A/N: I finally have it for you! Chapter four! Read slow, because chapter five isn't coming any time soon.

It was Monday morning. Everyone knows that Monday mornings suck, especially when they begin in Mr. Kirkland's classroom. Alfred rested his head on a desk because he was still waking up and glared resentfully at his English teacher who was having an animated conversation with his new teacher's pet, Kiku. It was just disgusting. Mr. Kirkland was such a pedo.

So what if they had a lot of stuff I common and Kiku was great at sucking up to teachers; Alfred knew that Mr. Kirkland was just trying to IRK him by being nice to his best friend. So he had a brilliant plan he'd just thought of like two seconds ago. But before he could remember what it was he fell asleep. Oh well.

Meanwhile, Elizabeta was in the band room trying to find someone's homework to copy, because everyone knows that's why people hang out there in the first place. But that was kind of hard because she was also half asleep because last night she'd had a sleepover with her BFF Natalia. Well anyway, they went' shopping and tried on every dress in the mall. Natalia found a Halloween store sit get played in there for a while because everyone knows that masks, plastic swords, and robotic wall-humping Chihuahuas = fun. After they'd gone broke buying stupid things like whips, handcuffs, and candy, they went to Toys-R-Us for a while because they were bored. And Elizabeta, of course, couldn't resist riding on all of the tricycles and scooters; but she accidentally broke one to they had to leave before they got in trouble.

"You know, when we were kids, we didn't have, like, skateboards and stuff," said Elizabeta as they walked back to the car.

"Yeah. We had to use socks," Natalia replied.

"Except that was really dangerous. I broke Roderich's arm one time."

"You broke Roderich's arm?"

"Well, you see, we were real bored to we tried to—"

"I really don't want to know."

After that, the two girls went to Elizabeta's house. You see, guys image that when girls have sleepover they strip down to their panties and have pillow fights. In reality, they played poker, at hamburgers and doughnuts, then played manhunt, watched Glee and Scooby-Doo, and talked about yaoi until 3 in the morning. When they woke up they walked down the highway to get a mango smoothie from the mall. They could only afford one, though.

So yeah, it was an awesome night. But then they remember that it was Monday.

The bell rang and everyone ran to their classes, except for Alfred and Kiku who were already at theirs. Mr. Kirkland felt and urge to pop Alfred in the back of the head with a ruler.

"Detention after school, Mr. Jones."

In 2nd period Mr. Wang was especially elated. And it wasn't just because he was about to get a line for the first time in two chapters. It was every teacher's favorite time of the year: the Stock Market Game.

"I know you've all looked forward to playing the Stock Market Game since it ended last year," said Mr. Wang and the class moaned in unison, "And I'm even going to let you pick your groups again. This year, the prize for winning is a hundred dollars and a trip to the Coca-Cola museum. So try your best everybody! The winner has come from my class every year for a thousand years, so I will be very angry if none of you win!"

Alfred nearly jumped out of his seat. "C-C-Coke Museum? That's the prize we get for winning?

"Yes. Tomorrow we will begin—"

"That's easy! So all we have to do is make a lot of virtual money? Piece of cake. Kiku! Be in my group!"

"You just want me to do all of the work," he snapped, "Besides, I already have a partner."

"We can be a threesome."

"That's what she said!" interrupted Gilbert.

"Shut up Gilbert!" Elizabeta shouted as she hit him with a frying pan.

"My name is Luke Skywalker!"

Then they had a Jedi battle.

In the next class, health, Alfred sat in the back of the room emoing. He felt so betrayed. So Kiku had a new best friend? I mean, so what if Alfred had like, a million friends. NONE OF THEM WERE KIKU. This was all Mr. Kirkland's fault. He probably told him all kinds of horrible lies. Before he met Alfred, Kiku was a total loser. Now he was almost as cool as his American friend and people actually didn't hate him. And he would just run off and talk to evil teachers and be someone else's Stock Market Game partner and leave him ALL ALONE? That little jerk! Alfred knew what he would do. He would find someone else and they would win the Stock Market Game. Then Kiku would wish he had worked with him in the first place and they would be friends again.

Alfred was definitely on a roll making plans today.

Meanwhile, Kiku was watching Alfred with concern. He did feel a little bad about turning him down so bluntly, but there was no way in hell he was going to work with him. The year before, he had done all of the work and they'd almost won. Bit in the last week Alfred bought one million shares of McDonalds stock and they went from first place to last.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" Alfred asked.

"You've got five minutes," replied Dr. Germania.

"KK!" He left the room and walked through the gym into the lobby where the bathrooms were. Standing by the water fountain was a mysterious masked stranger. "Who are you?" he asked the mysterious person. Wait. He'd seen this guy before. There was only one guy in the school who went around wearing a mask from Hobby Lobby. Sadik.

"My name… is DJ Bacon," he said.

"DJ Bacon? I thought your name was Sadik?"

"That was… a long time ago. Now I'm DJ Lotion."

"But you were DJ Bacon just a second ago."

"That's what I said. Anyway, it seems like you and I are in the same boat."

"What boat is that?"

"That a-hole Heracles is trying to steal Kiku away from us. He's totally plotting against our friendship!"

"That bastard! I should have suspected him from the beginning! Say, who's Heracles?"

"Irrelevant information. Luckily for you, I've already come up with a plan."

"Hahah! I already have a better one."

"Shut up! So here is what we have to do…"

Meanwhile, Heracles woke up from his name and took Alfred's empty seat. "Morning, Kiku," he said.

"It's not really morning anymore."

"Oh, okay. Well I have to study for my math test next period. Can you get my AP Human Geography book out of my backpack for me?"

"But you just said you were studying for a math test."

"I also have a test in Human Geography on a chapter I forgot to read. My vocabulary cards are also due in that class, but their only halfway done. Oh, and I also forgot to do my math homework so I have to do that too."

"What were you doing on Sunday?"

"You know, I don't really remember."

Nonetheless, he actually managed to skim a chapter in the math textbook and get started on his flash cards, though he would have to sacrifice studying for the test to get them done. Which was actually an accomplishment considering Kiku was watching him he whole time making it awkward.

See, Heracles probably looked real smart, because he was writing the definitions for complex AP words. But upon closer inspection one would see that he was actually retarded.

"Let's see… Social Distance: the distance between socials. Plural Society: a society that ends in the letter 's'. Sex Ratio: how often people have sex."

"Really? Christ, Heracles. I hope your teacher has a sense of humor."

"He doesn't. But he's never said anything. I do get weird looks when I turn them in though."

"I wonder why."

Kiku flipped through Heracles' cards he made, and yes, they were all retarded.

"This one's good: 'Sikhism- when you feel bad so you don't go to school because you are Sikh.' You, my friend, have perfected lazyness to an art."

"And that's the plan."

"Really?" Alfred chimed, "We can totally do that! You're doing all the work, right?"

"Of course not. There are nerds for that." Sadik replied.

"I see. But won't Kiku be mad at us? I mean, he gets real into this Stock Market Game thing, and if we sabotage his chances of winning he'll never forgive either of us."

"Shh! You dummy; he won't be mad at us if we make it look like an accident."

"Very true, Mr. DJ Lotion."

"Bacon. It's DJ Bacon."

"Who cares?"

"I do."

"I don't. Why don't you use your real name?"

"Because DJ Lotion sounds cooler."

"I thought it was DJ Bacon?"

"Wha—DAMMIT."

Meanwhile, Roderich was putting up posters for the Homecoming dance, which the student council had guilted him into doing. Even though he wasn't even going to the dance, nor was he in the student council. Since he and Elizabeta had just broken up, he would probably get a good beating if he went with another girl, so he decided he'd just skip the dance all together to avoid the embarrassment of showing up alone.

But anyway, he still owed the student council a favor and no one else could get out of their class this period. As he passes the gym, he remembered that Elizabeta had PE second period…

He stuck his face right up to the window on the door to find his girlfriend—I mean, EX girlfriend. She was sitting on the bleachers with a group of girls, laughing. She used to laugh about stuff with me, thought Roderich.

He wasn't taking getting dumped well.

Not far from where Roderich was stalking, Alfred and Sadik—I mean DJ Bacon—were also pressing their noses to the window trying to stalk someone.

"Shh, shh; they're coming this way," said Sadik.

Kiku stuck his head out the door, and Heracles followed. "Oh, hello Sadik; what are you doing in this wing?"

"What gives, you creeper? How long have you been here?" Heracles shouted.

"Long enough to see you and Kiku skipping class!"

"Isn't that what you're doing right now?"

"Yeah well I do it all the time so it doesn't matter."

"Where are you two going, anyway?" Alfred asked.

"Like I said, they're skipping! Don't you know how easy it is to just get up and walk out of class around here?"

"As a matter of fact I do," he said, "but the question here is not how they left class, it's why. I mean seriously, we all know how much of a horn dog Heracles is."

"What? Are you suggesting I'm a pervert?"

"That's exactly what I'm suggesting."

Then, Mr. Kirkland showed up. "What's going on here? Are you harassing this young man?" he said, putting his hand protectively on Kiku's shoulder.

Finally, Kiku said something. "It's alright, Mr. Kirkland. Heracles and I were just on our way to the library to do some research for our Stock Market Game project. We'll be on our way now," he grabbed Heracles by the wrist and pulled him down the corridor before he could do something he'd regret. Mr. Kirkland left too.

"I'm always watching you, Alfred. Always watching," he said as he went.

"Told you that man was a pedophile," said Alfred.

"I think we might have overacted a little bit," Sadik replied.

They both pouted a little bit.

Meanwhile, Yong Soo was also skipping class, in order to find some juicy scandal to write about in the school newspaper, while hiding in his clever trashcan camouflage. But all he was able to find was a group of lamers talking about the Homecoming dance.

"Yeah, it is going to be amazing!" said Mr. Wang, "I'm actually chaperoning it, and so I'll make sure everybody who attends has a great time! You're both going, right?"

"I wasn't planning on it," Kiku replied, "I mean, I've never been much of a rave kind of person."

China raised an eyebrow. "In other words, you can't find a date?"

"Pretty much yeah."

"Don't sweat it. I don't have a date either," Heracles commented.

"Really?"

"I haven't asked anyone yet, so…"

"That doesn't count. Girls hate me."

"Yeah, they do. Hey, since you don't have a date and I don't have a date, how about we go together?"

"And crash the dance? We'd look like losers."

"No, like dates. I'll buy your ticket."

"But, um, I'm straight."

"Oh."

Meanwhile, in the trashcan, Sadik and Alfred suddenly appeared.

"What are you two doing here?" asked Yong Soo.

"Stalking Kiku," Sadik replied.

"See? I told you Heracles was a horn dog!" Alfred shouted.

"I already knew that! But this is a problem!" replied Sadik.

"Yeah, I know! It could ruin our plan!"

"Can you two shut up?" Yong Soo tried to push them out of his can but only ended up making it topple over. Then the bell rang.

At lunch, their table was even more crowded than normal, after Sadik and Heracles decided they wanted to sit there too. So now their lunch conversation was mostly the two of them fighting.

"Shut up Sadik."

"That's DJ Bacon to you."

"I don't care. Just shut up."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Yes. Wait. CRAP."

…On top of the fact that fitting at least 10 people at a table made for four was a feat in itself. Then Lovino walked over holding his lunch tray and tried to sit down. The lunchroom exploded.