Chapter 1

You are victorious. All of your enemies lie defeated in the hell that you left behind. Your friends are safe and you're alive, finally being reunited with everyone. Tired but happy, you observe them talking and hugging, smiling and laughing, chatting, crying, and comforting each other. The war is over and your side did not suffer any casualties, for which you are thankful. Everyone is together. Everything is fine. You will be home soon, starting a new life and forgetting whatever happened here. Everything is fine, isn't it? It seems that way. But little do you know that this is only the beginning of a new struggle that is just ahead of you.

"Hey, Rukia!" you call the brunette who's standing to the side and discussing something with her brother.

She doesn't move her head right away, so you assume she did not hear you. And then you start into her direction until she finally looks at you. The expression on her face is far more serious than you've expected, but you do not let it bother you. She is probably tired, you tell yourself while coming close to her. Yet, her next action makes you frown as you watch her turning away again as if trying to hide something. What's going on? She's just tired, isn't she?

"You have five minutes to say your goodbyes." Byakuya's calm voice reaches your ears, and then he leaves. Goodbyes? To the Shinigami, right?

"Hey!" you attempt to sound cheerful, "What's with the face? We won, so…"

"Ichigo," she interrupts you without looking up, "I am going home with Brother."

You pause, unsure of what to make of it. The only time when Rukia chose to stay in Soul Society was after the execution incident was sorted out. But even then she did it to get her powers back. So, what is the deal now? Maybe the war was too much for her?

"Ok…" you respond uncertainly, "I guess you need some time to recover. I'll tell Yuzu to put some of your stuff away until you return."

Rukia shakes her head and sighs audibly.

"I don't know when I'm coming back." She says quietly, "Don't wait for me."

Something is definitely wrong. She isn't just saying weird things but not even looking at you.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" you demand. "If you need time to get over this, then fine. Take a break. But don't speak like you're never coming back!"

She finally turns her head, tears glistening in her eyes. "That's the thing, moron!" she yells at you in frustration, "I am not coming back! Why can't you understand it?"

You stand silent as her words slowly register in your head. I am not coming back! What the hell? What the hell? What the HELL? And then you watch as she silently walks past you and towards her brother, who is surrounded by the rest of the Shinigami and preparing to open a Senkai gate.

No fucking way! You aren't letting her go without an explanation.

A few angry strides and you grab her by the shoulders spinning her around. "What the hell is going on, Rukia?" you hiss at her furiously. "You expect me to buy a half-assed excuse like that? I'm not coming back my ass! What's going ON?"

"Let go of me!" she yells back, "I can't do this right now! You wouldn't understand anything!"

"Don't you think I deserve to know after everything we've been through?"

She stops and stares at you realizing that you are right.

"Aren't we friends?" you persist.

Her shoulders sink as tears stream down her cheeks. "We are." she whispers brokenly, "And that is why I don't want to hurt you."

"Bullshit!" you retort feverishly, "You aren't going anywhere until you tell me everything. I deserve to know."

Her eyes search your face pleadingly, begging to let her go, but you are resolved to get to the bottom of this. Whatever happened, you will help her to get through this. Even if it's something you can't understand, you will do your damnest to at least try.

Finally, defeated by your unyielding stare, she sighs and begins to speak.

"When I was fighting Espada number nine, he turned into Kaien Shiba, my long dead mentor…" her voice is barely a whisper, "At first I thought I got past this, that I left it all behind me, but I was wrong. He made me remember things! Painful things!" she manages through sobs, "He made me believe that Kaien was alive!" She pauses to catch her breath, "And for just a moment I thought that he was! I was so happy…" she averts her eyes looking at your chest, "And then I realized it was all lie." pause, "I'm not sure I can get over this. It is so hard."

Kaien Shiba…you've heard that name before. He was someone Rukia trained with, a superior of sorts. But if he was just a mentor, why is she so worked up over it? Especially since he is dead?

"For how long are you planning to stay in Soul Society? You don't need that much time to forget a bad memory…" you respond carefully.

"You don't understand!" she cries hysterically, "He wasn't just my mentor….he was….."

"Rukia…" Byakuya's voice interrupts her. "It is time."

"I have to go." she murmurs and turns away from you, walking towards her brother.

You stare at her back completely baffled by her last words. If Shiba wasn't just a mentor, then who was he? And even if there was something more between them, he is dead, buried, gone from existence. And she couldn't so easily forget everything they had together because of some dead guy, could she?

"Don't do this." you beg after her.

She doesn't stop but you know that she heard you.

"Rukia!"

"I'm sorry….Ichigo." she says miserably without turning around. "I never meant to hurt you."

And the next thing you know, you're gazing at an empty space, where the Shinigami stood just a moment ago, after the Senkai gate closes behind them.

A few days pass and whatever hurt you felt turned into anger, but not because she left you for Soul Society. It was never a big deal, she had done it before. It's her second home after all, or first. Shit, you don't even know anymore. But, it's the fact that she made it so final, like you would never see each other again, that made you want to punch holes in the walls. And because of what?

You never thought the day would come. You always kind of believed that you and her would be together forever in a relationship that you yourself could not identify. She was a friend, or was she? Inoue was also your friend, and so was Tatsuki, but Rukia wasn't like them. She was different, a lot more, even though you weren't at that stage…yet. And it hurt so fucking much when she left, especially because of another guy, and a dead bastard for that matter!

When you rushed to Hueco Mundo to save Inoue, Rukia scolded you and reminded you that you two were friends. And not just friends, but comrades in arms! She herself made you believe that you were important to her. And now, after the encounter with someone who resembled a person she used to know, she suddenly decided to bail on a relationship that she herself pursued. You weren't the only one who wanted this, dammit!

If you were just like any other friend, one of many, then why did she drop everything and hurry back from Soul Society to help you? Why did she concentrate all of her time and effort on you? Why did she come to Hueco Mundo and chided you about not waiting for her? Why did she…? Shit…you hate her so fucking much right now!

Angry beyond belief, you feel like shaking the lights out of her until she comes back to her senses. And for her sake, you hope not to see her until you cool down a bit. But then, a strange thought occurs to you and you wonder if you are overacting. So what if she came to help you? That's what friends are for. It's not like she ever made any promises to you. It's not like she ever said that she would live with you indefinitely and prioritize you over everyone else. You, yes you, are the idiot who made that assumption despite what was really said and done. And Rukia certainly never swore to be yours forever and never love anyone else. Love…what...the…fuck!

The thought irritates you even more and you slam the door as soon as you exit your room. No fucking way! You will not accept it, not for a woman who pissed on your entire relationship and left you for a corpse. Who is that Shiba asshole?

Half an hour later you stand in front of Urahara's shop clutching your fists to your sides. He should know something about this. He always knows something, like a frigging encyclopedia that catalogues the past, present, and future of the whole of Soul Society and its inhabitants. Everyone always knows something when you know nothing and it pisses you off.

"Urahara!" you walk in without bothering to knock. In your current mood you can care less for good manners, and it's not like you ever had any in the first place.

There is some rustling in the back until Urahara finally emerges to greet you.

"Welcome, welcome, Kurosaki-san!" he says cheerfully, "What brings you here?"

You look at him through the long bangs covering your eyes. Damn, you should've cut your hair after the return from Hueco Mundo. It grew too long and you're still not used to it. But who cares now? After Rukia left, your brain stopped functioning properly and you have been obsessing about one thing ever since.

"Who is Kaien Shiba?" you ask evenly, not wasting any time on pleasantries.

Urahara's smile disappears and he cocks a brow at your question.

"You mean, who was Kaien Shiba?"

"Was, is, whatever, I don't give a shit!" you spit out, aggravated, "Tell me about him and his connection to Rukia!"

"I'm sorry, Kurosaki-san." Urahara shakes his head apologetically, "But I am really not the best person to talk to about this. Perhaps if you spoke to Captain Ukitake or Kuchiki Byakuya…."

"Just tell me whatever you know…" you interrupt him impatiently.

Pause.

"Very well." he responds motioning to a chair by the table. "Please, sit down."

You comply, watching him sit across from you.

"Where to start…where to start…." he mutters thoughtfully, "I only know this from a second party, not from the source itself, so the information might not be entirely accurate."

You look at him in silent anticipation feeling the last bit of patience slowly seeping out. If he doesn't speak right now, you swear you'll….

"Alright," Urahara finally draws out, "Kaien Shiba was Ukitake's lieutenant in the 13th division. From what I've heard, he was a very honorable and ethical man, admired by many."

Great, a guy with a personality and a noble reputation….

"And what of him and Rukia?" you ask.

"He trained Kuchiki-san in swordsmanship. And it seems they became very close friends."

Silence.

"How close?"

Urahara studies you for a moment before answering. "I am not sure. Perhaps you should ask her instead. All I know is that she suffered a great deal after he died."

So, Kaien was a good friend of hers who taught her how to fight, and that's it? There has to be more to the story than this. What if….

"There is something else." Urahara interrupts your thoughts, "They say that you look a lot like him."

Shit.

You lean back in the chair as an ugly and irrational thought runs through your head. She couldn't have, could she? No frigging WAY… She couldn't have!

"Kurosaki-san, if you really like the girl…"

"No." you warn him, "I don't wanna hear any of that."

If she became friends with you only because you reminded her of him….fuck! God, how you hate her right now!

"I don't think Kuchiki-san got close to you because you look like Kaien." you hear Urahara's quiet voice. "If that is what you're thinking."

"I don't know what I'm thinking." you murmur back, not so much to him but to yourself.

You really don't know what to think anymore. Your head is a mess, your chest is hurting. What if everything that had happened between you and her was a lie? Giving you the power, crying when you were lying at her brother's feet before he took her to Soul Society, yelling at you for coming to rescue her, giving you that speech about how you were in her heart, what if all of that was because she saw Kaien in you, while you, like a goddamn fool….. while you…..shit…..

Enough of this crap. You're done wondering.

"Open a Senkai gate." you get up slamming your palms on the table.

Urahara blinks in confusion until he finally understands the meaning behind your words.

"Kurosaki-san, it's not as easy as you think. I'll need some time before…"

"How much time?"

"Two hours minimum…"

You run a hand through your hair in frustration. "Fine! I'll be back in two hours, but no more than that."

Two hours later you stand in Urahara's basement fully dressed in your Shinigami uniform, Zangetsu blazing on your back, ready to get to the other side and face your demons. There's really no reason for all this flashy get-up since you have no intention to fight, but old habits die hard. Kon is scratching his head next to you, yapping about some crap that you aren't interested in, until he properly shuts up as soon as you give him a resounding glare.

"Stay here and watch my body until I return." you order him.

"But why can't I watch it in your room?" he whines, then stops after another warning scowl.

Normally, you would indulge him in an argument, even kick him a little, but right now you can care less for those dumb games.

"Ok, Kurosaki-san," Urahara's voice reaches you, "I'm just about finished."

You don't say anything and look at the portal. And in a few seconds a flash momentarily blinds you, and then you see bright liquid matter form in the middle of it. It's finally ready.

"You won't have to travel through the tunnel between dimensions this time, like you did when you first went to Soul Society. Since you aren't enemies any more, you will be transported straight to Seireitei." Urahara speaks, now standing in front of you, "And I trust you know it well enough to find what you're looking for on your own."

You nod and take a step towards the entry way.

"I hope everything gets resolved for you, Kurosaki-san."

But you don't hear him anymore, wordlessly jumping and disappearing through the gate.