The last time Tony tried this he was drunk. He didn't even think about what he was doing, back then he never did. He was trying to serenade the just turned eighteen year old daughter of...someone or another, he couldn't remember. Not the point, anyways. He just walked to the piano, told the guy playing to move over and started in on his own song. It was stupid, and he could barely remember the girl now, but he could still hear himself slurring the words, and the choppy playing. He could however remember the exact spot that Pepper stood, and the way she looked at him. Disapproving but shocked, like she couldn't believe he could actually play. He was Tony Stark after all, and he could do many things.
Well.. he could do many things drunk when his brain didn't have time to over think, and supply him with probabilities and data. Great for keeping him alive as Iron Man, not so great for Tony. He offered his services for the benefit, he was going to play. This time without Pepper having to field statements, and clean up after the mess he made. He caught sight of Pepper. She was looked surprised when they announced his name.
"I'm a little rusty.." He said, trying to calm his nerves, gaining a laugh from the crowd. Come on Stark. You can do this, just play. He ran his fingers over the keys once, before pausing and beginning in on the introduction to the song. He focused on getting his fingers to hit the right keys, to make sure it was smooth. He was sure it was, he actually practiced for this, but going over the motions in his head made him able to block out her, he didn't want to over-think about it.
He leaned a little closer to the microphone and begun to sing.
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on
It's three days before Christmas when she walks out on him. She quits everything. Quits being his CEO, quits being his lover, quits being his friend, and mostly quits knowing him. He doesn't stop her. He just watches as she walks away from him, the Christmas tree they were trying to decorate left unfinished. He looks around him at the chaos: hooks are littering the floor, a bulb is broken, the popcorn turned over, and the star for the top is cracked. He surveys these damages without any real care.
He started the fight. He's been pushing his limits for far too long now. He's been antsy, and itching to send her away. Your pushing her away his brain chides him. I know... He responds. It still doesn't stop him from antagonizing her, and bulling her a little harsher than necessary. She excuses him of being bored, that he can't handle commitment, or monogamy. He doesn't disagree. She asks if there is anyone else.
There isn't.
He lies.
She walks out.
That's the end.
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
She's in Ohio.
She even quit living in the same state as him.
It throws him for a loop, because it's fucking Ohio. How ridiculous is that? Ohio.
It snows there. Pepper hates the snow. You have to shovel it, it's wet and cold and there is just no way she can even attempt to wear heels in it. He can't seem to grasp the concept of it. He keeps the weather for it up on his screens constantly, worried. He knows about the storms, and the crime rate there. He doesn't understand why she would give everything up, and just leave. Not only leave, but leave to somewhere that's she would deem as hell on earth.
It hits him in a board meeting. He shows up because this one is really important, and he is the CEO. Not that he's been in the house far too long where everything (and he means EVERYTHING) smells like her, where memories of her linger in every hall, and he's taken apart every appliance, car or electronic in his house at least twice. Not at all. So when he thinks anything is better than sitting at home he realizes Pepper thinks that anywhere Tony is not, is better than somewhere he is. Even if that place where he's not is cold, wet and gets snow until March.
It hurts him more than it should when he reads the article. (He has JARVIS constantly searching any information on Pepper, and giving him daily alerts.) She found work easily, was able to move up to the top, and was now dating the CEO of the company.
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
He can't tear his eyes away from the picture of the two of them. He wants to stop but something inside him won't let it happen. He has to see this, he has to let the pain go into his heart. Deep deep down in his heart because he caused this. Why? He was worried, or scared or some other pussy reason. Its killing him right now that he let himself be ruled by such fleeting emotions. He wants to bash his head into the wall, better yet he wants to bash in Mr. Tom dick-face into a wall. He could do it too. Ohio wasn't that long of a flight...not in the suit.
He had no right to get this angry.
He was still pissed.
Oh I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Once inside the suit he had the urge to fly to Ohio. But he didn't. He had made his bed, now he had to sleep in it. Still he wasn't going to stay here. He goes out flying, pushing himself and his new RT for all it's worth. He has no idea where he's flown too, but he can feel exhaustion in his bones and he makes a dive for whatever land is below him. He ends up in some forest, for all he knew he was in Africa, on the other hand he could be Canada. He had no clue, but he lands hard against the ground.
His body's failed him. He doesn't have the power to function anymore. He smacks into a tree, it breaks and his body tumbles down lifelessly. He doesn't even attempt to move. He just lays there thinking it would be better if he was drunk, but he swore to himself that after his birthday he wasn't going to get that drunk again. It's something he's kept up, more out of self torture than anything. Giving in and drinking would help ease the pain, and it shouldn't be eased for him.
Oh I wish I had a river
I made my baby cry.
After his crash landing he goes off the grid. Staying in the forest for a few days before flying away to other remote places. He eats and takes care of himself the best he can with no money, or identification other than the suit. Still when he gets back, and finally allows JARVIS to play his messages he has over fifty missed calls. Most are Rhodey or SHIELD yelling at him, wondering if he's alright, asking him where he is. He ignores those easily, but one of them gets him. It's Pepper.
"Tony?" The recording says. "Tony, please."
He can hear the sniffle, practically feel the desperation coming off of the recording. There's a long pause, before another sniffle.
She's crying.
"Tony..." It's a sigh this time, and then a click.
"Should I delete the recording, sir?"
"No." He says in a whisper. "Don't"
She tried hard to help me
She put me at ease
Lord, she loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
He doesn't call her back. He doesn't let her know that he's alive. He's sure Rhodey's called her anyway.
The JARVIS alerts are all articles on her now. She's in the press just as often as she was here, probably because Ohio doesn't have anything else to report on. She's been advocating for him, and he doesn't know if it's out of habit or she really thinks that he's capable of the things she talking about. He's got a clip from an interview she did. In it she talks about him revolutionizing energy and being able to one day get rid of oil completely. He doesn't think he can. She does.
He starts a plan to do just that. He feels like she's still guiding him on what to do. Still here each morning to tell him, 'Get Up. Get Dressed. Tony.' She's not here though.
He notices most at night. He thinks of her laying next to him. Feeling her warmth beside him. Being able to pull her closer to him. Hold her frail body against his, her small shoulders fitting in perfectly with his. Just to feel her breathe. He's thought of going with other women, but every time he tries, he can't stop comparing the unlucky female to Pepper, and it never gets beyond anything than a flirty smile.
He wonders how she feels when her...fiancé puts his hands on her. Does it feel the same? Does she miss his stubble rubbing over her? Or the way he ate her out? Does Tom what's-his-face like to go down on her? Can he give her multiple orgasms? Does he let her play games? Has she ever given him a hand job at a board meeting or whispered dirty things in his ears while trying to go over the finances she just spent the entire day trying to get him to sign?
Mostly he wonders if she misses him.
I wish I had a river I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
He never thought of her as gone. Somewhere in the back of his head thought that this would blow over, that somehow he'd make everything better. It didn't work out like that, it didn't work like that. She set a date. He knew that she was engaged, but it was just engaged until there was a countdown and some people were forever engaged, never really had the balls to go through with it all the way.
He would be like that.
He was glad she was getting what she wanted. He was happy that she had set the fucking date. Now he had a countdown for his impending doom. Had something to look forward too, because on that day he was going to let go. Just drink and sleep with everything that moved, and loose his mind because he just didn't give a fuck anymore.
He had lost her.
She was gone forever.
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Oh I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
"What the hell do you want from me Tony?"
"I don't know, maybe for you not to be a bitch right before Christmas!"
"What are you talking about? What is going on in your head!" She flings her arms, causing the hooks to scatter on the floor.
"Does it even fucking matter to you?" He steps forward smashing a bulb under his foot.
"What are you trying to get at? That I don't care or that you want me to just break up with you."
"You're the one who doesn't want to be here, Potts."
"Oh really?"
"Yes, Really." He mocks back to her, the popcorn bowl getting over turned in their wake.
"Is there someone else? Or are you just too much of a fucking asshole to be in a relationship?"
"..."
"Is there someone else?" She asks, now realizing how close she might have hit to home.
"Yes." He lies effortlessly.
"How long?"
"How long have we been together?"
She throws the star at him, he dodges. It hits the floor and cracks.
Oh I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye
She sent him an email informing him of her engagement. He didn't know if she felt obligated or what. Did she send one to her high school sweetheart or the guy she was convinced she would marry from college?
No. This was her goodbye. This was it. It was her way of telling him that all the time he had was gone. He had lost out on his chance.
It was okay. It was better this way. His response? He made sure Tom got an invitation to the Christmas Charity Ball. In one of the articles Tony read about him, he said it was one of his goals. He was trying to be valiant, trying to be the bigger person. Somehow he feels cheap and dirty after he uses his connections, even worse when he gets a call from the person whose planning the ball, it's the girl he tried to serenade five or four years back, and she wants him to sing. He accepts.
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on.
He finishes his song. He hasn't looked at her once but he can feel her eyes on him. He gets up in the midst of the audience's clapping and cheering, some people have even stood up. He keeps his eyes unfocused as he smiles, bows and gives his patented peace sign. He walks off stage back to his table, he mingles for a little while longer before getting into the car. Happy asks how thing were. Tony doesn't respond. He didn't see Pepper after his performance, and he doesn't know if it's a blessing or a curse. Both he decides.
"Was that supposed to be a fucking apology?"
He's bombarded the second he gets into his house. Pepper is there fuming, she's still in her dress from the ball and he wants to know how she got here, and where her finance is because he is stupid if he let her go see Tony Stark alone. She's pacing and expecting an answer from him, but he really doesn't remember the question. It's been almost a year since he's seen her in the flesh, and not a picture or interview he's just entranced. He can't believe she's really here.
"Tony!" His head shoots up to look at her directly in the eye. She's pissed, and he can't remember why, what were they doing. His head is fuzzy.
"What?" He asks, which is obviously the wrong answer. She looks like she's going to throw something at his head.
"I'm getting married Tony."
"I know."
"In a few weeks."
"22 days." He corrects her. "January 13th. I got the email."
She just stares at him. He knows she's surprised at him. She doesn't think she's still on his radar, or warrants any importance but she's wrong. She thinks she's another girl he's done, another conquest. She's not. She's the only girl he ever loved, the only one he ever would love. He wasn't here to stop her wedding, he was letting her go.
"Is that all?" He prompts, and he knows that his choice of words is dangerously close to her catch phrase: Will that be all Mister Stark?
"I... I..." She's stalling, and he doesn't know if he's just thrown her off, or she thought this would be more difficult or what. He was hoping she wanted to see him just as bad as he wanted to see her, and she was drinking him in because this would be the last time they saw each other. This was it. This was good bye.
"Your fiancée is going to miss you." He prompts.
"Will you come to the wedding?" She asks suddenly, and it throws him inside, but he doesn't miss a beat with his response.
"I wasn't invited."
"I'm inviting you now."
"Why do you want me to show up?" He asks because he knows that if he shows up at that wedding, it'll be drunk, and in the Iron Man suit and it would be bad. He plans on slowly killing himself somewhere where he won't ruin her big day, or cause bodily harm to anyone but himself.
"Well.." She trails off, and he realizes that she has been guiding him. Knowing him, knowing he would keep tabs on her, knowing he would follow her lead, like he has all these years.
"You can't stop what's going to happen. I can only make sure it doesn't happen at your wedding, Pep."
She's caught. She knows it. He knows it. They stare at each other unsure of what to do.
"I don't want you to disappear again." She whispers. "It was like Afgh-."
She can't say it, and he feels even worse for making her say it. She moves and her ring catches in the moonlight. It sears him as though it was a laser.
"You still said yes." Because he can't promise he won't disappear, he can't promise that he'd call her and let her know he was alive. He's not sure if he will if he's drunk.
She leaves without anything further. He stares at the couch she was sitting on for the longest time. She has long gone left, probably on her way back to Ohio, and he still can't stop staring at the damn spot. He throws the couch out the window, it breaks the glass sending pieces shattering around on the floor. The couch tumbles out the window and down the rocky cliff of his Malibu house into the ocean below.
It makes him feel worse.
He's gotten someone to take care of the couch, and he's staring at the glass when she barges back into the house. He turns to face her, and she stops short looking at the damage he's caused. She barely gives the window a second glance, like she knows what's happened already. He goes to ask her, but she lashes out first.
"What the hell are you thinking?" She yells, looking over at the glass in alarm. He's just standing there hands in his pockets, trying to figure out if he's hallucinating or not.
"How'd you find out about this?" He asks because it seems like the right thing to say.
"I... I.." She stammers, "What the hell did you do!"
He notices her attempt to absorb and deflect.
"Remolding." He mutters. "You're keeping tabs on me."
"I am not."
"You are. You wouldn't know about the window if you weren't."
"I walked in and saw it. So that's how I know."
"Was it Happy or Rhodey? Who spilled?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Rhodey." He decides.
"Why would you even throw that couch out the window?"
"Why would you keep tabs on me?"
They have a standoff. Pepper loses as she often does in situations like this one. She won't get him to do what she wants him too, until she obliges him in something stupid and pointless.
"You'll kill yourself if I don't." She says deflated, and she brings a hand up to brush her bangs back. He grabs it. It's her left hand, and it's vacant of the once prominent diamond on it. He doesn't even have to ask.
"He says I was still too involved with you." She gives a sad smile to him. He brings her hand to his lips, and kisses it.
"Would you like your job back Miss Potts." He is all too happy that she won't be a MRS. anytime soon.
"I'll become your CEO, again."
That's not what he meant.
"I.." He begins, but doesn't get to finish.
"That's the only job I'll accept back.''
Oh I wish I had river
I made my baby cry
continue?