A/N: Heh. I haven't written a Gakuen Alice fanfic in ages, especially not a funny one (apart from on Mugi's account). So I thought, "Hey, I REALLY need to do this," and so this wonderful (?) piece of writing was born (again, ?). So congratulate me. Please do ^^ And don't forget to review! :D Do it for Kitsu, will ya?

Narumi told us to write this essay as a diary or journal because he wanted us to express our feelings, or some physiological crap like that. I don't really get it. Why should we open up to a moron like him?

So now I, Kitsuneme the Great, will tell the typical story of when life got interesting around Alice Academy. And I don't care if it's insulting or doesn't make sense. It's my essay, so there. Hah.

I have to point out a couple of things first. I use LOTS of brackets, mainly because I forget to add in details and just stick them in anywhere. But it's my writing, so don't even think about lowering my grade because of it. I can take up my own style. I'm definitely going to be an author one day, and when I'm super ultra mega famous and the press are asking me about when I first got interested in writing, I'll just hand them this crummy essay and let them have a catfight over it.

But anyway, back to my story.

So basically, the day started off as normal. Really normal, in fact. Just a typical day. We had lessons (which Luca-Pyon and Natsume skipped), me and Koko teased Curly Permy to the point where she grabbed us by our collars and threatened to slash our throats, Natsume tried to escape the school again, and it was all as peaceful as life has ever been.

THEN.

Then, after lunch, when we were making paper planes to throw at the supply teacher and contently living our ordinary lives, SHE walked into the room. Mikan Sakura, the only reason that Permy hasn't murdered us already (she had found a new target). She looked completely bewildered because I was flying around and talking to Inchou like it was totally normal (which, after spending years at Alice Academy, it pretty much was).

And the whole time I was talking to Inchou, I was secretly thinking "Maaaaan, wonder whether she'll become a Permy wannabe". And "I sure hope not, one Permy's bad enough, two Permy's (Wakako Usami, the megabitch who hangs around Curly just to be popular) sometimes gives me the urge not to live, and three Permy's…" I can't even write it. My hand is crying.

Then I sat down next to Koko and pointed her out, and he started saying the same things I was thinking loud enough for Permy and Wakako-lacko to hear (this resulted in her banging our heads together), and the next thing I knew Mikan was sat down next to Natsume and yelling ear abuse about how he was a mega perv who had ripped off her underwear without removing her skirt (which, I have to say, is serious skill).

Then Mochu decided to stick his bald, bald head into their business and lifted her up in the air (I saw a striking view of her panties - polka-dots; no wonder Natsume had to tear them off, they were making my eyes bleed profusely).

Inchou was moaning about how they were going to get into trouble and was acting like a goody-goody two-shoes, and Hotaru, Mikan's BEST FRIEND, didn't say a thing. Figures.

So basically once that happened, Mikan and Permy started having this ultra-bitch smack down, and Permy was pretty much speaking a bunch of crap to Mikan which was obviously making Mikan feel like some sort of ant.

Next thing I knew, Mikan was yelling freakish jibber about Permy being the biggest idiot she'd ever met (which is highly true, and I congratulate Mikan for catching on so fast). And then Hotaru smacked Mochu round his bald, bald head with one of her creepy hoof gloves, which sent him flying into the wall.

Then, after things had cooled down a bit, Natsume sent Mikan on an impossible quest to go through the north woods, and things were going quite boringly smooth until Mochu marched in and announced that they'd kidnapped Luca-Pyon (again, I highly congratulate Mikan. I bet they wanted to huggle each other SO BAD). So Natsume went to the north woods in a rage, and as far as I know, he almost killed Inchou, trapped both him and Hotaru in flames, and was THIS close to burning Mikan to a crisp (thank god for the nullification alice). And then Narumi did the creepiest thing. He KISSED Natsume's forehead. ONLY COUPLES DO THAT!

Well, that's what I heard, anyway. I can't be sure until I ask someone who was there, but:

A) I can't ask Narumi because I'm quite frankly too afraid to be near him if the answer's yes.

B) I can't ask Mikan because she refused to give any details about the whole thing (I bet she'd probably been kissed by Narumi too).

C) If I asked Hotaru I'd have to give a price before she'd squeal (not that I can imagine her ever squealing).

D) If I asked Natsume he wouldn't remember the whole thing, and besides, he would be outraged that I would even bother asking him about such a mind-scarring experience.

E) If I asked Luca-Pyon he'd probably say the same thing as Mikan (bless, they're MADE for each other!).

F) Inchou was too traumatised to notice such a perverted detail.

So that's when life got interesting. Before that, the most exciting thing that happened here was if Permy forgot to perm her hair one day (it's like Christmas - only comes around every so often). Now we're dealing with a psychobitch Luna Koizumi.

Her wart disgusts me. I mean, it's huge, black, and hideous. I've often thought the same about Permy, but I actually think Permy's face is much more proportionate. Besides, she uses anti-blemish cream to get rid of any warts that happen to pop up, unlike Koizumi.

I even heard she made Mikan cry. Now, Mikan is a part of our big friendship group at Alice Academy, so naturally, we all want that bitch to burn in hell. Why doesn't Natsume just bake her in a pie already? (Oh wait - that's Anna's job.)

I've come to a shocking realisation that if Mikan had never come here, me and Koko might've actually gotten BORED of insulting Curly. Then we'd turn dreary and boring too, and we'd become accountants or something.

Nowadays, Koko wants to work in an ice-cream van.

And I want to be a famous billionaire author, but I've said that already.

Kitsuneme the Great, that'll be my title. Each one of my books will have Kitsuneme the Great written in block-print at the bottom. How classy is that? VERY.

I should make joke books. Here's a good joke. What's curly, green, and spindly? Curly's perm, of course! Hah!

… Okay, so that wasn't my best joke. I can get better. I can write romance too.

"Oh, Mochu… Will you be my valentine?" asked Curly, staring up at him with eyes glazed over with emotion. His lips parted slightly, and he lifted his hand to wipe away a tear that rolled down her cheek elegantly.

"Only if I can tell the world," he whispered huskily, moving his face closer to hers. And then, they shared their first and most rewarding kiss.

Or I can do action! Okay, I'm REALLY good at action… Fine. Action with a tad of drama in too.

All of a sudden, the cave burst into flames at the first touch of the jewel Curly had laid eyes on. She gasped in horror.

"Oh, Mochu, my companion! We have to escape!" she called, tearing through the slowly collapsing cave. He followed suit, choking on hair product fumes. As he wiped traces of spittle from his mouth, he tripped over an inconveniently placed rock, and fell to the stone floor.

"Leave me, Curly!" he shouted dramatically, his face scrunched up in pain as flames caused by their arch nemesis, Natsume Hyuuga, licked up his trouser leg.

"NOOOOOO! MOCHU! WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS!" Curly yelled, reaching out to grab his hand. He shook his head, taking his last dying breaths.

"Curly… your perm has… always made me think you're… attractive…" his breathing slowed to a halt, and Curly began to cry.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOCHU! WE WERE MEANT TO SAVE THE WORLD TOGETHER!" she screamed, clawing at the ground. Natsume Hyuuga laughed diabolically.

"You will never stop me from burning down all the alice stones now, Curly Permy!" he yelled.

… That's enough of the action. I can also do shoujo.

"PERM… POWER!" she yelled, transforming into a fire-breathing dragon in the form of a young and flat-chested girl.

"Oh crap! You're… The princess of the Perms! SAILOR PERMY!" the evil Natsume Hyuuga yelled, raising his stumpy eyebrows in horror. She stood in a strikingly creative pose and then snapped a perm off.

"Perm SWORD!" She then proceeded to stab him several times in a place that evil stumpy-eyebrowed men should never be stabbed.

"Noooo… My children…" he moaned, slumping to the ground. Permy then used her fire-breathing skills to melt the rock he was standing on, causing him to receive a second-degree burn as well as sinking into the rock.

"CURSE YOU, SAILOR PERMY!" His final words were swallowed by the closing of the rock.

… Heh. I'd be an AWESOME anime writer. But Curly or Natsume better not find it. If they ever read these, I'd be burned and stabbed with perms. That would kinda ruin picture day.

Oh damn. I just realised. Perm has the cat-doggie alice, right? She could become another Cat Woman. Or a MEW MEW! Heh.

"Come on, Natsume! The whole of Alice Academy is counting on us!" cried Curly, sticking out her non-existent boobs in an attempt to spice up their lives. Natsume pretended not to notice.

"Come on. The other Mews are already up in the ESP's office, and we're running late. As the leaders, it is our job to save the day! Forget about the other characters, they're only there to look gooooood."

Following his advice and his flowing hair, Curly picked up her transforma-thingy and shouted in her girliest voice,

"MEW MEW PERMY! METAMORPHOSIS!" She popped out a pair of cat ears, whiskers, a tail, and her perm grew accordingly. And for some reason this made her a superhero, but we'll leave that piece of logic up to the readers.

Natsume put on a cat mask and he suddenly became a very small black cat.

"Natsume, what is going on!" Permy asked. "You've taken the form of a cat!"

"I am Soprano, the magic talking cat," he said nobly. "At least, that's my alter-ego. Now I command you carry me!"

"Anything you desire, Soprano," she giggled, blushing. This was further than Mew Mew Mikan had ever gotten!

When they reached the ESP's office, Soprano jumped out of Mew Permy's arms and knocked on the door with one paw.

"Come in!" called their arch nemesis, the Elementary School Principal.

"Open the door," commanded Soprano. Mew Permy did as she was told. Ah, this makes me feel like Soprano's slave or something, Mew Permy thought dreamily.

The second they opened the door, a small child in a black cape greeted them with a creepy smile.

"Come forward, Mew Permy," he ordered. "Leave the mog outside."

"How ruwed! I am Soprano, the magical talking cat! I am also a scientist! And a billionaire! And the owner of a café! And a student! Now who are you calling a mog?"

"Still you," the ESP said with yet another curling lip. "Anyway, enough with this! I will take you down, Mew Permy!"

"That's my line, you slimy freak!" Mew Permy battle-cried, pulling out a lipstick from god-knows where. "Ribbon! Permy! Slick!"

At once the ESP was attacked by a spritz of lipstick goo, thus weakening his powers.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How could you, a mere weakling mew mew, defeat me, the greatest villain of all time?" he spluttered, falling to the floor in agony. She put her hands on her hips.

"Four words, you squiggly moron! The power of love!"

THE END

See? I can write the best of the best. Pretty cool, right? So one day, when I'm a best-selling author, I can just sit back, relax, smile for all the millions of cameras taking my pictures to post in magazines, and just carry on spouting out these awesome little stories. I know! I'll make light novels.

Problem solved. Now, you'll probably write at the bottom of the page, "very rambly and long, doesn't make much sense, has nothing to do with your feelings," but I don't actually care about what your scrawly handwriting has to offer (I'm totally not a bad person by saying this. I am furious that anyone would think that because of how awesome I have been to everyone. So if you think that about me then fine, I'll just beat your ass until you can't even sit on it anymore). I am a unique person, and I think everyone should respect that.

So this is the conclusion to my awesome essay-diary-journal (for now, anyway. I hope that this homework doesn't crop up again). I personally think that I should get at LEAST an A for this beautiful piece of work. You should definitely give me a grade I'll be proud to show off. Because seriously. You'll NEVER see me hand in a piece of homework again, so you'd better savour this.

Your's truly,

Kitsuneme =)

A/N: Aaaaaaaaaand, thank you very much for reading! Don't forget to leave a review or something :-]

I had plenty of fun with this, so if anyone wants a sequel or wants any story requests, I can do that! :D