The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, slight AloisxCiel and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.
If the script-style format makes you want to grind your teeth and smash your head against your keyboard, skip ahead to chapter 8 and save yourself from severe teeth/forehead/keyboard damage! If you can bear with it for the sake of comedy, I applaude you.
But seriously, it gets better. You have my money-back guarantee.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kuro or any of Yana Toboso's wonderful characters, but I do own myself and the following piece of crack!
Me: Good day, everyone, and welcome to Kuroshitsuji Kangaroo Courts, a youth group and summer camp favourite transcended into the Kuroshitsuji fandom universe! I'm Brittany, and I'll be running this operation with the help of my two lovely co-hosts:
Alois: Moi, Alois Trancy, the best flamenco dancer with the sexiest legs in all the land!
Ciel: And me.
Me: Way to show some enthusiasm. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this game, the concept is simple: people are called out in front of their peers for embarrassing or unusual habits, fibs or behaviour, or in this case, probably for being an outright jackass who can't keep his hands to his own Bocchan and has to go around ruining everything he touches and making stupid crocheted wraps like some friggin' psycho granny—
Ciel: Calm down.
Alois: Ha ha, she's got Claude pegged.
Ciel: *clears throat* As she was saying, people are called out and then given a sentence by the judging panel that is usually ironic or hilarious.
Alois: We're aiming for both!
Me: In Claude's case, it'll be painful. COME ON, FANS, I KNOW YOU'RE ALL ITCHING FOR REVENGE!
Ciel: Could you just sit down and have a cup of tea or something? You're shouting right in my ear.
Alois: This is going to be fun!
Me: *slightly calmer* Before we begin, I just want to explain the reason behind this. There are already at least half a dozen interview fics on this site, which, aside from the questions and demands for yaoi action, have been receiving a lot of hate mail for Claude. There are also a lot of silly—often degrading—requests made that lead me to believe that the fans would be good at—
Alois: *shoves Brittany aside* No one wants to listen to you. Reviewers, just send us all the accusations and rage you've been bottling up and justice will be delivered!
Ciel: But since it would be unbecoming of me as your host to leave without providing any of the promised entertainment, I—
Alois: —am going to strip!
Ciel: What! No! I was going to make the first accusation!
Alois: Boo.
Ciel: Alois Trancy, approach the stand.
Alois: I'm already here!
Me: It's standard procedure.
Ciel: You are hereby accused of—
Me: —being far too sexy!
Alois: Hooray!
Ciel: Would you two please quit interrupting me! I was going to accuse him of—
Me: —not being sexy enough?
Alois: If I was any sexier we'd have to change the rating of this show simply because of my presence.
Ciel: I said to quit—
Alois: NO WAIT! If I was any sexier I'd need Claude's help to keep Ciel away from me!
Ciel: NOT LIKELY!
Me: If you were any sexier your taste buds would get worn down.
Ciel: *cringes*
Alois: Oh, I like that one.
Me: You were saying, Ciel?
Ciel: I... I forgot, actually.
Alois: Are you BLUSHING, Ciel-kun!
Ciel: No! I don't blush!
Me: If you've forgotten what you were going to say, then I shall take this opportunity to accuse Alois of dressing like Barney the purple dinosaur.
Ciel: Who?
Alois: I most certainly do not!
Me: *sprays Alois with Super Soaker* Did I mention that the judge is usually flanked by water gun-wielding bailiffs? We need someone to keep the accused in line.
Ciel: Can I have that?
Me: Sure. *hands over gun* And you most certainly do! Not that Barney wears booty shorts (thank God). It's the colour palette that concerns me. Why purple and green?
Alois: Do you want me to dress as blandly as frumpy old Ciel over gffhgrgrlll— *gets a faceful of water*
Ciel: This is great.
Me: And highly suggestive!
Ciel: You were right, Alois; this is going to be fun. Too bad I don't have any soap to wash out that filthy mouth of yours.
Alois: *spluttering* Stop! C-Ciel!
Me: And that's all the time we have for today (keep in mind that this is only a pilot and that the more reviews we get, the longer the second installment will be). To send a character from Kuro to court, simply leave a review with your charge and the name of the accused! Suggestions for possible punishments are welcome as well.
Ciel: Oh yeah, we haven't sentenced him yet.
Alois: *wrings out clothes* I thought this was my punishment!
Me: Not so, chap. For causing me to get the 'Clean Up' song stuck in my head every time I look at you, I sentence you to tidy up this mess while you sing it!
Alois: Hell no! I don't clean. That's Hannah's job!
Ciel: *pumps Super Soaker and pulls trigger*
Alois: grrgpglllggjsdhllfdfff—FINE—fffggplshlhhff—I'LL DO IT! But I'm using my shirt as a mop! *begins stripping*
Ciel: I'm out of here.
Me: Like hell you are! *grabs Ciel* I know you wanna watch this.
Ciel: I do not! Why is it that every show I go on—
Me: ROLL CREDITS! Alois, SING!
Alois: Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere...
Me: LOUDER, GODDAMNIT!
Alois: *crying* Clean up! Clean up! Everybody do your share!
Ciel: *spits on floor and leaves*
Me: That's all folks! Tune in next time and please, for the love of all that is good and holy LEAVE A REVIEW!