Chapter Four: Forgive and Forget, an impossible feat

How longer can I run?

How longer can I hide?

From the scars left behind

But no matter where I go

Where I turn

The past will most definitely catch up with the future

-A BEAUTIFUL DISASTER-

The foreignness embraced her in its lonely presence. She felt it, like any other time when she had been alone in a foreign, unfamiliar setting surrounded by strangers who could've cared less about her. A long time ago, she would've felt odd and nonexistent, as if she didn't matter, but she had grown accustomed to it. It didn't matter anymore, for her existence would always be unacknowledged. She would always be transparent, invisible to anyone but herself.

Calgalli reflected upon the morning episode, at the assertion made by her husband.

"I can give you anything, anything but love."

It had somewhat stunned her when he uttered such a pronouncement. She never expected him to greet her, let alone care for her well-being. To any other person who heard it, that disheartening pronouncement might've seemed heartless and cruel, but it made Cagalli look at him in a different light. Although Coordinators were seemingly ruthless and immoral, her husband took the effort to tell her his intentions.

"I can give you anything, anything but love."

From that single sentence, she knew he was willing to reside peacefully with her even if they were predestined adversaries. He would not give her love, but he would respect her wishes, and that was enough to content her. But then her father's voice fleeted through her head.

"As his wife, you must use your authority to find PLANT's weakness. I want all the information on their military equipment, their plans, covert alliances, and any possible document that threatens the downfall of Orb. That will give Orb a chance to attack. Be safe, my daughter. I will be waiting."

Cagalli wondered if it was too late to turn back now. She was a pawn for her father, but perhaps, the saviour of Orb. She knew that peace was precarious, especially based on a single marriage. If she was caught committing any suspicious acts, she could be thrown into prison and the peace treaty would be bleached, marking a possibility of another war.

"Why is it so dark in here?" Miriallia frowned upon entering the room. The blinds were shut tight, blocking out most cheerful sun, except for a few rays which managed to escape through the gaps. Cagalli was sitting solemnly at her dresser, resembling those eerie ghosts in the horror movies she and Cagalli used to watch when sneaking out of the palace. Miriallia stumbled over to the window and opened up the blinds. The room was immediately illuminated, brightening up the room. She then turned back to her wedded friend.

The heavy makeup from the morningwas removed entirely from Cagalli, including the ridiculous smudges of colours that weren't worthy of gracing Cagalli's face. Cagalli finally appeared to be the friend Miriallia once knew.

The exchange between the groom and the bride in yesterday's matrimony was witnessed by her.

"I can give you anything, anything but love."

"I understand."

To say it didn't startle her would be an understatement; Miriallia was devastated – and that was coming from someone who knew the motive behind the marriage and wasn't a participant –yet Cagalli managed to compose herself like of true nobility. Miriallia knew that it wasn't wise to question Cagalli, for the exchange was somewhat confidential. It was an agreement between the bride and the groom, and Miriallia had no right to question it.

However, she knew that one day, her dear Cagalli – her best friend—would be taken away from her. Her gut feelings told her to despise Athrun, even though he had done nothing wrong to her except for unwittingly changing her best friend. Okay, so that wasn't fair. Maybe she should put the blame more on the whole political marriage which turned a carefree, innocent princess into someone enigmatic and detached.

But deep down, her intuition told her that he was the one for her mistress; that only a man like Athrun Zala could match up with her valiant Cagalli. She couldn't explain her reasoning. It was his aura, some void that encompassed him. All Miriallia had to do was observe him during the marriage vows to know that he was an honourable man and was suited for her friend.

"—rialia!" The brown-haired Natural flinched, unwinding herself from her thoughts.

"Yes, Cagalli?"

"You should smile more." To prove her point, the blond-haired woman lifted the corners of her lips and smiled warmly.

Mariallia stared back, flabbergasted. Perhaps she had been wrong in thinking that Cagalli was becoming enigmatic and detached, for the woman in front of her looked untroubled and cheerful.

"Why are you suddenly so blithe?" Her brown eyes constricted as she stared suspiciously her mistress.

Cagalli sighed while blowing the long strands for her bangs away from her face.

"I'm just not going to care anymore." She answered as her eyes rolled upwards in a contemplative manner. "Whatever happens will be in the hands of God."

"How can you say that, Cagalli Yula Athha?" The anger in Miriallia erupted as she glared reproachfully at the said woman. "You sacrificed yourself in order to commence peace, entering a country full of lions ready to tear you apart at any mistake and you don't even care? You told me yourself, Cagalli, that in order to survive here, you've got to plot your way—"

"Calm down, Mir." The voice was soothing and when Miriallia looked up, she saw that Cagalli looked…old. Did her best friend always look this weary?

"I desire peace more than anyone else, and to have peace is to enjoy life. What does conspiring have to do with peace? I want Naturals and Coordinators to coexist. As long as I keep watch of myself, no one can hurt me."

The princess' lady-in-waiting rolled her eyes. "They will always be the same. Coordinators are vindictive and vicious." The last two words rolled off her lips, dripping with revulsion.

"I want you to give them a chance Mir. Not all of them are bad. It was war, and if I was in that bloody battlefield, I would've just blindly killed anyone. The guy who killed Tolle could not be blamed."

Miriallia eyes widened, her lips parted slightly. Cagalli words simply alarmed her and she felt anger rush through her like adrenaline. "I can't believe my best friend would say that," She snarled, "We both know you wouldn't do that, so stop siding with the enemy."

Through her rage and resentment, she saw grief washed over Cagalli's eyes.

"Peace comes with enjoyment in life. To enjoy life is to forgive and forget." It sounded like a philosophical saying from idealistic monks.

"And what happens if I don't want to forgive and forget?" The question was callous and austere, but Miriallia didn't spare it a second thought. "I'm sorry Cagalli, but if I forgive and forget, it's like I've stopped loving Tolle. If I stop hating them, the memories of Tolle will disappear from me forever. Now if you'll excuse me."

She left the room without looking back.

-A BEAUTIFUL DISASTER-

The autumn leaves snatched in the turbulence of the wind gently sway away from its target on the ground in the park. The twinkling lights of the sun danced across the pavements. Autumn was soon reaching its end. The crispy, auburn leaves crumbling under the feet of pedestrians marked the end of another journey and the beginning of sorrow and anguish.

Miriallia believed that the world was mocking her. In deepest moments of sorrow, she met amorous couples holding hands, embracing each other, or kissing affectionately. Even the solitary ones seemed lost in his paradise of dream, thoughts, and happiness. Laughs and cries of children and teens vibrated through the air.

She tightened her hands into fists and fought the tears threatening to break free from her control. There was a lump in her throat as her mind chanted a mantra."I will not cry." She had to be strong for herself and for Tolle. He wouldn't want her to be like this. She missed his dorky jokes, his dazzling smiles and affectionate hugs. She missed curling in his arms and watching romantic comedies with him in the late evenings. She missed their frivolous arguments. She missed the past.

"Peace comes with enjoyment in life. To enjoy life is to forgive and forget." Cagalli's philosophical saying entered her mind and she bit her lips, hoping it would force the tears back in.

Images of the past flashed through her mind like a roll of film. Pictures were definitely worth a million words and the last one was the most vivid – a snapshot of an explosion, a mobile detonated, vanishing into thin air. The body could never be recovered.

'Please stop! Please… go… away.' She begged for the images to disappear, but like Death Eaters, which feeds on sorrow, the images grew lucid and clear.

Miriallia fell onto her knees, a hand thrust against the ground. She wanted to disappear or lose her memories. That way, she wouldn't have to suffer the present aftermath.

She muttered to herself, "I have to be strong."

The self assurance was hoarse and she buried her face in her hands, hoping to silence the helpless sobs that were about to break out. The setting of the park disappeared and she was engulfed in darkness. All her senses were numb, except for the whispers that seemed to mock her.

She had to be strong.

She needed to be strong.

But the task seemed impossible, for her heart was shattering on the inside.

"To enjoy life is to forgive and forget."

Cagalli was right. She needed to forgive and forget or the hatred would eat her whole, but the malevolent side of her refused to yield to the words.

'Someone, save me!' Her heart screamed.

As if a person had heard her plead, a hand grabbed her scrawny shoulders and pulled her out of the dark. A pair of soft, worried amethyst eyes came to her vision.

"Are you okay, Miss?" His deep voice was powerful, yet it had softened around the edges, producing a sophisticated timbre.

Before passing out, Miriallia thought he was an angel sent down from heaven to bring salvation to her world of sorrow and grief.

TBC.

A/N: Since I haven't had the inspiration to write any chapters or drabbles and I got such a lovely message from an anonymous reader, I decided to update this story. Yes, long meaningful reviews fire up my inspiration to write. Did any of the past Beautiful Disaster's readers notice the changes in this chapter? Of all the revised chapters, this chapter was altered the most.

+KinRi Tram~

Second Publication: 05.08.11