I don't want to tell you what happened because I already know that… I…" She broke off and started differently. "I ignored it, you know? Because I didn't think it was… important. It shouldn't be. Because I never wanted to feel like that again… I… I'm not weak" she added in a low whisper, staring at her knees. She tried to calm herself down by slowly inhaling and exhaling. It took her a while, but it worked.

She then looked up at him. He was watching her cautiously.

"It doesn't matter, okay? It was nothing. Besides… I…"

"Do you know why you had such a high temperature?" he suddenly asked, interrupting her.

"Huh?" Why was he changing the topic? Or was he assuming those things were connected?

She had successfully suppressed what had happened that night, so she hadn't thought about that or her fever. She had just assumed that her body knew best, and when it decided to raise her temperature, she didn't object (it wasn't as if she could have stopped it anyways). "A fever is your body's way of letting you know something is wrong." And she had accepted it. Never had she questioned it.

She had never been someone to think too much about anything. Well, at least until she had discovered those things called emotions… but, well, let's say, she never thought about anything bad for too long. She usually suppressed it for good. It was her own way of dealing with problems. Her own defense mechanism. It had worked quite well in the past.

Because there hadn't been anyone to bring it up again.

"What do you mean?" she asked again.

"Your fever, you never wondered why you were sick all of a sudden?"

She tried to remain completely expressionless. Judging by the way he was looking at her, it didn't seem to work too well. "No, I didn't. I doubt it has anything to do with those…"

"What exactly do you remember of the incident?"

"I told you I don't want to…"

"Please, try to remember" he then said with an edge of urgency in his voice.

She frowned. "Well…" She didn't want to remember! She didn't want to… Oh. She held her breath as she remembered.

There she was in the dark side street… there were the men… there they were touching her… and there she was… what? She remembered yells of pain. The men had been in pain after touching her… What had happened? Then she recalled the sensation she had felt. The burning. The heat. The hot air surrounding her. The tingling on her skin. The boiling beneath. What had happened?

She blinked, looking down at her arms, absentmindedly running her free hand over her skin. Kakashi watched her with a curious gaze in his eye. She looked up.

"Something… happened to me. My skin… I…" she began, as something else crept into her mind. Something she had also suppressed… for quite a while.

She had been eight years old when her mother and father had first told her about it. She couldn't really recall all the details, she had been too young. All she remembered was "fire skin" of sorts, even though her parents had different names for that. They had said that this "fire skin" was something special to their family, their clan and that she should be proud about that ability because only their clan had it. They had not told her, however, how it would work. "You'll learn it soon enough, sweetie" her mother had said, while her father had smiled at her. "When you're older."

She was older now. Yet her parents were not around anymore to witness that.

Katsumi inhaled deeply to try and restrain herself from falling apart. The memory of her parents had been the most suppressed one in her mind, it had been somewhere in the back, where it was dark and where she would never go ever again… because it was just too painful to think about them…

Just when she was about to fully sink into the dark shadows of her past, she felt Kakashi's hand close tighter around hers. His warmth… was… She closed her eyes.

"Fire skin" she then said, blinking away the tears that had gathered once again in her eyes. "That's what happened, right? My… clan had this ability. I never learned anything about it but that it was a special ability only my clan possessed… I never even learned how to use it…"

"Hmm" was all Kakashi had to reply to that.

She breathed in deeply, before she looked at him, watching him closely. "Do you know anything about that?" she then asked.

He turned his head towards her. "You expect me to know everything, don't you?" he replied with a soft smile.

Katsumi blinked. "Eh?"

Kakashi watched her. He had to change the topic. Quickly. She was being way too emotional. He should have known. Asking her about that incident two weeks ago… seriously, what was wrong with him? Of course she would have suppressed that memory. Yet he had been curious whether or not she knew about her Kekkei Genkai, the reason why those men hadn't been able to touch her.

Apparently, she had no idea whatsoever.

So it was called "fire skin". It made perfect sense.

"Do you know anything about that?" she had asked.

What was he supposed to tell her? Yes, I know quite a bit about your Kekkei Genkai and about you and the demise of your clan? No, he couldn't tell her. She would immediately lose trust in him – and he didn't want that to happen. He had to make sure that she was safe. He had to lie.

"You expect me to know everything, don't you?" he had said, smiling at her, distracting her, changing the topic.

"Eh?" She seemed confused. Better confused, than emotionally unstable.

"Look, all I know is that your so-called "fire skin" caused those men to retreat. They couldn't touch you, right?" He watched her closely.

It hurt him to see how much that memory seemed to trouble her. Her lower lip was shaking slightly, as she batted down her eyes.

"Well, they could… but… not for long" Katsumi said barely audible.

She looked even more vulnerable. He couldn't even imagine how it must have been for her. That incident. Those men. Not being able to stop them… A wave of guilt rushed through him. It had been his fault. He should have saved her earlier. It wasn't as if she had been harmed badly, they had barely touched her, yet there was no way of denying that she had felt helpless, weak, vulnerable. They had invaded her privacy, they… he couldn't even think about it. He had no idea how she felt about it, yet he knew that he felt way too uncomfortable thinking about it.

"Katsumi" he said quietly.

She looked up slowly. As soon as their eyes had met, he pulled both arms around her and held her close, embracing her tightly, literally trying to squeeze every bad thought out of her body. He felt how she stiffened against him. She always did that, before she relaxed. He could only imagine that she must still feel weird about being close to someone. No wonder he had been the most surprised when she had confessed her feelings for him. It must have been the strangest thing for her…

Still holding her tightly, he pressed his lips lightly against her forehead and whispered: "I'm sorry, Katsumi. I'm sorry I made you remember."

She slowly raised her hands and placed them firmly on his chest. "It's okay" she then replied quietly, leaning her cheek against his neck. "I'm fine…"

She wasn't fine, he could tell. But digging deeper into the matter wasn't going to help her now. It would only make it worse. Change the topic already! He did so by pulling her onto his lap.

Over the past week he had grown more accustomed to her displays of affection. And yes, he was selfish enough to admit that he liked it. When he had gone home from his mission tonight, he had felt utterly exhausted and deeply annoyed. But then she had smiled at him, welcomed him home in such a warm manner, yes, he must have been a lifeless robot if his heart hadn't lightened up by the sight of her. So it was only natural to respond – even though it still felt quite unnatural for him. He just wasn't the overly affectionate type!

But he did his best.

She looked up at him when he pulled her closer to his chest. Her eyes were glittering. He raised a hand to wipe away the tears that were still caught in her lashes. She closed her eyes as he did so. Then she simply leaned against him, as if she had been the one who had been up all day, trying to keep his Genin under control. Yet he could imagine that it must be equally tiring to just sit around his apartment all day long…

"Katsumi" he said quietly after a while.

"Hmm?" she replied, her face buried in the hollow of his throat.

"You want me to teach you, don't you?" he then asked.

He felt how she froze for a moment, before she looked up at him. "How did you know?"

He smiled at her. "I can read minds" he responded. He couldn't, but it was always amusing that some people actually believed him to be able to do the weirdest things.

Katsumi narrowed her eyes. "No, you can't."

"Are you sure?" he played along, watching her closely.

"Well, what am I thinking right now?" she challenged him with a tiny smile.

It wasn't too hard to tell what she was thinking right now. She was surprised, happy and somehow relieved that he had picked up the topic again. He grinned wider, but instead of answering her, he leaned closer and kissed her. She blushed deeply.

"You're happy" he then whispered, his nose brushing against hers, and smiled. "Am I right?"

Her blush turned redder than her hair. She smiled shyly. "You are" she whispered.

Kakashi pulled her closer and held her tightly. "See, I can read minds" he said. "And if you want, I can teach you a few things about being a ninja."

She gently grabbed the collar of his vest, pulled herself up a little and placed her lips onto his cheek. "That would be great!" she replied, smiling broadly. "Thank you" she added in a low whisper and leaned against him again.

It wouldn't hurt to teach her a few basic things, really. Even though it was his mission to keep her safe and in Konoha, he somehow knew that she wouldn't always stay here. She would leave and she would need to defend herself in the outside world. So actually, he was more than doing her a favor. He prepared her. For whatever there might be coming.

And he knew for certain that Katsumi's life had some more bad surprises left for her.

A/N: First of all: I AM SORRY, GUYS! Really sorry. I haven't updated in AGES! Literally. And I feel bad. But (and here comes the super-duper excuse…) I had so much other stuff to do. But to be honest: I just had a lot of trouble writing this chapter. Maybe it was just too pink and bright for me. Yeah, probably. But I somehow did it and here you go.

I hope this was worth the wait? Even though I fear that I lost all my readers by not updating as requested. I AM SORRY (again). I hope you can forgive me. Sort of. Oh well.

Anyway. To answer the unspoken question of why the heck did you update now and not four months earlier? Four months ago, I started a new semester in which I had a LOT to do. University, you know? You think it's easy and there are lots of parties, but no, sometimes you do have to work hard too. And I did and forgot all about this story. I am to blame. I should learn to better manage my free time. But enough of this. It probably bores you as much as it bores me.

So. Here was chapter 7. I am honest to you: Chapter 8 has not yet been written. That means: an update could take a while. Depending on how much motivation I have left. (For your notice, I am on break now, until April, BUT break doesn't mean parties and lots of free time, I still have to write a huge paper and an exam by the end of March. BUT (another one) I know myself: instead of learning, I'll probably do something else. And I hope for you that is writing another chapter. Hehe. Yeah.)

ANYWAYS: To this chapter. Did you like it? Do you have any suggestions/ideas on what I should be writing about? I would love to hear your input!

Also a very BELATED thank you to everyone who reviewed thus far. The more you guys review, the more I'll be motivated to please all my lovely readers! So, help me please you! (That sounded kind of wrong, didn't it?) Hehe, so, again: THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE!

In the next chapter there will hopefully be some kind of twist because – seriously – all that pink-and-shiny-lovey-dovey-stuff is boring! So, expect a BOOM or a BAM or something!

Disclaimer: Naruto (and the Naruto-world and everyone inhabiting it) was created by Kishimoto Masashi. The character of Katsumi was created in my mind.