Disclaimer: I don't own APH or this style, which belongs to Theresa Green.
A/N: yeee rewrite six (still on 7-13-11) or summat. moar headcanon
VASH ZWINGLI: User Guide and Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased your every own VASH ZWINGLI unit! To ensure that you drain every last drop of wonderful from your unit, we have provided this user manual; reading it would be advised if you don't want to die.
Name: Vash Zwingli. Will respond to "Switzerland", "Schweiz", "Trigger-happy", "Gun freak", "Chocolate whore", and "Blondie" - though a bit annoyed at the last three.
Age: 18
Place of Manufacture: Zurich, Switzerland
Height: 5'6"
Weight: N/A
Length: You'd be surprised.
Your VASH ZWINGLI unit comes with the following accessories:
One (1) green military uniform
One (1) white beret
One (1) set of pink pajamas
One (1) SG550 assault rifle (no bullets included for safety reasons)
One (1) SIG P210 handgun (no bullets included for safety reasons)
Programming
Your VASH ZWINGLI is equipped with the following traits:
Security/Bodyguard: Heading into the shadier part of town to close a rather lucrative deal? Got the mob after you? Your unit has deadly accuracy and skill with basically every kind of weapon, and just one VASH ZWINGLI unit will be more than enough to stop a large group trying to get at you!
Accountant/Banker: VASH ZWINGLI is great with numbers, and - if you get him hired at a nearby bank - will prove more than able to secure a stream of cash flowing straight to you.
Babysitter: Raising his little sister has taught VASH ZWINGLI several important skills - among them, the ability to take care of other kids and provide them with a safe learning environment. As long as your kids don't annoy him too much, he'll be the best babysitter they've ever had!
Stripper: If you can manage to convince your unit of the money he would make with this profession, you'll not be disappointed by how good he is at this!
Removal of your VASH ZWINGLI Unit from Packaging
VASH ZWINGLI is one of the more temperamental units. Waking him wrong can be fatal; for your safety, we have provided a list of ways to get your unit up and about. Warning: These listed are the only ways guaranteed fail-safe and completely harmless. Any other ways could result in high hospital or home restoration bills, which we will not pay.
1. Call a LILY ZWINGLI unit and have her call for her brother. He will wake peacefully and will not oppose you trying to reprogram him.
2. Play a recording of RODERICH EDELSTEIN's piano playing, or have a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT laugh his character laugh. VASH ZWINGLI will get up angrily, but will calm down as soon as he sees that there is no RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit in the room; in the case of a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, VASH ZWINGLI will rage, so you'll want to shoo the GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit away before your VASH ZWINGLI escapes his box.
3. Shoot something. Your unit will break out of the box and storm over, bent on teaching you to proper way to shoot. When he's done, you can reprogram him.
4. If you are very, very careful, you can open the box and reprogram him directly. Do not poke him.
Reprogramming
After you successfully get your VASH ZWINGLI unit out of his box, you can reprogram him to any of the following settings:
Irritated (default)
Stingy (default)
Violent
Happy
Slutty (locked)
VASH ZWINGLI comes in default Irritated and Stingy. In these two modes, he will be easily annoyed and slow to make purchases, as well as extremely reluctant to share anything unless with a LILY ZWINGLI unit. He is not too trigger-happy in either of these modes - mainly because they work together, and so his stinginess makes him unhappy about using bullets - but might scream at you randomly to buy him some food.
The Violent mode is unlocked by telling VASH ZWINGLI that a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit has been socializing with a LILY ZWINGLI. VASH ZWINGLI will storm off and beat up the responsible GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT; in the case that you just wanted him in Violent mode, he'll rage about your home instead and probably destroy some furniture before he realizes how much money he's wasting, and stops.
The Happy mode can be obtained by having him talk to an Adorable (default mode) LILY ZWINGLI unit, or by giving him a new gun. He will be eager to please and more likely to share what he has with you; getting him out of this mode can be done by introducing him to a RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit.
VASH ZWINGLI's last mode, Slutty, is locked for good reason. In this mode, he will act very different from his normal manner - here, meaning that he'll sashay around, smirk more, wink, and over-exaggerate such acts as bending over or licking something off a spoon. You can get him into it by getting him drunk with a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, LUDWIG KALTHERZIG, or occasionally an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit.
Relationships with Other Units
LILY ZWINGLI: VASH ZWINGLI sees this unit as his little sister, and adores her. He will do anything to protect her, and this can be used for emotional blackmail; a relationship between the two can be established if you lock him in a room with a LILY ZWINGLI unit on Dark or Promiscuous mode for a few hours.
RODERICH EDELSTEIN: Your unit used to like him, but unfortunately he doesn't anymore. RODERICH EDELSTEIN is a romance option that can be obtained by leaving them alone together for long periods of time, or getting them drunk.
GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: They also dislike each other, but are another possible romance. GILBERT BEILLSCHMIDT is naturally out to find a significant other (though he'll deny it) and while VASH ZWINGLI will reject his advances at first, they can end up together with enough hard work!
LUDWIG KALTHERZIG: Despite animosity from World War II, these units are actually quite fond of each other. LUDWIG KALTHERZIG is the only unit VASH ZWINGLI likes in LILY ZWINGLI's company; these two have a slight chance of romance usually urged by LILY ZWINGLI.
Cleaning
Your unit is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, and he will threaten to kill you if you attempt to help him.
Feeding
VASH ZWINGLI prefers various kinds of German and French foods, but will eat anything if hungry; he also loves cheese. He can cook for himself as well.
Rest
The VASH ZWINGLI unit is generally a late sleeper and late riser, though having a LILY ZWINGLI unit in the house will result in him sleeping earlier in an attempt to wake up before or with her. He sleeps whenever he wants to; going and badgering him to turn off his light won't do anything except cause damage to you and your home.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My unit keeps harassing me to voice my opinions!
A: He is most likely acting on his irritation at you for not speaking your mind every minute of every day. VASH ZWINGLI will respect you very much for stating your beliefs instead of sitting by and letting others push an argument you disagree with; there's no harm in a good debate, after all.
Q: My unit lost a gun and started tearing my house apart to find it!
A: Buy him a new one, or shout at him to stop being so destructive. Slipping in a comment about the cost will make him sulk, but he'll not rampage after you tell him to stop.
Troubleshooting
Problem: Your unit is throwing a fit for no reason, and trying to fashion weapons out of your mother's fine china.
Solution: VASH ZWINGLI has realized the lack of bullets in the house, and so has deemed his guns useless. This can be remedied by buying him a child's toy gun, or by calling Customer Services to buy the special edition SG550 or SIG P210 bullets. These bullets will bruise, but won't break skin.
Problem: You opened the box we sent you and found that, instead of an older teenage male, there was a kid of about ten or eleven lying in the box. Upon awakening, he grumbles and fights all the time, and asks where RODERICH EDELSTEIN is.
Solution: Oops! We sent you a little!Switzerland unit on accident! In this form, he is much more amiable but prone to fits, and might suddenly declare war on you at a single wrong move. If you don't want such a fickle unit near your loved ones or precious belongings, feel free to call Customer Services for an exchange.
End Notes
With the proper respect and care, your VASH ZWINGLI unit will turn out to be the most useful purchase you've ever made, as well as a loyal companion and caring older brother to any children you've got running around. We wish you a fun time with your unit. Good luck!
A/N: haaallelujah