This?

No...

How about... this?

Sy...

Christian sighed in to his smile. He tried not to but he just couldn't help himself. The guilt was swimming through his head, confusing his already addled mind because what he felt... at that exact moment in time... was happy. How the hell could he feel happy? How could he just... ignore what had happened? He knew that what he'd been through should be at the front of his mind, tattooed inside his eyes so he should re-live it every time he closed them but, now that Syed was here, circling his hand, talking to him, just being with him... it wasn't. Why wasn't it? It had hit him, he knew that much. This wasn't a case of the calm before the storm. He knew what had happened, knew what he'd been through but, something about him just refused to remember it. He should be glad... so why wasn't he?

I'm trying to help you.

Yeah? That smile on your face says you're enjoying it.

Something inside him willed him to remember. He shouldn't forget about this, it was wrong to forget about it... wasn't it? As he lay there he realised that, just for a moment he... he almost forgot about it. Almost. Being here with him, Syed, it just... God he didn't even know what it did. Everything thing else in the world just... vanished. There was nothing else, no one else. Just him. Just Syed.

I... am trying to see if you're back to normal. You know... see if you can feel me.

Those last two word triggered something inside of Christian. Feel him... God he could still feel him... smell him, taste him. Everytime he blinked he was back there, back to laying helpless under the night sky and him... he was there with him. Shit... two words, that's all it took? Two words with a different meaning than what he heard and he was back there? He tried to calm his rushed breathing he prayed for the guilt to return.

Just them he told himself... just Syed Christian. Just... just think of him. Nothing else. No one else exists only the two of you. Over and over he chanted this semi-mantra in his head but it was no use. His sub-conscious was taking over, forcing him to remember. Why? Why did he have to remember? Shit! It had happened, it really had. It was a little hazy, blurry even. And he was confused. The visions, they didn't make sense. He was on the floor, then up against the wall. He was alone with the rain falling in his eyes then he was back up against the wall again... It just... it didn't make sense. Oh God! He remembered more. Why? Why did things have to start falling in to place now? Why did the blurred out images have to become clear now? Not now... please not now. Not when I'm with him... Don't ruin what I have with him, what I feel when I'm with him... Please dear God don't kill us.

But it was no use. What had happened, the... hell... it seemed like years had gone by, not hours. But it had happened... he had been through it, lived through it, survived it... just. Now all he had to do was deal with it. He chuckled quietly. God you make it sound so easy he told himself. Just deal with it Christian... just deal with that face bent over you, grunting above... STOP IT! For fuck sake stop it! It's over! It's... gone! Just deal with it and... what? What the hell was he supposed to do next? Forget about it? Move on? How the hell could he move on from this? From seeing him moving above him?

As if blow had been struck to his stomach Christian winced. That image... that image of... him... leaning over him, that was new. No, not new. He'd seen it before just hours ago. He just didn't remember it. His eyes stayed locked on Syed's face but he failed to hear his words. His lips were moving but his voice... he couldn't hear his voice. Instead, inside his mind, he heard the echoes of the rain drops as they splashed in the puddle beside him, his satisfied grunts, his heavy breathing. It... I... He couldn't take it anymore. The flashbacks that were swimming around inside his mind were to much. He was back there again... fucking hell he was re-living it all. Syed began to fade before him and he saw it... he actually saw that alley way again, this time with his eyes open and he saw everything. The rain-soaked walls, the moss growing from the ground slowly climbing up the wall. The chipped bricks he tried so desperately to focus on. 'Count the cracks' he remembered telling himself. 'Just count the cracks and by the time you've finished so will he'... it was as if he'd never left. His reality, the bed, the room, Syed... he wasn't there anymore. He wasn't there.

His heart was pounding, his head slopped in its panic and he was scared... someone was touching him, stroking him. Someone was near him and he hated it. His skin, it burned as fingers traced over it, blistering his blood. My God he had to get away from here, from him. His eyes shot shut, stayed tightly closed and he prayed to a God he didn't even know if he believed in to just... help him.

So, can you feel me?

That voice... He heard his voice and his head swam more. What the? Syed?... what the?... He was brought back in to the real world so quickly that he felt the bile make its way upwards. The real world... the world that was revolving around him right now and he remembered again. He remembered it was Syed that was there with him, Syed that was touching him, Syed that was sat beside him worried out of his mind. It was Syed for fuck's sake! Despite knowing this and the fear he felt inside him where the happiness lay just minutes ago he still wanted to pull away from him. He couldn't stand the contact, it actually hurt him to know someone was touching him. God he wanted to push Syed as far back from him as he could and he just couldn't stand it. Syed's touch, it reminded him to much of his. It felt the same, his hands, his skin... it was just like him. Then he heard his own voice in his head, the same voice repeated over and over. 'For fuck sake Christian! He'd never hurt you! It's Syed! What the hell is wrong with you.'... A second voice almost whispered back 'I'm scared'... 'But it's Syed! He'd never hurt you! Never!'... 'I know that but... someone did.' ... 'But not him... never him.'

He forced his eyes open and looked at him. He was perfect, just perfect. God, he couldn't help but wonder at the images that were running through Syed's head. In some weird and twisted way Christian saw himself as lucky. At least he had the reality in his mind, he saw it as it happened. He didn't want to but he did. But Syed... he had to create the pictures, make up the words. He had to start from scratch imagining what had gone on. The guilt flooded back through his body. He couldn't even begin to imagine how it felt for Syed to think those things, to have those images in his head in the first place. He knew nothing and somehow that made everything worse. Christian however, for him his face and what he did would always stay the same. For Syed it could change over and over until it drove him insane.

He started to smile as the sight before him took his breath away. Sat leaning over the bed as he gently tickled his palm, gently scratched his finger tips and pinched his skin was Syed, smiling. Any excuse, he thought to himself. Any excuse not to let me go.

Christian? Can you?

Syed's voice took that irresistible cheeky tone as his finger continued it's dragging over Christian's skin. He could feel it, feel him. But only just.

Yeah, I can. I can feel you circling my palm right now.

Christian held his breath as he watched him bend down to kiss his thumb. The voices in his head screamed at each other, one telling him to pull away while the other told him to relax. It was one just one kiss, one kiss from a man he loved beyond anything. A man he trusted with his life. So what if he was nervous? Scared? How could he not be? After... Don't think about it, just don't think about it. Just... stay here, in this room, with him. Let him touch you again, feel his skin against yours again. It's the only way you'll ever forget about him. Syed will get you through this, you know he will.

But it still scared him and he was never scared, never. That would all change from now on, now he'd feel that fear for ever waking moment of his life. Sure he'd be able to hide it, push it so far down inside of him that he'd go for minutes without feeling it. But it would still be there. Always.

Syed still failed to meet Christian's gaze as he slowly lowered his head. He'd almost pulled back, almost let go of him completely the second the machine monitoring his heart began to beep quicker. He knew he was afraid, of course he was afraid! How could he not be? But this kiss, if you could even call it that, it needed to be done. He had no idea why but Syed knew he had to do it. Just as long as it was slow. Keep it steady he told himself, and whatever you do, keep the mood calm. This couldn't be rushed and, if he did pull away from him then so what? He half expected him to. But when his lips pressed gently on the tip of his thumb and the sigh of relief that escaped both were masked by the other's he knew it was the right thing to do. Just one small kiss, something he'd done so many times each day for the last few months was now an obstacle. One they'd both climbed over but still...

Keep going he told himself. Don't show him you're as nervous as he is just... keep talking to him. Syed swallowed hard before he spoke.

That's because Christian, you are cheating.

Finally he looked up and caught Christian's glance. God those eyes! He could kill me with those green eyes.

You're not supposed to look.

He did it before he realised, did it without thinking even. He'd let himself fall so deeply in to the normality he was truing to restore that his hand moved before his mind could stop him. He plucked a hair from Christian's hand and instantly regretted it. It was meant as a joke... Shit why did you just do that? The mili-second that passed before Christian's reaction was the slowest Syed had ever experienced. Why the hell did you just do that? What in God's name possessed you? His mind, almost apart from his own body, screamed the warnings at him but it was to late. All he could do now was wait.

Aw!

Christian pulled his hand back and rubbed the spot Syed had wounded. He'd caught him completely by surprise but the fear that was written all over Syed's face spoke to Christian. He knew it was done in jest, that he'd momentarily lost focus of the situation and, in a way, he was glad. This was what he needed now. He knew he'd never forget what had happened, that it would stay with him forever. But that moment when Syed had been 'normal' to him... that's what he knew would get him through this. He didn't want him tip-toe-ing around him, to afraid to say or do something that might trigger it off in his mind. He needed him to be Syed.

Laughing he leaned over and, closing his eyes, he went to kiss him. He knew the second that it happened that the kiss on Syed dropped on his thumb wasn't enough. Christian wanted more. He'd seen him earlier, moments away from doing it himself but stopping himself at the last moment. He knew now that he shouldn't have done that, he shouldn't have felt the need to stop himself. Even now, looking in his eyes and seeing the fear in them of maybe pushing him to far to soon was enough to drive Christian on. Nothing... nothing would ever cause him to push Syed away from him, he knew that now. Just a few seconds ago his worry was huge, but that voice inside his head had won. This was Syed, his Syed. Nothing was ever going to change what they had.

C'mere

Syed stayed perfectly still and looked hesitant. Really? Was he really going to do this?

Sy...

He moved in slowly, his eyes wide open and watching his face. It was so soon. But this was it from now on. Everything was on Christian's terms. Everything would be done step by step, slowly.

You sure?

He couldn't help himself. As desperate as he was to kiss him, to show him some form of comfort, Syed just had to ask. What if he was doing this for his sake instead of his own? What if this would be that finally thing to push him over the edge? What if him feeling as though he had to do this was the one thing that would make him lose him forever?

I...

Christian's eyes slowly fluttered open. He was inches away from Syed's face and... he wasn't afraid anymore. He could smell his skin, feel the heat from his body and it warmed him too. But more than that he felt almost normal again.

...want to kiss you.

Grinning widely Syed began moving closer, their eyes still open and fixed on each other's and their smiles, mirroring each other's, wore the cheeky grin they only ever wore when they were together.

And seeing as you've just injured my hand it's the least you can do.

I don't think you're going to miss one hair Christian. You're body's covered in it.

Yeah well... You should know.

And they kissed. In that moment Christian remembered everything about what it was like to be with Syed. He remembered the love, the kindness, the passion. He remembered it all and nothing else.

Syed lost himself in their kiss, completely forgot where he was, why he was there and what had happened. For those few precious moments where they were joined he was back with him, just as he'd always remembered it to be.