She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried in earnest. A tear or two was one thing. Kathryn could force those away, pretend they didn't exist. Real racking sobs that shook her chest and made her sinuses burn were a luxury she couldn't afford herself.

Today she cried over a little metal box that could no longer be used to catch insects. Kathryn was far enough from the shelter that she hoped Chakotay wouldn't hear her. It was too much effort to care. The metal box was more than just a trap: it was Tuvok and Tom, Harry, Kes, the Doctor, B'Elanna, Neelix and his terrible coffee. It was hope and a way off this planet; now hopeless bent and battered beyond repair.

It was the last part of her duty as a Starfleet officer. She'd had a simple mission, find a cure, get back to Voyager, go home. Now it was done; as broken as the trap in her hands. She'd never see Earth, Molly, Phoebe or her mother again. It was a small comfort that they'd see her; that none of them would have to grieve her the way she would have to let go of them. They'd have her.

Taking a shuddering breath, she dropped the useless trap into the carrying case. She used her hands to brutally dry her eyes. They'd still be red when she came back from the woods, and Chakotay would notice, but that idea didn't bother her as it once would have.

Since they were never leaving this planet, he was her one human contact. Eventually, they'd know each other so well that they'd have very few secrets. Chakotay might even already know her that well. He'd let her go find the traps on her own; he must have known how hard it would be for her to let go of the last piece of hope. Through no fault of her own, she'd failed.

Looking up at the now beautiful blue sky, she wondered how Kate felt, being the captain again. Had she been kind enough to her while they shared the same ship? She didn't dare worry that Voyager wouldn't get home, because it seemed cruel to doubt the woman who had lost so much. No, she would believe because that was the right thing, the only thing to do. Voyager was going home.

Walking back through the bent trees and scattered branches, Kathryn let her heart rise at the sight of their shelter. As small and unassuming it was, she was still glad to see it, and happier still when she saw Chakotay throwing branches into a pile.

He stopped as she approached, brushing his hands together and pulling off his work gloves. Before he could ask the question, Kathryn shook her head.

"All destroyed."

Fresh, angry tears threatened from behind her eyes. When he reached for her, she went straight into his arms. Clinging to him, she could smell the tree sap, dirt and sweat of a hard day's work.

He kissed her head before he released her.

"Are you okay?"

The intimacy of the gesture ached. Maybe that was the heart of the problem. She was exhausted, worn thin by the daily toil of merely surviving in the Delta Quadrant. Kindness and intimacy were so much more difficult when she was tired. She couldn't keep her shields up. She couldn't keep him away.

"I can't-"

Chakotay left her and shook out one of their blankets over a clean patch of grass. He waved her over and waited for her to sit down.

Kathryn hovered, stuck somewhere between emotional collapse and needing to do something. Dragging branches wouldn't get them off this damn planet, but it might make her feel better.

"Come sit with me."

She sat down on the corner of the blanket, then pulled off her shoes and left them on the edge. The wind was quiet today and Chakotay was watching something out towards the horizon.

"When I was a little boy, between four and seven, we lived on another part of my planet, and it was in one of the areas that got a good deal of rain. It was the first time I'd lived in a house that had to have silts and I found the stairs that went up and down from my house were far too much fun to play on than my mother liked. I built things under those stairs. Castles and spaceports and little people of sticks and clay to play in them."

He glanced over to make sure she was listening.

Kathryn couldn't help picturing how adorable of a boy he must have been and waited for him to continue.

"Then the rainy season came and the ground covered with water. My steps disappeared and we travelled on boats for a few months. I loved boats so I didn't think too much of it. Then one morning the water was gone and I went back to my little den under the stairs and everything was gone. My castles, my little men made out of sticks, everything I'd spent all the dry season making."

He paused long enough that she had to know.

"And?"

"And, as many little boys do, I ran to my mother in tears and asked her why the rain didn't want me to be happy."

Imagining him so earnest as a boy, she nearly laughed. She could have hugged him for even beginning the story.

His smile was breathtakingly gentle. "My mother looked at me with the wisdom only mothers seem to have and walked down with me to see the mess the rain had made. She looked at the mud and the dried leaves and then finally at me. Then she asked me what I was going to build this season. I was confused. I wanted my old world back. I wanted the spaceport the way I had it. I wanted my things.

"Then she asked me if there was anything I didn't like about my old spaceport and my old castle and of course I could list so many things I would do better. I could have a moat and a real dragon, and maybe a shipyard so the ships could get fixed. And a house because the people who fixed the ships would need a house."

Chakotay reached for her face, rubbing the dirt she'd left tear stains in off of her cheek.

"My mother told me to build it. That the rain didn't hate me, the rain loved me enough to want me to have my spaceport and my castle exactly the way I wanted them."

His lips were close again. The sky was still blue and the afternoon sun was warm on her skin.

"Did you?"

"I built a pyramid, because I saw one in one of my dad's books. Then I built a starship, but it didn't fly very well."

So little distance was left between them that a sneeze would have put them in contact. Kathryn didn't wait for it. She leaned over, kissing him with a hungry kind of passion that unnerved her. She shouldn't want as much as she did, but the rains had come and taken everything but him away.

Chakotay was the thing she wanted to do right. If she couldn't have Voyager, and this was her home, he was what she wanted. Kathryn lay back on the blanket, staring up at Chakotay's confused and hopeful smile.

The sky was so perfectly blue behind his head, it was hard to imagine the green plasma lightning had even existed long enough to take away the chance they had to get home.

"Did you care that it couldn't fly?"

He leaned over her, one hand resting on her shoulder. Chakotay smiled and shook his head no. "I knew it flew. Imaginary ships don't need to be aerodynamic."

He was waiting, and she had to say something. Chakotay was patient; he'd never continue unless she made what she wanted abundantly clear.

Reaching up, she wound her fingers into the hair on the back of his head. Tugging him down, she sat partially up to kiss him. When she let herself fall back, he followed her, sticking with her lips as if they held the answers to the universe.

"Kathryn-"

Here was the protest. She flicked her tongue against his bottom lip, then wriggled herself so he was between her legs. The meaning was obvious and his dark eyes widened above her.

"You wanted me to let go. This is it, Chakotay. You and I, the space between us, that was the last thing I was holding on to."

For a moment, they both hung in limbo. Her confession had been brief, even crude. Truth often was.

Chakotay leaned down, running his hand from her shoulder, down her arm, and finally pausing on the outside of her thigh. Her other leg was beneath him and it almost hurt that she hadn't moved him directly over.

He opened his mouth, searching for words. Chakotay could have protested, stopping them from the release they both desperately needed. Thankfully, the only use he found for his mouth was to meet hers, which was perfect, because she wasn't sure what else she could have said. Without the responsibilities of Voyager and the promise of home and Mark, Chakotay was exactly what she wanted.

So she took.

Tugging him down, guiding him over her, Kathryn kissed him hard enough to set the tone. It wasn't going to be sentimental. They could do that later, they had all the time in their lives for gentle.

She sucked his bottom lip, letting her teeth brush against the sensitive flesh. When the pressure of his chest wasn't enough on her breasts, she brought his hand to her left greedily.

He paused, breaking the crush of their lips.

It was long enough for her to whisper, "I won't break."

It wasn't that she wanted him to be rough, more that she didn't have the patience for slow, exploratory, emotional love-making. She wanted to fuck.

Running her hands heavily down his spine, Kathryn tugged up his shirt. Her long yellow tunic was easily squirmed out of, and now that he had the idea of the pace she wanted, Chakotay was definitely willing to take it at her speed. The more she pushed her hips into his, the greater the heat between them became.

Just kissing him had been enough to make him aroused; now she was going to make him burn. Kissing down his neck, Kathryn listened to him gasp and mentally marked the spot. His hands ran smoothly over the thin green fabric of the body suit she'd put on to wear for clean up. They both smelt of sweat, but new sweat was breaking on her skin, and the heat of the sun overhead was starting to pale in comparison to the heat of him.

Her fingers dropped to his belt. Dancing with the clasp, she tugged it free. When his mouth left hers, Kathryn licked her own lips. She could taste him over the familiar taste of herself, and she sought his mouth again to be sure. Chakotay's tongue returned her ardour, slipping deep into her mouth. Kathryn was already starting to pant, and she moaned a little just to encourage his fingers when they found the delicate little zipper down her back.

They rolled together, Kathryn pulling his brown leather vest away as he stopped kissing her long enough to tug her body suit down. The hot summer air caressed the sweat on the bare skin of her back. He snapped the catch of her bra free with practised fingers. Tugging the clinging green fabric down across her shoulders, he peeled both the suit and her bra free of her chest.

Chakotay kept his eyes on her face, all but ignoring that he'd just exposed the pink nipples and rounded curves of her breasts. She dropped down to his chest, pressing her breasts into the rough fabric of his shirt.

Holding the back of her head, he took over her mouth, nearly bruising her lips. Chakotay rolled her back beneath him, and the blanket rustled against the grass. Her hands slid his shirt up off his muscled chest. He toyed cruelly with one breast, pinching the nipple erect before he dropped his mouth to them and sucked.

The warm pull of his mouth coaxed a real moan from the back of her throat. One of his hands slipped lower and lower against the bare flesh of her stomach, before caressing her crotch through the maddening clothing that remained. The hard heel of his hand worked over and across, teasing her until her hips bucked up towards him. Kicking off her shoes, Kathryn began to tug her suit all the way off, but he stopped her.

"Let me."

His fingers slowed, turning reverent as he glided them across the smooth skin of her hips. Chakotay took her panties with the suit, and when he stopped around her ankles, her legs in his lap, she was almost entirely nude beneath the sky. The planet had her now, maybe it had both of them, and she didn't care as long as she had him.

Grabbing his hand, she dragged it up her inner thigh. Chakotay paused, fighting her just above the knee.

"Patience."

His voice was deep, nearly a growl, and that made the wet ache he'd left wanting that much more potent.

His trousers were off before Kathryn realised she'd been assisting him. His erection brushed her thigh, and she sighed. The pressure of his naked body above hers was exactly what she'd craved. She was with him, and the rest of the damn planet could go to hell with its plasma storms. She was safe, needed again, because he needed her. His fingers dove between her legs, chasing wetness up to roll across her clit.

Kathryn arched her back, nearly cracking from the sudden jump of pace. Her breath caught, then tore out of her throat. She caught his head and dragged him down so she could kiss him. Meshing their lips fiercely together, she pushed her hips up against his hand, panting as her head started to swim.

"You-"

She rasped the command as she reached down for his erect penis. Chakotay caught her hand and bent it back with her arm to the blanket. His whole body rubbed across hers, moving up, then down before he finally penetrated her in a single, smooth thrust. She arched up into him, crashing against his chest while he bent back her leg.

His hand left her clit, returning to tease her breast. With her leg safely tucked between her side and her arm, he pulled out to thrust back in again, this time deeper. He found her eyes, staring into her as he rocked over her. He crushed her breast once more against her chest. She tugged her hand, trying to free it so she could rake it along his back and pull him closer.

He kept it down, locking their fingers together, keeping that connection sacred as he thrust again into her. Rocking her hips to meet the heat of him, Kathryn's whimper turned into another moan. His chest grew slicker with sweat and he rolled her clit expertly between urgent fingers. Chakotay pushed her, driving her past where she would have begged him to stop, further than she thought he'd go. Her breath was a nanometer from sobbing in her chest as she arched up to meet him.

Orgasm didn't just take her, it broke her, splintering the last of her self control and scattering the pieces to the wind. Kathryn clung to his hand so hard her fingers were numb. Her nerves, from her teeth to her toes hummed as if they'd been released.

She was free.

When his lips became tender against hers again, Kathryn realised slowly, almost apologetically than she was only peripherally aware of his own climax. The wetness between her legs could have been hers, or the melding of both of them and she wouldn't have known the difference. He started to roll off but she held him, needing him to stay, if only long enough for her to be present again.

Chakotay obliged by rolling them both over. The edge of the blanket had grass beyond and she could feel part of her tunic crumpled beneath her leg.

He stoked her hair, fingers sliding easily over the sweat on her forehead before they vanished into her hair and the braid that she'd never felt come undone. He fished the tie from her hair and loosed it so it tumbled across the naked skin of her back.

"I'm so-"

He stopped her immediately, sitting up to kiss her and head off the apology.

"No apologies unless you didn't mean it."

Kathryn blinked down at him, losing herself in his dark eyes. Chakotay wasn't angry, accusing or even disappointed.

"Of course I-"

"Then don't apologise."

He took her head in both of his hands, smiling up with the kind of patience she'd never understand, let alone have.

"Kathryn, I love you. I would give you anything you asked for."

Pulling back, aching with guilt, she gasped when he flipped her back beneath him. Tangling her legs, he grinned wickedly.

"I even know that occasionally you can't ask."

"You love-"

"I love you."

No pretense, no hesitation and Kathryn couldn't find any words in her head. Her mouth was barely working as it was.

Chakotay kissed her, lazily drawing her thoughts from her without even needing to ask. He began to work his way down, pinning her to the blanket as the sun moved slowly on without them.

"Do you anticipate Kathryn Janeway's return because you wish to leave your position as captain or will you find the position more difficult to relinquish than you originally thought?"

Count on Tuvok to get right to the point. Kate shrugged slightly and rested her hands in the void between her knees. She sat on the sofa next to him, watching the stars bring them back to Kathryn and Chakotay.

"Three weeks ago I would have kissed her for staying on board."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow but let her obvious exaggeration go without mention. He really did love her, in his stoic Vulcan way. Letting her be less than precise was his way of showing it.

"Maybe things have changed while they were down on the planet. I'm nearly her, and if I'd lost everything, my fiance, my crew, my ship- any chance of getting home..."

"You believe they have altered the parameters of their relationship?"

Kate glanced at the starlines outside her viewport as they took them closer and closer to Kathryn and Chakotay. The admission cost her nothing now. "I would have."

"And she is 'nearly' you?"

"We've been separate individuals for weeks, before that, I was her, she was me and we may have both been in love with him."

Both eyebrows up in surprise was as much of a reaction as she was going to get from Tuvok.

"It shouldn't be that much of a surprise. We've been thrown together, dependent on each other. We've been through more in just over a year than most crews go through in five. Every moment, of every day the entire ship depends on me to get us home, and somewhere along the way, I started to depend on him."

Her forehead ached, and she rubbed it as she lowered her head down into her hands.

"But there's a balance of power, rules, regulations..." Kate lifted her head, shaking it sadly. "The captain can't date her first officer. She can't wake up in bed next to him and send him on a suicide mission that afternoon. Captain Janeway can't risk that emotionally. Her crew has to come first."

"There is no reason to believe that Kathryn Janeway's feelings remain identical to yours. Perhaps her time on the planet has allowed her to see the potential for circumstances to be different. Love is an emotion most prised by humans. If she," Tuvok did her the courtesy of leaving her own feelings unmentioned, "wishes to begin a relationship with the commander, she may feel comfortable doing so. Particularly if there was no impropriety involved with her relationship with Mark Johnson."

Kate sighed as if Voyager had landed on her chest. "I'm on the ship, Mark is my torch to carry."

"And the captaincy?"

She rested her chin on her hands, trying to imagine the conversation they were going to have as soon as Kathryn was back on board. "I suppose it depends how much we are of each other. Aren't you always the one reminding me I need to seek balance to find peace?"

"You do not seem to agree."

"I do listen, old friend." She patted his shoulder, deeply grateful for his counsel. "I just can't always follow the dictates of logic."

"I believe ability is not as much a factor as willingness."

"You mean I won't?" Smiling took the weight off of her chest and Kate stood. "Have I ever told you that you know me too well?"

"I want to show you something."

Chakotay rolled over, reaching for the data PADD he'd been keeping a secret for the last two days. He rested it on the bare skin of her stomach, kissing her breast. They'd rearranged the shelter, putting their beds together after the first night. Letting their lives become calm and domestic was surprisingly easy; even Kathryn Janeway had adapted to life together in a different light. Sex was more than a way to pass the time, or a distraction. It was connection. Something they'd fought on Voyager because they feared the result was their salvation here. They gardened, they cooked and ate together. He built and dreamed and Kathryn, for the first time since he'd met her, seemed content.

She had to sit up slightly, the pillow beneath her shoulders, to read his data PADD properly.

"A boat?"

"You mentioned wanting to explore the river." Chakotay kissed the soft skin of her stomach as she lifted the PADD away and it became available. "I think I could build this. It won't be complicated, but it should be enough to let us take a few trips. Maybe even go camping."

"Chakotay, it's wonderful."

That light in her eyes always went right through him. "You won't be able to bring the bathtub."

Holding the PADD up over her head, she lifted her leg and allowed him into the space between her thighs. "I'll have the river."

When he kissed her, Kathryn dropped the PADD and brought her hands to his shoulders. It was far later in the day than they usually had breakfast, but the bed was warm and there were things on his mind far more pleasant than food.

Running his lips lazily down her neck, he'd just gotten that little sigh he loved when something crackled.

It wasn't the replicator, or a malfunctioning light. Kathryn had heard it too and she sat straight up. Her eyes went to the shelf where their communicators sat nearly forgotten.

The crackling noise came again, this time with a voice in it.

Her voice.

"Voyager to...ryn...Jane...Ch..tay."

Neither of them breathed as the communicators reoriented themselves and got a better signal.

"Voyager to Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay. Can you hear me?"

Lifting the commbadge from the shelf, Kathryn smoothed off the dust with her hand. The sheet lay on her lap, and she was still naked behind the hand holding up the commbadge between them.

She tapped it and the chirp of activation shattered the quiet of the shelter. Kathryn swallowed; he saw her throat struggle.

"We're here Voyager."

Neelix's welcome home party was in full swing. Sandrine's was so full that the party had spilled into holodeck two, which Tom had designed as a bar down the street. Or so he said. Kathryn doubted very much that an Andorian themed dance club was next to Sandrine's, but she could hardly hold back the celebration.

Chakotay had been missed fiercely by many of the Maquis. She'd thought there had even been tears in B'Elanna's eyes when he came back. Kes had cried when she embraced them both, and Kathryn envied her freedom.

She tapped her fingers on the half-empty flute of champagne. She'd drunk very little, even though it might have helped her smile. It was her ship, but it no longer felt like home. Home was a patch of tomato plants and the shelter Chakotay was always making nicer. She'd almost asked Kate to beam the new headboard, the one for a double bed, on board before she'd lost her nerve.

There would be no time for lazy mornings in bed, planning the rest of their lives. She'd have to be on the bridge, next to him, but not...

And she hated it.

Kathryn downed the last of her champagne, letting the warm bubbles assault her nose as it went down. She should get more. She needed to be able to smile at the crew and tell them how happy she was to be back. Of course she was happy. She was back on Voyager and she was going home.

"It's better cold."

Her voice, but not her voice. Kate smiled and Kathryn half-hearted returned it. She couldn't fool herself. They'd both practised that smile in the mirror.

"Chakotay fakes it better."

Kathryn smirked and tried not to search the room for him. He'd been doing better from the moment they'd come back. He smiled at the right times; said the right things. Chakotay was the life of the party, warm and charming.

Startling her nearly enough to make her jump, Kate's hand closed on her shoulder.

"Why do I feel like I should be apologising for bringing you back."

"That's ridiculous." Kathryn protested, forcing her smile brighter. "We both belong here. We wouldn't have left anyone else behind."

"Have you had to practice saying that?"

The other her seemed about to laugh, but she held off politely.

"Maybe a little," Kathryn answered. "I am happy. I am."

Kate pressed fresh champagne into Kathryn's hands and pointed towards the door. "Take a walk with me, Captain."

There it was: the knife in her side that everyone kept twisting. We missed you, Captain. Welcome back, Captain. So good to see you, Captain.

Kate led her down the corridor, away from the party and into the quiet. "Neither of us is good at beating around the bush, so I'll cut to it. Something changed for you on that planet, didn't it?"

She could have lied to anyone else, even her mother, better than she could have lied to Kate. The other woman knew everything. Kathryn downed her champagne, swallowing it so fast her eyes stung. "It doesn't matter. I can't-"

"Bullshit."

Kathryn's eyebrow shot up. "Oh?"

"You can't get captain-untouchable on me. I've been there. I know exactly why you do it. Tell me you didn't have him with a straight face and I'll walk away, give you back your coffee cup and go back to the science lab like the good little shadow you that I've been."

The high point of yelling at oneself, was that they were exactly the same height. When Kathryn glared at her, letting her gaze sear into Kate's eyes. They could have been her own, and maybe that was why it had no effect.

"Just what are you implying?"

Kate laughed, shaking her head before she brought her eyes back to bear. "I don't have to imply, Kathryn, I know. I've looked at him and wondered just how far away seventy-five thousand light years is. What are we waiting for out here? A 'Dear John' letter from Mark when he meets someone else?"

She dropped her voice for a whisper and sealed them both into their coffin. "We love him. We've thought about asking him to our quarters and letting him take us so hard against the bulkhead that we'll ache the next day. We both had those thoughts. We both stared up at the ceiling of our quarters and wished our hands were his."

She lifted her glass to Kathryn and smiled without a trace of envy. Kathryn wasn't sure she could have.

"You went through with it and I love you for it. Yes, Kathryn, we're going home to Mark, and one of us has to wait for him. One of us has to be the captain. Instead of it being you, and you giving up the one thing we've wanted in the damn Delta Quadrant, let it be me."

She grabbed both of Kathryn's shoulders, begging her. Kate's voice, so confident before, now verged on the edge of tears. "Kathryn, for godsakes, let it be me. I've already lost him...I've already buried my crew. I can't die a little each day because I have to sit next to Chakotay on the bridge and remember what it was like to have him inside me. I've already done that. I'm redundant, surplus- The other Kathryn Janeway..."

"Let me do this for you. Let me be the captain, so you can be the real Kathryn Janeway. If you can't do that, then be with him for me." Kate's voice finally cracked and she choked as she finished. "You don't want to know what it's like to lose him, wondering what you could have had."

Kathryn lacked Kate's control. While her mirror image had managed to hold back her tears, Kathryn's escaped and ran down her cheek as if they each had a mind of their own.

"What if I- like Justin- I can't-"

"We won't. You won't." Kate hugged her, holding her so tightly that it took her breath. "I won't let you."

Two days later, they had their first staff meeting in their new positions. Kate sat at the head of the table, still feeling slightly out of place in her red uniform. No one but her knew it; they trusted her. Chakotay was in excellent spirits and everyone was glad to have him back. B'Elanna sat across from him; Harry, Tom, Neelix, Tuvok and Kes filled the rest of the table all the way around to her new science officer.

Chakotay was right. Blue suited them both. Kathryn still forgot, occasionally, that she wasn't the captain but they'd all grow accustomed to it in time. A little accidental insubordination might be good for her. Kate knew it would keep her on her toes.

She was getting up to leave, putting her thoughts in order before she went back to the bridge. She thought everyone else was gone, and she'd been surprised to see Chakotay and Kathryn at the door.

He smiled, and she smirked back. His hand found the small of her back, and they left together. Kate allowed herself a moment of envy; she'd never walk that path, but she had Voyager, and a crew to get home.

She'd do that here, in this universe, for everyone, Kathryn's living crew and her own dead one. After all, Kate was the captain, and she belonged to her crew.