PART 1- THE PAST

Chapter 1

The day that Alan and I broke up, I ran to my room and cried for a whole afternoon. The intensity of my feelings surprised even me. We had been together for so long it just seemed as though we always would be. Perhaps I had been taking him a little for granted; but that happened to everyone, didn't it?

We had been to the mainland on one of my all-too-infrequent shopping trips. I was excited about all the new clothes I had bought and was wondering when I'd get the chance to wear them. Thinking back, I suppose I should have noticed that Alan was a bit quiet, but I was so busy showing off my things to the rest of the boys that right then, nothing else mattered. I flirted and giggled, holding up one item after another for their perusal. No matter how gorgeous or exquisite I thought these items were I knew the boys would tease me mercilessly, and I loved it! It was always nice to be the centre of their attention.

Alan took me aside later on in the kitchen, while I was still on a high. I smiled at him as he approached, suspecting nothing of what was to come. He stood by me and watched me pour myself a cup of mint tea, declining the offer of one for himself. He ran a hand through his thick blond hair and cleared his throat before speaking.

"Tin-Tin," he said, "I've been thinking."

I was still oblivious to the serious look on his face, still thinking about the boys' reactions to my purple hipster flares and lime green wedges- Virgil sitting there silently stroking his chin, Gordon with his eyes out on stalks, and Scott making references to Woodstock.

"Oh? Thinking about what, Alan?" I asked blithely.

He looked uncomfortable. "Well, Tin-Tin, about us."

"Us?" I was puzzled now.

"Tin-Tin," he went on, "I've been thinking for a while. How long have we known each other? I don't think I can remember not knowing you. We've just kind of, always been together."

To be honest, it was not something I ever really thought about. "What are you trying to say, Alan?" I asked him.

"I'm trying to say...gosh, Tin-Tin, I guess I'm trying to say, I think maybe we shouldn't be together so much. I mean..." he was starting to go red, staring past me at some spot on the wall, "...I feel as though you see me more as a brother, anyway. We're just kind of comfortable together. We hang out all the time without really thinking about it. But that's not enough for me anymore. I want to, I don't know, I just want to have more freedom, more opportunities to..."

We were interrupted then by Scott coming into the kitchen, no doubt on a quest for food. I looked at him, and he looked back at me, and then he looked at Alan. He tilted his head and frowned. I dropped my gaze to the floor.

"Okay, I'm outta here," he announced. He turned around sharply and returned to the lounge.

"Come on, Tin-Tin," Alan carried on. "You must know what I'm trying to say. I'll never stop caring about you, I just...I just don't want to be tied down. I don't want either of us to feel tied down."

"Tied down?" I stared at him, shocked. "Is that what I'm doing, tying you down? Oh, you poor thing, Alan."

"No, Tin-Tin, I didn't mean it like that."

"Well, what did you mean it like? I don't think there is another way to mean it."

He shifted nervously on his feet. He couldn't even look at me now. "I just don't think it's doing either of us any good to keep drifting along the way we are, always doing everything together. Like we're twins or something. Joined at the hip. Where you go, I go. That kinda thing."

Twins? Joined at the hip? Is that what he thought of us?

"You're saying you want your freedom, and you think I'm holding you back."

"No! Tin-Tin, I..."

I didn't let him finish. "No, Alan, that's exactly what you're saying. You don't want to be with me anymore, you just want to go off and do your own thing."

"I guess." He rubbed his hand over his mouth and chin, as though trying to erase his words, but it was too late to take anything back now.

"How long have you felt this way?" I asked.

"Kind of for a while. A couple of months. Well, a few months. Since I went to Monte Carlo with the racing team."

"Monte Carlo? Well, I see, the glitz and the glamour of the racing circuit, not to mention the girls."

"Tin-Tin..."

"How can I compete with the world of Monte Carlo?" I was starting to get heated.

"Tin-Tin, it's not about Monte Carlo. That's just when my feelings began to change." He looked at me in desperation. "Tin-Tin, I'm sorry. I'm trying to do this without either of us getting hurt."

I stared at him, dumbfounded. "And how did you think you were going to manage that?"

He shook his head miserably. "I don't know."

I wanted to pick up a serving plate and smash it over his head. I didn't, of course. I just stood there, feeling panic welling up inside me, and the urge to run fast and run far.

"All right then, Alan," I smiled tightly. "If that's what you want so badly, then have it. But don't you ever come back one day and say you've changed your mind."

"Tin-Tin." He tried to take hold of my shoulders but I squirmed away.

"No, Alan. If you want it to be over, then it's over. Go off and find all these wonderful opportunities that you seem to think are all out there waiting for you. I hope they make you happy, because I obviously haven't!"

Perhaps it was a bit of an overreaction, but I burst into tears, turned around and fled out of the kitchen. I flew through the lounge past Scott and Virgil who looked startled as I ran by with my hand clamped over my mouth. I ran to my room and flung myself down on the bed amidst all my lovely new clothes. I picked up the lime green wedges and threw them onto the floor. I grabbed hold of a pillow and sobbed my heart out until the pillowcase was soggy with tears. When I had cried myself out I rolled onto my back and lay there staring at the ceiling, my eyes tired and throbbing.

After a while, a realisation slowly began to dawn on me. Perhaps Alan had a point. Perhaps we had grown a little too comfortable with each other. Perhaps I did treat him more like a brother, wittering on to him about other men like Cass Carnaby and Rick O'Shea, and flirting with Eddie Houseman in front of him without a thought to how he might have been affected. I know the others teased him mercilessly for days on end after Eddie had gone, and I remember thinking it was funny instead of realising how much he'd been hurt. He always forgave me for everything, and I suppose I had started taking advantage. He was only twenty one, and at times he could be young for his age. Perhaps I was the one who had started to outgrow him without even realising it. What if my tears were just tears of humiliation, because he had been the one to end it first, instead of me?

Later on, when I had stopped feeling quite so sorry for myself, I got up and went into my bathroom for a wash and freshen-up. I went out and sat by the pool to think about things. The sight of the rippling water was very calming. I actually started to feel quite peaceful, as though a brand new day was about to begin, sparkling and shiny and full of possibilities.

I was lost in drifting thoughts when footsteps and voices stirred me out of my reverie. Scott and Virgil had come down from the house and were walking across the pool deck. They appeared to be talking together in hushed tones. No doubt about me and Alan, I suspected.

"Tin-Tin, there you are," said Virgil softly. "We've been looking for you, honey." His brown eyes were kind- but then Virgil's eyes were always kind.

"Yeah," said Scott, "we were worried about you."

They stood there together, so similar yet so different, Virgil pushing the hair back from his forehead, Scott with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his tan cargo pants. The setting sun threw a golden glow on their faces, and I had to admit, even in my dejected state, that they both looked very handsome.

"May we sit?" Scott said, pulling up a nearby chair and parking himself next to me, even though I hadn't said yes.

"I'm all right, really, Scott," I protested, but in vain. Virgil was already dragging his own chair over and soon I was caught between the two of them like a fly in a web.

"We know what happened, Tin-Tin," Scott said. "After you ran out of the kitchen, we went in, me and Virgil. We made Alan tell us what was going on."

"Oh, Scott. You didn't."

"We had to. There was no way we were going to see you so upset and not do anything about it." He paused, and looked out over the sea.

"Scott told Alan he was an idiot," said Virgil, wryly.

"Scott!"

"He didn't like it, that's for sure," Virgil grinned.

"I couldn't help it, it just came out," said Scott. " I just don't know what he's playing at. I think he's making a big mistake."

"He told me he wants his freedom," I said.

"Freedom from what?" asked Virgil.

"From me, I suppose."

"Freedom from being a jackass," Scott grumbled. "I don't know what's gotten into that kid."

"It's all right, boys. Really. I'm fine."

Scott looked at me then, inquisitively. "What about you, Tin-Tin? What do you want? Do you want your freedom?" He kept saying the word 'freedom' as though it were a poisonous thing in his mouth that he had to get out.

I shrugged. "I don't really know."

Suddenly I thought I was going to start crying again. No one was more surprised than me when it was Scott, not Virgil, who drew his chair closer and put his arm around my shoulders. "Hey, Tin-Tin, don't cry, honey. I'm sorry. Guess we went sticking our noses in where they don't belong."

I leant gratefully against him. "It's not you, boys, really. You're being very kind. It's just me being overly sensitive."

"You're not being overly sensitive," said Virgil. "After all, for want of a better word, you just got dumped."

Despite myself, I laughed, although it came out as more like a small choking sound. "Yes, I suppose I did just get 'dumped'."

"Happens to the best of us."

I smiled. "Even you two?"

Scott gave my shoulders a gentle shake. "The stories we could tell."

I nestled closer. "This is surprisingly nice," I said.

"Surprisingly," laughed Virgil.

Scott gave me another squeeze. "Don't listen to him, Tin-Tin. I've been told I give good hug."

"Among other things," Virgil commented, "like lousy advice."

"Ignore him. He's just jealous."

A delighted giggle burst out of me. "You boys are funny," I said.

"Funny like a clown?" Scott said affectionately.

"Funny like people who make me laugh when I want to cry. Although I really think I've cried enough for today."

"Think so, huh? It's going to take time, Tin-Tin. You'll cry plenty more, I guarantee it."

"You'll be okay, though," said Virgil. "Alan's a hothead, he does things on impulse. He'll be back before long, you'll see. Don't worry."

"No, Virgil. I told him he wasn't to do that. I've been thinking long and hard about it- if he wants to go then I think I'm ready to let him."

Scott pulled his head back. I lifted mine and met his gaze. "Are you sure?" he asked, surprised.

Virgil looked equally amazed. "You're actually going to let him have what he wants, just like that? Tin-Tin, sweetheart, think about it."

"I've thought about it, Virgil. Really I have. I spent all afternoon thinking about it- and like Alan said, we've just grown comfortable together. There's no real spark any more. He wants some excitement in his life, and I suppose if I'm honest, I wouldn't mind the chance to have some new experiences either, however long it takes to get over this."

"That's a brave decision, Tin-Tin," said Scott, exchanging a look with his brother.

"I don't feel very brave," I admitted. "But I'm ready for it, I think."

Scott stroked my hair then. A quite unexpectedly warm feeling went from my scalp right down to the base of my spine.

"You know we're all here for you, Tin-Tin," he said.

"I know, Scott," I replied. "and I'm glad you're here, all of you."

He pressed his lips into my hair and kissed the top of my head. "You're a beautiful girl, Tin-Tin," he said. "One day, you'll find someone who wants you and needs you the way that you want them. Someone will snap you up." He grinned then, and rubbed my back fondly. "And whoever it is, will be a very lucky guy."

With Scott and Virgil comforting me like that, I began to feel pretty lucky myself.