Summary: A collection of humorous Naruto short stories. 05: Kiri has been trying to get their hands on an Uzumaki since before Whirlpool was founded and now they have their chance.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the affiliated people, objects, jutsus, summons, or inventions. They are being used here for non-profit purposes and purely for fun.

==o0o==

Tips and Tricks

By Moirae Ma'at

==o0o==

Crimson Currents

"Hey… You eyebrowless freak…" Naruto said as blood dripped from his mouth. "Put this in your Bingo Book. The shinobi who will one day become Hokage…"

The blonde slowly raised his headband and firmly tied it in place as he glared at Zabuza.

"Uzumaki Naruto!"

The Kiri shinobi frowned at the proclamation and took a closer look at the kid. The Konoha genin had blonde hair and blue eyes when most Uzumaki had hair the crimson of blood and vibrant eyes that shaded from brilliant gold to glowing green, but the kid had claimed the name and no one refuted him.

If anyone from the Leaf group had Uzumaki blood in them, he would have guessed it to be the pink-haired girl, but she lacked the fire inherent to the Uzumaki bloodline. Zabuza had never seen any Uzumaki – including a three-year old girl who had armed herself with a sharpened paintbrush at one point – give up without a fight like the Konoha kunoichi had encouraged the blonde to do. The determination that got the blonde back his forehead protector was pure Uzumaki and that meant that Zabuza was one lucky bastard; Mist offered quite the reward for an Uzumaki.

He couldn't knock the kid out and make off with him without releasing the Copy Ninja and there was no way that the jounin would let him kidnap the blonde without causing trouble. And that wasn't even counting the trouble the Uzumaki would cause on his own once Zabuza was on his way to Kiri.

The missing nin hated running from a fight, but that seemed to be his best option. The Leaf shinobi knew nothing about Haku right now, but he would likely lose that advantage soon after the jounin escaped from his water prison; if Haku remained a secret, then retrieving the Uzumaki would be a lot easier on all accounts. And it wasn't like the blonde would hard to find if he was guarding the bridge builder…

Zabuza, his clone, and the water prison around Kakashi disappeared just as Naruto mentioned "going wild" against the Kiri shinobi. The jounin caught himself on the water using his chakra and all four ninja looked around cautiously to determine where the bandage-wrapped man had disappeared to.

"We so would have won," Naruto said with a frown after Kakashi signaled the all-clear.

"He'll be back, Naruto," Kakashi said as he patted the blonde's spiky hair. "He's under contract to kill Tazuna and Zabuza has never been known for going back on his word, even as a missing nin. Kill the person who hired him, yes, but only once the contract had been completed."

"That's real comforting," Sakura said with a frown. She most certainly did not want to face the missing nin again in any capacity and Kakashi made it sound inevitable that they were going fight again.

"Don't worry about it," the jounin said as his eyes curved into happy upside-down crescents. "You'll be training while we wait."

.~.~.~.

Haku followed Zabuza back to Gatou's hideout and waited until she knew they were alone before asking Zabuza-sama why he had left the fight.

"That kid is an Uzumaki, Haku, and that means he's Kiri's one and only 'get out of jail free' card. If we come back with that kid then we'll be forgiven everything. Mist has been trying to get their hands on Uzumaki since time immemorial and I think the kid's the only one left. Supposedly they were all killed thirty or forty years ago, but somebody obviously missed one of the kid's parents, and, well, given the fact he's from Konoha, the kid's parents are probably dead if he's wearing that much orange on a combat mission. Pity he doesn't have Kanotomi Fudo."

"Zabuza-sama?"

"Do you know why the Seven Swordsman of the Mist were formed Haku?"

"No Zabuza-sama."

"They were formed for one reason only: to attract the attention of an Uzumaki. That Clan is famous for their containment seals and ability to control water, fire, and wind. The majority of the sealing arts are most likely lost because the kid doesn't have even one of the Uzumaki protection amulets, but I would bet one of your ancestors married an Uzumaki at one time or another and it resulted in your kekkei genkai.

"Only one Uzumaki in a generation could ever control all three elements and they inherited the sword Kanotomi Fudo from their predecessor before taking over the Clan. The Seven Swordsman each use a sword that imitates some aspect of Kanotomi Fudo; my Kubikiribōchō imitates the sword's ability to continually reform itself from blood. One of the other Swordsmen has a sword called Samehada that sucks up any chakra it encounters, although Kanotomi Fudo itself can drain both chakra and blood from an opponent.

"The whole thing was an attempt to suck up to the Uzumaki that only partially worked, as they became friendlier but still refused to marry into any of the Kiri shinobi families. That pissed off the Mizukage and he started undermining Uzu; the man eventually found a way to destroy the village and ended up taking out most of the Uzumaki in the process. I heard the idiot was pissed off for months afterwards and the only reason –"

Gatou's sudden entrance into the room with two bodyguards made Zabuza pause and the greedy businessman took it as permission to start berating the two missing nin.

"The 'Demon of the Mist' is a coward that runs away from children; how pathetic. You couldn't even manage to kill a stupid old man –"

"You will keep your dirty tongue from slandering Zabuza-sama," Haku interrupted with a cold smile as she killed Gatou's samurai bodyguards, "or I will remove it for you. Permanently."

.~.~.~.

Zabuza and Haku cautiously approached the bridge staging area, taking extra care to suppress their chakra and remain hidden behind various pieces of scenery. They finally stopped at a point where they could see the Konoha genin climbing trees supervised by their jounin-sensei.

The blonde charged a tree at the edge of the staging area in an attempt to climb it, but the moment his foot touched the bark a loud crack echoed throughout the area and the Uzumaki went flying backwards. The tree, on the other hand, broke at the base where Naruto's chakra had impacted and began to fall towards the partially-completed bridge.

Kakashi rushed through a series of hand seals and a spike of earth pierced straight through the falling tree and stopped it before it could crash into the staging area or the bridge itself. The jounin cocked an eyebrow at the blonde and Naruto simply smiled nervously in return.

"You're going to practice somewhere you can't break the bridge," Kakashi said as his eyes curved into a smile. "Down there." The jounin pointed past the edge of the bridge. "On the water."

The blonde shrugged his acceptance and haphazardly made his way to the bottom of the cliff. He couldn't really break anything down here besides dirt and there wasn't much damage he could do when the rocks were that massive. Naruto pushed his chakra down to his feet and stepped out on the water. He wobbled for a minute before the water firmed up under his feet and it felt like he was walking on solid ground again.

Zabuza and Haku moved to a place where they could watch the blonde easier. The elder missing nin frowned; it would be easier to kidnap the kid down here, but the blonde would no doubt cause quite a ruckus and he wasn't really looking forward to taking on Sharingan no Kakashi in addition to an Uzumaki.

Naruto explored the strait for a little bit by wandering around on the water before jumping up. When he landed, his feet sunk down into the water a little bit, but it quickly firmed and became almost solid once again. The blonde spent some time practicing various moves on the water before Sasuke and Sakura suddenly appeared at the edge of the water. Evidently the two had progressed past tree-walking – or Sasuke had badgered Kakashi into letting him prove he was better than Naruto – and were ready to practice on water.

The Uzumaki cocked his head curiously and wondered what was happening on the bridge, utterly oblivious as the chakra-infused water curled to form stairs to the top of the cliff. The blonde looked at the construct suspiciously before shrugging and climbing the stairs to take a peek at the bridge staging area.

Zabuza smirked and had to muffle his laughter when the water of the stairs formed a mouth and snapped at Sasuke's foot as the Uchiha tried to climb the stairs behind the blonde. "Definitely an Uzumaki."

The pink thing immediately started yelling at Naruto and the bottom of the stairs roiled in reaction to her words, but the moment the Uchiha tried to climb the stairs again, part of the chakra-saturated water formed a series of sharp strands that darted towards the two genin. Sakura and Sasuke barely managed to dodge the razor-sharp filaments and quickly backed away from the swirling strands.

Naruto evidently satisfied his curiosity, because he ventured back down the stairs and watched as the water curled around him happily.

"You're not related to Fluffy, are you?" the blonde asked as he stared at the strands accusingly. Water wasn't supposed to move like that. "He causes enough trouble without any extra help."

Zabuza frowned at the Uzumaki's words and motioned for Haku to follow him back to their base. It was pretty clear that he wasn't going to be able to kidnap the kid now, so he'd have to inform Haku of the new plan as soon as he was sure no one would be able to eavesdrop on them.

"Haku, I want you to sleep with the blonde. If we can't kidnap him, then at least we can get a kid from him as Plan B. Mist'll be happy enough with that and the information that an Uzumaki's alive to let us come back without any problems. It would help that you'd be the mother of the child, which would mean they'd happily ignore the fact that you killed Mist shinobi in favor of the fact you're providing an Uzumaki heir for Kiri."

"Yes Zabuza-sama."

"And make sure he doesn't know who you are."

"Yes Zabuza-sama."

.~.~.~.

"You haven't slept with him yet, have you?"

"No Zabuza-sama."

"Good. The blonde spammed a bridge with clones to protect a village he only visited once; I'd hate to see what he'd be capable of in a few years if he found out a kid of his was 'kidnapped.' I don't think Kiri would be left standing and I know we'd be among the first killed. We've only got one choice if we want that pardon."

"Zabuza-sama?"

"We're going back to Konoha with that kid to convince him to move to Kiri. You are friends with him, aren't you Haku?"

"Yes Zabuza-sama. He seemed to purposefully ignore any type of romantic overture I made earlier and you've had me spend quite a bit of time with him."

"And?"

"I think he thinks of you as friend because you're my 'friend' and I'm his friend," Haku explained with a delicate frown. "He says he refuses to judge people based on fights; it's the attitude after you're done fighting that matters to him and he thinks you have to be somewhat nice because I think of you as a friend."

"You spent the whole time talking about me, didn't you?"

"Not all of it; we discussed precious people almost as much as I talked about you."

"That doesn't count Haku and you know it. I am your 'precious person,' so you really did spend the whole time talking about me."

"Naruto-kun talked much more than I did, Zabuza-sama."

"But you only talked about me," the Kiri missing-nin pointed out. "No wonder he didn't accept any overtures; he probably thought you were in love with me."

"You are my most precious person, Zabuza-sama."

"I know, Haku, I know," the Mist shinobi said as he waved a hand dismissively at his apprentice.

"…but Naruto is slowly becoming precious to me as well," the girl continued slowly.

Zabuza looked up sharply at that comment. "Are you a 'precious person' to him as well?"

"I believe he considers all his friends to be 'precious people' and he has declared us to be friends several times since we first met."

"The he also considers me to be a 'precious person' because I'm your 'friend?'"

"I believe so."

"Then let's go visit our new traveling partners," Zabuza said with a wide smile. "Come Haku."

"Yes Zabuza-sama."

.~.~.~.

Zabuza could feel several Konoha shinobi eyeing his sword and scratched forehead protector suspiciously as he walked with Team 7 down the streets of Konohagakure, although the citizens seemed to be glaring at Naruto instead of him. Well, that would make their job easier; if the people didn't like the Uzumaki then it shouldn't be too hard to get the kid to move to Kiri. The kid's list of 'precious people' was pretty small according to Haku, so hopefully they could persuade a few of them to move with the Uzumaki or convince the kid that he could visit Konoha whenever he wanted if Kiri wasn't at war with the village.

A few constant chakra signatures blatantly followed the group all the way to the Hokage Tower and distributed themselves throughout the building as Team 7 and company made their way up to the top floor and the Hokage's office. The blonde practically bounced up the stairs and Zabuza eyed the kid warily. The boy had been hyper enough about having a new friend in Haku on the way back from Wave, but this was even more extreme and the swordsman wasn't sure what could cause such excitement in the Uzumaki when they were simply going to see the village kage.

"Jii-jii, we've got guests!" Naruto trumpeted as he flung a set of doors open after brushing past an annoyed secretary and the two amused ANBU at the door. Team 7 followed behind the blonde, Kakashi making sure that both Zabuza and Haku entered the room before him.

"Hello Naruto. Kakashi, Sasuke, Sakura," The Hokage added with a nod. "And these would be?"

"These are my friends Haku-chan and Bandages. They're from Mist," Naruto volunteered cheerfully, "or well, they were, but evidently Bandages tried to off the Mizukage – has that every happened to you jii-chan? – and Haku's parents had some personal issues so she ended up with Zabuza sort-of on accident. Can they stay?"

"We'll see, Naruto. Did anything else interesting happen besides meeting your new friends?"

"Well, Fluffy helped out for a little bit at the end, but spent the whole way there complaining about dad and trying to change my hair color again. He's still not happy that dad failed to protect mom despite what Fuzzy calls 'that stupid teleportation trick' – which he offered to teach me because he wants to see the look on 'that furry ape's face' when I use it."

A low "Do it! Do it! Do it!" was whispered from one supposedly empty corner as the Hokage started coughing. Well at least he knew where one ANBU was, Zabuza thought with a silent grimace. Who knew how many of them there were in the room; the swordsman had honestly expected to be in an interrogation room by this time and was sincerely surprised that the Hokage was making small talk with the Uzumaki instead of putting the Kiri traitors in the hands of his interrogation unit.

"Is there anyone the beast does like?" Sasuke muttered as he rubbed the still-healing scar across his eyes. Being near Naruto when he was 'red' was not advisable for the Uchiha; the blonde evidently saw him as an enemy in that state and had tried to burn his eyes with chakra. Maybe he could set the teen off and aim him at Itachi? The blonde could do a lot of damage when he was red…

"He likes my family – well except for dad. And he says he doesn't mind the 'sand rat' or the 'blue furball,' whoever they are, and he really loves the taste of seafood – particularly octopus and seahorses, although I don't think I've ever seen anyone eating one of the tiny things before."

"Well I don't think you'll be seeing the 'blue furball' soon, but I'll see what I can do about the 'sand rat'," the Hokage said with an odd smile as he scribbled a note down on a nearby piece of paper. "Was that all?"

"Oh, and their old employer tried off everyone on the bridge," the blonde added as he waved a hand at Haku and Zabuza. "I think that's everything."

"Kakashi?"

"The bridge is named after him," the silver-haired ninja deadpanned.

"I'll add it to the list," the Hokage said with a sigh as he pulled out a scroll. "Anything else?"

"Standing request on the kid."

The Hokage winced and pulled out a new scroll. "Limit?"

"Once a month. Uzumaki heritage again."

"Well, at least his father's hasn't popped up yet. I'll see what I can do about the schedule, but Naruto's on Tora duty for the next two weeks after such a long unexpected absence. That pushes back the chase and the field exercise, which in turn infringes on the annual memorial and planting of Uzu by the new tenants."

"I get to visit Uzu again? Yatta!" Naruto exclaimed as he punched the air. "That festival rocks!"

"By the Sage," Zabuza swore as everything finally fell into place. "By the Sage of the Six Paths himself, we're lucky we didn't try to kidnap that kid."

"Zabuza-sama?"

"That is a jinchuriki, Haku," Zabuza said lowly as he pointed at the celebrating blonde. "A jinchuriki that calls his kage 'old man' and not only gets away with it but has permission to enter his kage's office whenever he pleases. Kidnapping a random genin orphan wouldn't cause a war, but there would be no way to avoid one if a jinchuriki was kidnapped. And of course he's not just some random jinchuriki, he's the vessel of the Kyuubi and evidently rather important to several groups in the village. And may the Sage help us, he just so happens to be the son of Iwa's Bane and Uzu's Flame; I'm surprised he's not using her sword."

"Kid's a little too hyper to be trusted with Kanotomi Fudo right now," a low voice said from behind them as senbon tickled the back of their necks. "And if you don't want to die, you won't ever repeat what you just told your apprentice."

"Not a problem," Zabuza admitted easily and the shadowy presence behind them immediately disappeared along with the senbon. Evidently there were valid reasons why Konoha was famous for its hunter nin if an ANBU had just snuck up on him unaware and the ANBU were considered the more obvious of the two special forces.

"So," the Sandaime said after Naruto finally quieted down, "what are we going to with our new guests?"

"Can't they just stay with Team 7, jii-jii?"

"We'll see, Naruto. They need to visit T&I first, or I can't let them wander around the village." If the two foreign shinobi passed the interrogation, then he'd stick Kakashi on them to make sure they didn't cause any trouble.

"Puzzles or Hebi-chan?"

"Probably Ibiki, Naruto; Anko is a little too excitable sometimes."

Naruto immediately turned around to dig in his pack and pulled out a scroll that he handed to Zabuza. "Give that to Puzzles when you see him, will ya? Tora duty pretty much means I won't see anyone for two weeks and Puzzles has been trying to get a copy of what Fluffy's been saying for months now."

"Sure, kid, why not," Zabuza said with a shrug as he tucked the scroll into a pocket of his pants. He'd drop it off for the kid and hopefully get in the blonde's good books for it.

"Team Seven, you're dismissed. Kakashi, I expect the written report to be on time tomorrow. Naruto, I'll see you later tonight for ramen like usual," the Hokage said as he waved his shinobi out of the room.

Shortly after Naruto left, a tall man with a Konoha forehead protector was escorted into the room by several ANBU. "Hokage-sama?"

"Naruto came home with some new friends," the Hokage explained. "I assume you know who they are."

"The man is Momochi Zabuza, Kiri missing nin and member of the Seven Swordsmen; the girl I believe is listed as an accessory to Zabuza in the Mist Bingo Books."

"That what I thought," the Hokage said with a sigh. "Well, Zabuza-san, Haku-san, this is Puzzles –"

"This belongs to you then," Zabuza said as he fished out the scroll and tossed it at the man with a scarf over his head.

Ibiki's immediate reaction was to erect a wall in front of himself and the Hokage to prevent the scroll from damaging the kage. The scroll made a hollow 'thunk' as it impacted the wall and fell to the ground.

"It's from Naruto," the Sandaime had to explain to his interrogation expert before Ibiki would lower the wall and pick up the scroll.

"'Fluffy's' ramblings according to Naruto. Enjoy."

Sarutobi stifled a laugh at Zabuza's sarcastic words before finally finishing his introduction. "As I was saying, this is Puzzles, otherwise known as Morino Ibiki, head of Konoha's Torture and Interrogation."

"The kid's got some odd friends," Zabuza muttered as he surrendered his sword to an ANBU. "Anything happens to that and I'll find a way to gut you even if I'm dead."

The masked nin nodded in response and went to help his fellow ANBU remove senbon from their numerous hiding places in Haku's outfit. The girl already had a large pile of senbon sitting next to her and it slowly continued to grow as the ninja found more and more senbon scattered around her form.

"You really can't disarm me completely," Haku said calmly after a few minutes. "I have a kekkei genkai."

"And of course Naruto doesn't even mention that," Sarutobi said with a sigh. "Which one is it?"

"Hyouton."

"Well that changes things; I'll have an offer for you in a couple of hours, but if you both would go with Ibiki, he'll be able to deal with the intake exam and we can work on the paperwork afterwards."

"My sword?"

"You'll get it back after the intake exam," Ibiki stated wryly as he guided the two ninja out of the office. "Once we're sure you're not going to harm anyone in Konoha."

"And by harm," one of the ANBU said and Zabuza could hear the smile in the masked shinobi's voice, "he really means kill –"

"Kidnap –"

"Poison –"

"Crip –"

"You should understand," the interrogator cut in with a hard smile, "Konoha suffers no enemies within her walls. Ever."

.~.~.~.

"Now remember, Naruto-kun, Zabuza-sama said to be careful with Kanotomi Fudo," Haku said with a gentle smile as she walked with Team 7 into the clearing in front of the Forest of Death. The heads of a Mist genin squad jerked up at her words and focused on the group intently. "You don't want to destroy the forest again."

"I'll remember, Haku-chan."

"We'll make sure he does," Saukura assured the medic-nin heartily. She had seen things cut, flayed, smashed, drowned, burned, boiled and frozen by that sword since Naruto started learning to use it under Zabuza's tutelage and she had no desire to see half the forest go up in flames again. It turned out that fire liked Naruto a little too much for some reason that all of the adults avoided explaining and Kanotomi amplified that affiliation into a raging inferno at the slightest suggestion.

Sasuke hadn't liked the fact that Naruto had a higher fire affiliation than he did, but after the first time the blonde set the forest on fire by accident the dark-haired avenger had dropped the subject. The other male had looked at the blaze Naruto had created – that several water dragons from Zabuza and Kakashi had failed to quench – wondering if even the legendary Uchiha black fire would be able to stand up to Kanotomi's fire because he would swear there was a fox in the fire that was roaming around and destroying trees. The image gave him chills because that fox was the same vicious red that Naruto became on occasion and Sasuke had no desire to have his eyes assaulted by that red chakra again; once was more than enough.

.~.~.~.

Orochimaru watched from the sidelines as the blonde Konoha genin fought the Mist shinobi who were interest in his sword. The Uzumaki easily blew them away and ended up shredding a the part of the forest he was standing in as a result. Sawdust rained down on the three Leaf ninja as the bloody Kiri genin slammed into one of the few remaining trees and Naruto searched their opponents for an Earth scroll.

The Snake Sannin took a close look at the way the blonde wielded Kanotomi Fudo and shook his head. There was no doubt that he wanted Sasuke for a host, but there was no way that he was going to attack the wielder of that sword. Kushina had almost frozen his most precious possession off with that thing by accident the first time she sparred with the Yondaime as friends and Orochimaru had tried his best to avoid closing with the crazy redhead ever since. Her blonde offspring had even less control, which, contrary to all reason, meant more damage from Kanotomi Fudo than could normally be expected. The sword was a vicious piece of work without a firm hand to guide it and there was a reason why the Third Mizukage had attacked the Uzumaki at Ushigakure right after current clan head had died and Kushina had yet to receive any formal training in swords at two years of age. It was probably the only way the man had succeeded in wiping out most of the clan.

The blonde brat, on the other hand, clearly knew how to cause massive amounts of damage with Kanotomi and he'd given up trying to block the damn sword after it had almost burned through Kusanagi by accident the one time he'd practiced swordwork within a mile of Kushina. Thick earthen walls could delay the effects until both Kanotomi and her user ran out of chakra, but the Kyuubi container was a virtual battery and Orochimaru would bet that the kid could keep a firestorm raging for days if anyone gave him a reason. The invasion would certainly provide adequate motivation and Orochimaru had no desire to witness the devastation caused by Kanotomi Fudo and a raging Uzumaki Clan Head first-hand; there were valid reasons why such accounts did not exist and the most common result was the death of the observer.

.~.~.~.

Before the Hokage could begin speaking to the genin assembled in the arena at the end of the Second Exam, a Mist jounin appeared on the platform and approached the Sandaime. "Kiri demands the return of the sword called Kanotomi Fudo from Konoha; failure to do so will result in war with Mist."

"I'm sorry, but the sword doesn't belong to Konoha."

"Your genin is the one holding it," the Mist jounin said blandly.

"Yes, well, you see…"

"It's a family heirloom, bastard; back off," Naruto snarled with one hand on Kanotomi's hilt. His teammates immediately started to back away from him carefully and made sure to take their Konoha comrades with them. Sasuke and Sakura had no desire to be at ground-zero for one of Naruto's explosions with that sword; the last time they'd been near, the two of them had been set on fire, flash-frozen, and drowned in a torrent of water while Naruto looked practically untouched by the explosion. Kanotomi would not harm it's bearer under any circumstances, but the blade was rather vicious towards anyone or anything else that happened to be in range.

"I highly doubt that," the Kiri shinobi said with a sneer. "The sword belongs to Kiri."

"I am an Uzumaki," Naruto said and everyone could hear the implied 'idiot' at the end of the sentence. "Kanotomi Fudo is mine by blood."

"Prove it."

"Gladly." And the smile on Naruto's face made the Jounin shiver as he watched the teen draw the blade from its sheath.

Sasuke and Sakura had dived for cover the moment Naruto said the word blood and started to put as many earth walls as possible between them and the blonde. The day Naruto had inherited his mother's sword, Zabuza had told him to drip his blood on the blade to claim it properly before the former Kiri ninja had used shushin to get as far away as possible as fast as possible. The blonde had simply shrugged and slit his hand with a kunai so the blood would drip down onto the sword. The moment Naruto's blood hit the blade, it began to glow and Kakashi barely had time to throw up an earth wall before elemental chakra exploded from Naruto's position. The wall had started to fail immediately, some parts melting in the blistering heat, others breaking off in the battering wind, and yet more parts slumping to the ground due to the water beating against the wall. Kakashi had immediately grabbed his students and used shushin to get all three of them out of the area moments before the wall failed. They had watched from afar with some other shinobi that were interested in the flare of elemental chakra before returning to the area once Kakashi was sure it was safe. They had found Naruto completely untouched in the middle of a seventy-foot circle of devastation; the wall had completely disappeared.

The two genin couldn't leave the ring this time without being disqualified from the Chunin Exams, so they intended to put as much earth between them and Naruto as possible. Sasuke had asked Kakashi for the earth wall jutsu just in case something like that happened again and he'd taught it to Sakura because his elemental affinities were fire and lightning. Thankfully the pinkette's affinity seemed to be earth and the girl was quick at raising walls. The two sheltered the rest of the Konoha ninja in addition to themselves and continued to put up walls even after the group was squished together in a corner.

Up in the stands, Kakashi immediately started to form his own earth barriers as soon as he heard Naruto's declaration. His urgency prodded several other jounin into action and their balcony was quickly well-protected by layers and layers of earth. Shinobi in the stands from both Konoha and other villages looked at the two entrenched groups and started to put up their own walls as fast as possible. Evidently the blonde kid was going to do something extremely destructive if the preparations of the two groups were any guide for the level of damage that was going to occur.

Naruto bared his fangs at the Mist ninja in a parody of a smile before he bit his thumb and let a drop of blood fall onto Kanotomi Fudo. The moment the blood touched the blade, elemental chakra blasted out of Naruto and filled the air around him.

Strands of fire crackled from the sword like lightening and twisted across the arena while threads of boiling water curved through the air and pierced the ground; gales of wind exploded off the blade and ripped nearby objects to shreds and orbs of ice split open the ground before shattering into razor sharp pieces. And Naruto simply stood there with a cherry smile on his face as he completely decimated the arena, remaining utterly untouched due to the thin chakra shield encasing his form.

The Mist jounin that had demanded Kanotomi on behalf of Kiri was caught in the blast radius and screamed as water smashed him to the ground before ice froze him in place. Frostbite set in quickly due to the freezing temperature of the ice before the Kiri ninja was bombarded by fire that melted the ice and gave the jounin second-degree burns. Once he was free, he flailed around trying to put out the fire and failed to avoid the razor-sharp winds that added deep cuts to his repertoire of injuries.

The elemental maelstrom slowly ground to a halt and returned to the sword, but it was several minutes before anyone dared to peak out from behind their defensive walls and see if the barrage was over.

Once the Mist contingent was certain that Kanotomi Fudo had died down, the group played a quick game of janken and the loser shushinned down to pick up their unconscious comrade from in front of Naruto.

"The sword's yours," the jounin said before quickly transporting the injured man and himself out of the arena. There was a reason the Mizukage had attacked once the Uzumaki Clan Head was dead; Kanotomi Fudo was nigh invisible in the hands of the Head and only suicidal idiots challenged the sword's bearer once it was confirmed that they had the right to use it.

Naruto re-sheathed his blade before walking over to a cracked wall of baked earth and tapping it with the scabbard. The wall immediately fell apart and revealed three shinobi with Sand forehead protectors to the blonde's surprised eyes.

"Sorry!" Naruto smiled at them in apology. "Thought you were someone else, Panda," the teen added absently as he walked toward the second earth wall in the arena and repeated his actions.

This time he found the rest of the Konoha genin and waved his scabbard at Sasuke and Sakura in greeting. The two other members of Team 7 sighed in relief at the sight of the sheathed sword and cautiously moved out from behind the wall to see what damage Naruto had caused this time.

.~.~.~.

"Wasn't that Kushina's Kanotomi Fudo?" a Konoha shinobi said as he peered around at the damaged arena from behind his shattered earth walls. He wasn't going to be caught in the open if the Uzumaki decided to unleash that thing again.

"I think so," one of the older jounin said consideringly. "Certainly causes the same kind of damage."

"Then I'm not fighting the kid ever. Sparing once with Kushina was enough to put me off ever going against that blade again."

"I think a lot of people are going to reevaluating their opinion of the kid after this. That sword is absolutely brutal."

"Do you remember that guy who tried to use it when Kushina purposefully dropped it in a spar?"

"You mean the guy who was burned alive on Training Ground 15?"

"Wasn't he an Uchiha?"

"Yeah; the guy thought the Uchiha could control any flame in existence and decided to use Kanotomi Fudo to prove it."

"Didn't Fugaku encourage him to do it?"

"That was everyone's best guess because he was at the fight, but it was never confirmed."

"Why would the guy take a risk like that?"

"Remember, it was before she met Namikaze and someone spread that rumor that she'd date whoever beat her in a fight. I guess the Uchiha wanted Uzumaki blood to strengthen their fire talent," the jounin said with a shrug.

"Wasn't worth it."

"How did Kushina end up with Namikaze anyway?"

"Well, you remember Kushina and ramen, right?"

"That explains where the kid gets it from," someone muttered. "He's a bottomless pit."

"And everyone knows how Namikaze felt about seafood –"

"Gimme, gimme, gimme," someone said and made grabbing hand motions.

"Yeah, exactly like that," the older jounin said with a smile as everyone around him laughed. "So, Ichiraku decided to try out a new flavor of ramen that involved seafood and Namikaze heard about it. Kushina was already there when he arrived, and well, her temper, his mouth… it wasn't a very good first meeting."

"I still remember the spar afterwards. It was before Namikaze got to experimenting and he won it by the skin of his teeth."

"Isn't Kushina the reason that he started to work on speed to begin with?"

"Oh yeah; she kept aiming for his family jewels every time they sparred and he was getting worried because she was getting closer and closer to removing them permanently."

"You don't think…" one of the shinobi said as he looked at Naruto speculatively. The kid had Kushina's facial structure combined blonde hair and blue eyes; it was possible.

"No way in hell," a jounin said flatly. "Kushina stopped spending time with Namikaze at least a year before the Kyuubi attacked."

"I guess not then," the ninja said with a shrug as he leaned back into his seat and ignored the conversation that continued around him as he settled in to think. Kushina had red hair, which was recessive, and Nauto's hair was blonde, which was also recessive; just about the only way for Naruto to have blonde hair was for his father to have had blonde hair as well. Any dark shade of hair would have been passed on to Naruto because it was a dominant gene and the only blondes in the village were the Yamanaka. He'd never seen the redhead near a Yamanaka male and Namikaze did have blonde hair and blue eyes; by the Sage of the Six Paths, it was possible that Naruto was Namikaze's son and if that was true, there were going to be some severely unhappy people in the stands. Someone out there was going to make the connection and it wasn't going to be pretty when they confronted Konoha with the idea.

.~.~.~.

The Sandaime had allowed the Chunin Exams to continue despite the devastation Naruto had caused in the arena and the matches for the next phase of the Exam would occur in one month.

Currently the Hokage was speaking with the Mist jounin that had upset the Uzumaki at the Exams and had summoned Naruto upon the man's request.

"Kiri apologizes for any insult that was offered to you from any Kiri ninja or citizen," the brunette Mist jounin formally told the blonde as soon as the boy entered the room. "I would like to offer a personal apology as well."

"We're good as long as you don't try to touch the sword."

"Of course not, Uzumaki-sama," the Kiri shinobi said with a wince and reached up to rub a new scar. "Kanotomi Fudo is yours beyond all doubt."

"And you'll leave Bandages alone?" the younger male asked with a frown.

"Bandages?"

"Momochi Zabuza," Kakashi said as he dropped a hand on Naruto's head. "He's a Konoha shinobi now."

"Well, I'll have to ask the Mizukage on that one," the brunette hedged. He was going to promise anything in the name of his Kage without permission and there was no way in hell that anyone was going to make him promise an Uzumaki anything he wasn't 100% confident in. "My Kage asked me to extend an offer of Kiri citizenship to you."

"Dual citizenship, of course," the Mist jounin added quickly when he saw the glares that Kakashi and the Sandaime were aiming at him. "Registration with Kiri as a shinobi would be no problem if you wanted to stay active in the village."

"Do Kiri kids still have to ki–" Naruto started to say when he was interrupted.

"Why don't you think about it and get back to the Mizukage later, Naruto?" the Hokage interjected as he subtly separated the jinchuriki from the foreign shinobi. Konoha did not need an international incident with Kiri and, Uzumaki or no, Naruto would have caused one if he'd finished that sentence. "You can drop by my office next week with an answer and we'll send a messenger hawk."

"I can wait for his answer," the Kiri ninja tried to suggest; it would certainly give him more time to persuade the boy.

"Hokage-sama said he will send a hawk," Gai interjected from where he was standing to the right of Kakashi, "and our glorious Hokage would not betray his flames of youth! If you do not receive the hawk within five days I swear I will climb the Hokage Monument with my tongue! If I cannot do that –"

"Whatever's easiest jii-jii," the teen said as he eyed the beginnings of Gai's sunset and decided to leave the Hokage's office by jumping out the window. Super-brow's not-genjutsu was creepy at the best of times and he really didn't want to be around for the rather epic one that seemed to be forming behind the jounin.

As soon as Naruto was gone, all pretenses dropped from the Konoha shinobi in the room and the sunset forming behind the spandex-clad man abruptly ceased to exist.

"You can tell your Mizukage that Naruto will not be moving to Kiri," the Sandaime said as he sat down behind his desk. "Not now, not ever."

"With all respect, Hokage, that is Uzumaki-sama's choice, not yours."

"He won't go," one of the Jounin commented as he lit a new cigarette from his old one. "The kid's got family here and he's not leaving them for anything."

"Any Uzumaki would be welcomed in Kiri with open arms."

"Didn't say it was blood family," Asuma said before taking a long drag from his cigarette and blowing the smoke in the Mist shinobi's direction.

"I'm sure the Mizukage would have no problem if Uzumaki-sama decided to bring some of his family with him to Kiri."

"I don't think you understand," Kakashi said as he held his right arm away from his side and a Chidori sparked to life. "Naruto is not leaving Konoha."

"The Mizukage awaits your hawk," the Mist jounin managed to press out before he used shushin to get away from the group of Konoha shinobi. He had the feeling that if he ran into Hatake again the man wouldn't really have a problem with frying him. His new life goal was going to be avoiding anything and everything that had to do with Konoha; the people there were crazy and anything that had to do with them always went to h*** at the first opportunity.

.~.~.~.

Barely a day and a half later, one of Jiraya's spies heard a rumor about a blonde kid from Leaf and passed it on to the Sannin. The Toad Summoner took one look at the note and immediately proceeded towards Konoha and his old teacher. If what his spy had heard was true, then the final part of Konoha's Chunin Exam was going to rather interesting for the village.

Jiraya headed for the Hokage as soon as he arrived and pressed the note into the Sandaime's hands the moment he was certain the room was secure. Sarutobi read the message and looked at his old pupil in alarm.

The Godaime Mizukage had ordered every single Kiri shinobi not currently on mission to go to Konoha and make friends with Naruto so they could convince the Uzumaki to move to Mist. The ninja were encouraged to share jutsu with Naruto while he was training for the Chunin Exams and the shinobi that brought Naruto to Kiri would be able to ask a single boon of the Mizukage – anything from free access to Mist's jutsu library to receiving recognized Clan status in Kirigakure.

At the bottom of the note was an addendum: The offer of a reward is valid for any shinobi, whether or not they are from Kiri, if they can convince Naruto Uzumaki to move to Mist.

Below that was an every smaller postscript: Missing nin, please note that Kiri will provide sanctuary and reinstatement at present threat level in Mist shinobi corps for anyone who convinces the Uzumaki to move to Kiri. Kidnapping does not count.

"Are any of the Akatsuki likely to take the Mizukage up on his offer?" the Hokage asked in dread. They were the biggest group of missing nin around right now and Hiruzen had no idea if any of them would be interested in an offer of sanctuary and reinstatement.

"Kisame's one of the Seven Swordsman," Jiraya answered flatly. "He'll show up to get a look at Kanotomi Fudo if nothing else – and with him comes Uchiha Itachi."

"At least Naruto will do well in the Chunin Exams," the Sandaime said with a wince as he started writing missions to strengthen Konoha's defenses against foreign ninja. "Everyone else is screwed."

==o0o==

AN: I wrote a large part of this (about 4000 words) in one day when the plot bunny hit me over the head at work and wouldn't leave me alone until it got to play on paper. Hope you enjoyed it! Also, I just thought I'd let anyone who might be interested know that I'm working on a sequel to "Lord Hokage."