Hi everyone! This is a total CRACK fic that I wrote as a gift for a friend and decided to post here and on DeviantART.

WARNING: GUY/GUY MATERIAL. Don't like it, don't read it.

Fortunately I don't own the Call Of Duty World At War Franchise although if I did there'd be a lot more Richtofen! ;) 3

Reviews and favs are much loved! and flames will be eaten by zombies! :)

Enjoy~

The last Zombie fell to the ground with a satisfying thud. From within the cold ruins of the Teleporter room Tank Dempsey wiped his brow; finally. They could rest. The sun had begin to rise and the all too familiar ache of lack of sleep stung the Marine's eyes. God damn, killing zombies was hard work. Dempsey observed his team in child like curiosity wondering if they wanted to do the same as him and get their heads down for an hour or two, he'd hate to admit it but Dempsey was afraid of sleeping on his own. One day Takeo had taken a nap and awoke to a penned moustache Mario would have been proud of; Dempsey shuddered. He'd be fucked of he was going to be Luigi anytime soon. After all, Nikolai was shit hot with that maker. Takeo had been scrubbing his face with the contents of Richtofen's 'man bag' for days afterwards; the marker was permanent.

Observing Takeo with dwindling interest Dempsey decided to turn his attention to the most 'interesting' of the bunch who crouched over a corpse on the floor merrily twiddling the cold, dead hand underneath his gloved fingertips. Dempsey observed the Doctors distinctive face as the man's green eyes glowed with something deep that Tank Dempsey was sure he'd never understand. A sharp laughing filled the air as a stiff thumb snapped off in the Nazi Doctors grasp. From where he was standing Dempsey stepped back a little. Damn, Richtofen was one creepy bastard. His train of thought came crashing to a halt when a familiar hand tapped the Marine's shoulder gently, Dempsey turned to where the hand was attached and smiled brushing Nikolai's rough palm of the Green of his army shirt gently. Nikolai threw him a questioning look, Dempsey sighed. If anyone knew about what they did in that toilet...

His attention was suddenly turned to Richtofen who abruptly stood up, adjusted his hat and made for the large metal door out of the Teleporter room. Something about the Doctors behaviour made the young Marine want to chase him; what was the sneaky bastard up to? Nikolai frowned tugging at Dempsey's arm with an irritating force. Quickly checking his surroundings for an eavesdropping Takeo, Dempsey turned to the Russian and gave him an apologetic look.

"Uh... Maybe later, Nikolai..?" He trailed rubbing a rough hand down the back of his stumbley neck, finding some comfort in the soft sandy blonde bristle that grazed the Marine's hardened palms. Nikolai threw Dempsey a puppy dog look before sighing and reaching for the Vodka he kept in his bag.

"Whatever Dempsey. If it is important to you to see what fucking doc is up too..." Nikolai gave Dempsey a smirk that would make most of the women in Russia cry. He moved a little closer keeping eye contact with his piercing blue eyes and slapped a hand on the Marine's firm backside.

"Then we can do things later, da?" Dempsey shuddered, eyes desperately scanning the place for Takeo. How awkward it'd been when he'd walked in on his and Nikolai's session in the cold bathroom stool. Nikolai had laughed it off slapping Dempsey on the ass every time Takeo was left alone with them. The young marine felt his cheeks flushing in embarrassment again, after all, Nikolai weren't the one seen hungrily sucking on another guys c-! Dempsey shook his head in a desperate attempt to forget and watched for Richtofen trotting across the courtyard for the window. He squinted at the strange looking man creeping along with his 'man bag' and a strange magazine in tow. A thought suddenly entered Dempsey's head that made him splutter out loud, Did Richtofen really beat the monkey! If so, he needed to get this one on tape!

Like a dog on the trail of a bone Dempsey rushed down the large metal staircase and out the large iron doors if the Teleporter C room once he was certain Richtofen was out of earshot. He needed to close the distance and catch up soon, thought the young Marine, or he'd never find the crazy Nazi. The thing about Der Riese was that the factory itself was so large and compacted; many times he'd gone to open a door to get back to the mainframe and become disorientated. The whole thing was like a complex spider web of file brimming rooms and laboratories , mused Dempsey, meaning Richtofen must be up to something if he was leaving the Teleporter C 'camp' and going to lurk in the wilderness of dark corridors and endless flights of stairs. Was it really worth chasing him just out of curiosity? Dempsey stopped in his tracks and looked back at the Teleporter eerily glowing through the shattered window Payne's of the large, grey Teleport C building from where he'd just came from musing. He stood paused on top of the bridge for a second before a school boy-ish grin crept over Dempsey's face. Damn, anything to wind up the sneaky psychotic kraut!

Quickly Dempsey briskly walked across the bridge and down the flights of curved stairs into the animal testing lab. He glared at the glowing brains in jars before pausing yet again and listening to Richtofen gambling for another weapon from the mystery crate before swearing in what he believed was German when receiving a bunch of Molotov Cocktails. Carefully the young Marine watched Richtofen going into a strop and thumping up the corridor in his heavy Nazi boots with such zealous Dempsey was sure that the German was snapping his delicate toes with each loud thump. Richtofen was tall but frighteningly thin much to his despair. He even had smaller wrists than Takeo (who was merely 5 ft 7). Dempsey held back another chuckle, wondering if the Doctors flimsy build applied to his pants...

Once the Nazi was out of earshot again Dempsey began to walk casually up the corridor before pausing and picking up the magazine the Doctor had left on the ground in rage. The American bit his lip in confusion. Why did Richtofen own a magazine on Bakery? Blood shot eyes glared at the paper as Dempsey read the boldly printed word 'Strudel' over and over again. Perhaps the whole thing was pointless? He sighed closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose in defeat. And to think, 3 hours of sleep or Nikolai could have been his. A thought suddenly rang threw Dempsey's sleep deprived Brain... maybe Richtofen knew Dempsey was on his trail and trying to fob him off with red herring props? Dempsey opened his eyes and scanned the cold room for more signs of the distinctive German. He'd never known Richtofen to fob people off with props; sure, the bastard was as shifty as Vicar on a road trip with a load of choir boys but this! This took the biscuit, or rather, the Strudel! The Marine let out a husky chuckle at his utterly hilarious pun, 'this took the Strudel!' Sometimes Dempsey's awesomeness amazed him. In awe of his own self importance Dempsey continued to follow the dim echo of Richtofen muttering to himself until he finally spotted the doctor paused outside a large door and rummage in his 'Man Bag' for a set of keys. Peeping from behind a tall, dented filing cabinet Dempsey observed the Doctor jingling a large set of keys before going for the locks. Narrowing his eyes the marine was suddenly aware of exactly how many locks were attached to this sinister looking iron door, alarm bells rung loudly in his ears and his stomach churned, what the fuck did Richtofen have in there? Dempsey gulped and rubbed the back of his neck to find comfort yet again. Did he really want to see? What if this 'Dr Maxis' was really a hostage in there!

As the rattling of the Nazi Doctor unlocking the door stopped Dempsey felt the urge to run wash over him. He was no pussy (He was sure he'd put the doctor in his place several times, who doesn't want to secretly sob from being told they suck!) But something about the way Richtofen twitched and stepped slowly into the dark room made his guts churn. Dempsey gulped. Should he go any closer? The familiar click of a light switch sounded and dim slithers of light crept out from the shadow filled room. Dempsey gulped again, this time a little harder than the last, what the fuck was Richtofen doing in there? The sound of frantic rummaging hit Dempsey's ears from his position on the stairs accompanied by the deep breathing of the Nazi Doctor. Chills run down the young marine's spine as he stepped a little closer curious to see what had got Richtofen in such a creepy state. Well, a creepier state than usual. From his spying spot on top of the rusting stair case Dempsey's green eyes could make out the spindly form of the psychopathic Nazi leaning over what appeared to be an operating table. Butterflies fluttered in the American's stomach as he watched Richtofen's gloved hands pulling back cloth that covered the someone on the table. Dempsey squinted his sleep deprived eyes shut, did he really want to see Richtofen humping a corpse? Sure the guy was an obvious closeted Narco but-

"Ooohh my beautiful! My beautiful, beautiful darling!" Cried Richtofen from deep within the shadowed room.

Dempsey felt hot vomit churning in the pit of his stomach. Damn this was fucked up! Did he dare open his eyes? A rattle sounded and the marine panicked suddenly aware of his shaking hands and the colt he'd dropped. Quickly almost in defence he looked forward waiting for the doctor to come storming out of the small room. He waited. Nothing. Odd, thought Dempsey, picking up his pistol gingerly, Surely Richtofen knew he was there? The Nazi doctor was as sharp as a pin always. What could be distracting him?

"Oh jah! Jah baby! You like that, don't you?"

At this stage Dempsey choked back a chorus of laughter. Holy fuck! The Doctor was seriously..! The marine frowned and cursed under his breath. How could he have been so stupid and actually scared! He shook his head. Oh damn! This was rich! If he could just get a little closer he'd be able to describe the whole scene to Nikolai and Takeo later even if it was a bit awkward with Takeo lurking around...

Carefully Dempsey crept down the stairs desperately trying to get a better look into that dark room. The scene in front of his eyes almost killed him. There was Richtofen hunched over an operating table with flushed cheeks and need in his eyes staring down at a... Strudel. Dempsey blinked trying to take the whole scene in. He watched in confusion as the doctor removed his leather gloves, caressing the soft pastry item in front of him making sensual trails up and down its seasoned surface with his brittle looking finger tips. Soon the delicate finger tips were replaced with a pink tongue, Dempsey sat jaw dropped in confusion and awe as the Doctor lapped at foreign looking pastry. Flick, lap, moan... That was it. Dempsey couldn't hold it in any longer! He was feeling seriously creeped out! He really didn't want to see how Richtofen enjoyed his, um, puddings!

"... What the fuck Richtofen?"

Immediately the Nazi in question shot upright and starred forward in the direction of the voice. Dempsey stood in the dim doorway like some sort of shocked child who'd just witnessed their parents at it. Richtofen gulped covering the strudel and glaring daggers in the direction of the Marine. His long fingers twitched before the doctor adjusted his cap and tie the whole time wishing Dempsey would just die if he kept staring intently at him. A long awkward silence filled the dingy space between the confused Marine and the embarrassed doctor, Dempsey moved a hand to the back of his stubbly neck and cleared his throat.

"Uh. You wanna pretend this never happened, doc?"

The answer he received was a 'drop dead and die' look. Dempsey shifted from foot to foot, damn. This was now annoying and awkward. Why the fuck did he follow anyway? Should have stayed with Nikolai at the base...

"Well. Can you at least stop staring at me like that?"

Richtofen continued to glare a glare that made dead puppies look as pleasant as peaches and cream. Dempsey reached for his colt; maybe this was what 'the butcher' looked like before he killed someone?

"Dempsey" softly spoke the doctor.

"Uh, yeah?"

"You should know it's very rude to sneak up on people"

Dempsey frowned. No way was he going to let some cake humping Nazi freak tell him off like a school boy!

"Hey!" Dempsey growled "Cut the teacher crap, Richtofen! Maybe if you weren't such a creepy bastard I wouldn't have followed you down here! I don't like you kraut, you're always acting like you've got somethin' to hide."

Richtofen coughed and adjusted his cap before promptly folding his hands behind his back.

"Dempsey" He began " I do not appreciate you following me like zhis. Perhaps I'm a secretive man, jah? But listen, yankey joe."

The Nazi doctor stepped forward from the shadows sinisterly closing the gap between him and the terrified marine. Intimidatingly Richtofen leaned forward so close that the tip of his distinctive thin nose almost brushed that of the Marine's stubby dirty one. Dempsey reeled back but was dragged forward again as an un-gloved hand quickly burst out and grabbed the marine's forearm with a force that surprised him greatly. Damn, Richtofen was stronger than he looked! Obediently he stared into the face of the psychopath in front of him, He'd give the kraut one thing though. His breath was definitely a lot better than Nikolai's...

"Don't follow me, Dummkopf, if you are afraid of what you may see..." Richtofen sneered, hot breath tickling the rough skin of Dempsey's lips. "And if I was you, I'd be afraid"

The hand suddenly trapping the American was gone and Dempsey stumbled backwards in fright. God damn, that man was scary up close! He noticed the doctor smirking at his shaking hands and frowned, shoving them in his army jacket pant pockets and throwing Richtofen the most super awesome evils ever. That'd show him! Another silence dawned before Dempsey decided to turn on his heels and go running back to the warm bosom of Nikolai. Sometimes he imagined that all that military padding the Russian had due to his winter uniform was really just a large pair of breasts... Turning back he stared at Richtofen standing menacingly in the shadows.

"Yeah well!" Dempsey growled

"Jah?" Richtofen replied.

"Just! Just..."

"..."

"Just drop dead!" Dempsey quickly muttered before briskly walking away. Richtofen's Sharp green eyes watched the young marine leave and he smirked walking back into the dark room. In relief he removed his cap and placed it down on the cold work surface.

"Jah, we sure fooled him! Didn't we, my pretty?"

"Yes Richtofen- san" Muttered Takeo, standing up from his hiding place behind the operating table. Richtofen giggled like a girl and starred at Takeo's hands.

"Good job that didn't smudge while you were hiding jah?"

Takeo looked down and admired his brightly painted purple nails.

"Yes. That would have been most dishonourable."

Back in the large bosom of Nikolai, Dempsey looked up at his boyfriend/girlfriend/mother only to be returned a drunken smile and have a large hand run through his scruffy sandy blonde hair. Dempsey sniffed shifting in Nikolai's lap and cuddling into the large man.

"Do you know the funny thing, Nikolai?"

"What is funny thing?" the drunken Russian replied embracing the tearful Marine on his lap.

"For a second I actually thought he had a body in there."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Kinda looked a bit like Takeo and he was doing something to its nails, must have been a trick of the eyes, huh?"

Nikolai sighed and patted Dempsey's back. "Was probably the lighting. To be honest, it is not surprise creepy doc does creepy things to puddings."

"Yeah" Dempsey muttered snuggling in deeper to Nikolai's chest. "No one likes strudel anyway."

"Exactly Tank. Exactly."