Was in the mood for some parody. I should be reading about legal research. But making fun of our friend Mary Sue is so much more fun.

It was a dark and stormy night and Maria Susana walked the darkened streets of New York City. She had recently been orphaned and now she wandered the streets aimlessly. She was destitute. She had no money. She had no idea where her next meal would come from. She was wearing a light blue mini skirt, brown stilettos, a pink tank top that showed off her perfectly shaped shoulders, and silver bangles. Her silky auburn hair fluttered in the humid night air.

She was headed back to the home she had made in an abandoned building. She had no belongings. Nothing in the world. Only her curling iron and complete summer wardrobe. She was quickly running out of eye liner and wondered if she should get a job.

But what kind of job could she get? A person like her? Hated by everyone just because she was different. Maria Susana was an elemental. She could summon the wind. Actually, she could only conjure the wind when she was angry. And she was angry a lot. So most people didn't like to be around her. Just because she was pretty and tended to blow people out of windows when she lost board games.

Her heels clicked on the pavement as she looked hungrily inside one of the storefront windows. She's been living off the food she'd been stealing out of dumpsters behind six star restaurants. They were so good that another category had recently been invented for them. Rich people were notoriously wasteful and she would not have considered eating anything with transfats, like fast food. Even if it was free. She needed to keep her figure.

But then her pulse raced as she noticed footsteps behind her. Footsteps on a New York street could only mean one thing. Gang rape! No honorable citizen walked the streets past 8pm in this city.

So she did the only reasonable thing. She ducked into a dark alley, hoping that he might be afraid of the dark and wouldn't follow her. She briefly considered ducking into a brightly lit and busy store, but one glance at the rapists following her told her that she wouldn't want to be caught dead with them in public.

Luckily for her, she also happened to be a trained ninja. She attacked one of the rapists with an impressive display of ninjitsu. She had been raised in Spain by the elderly Lord Caterwaul, the last of the line of Shaolin monks estranged from their native lands. They took refuge in Madrid, disguised as organ grinders and trained young orphans in Shaolin, conveniently forgetting that Shaolin and ninjitsu are not the same thing. You fight with your hands and your feet, so that makes you a ninja, in the tradition of the New World Shaolin.

Maria Susana was overwhelmed by horny rapists and one of them knocked her over the head with a trash can lid.

Even though the heroine was unconscious and the preceding paragraphs were written in third person close and so the story should have transitioned to the point when she woke up, Raphael Hamato jumped off of the neighboring building. He was accompanied by his brothers, who weren't the main love interests in this story, so they only stood in the background and watched.

Raphael kicked some of them and stabbed a few with his sais and looked very cool and manly. Then the rest of the rapists ran away. Donatello ran to Maria Susana's side. He checked her pulse as she lay on the pavement, looking quite good for somebody who was just in a ninja fight with a bunch of rapists and then knocked out.

As Raph looked upon Maria Susana's beautiful and lifeless form, he felt stirrings inside himself that he had never felt before. "I'm never eating Mexican food again," he said to Leo as he rubbed his upset stomach.

"Is she okay?" Mikey said, as he stood there looking cute and thinking up a lame joke. That was all he was capable of doing and so he made sure to do it a lot.

"I'm not sure," Don said. "Even though I have extensive medical knowledge and I could probably be board certified as a surgeon in the state of New York and I know how to do practically everything, I won't be able to tell until I get her back to the lab. I'd call an ambulance, but what if she doesn't have health insurance?"

Leo sheathed his katana, looking heroic. He liked to do that when he thought that the emphasis had been drawn too far away from him. "We need to get her to the lair."

Raphael picked her up in a bridal carry. He felt the foreshadowing in that sentence and threw her to the ground.

"What did you just do?" Leonardo said. "I'll carry her."

But Raphael felt that it was his right alone to have his three fingered hands on her delicate body. He found her strangely attractive for a mammal with incompatible DNA and differing chromosomes. Raph picked her up again and carried her to the nearest manhole.

Mikey followed him, batting his eyes. He was incapable of thinking of a joke so stupid that it needed to be mentioned. "Let's get some pizza," he said, realizing that he hadn't mentioned it for at least five minutes.

"My clothes," Maria Susana muttered in her sleep. Then she realized that she was conscious enough for the point of view to return to her and she decided to make a few observations before she passed out again. She was being carried in a pair of green, masculine arms. He smelled like motor oil and cheap barbecue potato chips.

"Don't worry," said a deep Brooklyn accent. "We'll get you patched up."

She would have carried on longer about his sexy accent, scars, smell or some other attribute, but thankfully she passed out again.