It hurts. I looked down to see the blood seeping onto the towel on my lap. I had started cutting myself after Hikaru decided that sleeping in separate rooms would be a good idea. I couldn't believe it. My own flesh and blood was abandoning me, and for what? More like who? When he started dating Haruhi, he forget all about me. Tears starting pouring down as I took the razor blade and pulled on my skin again and again. I wanted to let the pain bleed out. It made me feel better. I wrapped bandages around my arm, and waited for the bleeding to stop. When it finally did, I cleaned everything up, careful not to leave behind any evidence of my deed.

I walked into my room, and sat on the bed. I bent over, and picked up a full bottle of vodka. I sighed as I popped the top open.

"Kaoru!" I heard a familiar voice shout, causing me to jump with surprise. I popped the top back on the bottle, and shoved it under the bed.

"Yes?" I replied as the door opened.

"What are you doing?" he questioned as he sat down next to me.

"Nothing. Just day dreaming," I responded.

"Oh, are you ok?" he asked as concerned filled his eyes.

"Yeah, why?" I said back as a weak smile crossed my face.

"You've been kinda distant for a while. I just wanted to make sure everything was ok," he said with a smile.

"Yeah, everything is fine, Hika," I said looking down. I could feel the tears burning my eyes. I couldn't let them show, not here, not now. I blinked back the tears, and forced a happy expression.

"Kaoru..." he whispered.

"It's nothing," I said as I looked up into his eyes. He knew me too well.

"Are you sure nothings wr-" he was caught off by a vibrating noise. He reached into his pocket, and looked at the caller id. It was probably Haruhi. "Hey, Haruhi," he said with a smile on his face. "No, I'm not busy," he said as he got up. He looked at me and gave me a look. We'll talk later. I nodded and smiled. He left my room, and closed the door.

The tears began to fall when I couldn't hear his footsteps anymore. Damn it, he always knew how to get me when I am down. I reached underneath my bed, and picked the bottle up. Time to return to the daily routine. I opened the top, and drank it all. I wiped my mouth, and put it back under my bed. I got up weakly, and went to my dresser. I took out a bottle of pills, and popped two in my mouth and swallowed them. Ecstasy. I wanted the high to hit me fast, so I could forget about all my troubles.

I laid down on the bed, feeling myself go to a different place. I wasn't sure if it was the drugs or the alcohol. I just knew that any minute now, all my troubles would be gone. I can't love him. He's my brother. It's illegal. It's wrong. It's obvious that he doesn't love me, so why can't I get over it? Why did it hurt me so much when he was with Haruhi? No, it was because he had picked her over me. His own brother. I heard a distant knock on the door. I couldn't talk. I couldn't move. I was in my own world right now. I didn't want to be disturbed.

"Kaoru?" I heard a voice say. "Are you ok?" I couldn't reply. I was too gone. I blinked as the tears began to fall down my face. "Kaoru?" he said again. He came to my side. I looked up, and saw him looking down at me. It hurt. I want the pain to stop.

"H-H-Hika-" I was caught off by my own high. I looked up to the ceiling, my eyes glazing over.

"Kaoru... what's wrong?" he said with worry in his voice. I need him. I want him. I can't tell him what's going on. Darkness took over my body as I passed out. When I woke up, I was in a white room. Where was I? Where's Hikaru? I looked down, and saw that there were IV's attached to my arms, and I was wearing a hospital bracelet. I was in the hospital. Oh shit. They must of seen my arms. The drugs. The alcohol. Now they know. Fuck.

"Kaoru?" I turned to the door, and there was Hikaru.

"Hey Hikaru," I mutter weakly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he said. He sounded hurt.

"Tell you what, Hika?" I said feigning confusion.

"You know what. You do drugs, drink, and... cut yourself?" he responded. He looked so sad. I couldn't bear it.

"It's nothing, Hikaru," I said.

"How can you say that? It IS something. You could die, Kaoru!" he yelled.

"I wish..." I whispered.

"What did you just say, Kaoru?" he said. Shit, I had said it without even thinking.

"I didn't mean it," I responded. I did. I wanted to die so bad. I wanted the pain to stop.

"You want to die? You want to leave me?" he said as he walked towards me. I was leaving him?

"You left me!" I spat angrily. "You left me for Haruhi! What do you expect me to do? I can't keep pretending I'm ok with it! I want you to be happy! I just want to die and stop being such a burden to you." Fuck, I can't believe I told him that.

"...Kaoru? I didn't mean to make you feel like that.. You know you mean the world to me," he stated. "I love you."

"Not the way I want you to," I said coldly.

"What?" he said surprised.

"Nothing," I quickly said blushing.

"I do love you, more than you know," he said.

"Then prove it to me," I responded. He came in closer, and kissed me softly on the lips. I can't believe this is happening. When he pulled away, he had a weird look on his face.

"Kaoru... I'm sorry, but I don't love you like that," he whispered. That was it. Fake a smile. It hurts too much.

"It's ok, Hikaru," I said faking a smile.

"I'm glad," he said sighing. He hugged my tightly, and I felt the tears pouring down.

It was late. I glanced at the clock, around 3 AM. Hikaru was sleeping in the soft next to me. I needed this pain to end. I pulled my bag up from next to the bed. Hikaru had brought it for me earlier. I glanced inside, and pulled out a zip-lock baggy with 5 pills in it. More than 4 meant a painless death. I looked at Hikaru and smiled. I loved him more than he could ever know. I opened the baggy, and dumped the pills into my hand. I opened my mouth and swallowed them all in one gulp. I took a deep breath, and waited for death to take me.

"I love you, Hikaru," I said. His eyes opened slowly, and he smiled.

"I love you too, Kaoru," he said. He stood up and walked next to me. I coughed, and suddenly blood spewed out of my mouth. It was almost here. Hikaru looked at me in horror. "Kaoru!" he screamed. He ran to the wall, and pressed the emergency red button. A nurse rushed into the room. It was like a dream. Everything was slow motion. I looked up at Hikaru.

"I'm dying," I said smiling. "You can finally live your life."

"NO. KAORU, YOU ARE MY LIFE!" he yelled holding my tight. It was almost like old times, when we use to hug each other all the time.

"It's ok. I love you enough to let you go," I said. It was getting hard to breath. I was panting. My air supply was running out. The nurse grabbed the blanket and flung it off. She was putting more IV's into me, trying to save my life. No, I want this. I coughed again. More blood. It kept going. I was throwing up blood. I looked up at Hikaru. He was crying. It was over. I smiled as I felt my life leaving me. A single tear fell down my cheek. It didn't hurt anymore.