Characters: Chiyo, Tsunade, Jiraiya, Orochimaru, Sarutobi Hiruzen
Summary: The day Chiyo meets Tsunade and vice versa, they both decide that the other can go rot in Hell.
Pairings: None
Author's Note: Since Chiyo and Tsunade have this great big rivalry thing going on (at least, they did as long as Chiyo was alive), I thought it would be funny to write how they first met. And anything with Tsunade as a little kid, since she was pretty much an unholy brat back then, if written well is bound to be funny. Feedback would be much appreciated.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

The day Chiyo meets Tsunade and vice versa, they both decide that the other can go rot in Hell.

Chiyo hates border patrol. She personally suspects that the reason she is on border patrol so much is because the captain of her ANBU unit is aware that she hates it; her captain has a decidedly perverse sense of humor, and is aware that making Chiyo do things she really doesn't want to do makes for great comedy. Unfortunately for Chiyo's partner Hironori, Chiyo likes to vent. Loudly.

"Does he do this on purpose? Does taicho do this on purpose? He knows how much I'd rather be on hospital duty than this, or maybe on duty back on the city so maybe, just maybe, I can spend some time with my son every once in a while!"

Behind his dog mask, Hironori groans and nods. "Yes, Chiyo. Of course, Chiyo. Now keep it down; you're ruining our image."

Chiyo does another thing that is very much unlike something a good, dignified ANBU would do, and raises her mask long enough to stick her tongue out at her partner.

"You know, coming from a twenty-eight-year-old woman, that's hardly an effective gesture, Chiyo. In fact, if you lift your mask like that for no good reason again, I'm gonna have to report you to Ikatsui-taicho."

"You haven't got the balls."

That's when Chiyo notices the movements coming from the sparse copse just on the Kaze side of the border. Near the border of Kaze no Kuni and Kawa no Kuni (a minor country that exists partially under the control of Hi no Kuni), the desert starts to break away into sparse stretches of coarse, partially wilted grass and short, hardy trees. Under these trees, Chiyo with her keen brown eyes can see three children sheltered under the shade of a tree.

Chiyo and Hironori shoot a momentary glance at one another before nodding. Normally ANBU on border patrol aren't allowed to make their presence known under any circumstances, but Sunagakure ANBU are supposed to be able to render aid to travelers in trouble in the desert.

"Hey!" It's Hironori who calls to them. "Do you three need help?"

Chiyo on the other hand, is staring at them intently. They are all quite young, about the same age as her son Kazuo, if not a little older, around seven or eight years old. They aren't dressed the way a desert dweller dresses for travel, and Chiyo soon figures out why. Every one of them, all three, wears a Konohagakure hitai-ate at their brow.

"Go get taicho!" Chiyo hisses at Hironori in Kaze, so they can't understand what she says.

Hironori cocks his head in bewilderment. "The war's been over for a year. Konohagakure wouldn't dare break the peace treaty; they've got just as much to lose as we do."

He's right. The First War has been over and done with for over a year now (it mercifully claimed the life of Chiyo's abusive husband, something she gives thanks for every day), and Konoha does have just as much to lose as Suna, if not more. Chiyo nods. "I know. And three little kids don't exactly constitute an invasion force, even if they are Konoha nin. But I still want you to go get taicho."

"Yes!" It's the little girl who's calling, blonde ponytail swishing and she stands up and cups her mouth in her hands. "We need help!"

Hironori's dark brown eyes flick from the children back to Chiyo. "Can you handle them?"

This provokes her to scoff and fold her arms across her chest. "Please, Hironori. When have you known me not to be capable of killing three little kids in a heartbeat?"

"Duly noted." And he is gone. Chiyo takes a deep breath before walking over, at her leisure, to the trio of youthful trespassers upon Kaze no Kuni land.

There is one girl and two boys, and one of the boys, the one with white hair as opposed to black, is sitting with his back pressed up against a tree trunk, one of his legs twisted at an odd angle and clearly broken. His brown eyes are glazed over slightly in pain, his breathing hitched. The other boy, a pale child with long black hair and strangely slanted golden eyes, kneels beside him, strangely detached from it all.

The girl glares with light brown eyes and scowls with a petulant turn of full lips at Chiyo. "It sure took you long enough. What, don't you desert people know how to run?"

Chiyo takes off her mask so she can get a better look at the three children and better interact with them. It also facilitates her glaring at the blonde girl. "And don't you leaf children know how to show some respect for your elders? Or are you all just a bunch of uncouth little heathens who can't even tell that they're on the wrong side of the border?"

The girl's cheeks flush a shade of scarlet to rival that of Chiyo's shoulder-length hair. "I am not a—"

"What's the problem, anyway?" Chiyo cuts her off, not wanting to listen to the Leaf girl wax eloquent on all the ways she's not a heathen (And simply prove Chiyo's point). She gets down on her knees beside the white-haired boy. "How'd your teammate's leg get broken?"

Ignoring her, the girl sits opposite from Chiyo and starts to press uneven waves of healing chakra towards the boy's leg. Round eyes widening, Chiyo quickly grabs the girl's hands and pulls them away from her teammate's leg.

"What did you do that for!" she shrieks.

"Your chakra control is pathetic! If you tried to heal him like that, you'd make his wound worse! You might even kill him!" Chiyo summons up healing chakra and starts to heal the boy's wound herself. She reasons that the sooner the boy's leg is healed, the sooner these three genin—she's assuming that they're all still genin—will be off Kaze no Kuni land. She's well within her rights to kill all three of them just for being on Kaze no Kuni land without authorization—sanctioned in the treaty—but doesn't, and she can't for the life of her figure out why she's holding back.

Brown eyes widen in righteous indignation, while the two boys watch on in slightly apprehensive fascination; clearly they're used to their kunoichi teammate behaving this way. "My chakra control is not pathetic. I've been in training for two years now, and my medical trainer says my chakra control is the best in the class."

Never looking up from her hands, encased in green clouds of chakra as they are, Chiyo snorts, eyes still narrowed in concentration. "Then Konoha's standards are even more lax and falling than I had thought. In Suna, if your control was still so spotty after two years of training with the med nins, you'd be cast out of the class. Obviously Konoha's going too soft on their genin these days."

That's when the Konoha girl snarls and runs her mouth one time too many. "What do you know? You're just a kunoichi from a second-rate village that couldn't even win a war against our village."

Chiyo looks up, eyes blazing, but is stopped from having to show the full extent of her temper by the addition of a new voice.

"Chiyo."

Having heard her name called, Chiyo looks further into the copse and sees why all three of the Leaf children have tensed and started to look abashed and apologetic.

She stands, and coolly, pale, fair-skinned face chiseled in stone, greets the newcomer, who is staring at her, ashen-faced. "Sarutobi."

Chiyo and Sarutobi Hiruzen have been acquainted for several years now, having first met as children before the war. They have never been friends—Chiyo doesn't think she will ever be capable of calling one from another village "friend"—but they do respect each other, and Sarutobi has always afforded her every courtesy that could be expected to be shown to a nin one respects.

Sarutobi immediately shoots his gaze at the three children, whom Chiyo realizes must be his students. "Jiraiya, Orochimaru, Tsunade—" the name of the girl "—this is Akasuna no Chiyo of Sunagakure."

Jiraiya and Orochimaru are smart enough to realize that the fact that their sensei is referring to the red-haired woman before them by her first name means that he obviously takes her seriously and would like his students to afford her some respect, and nod awkwardly, Jiraiya muttering an uncomfortable, "Thanks for my leg," as it is now almost completely healed.

Tsunade only scowls blackly up at her, arms folded around her chest in an attempt to be imposing. So this is the Shodai's granddaughter, and she's just as much a stuck-up little brat with a puffed-up sense of her own superiority as Chiyo had expected her to be.

Chiyo nods curtly to the two boys, glares to Tsunade, and addresses Sarutobi directly in clipped tones. "Sarutobi. Get your brats out of here and off our land before I kill the blonde one."

"Yes, please do." Ikatsui-taicho's hard, stern voice emerges from the desert sand as he comes upon the scene, Hironori not far behind. "I'd rather not have a member of my unit responsible for an international incident."

Sarutobi nods and starts to lead his students away.

Before leaving, Tsunade takes the opportunity to stick her tongue out at Chiyo.

Chiyo has only this to say:

"Die, you little bitch."