Slipping in and out of the Darkness:

Chapter one:

Where is Grissom?

Our choices decide our fate.

I know that.

I've known that ever since I followed him to Vegas.

It didn't matter because he wasn't ready to make any choices leaving me to my own as I struggled to work beside him, while he ignored my need for him.

I offered him everything but he took nothing from me for years.

It hurt to watch him struggle within, not sharing his inner emotions, holding it in while lecturing me about diversions and having a life outside of the lab.

He certainly didn't want me to make the lab my life.

It was his and thus there was the dilemma.

But then he did begin to share only it wasn't with me.

I waited in the shadows hoping he would see the error of his ways.

There was no logic in his actions unless he chose to be cruel to me.

He had all of the power, not me as I watched him share his inner most thoughts with her rather than sharing them with just me.

How close would he let me get before he pinned me down like one of the butterflies in his collection.

I flutter about waiting until that moment when I feel the prick of the pin within my breast and I'm shoved into a box to be examined and studied.

He would return then.

Yes, he would examine every shred of evidence, keeping the bugs that have torn into my skin.

He would come back…to me.

For now, I have returned where I almost died, tempting fate once more.

I don't feel like I've cheated death, only delayed it and I feel it coming each time the wind picks up and the skies darken while the rain settles over Vegas.

This time there will be no escape.

I know this and yet I'm not running anymore.

I stand my ground anticipating the inevitable although I'm not sure how it will happen but I feel it.

I know death is coming.

I yearn to look into those deep blue eyes one more time and taste his lips but he's made his final choice.

He came to the jungle for some unknown reason and left without telling me.

I ran after him but I was too late and he was gone as if he never came.

I knew what I had to do.

I had to go back to where death almost caught me, the only place I know where Grissom just might return.

The plane lands and no doubt it shocks the others when I show up…without him.

I feel I will surely go insane waiting for any kind of message from him.

I'm still not sure why he finally let me in but then again I'm not sure I was ever truly in his heart.

I know.

I know.

He left the lab for me but now, I'm not sure if it was really for me…or for him.

All I know is that he came to the jungle and then left…without me.

"Sara…you're here!" shouted Greg as he grabbed her into his arms.

She returned the embrace, clinging a little too long but she needed to feel something at the moment than impending doom.

"It's me. I heard you were shorthanded…so I'm back…for awhile."

"But…where's Grissom?" they almost asked in unison.

She had been anticipating this, preparing to put on the act of the century.

If it would get her access to the lab's resources then it would be well worth it.

"He took a teaching job until our grant comes in," she said with a smile. "I could stay but my French is…not too good and besides…I wanted to leave here on better terms…this time."

Catherine smiled. "I'm glad you're back…and yes, we need the help. Riley left."

"I know…Conrad filled me in. So…what can I do?"

Catherine chuckled. "Don't be so eager or we might just think there's something wrong between you two love birds."

Sara's smile remained plastered on her face, refusing to break or give any glimmer of truth.

"Love birds? Is that the only analogy you could come up with?" she beamed.

"None…for other ears that might be listening," Catherine chirped as she handed Sara a case. "Welcome back…and thank you."

Sara took it and smiled. "I get to work with Nick."

She turned and Nick stared at her for a long moment.

"Do I get to drive?" she teased, trying not to seem nervous but Nick knew her perks and it would be difficult to get anything past him.

"Nope. That rule doesn't change whether you're "Grissom" or "Sidle," he said with a grin.

She glanced down and finally noticed the name tag that Ecklie had handed her just moments ago.

"I guess…I'm using his name now," she said softly.

The first night was not difficult as she slowly acquainted herself with the lab and staff again.

She had hardly been alone for a single moment which was wearing thin on her nerves that were wound tight.

She repeated her story so many times, she almost believed it herself, needing to feel as though there was still a connection between them.

She needed access to the database and run his recent credit card purchases but her clearance was slow in coming.

She was sure she would be able to locate him in record time.

The quicker she was out of the lab, the better.

Already, she felt the tightness in her chest at the sight of the mutilated bodies lying on the cold metal slab in the morgue while she listened to Doc's cause of death for her Jane Doe.

"How is Grissom?" asked Doc.

"He's good."

"I really thought he would have contacted some of us," griped Doc.

"He will," she lied.

She prayed she would be able to talk with him before he said anything to the others.

Right now, she needed to focus on finding him.

As the night passed, she could already feel the uneasiness cover her like a blanket and was relieved when the shift ended.

She slipped her key into the townhouse stepping inside. Boxes lined the walls and most of the floor space.

She threw her jacket over the fetal pig jars, trying to hide them from view as she slipped off her shoes but then slipped back into them at the sight of the dust.

Her suitcases were still sitting near the door where she had left them a few days ago, ready to flee at a moment's notice.

If she unpacked, she felt she was surely giving in to the doom that seemed to loom over the house.

The house was once home to her.

It had been the only home she'd ever known and it was the hardest thing she had ever done to slip away from light into the darkness, the unknown outside Vegas.

For her, there really wasn't any choice but he seemed to think so.

The home that was once warm and bright became darkened by a shadowy figure that lurked just outside their walls.

While she tried to talk with Grissom about her concerns he grew angry, dismissing her like some child who didn't want to share her toys.

The simple fact was that she didn't want to share Grissom with Heather.

She thought that when he'd finally proposed and they had gotten married, her insecurities would be lifted but Heather's hold was much stronger than she anticipated.

With the right words, she could beckon him and he would go running to her doorstep without thought to anything or anyone else.

He insisted it was a friendship but Heather was too clever at such a game for Grissom to realize she was manipulating him at every turn.

The more Sara protested the more defensive Grissom became and so she stopped.

There were no more talks of his phone calls, his sudden disappearances or his desire to slip away at all hours not telling her where he was going.

For the others, it must have seemed like Sara had a habit of slipping away but she mastered the art from Grissom.

Her silent ultimatum had been her plea for him to leave Vegas and Heather.

When months passed and there was no word from him, she felt she had lost him.

The lines of communication disappeared.

Then out of the blue he came.

Before she could even discover his reason, he'd vanished as if it had been a figment of her imagination.

Now, she sat in the house they once called home.

Surely, he would return to Vegas.

Heather was there.

She'd waited for days for him to come home but when time ticked by, she knew that he had made a different choice, one that she was not privy to.

Unless he emailed her, she would have no idea where to find him.

Since she returned to the states she had poured out her soul in emails, begging him to contact her but there was no word.

Finally when she thought she would go out of her mind, she made a plan.

She needed access to the lab's resources in order to locate him.

Oh she thought about contacting Greg or Nick and pleading her case to them but then they would be jeopardizing their jobs and she couldn't ask them to do that.

But she could and she would if Ecklie would rehire her.

She couldn't believe how easy it was to return to the lab, Ecklie more concerned over coverage than the finer details such as why a person who suffered from delayed post traumatic syndrome would return without clearance from a professional.

She hoped he would continue to overlook the things that Grissom would have caught immediately. She needed to be able to slip in and out without the questions.

For months after the abduction, she and Grissom pretended the abduction had never happened but when the telltale signs of post traumatic syndrome could not be hid, they were faced with the dilemma of finally talking to one another.

It wasn't that she hadn't tried but she had gone too long and things looked quite bleak when a certain dark haired woman seemed to appear in the shadows from time to time forcing Sara to retreat into herself, not wanting to burden him with her inability to deal with the abduction.

The supervisor in him kicked in before the husband did, and he began to question her appearance but it was too late.

She fled not wanting anyone to see how battered she had become.

Heather's taunts had been too much.

While she bore Grissom's name in secrecy, Heather flaunted her relationship with Grissom.

She knew if she did not leave, she would surely self destruct and Grissom would be there to see it.

She needed to heal on her terms or she would surely implode.

It was the hardest decision she had ever made, leaving the only home as well as the only man she had ever loved.

He became angry, accusing her of shutting him out but the truth was he felt she'd been in control far too long.

He'd given in and let her into his life. He had shared his home with her, his bed and his privacy.

He'd done what she wanted and yet she fled, leaving him to answer too many questions from prying workers.

He remained the devoted husband, calling her whenever he could while throwing himself into his work to avoid the loneliness he felt.

They seemed to be spiraling toward reconciliation until Warrick died.

Things spiraled out of control.

He was burning out and no matter how hard she tried to convince him, he became embittered, lashing out at every turn.

She was finally getting better, accepting an offer to work with a research team. Things were settling down but still she wanted and needed Grissom. The problem was that he remained in the very place she couldn't remain.

She wanted to be with him but she could not be a part of the lab anymore.

She didn't know how to separate Grissom from the lab.

The two were inseparable and yet she could see firsthand how Grissom was burning out as well. The telltale signs were there but he ignored them, demanding that she return.

They were married and couples needed to live together.

Warrick's death was hard on each of them and Grissom folded within himself, his anger noticeable when he spoke with her.

He didn't say it but in a way she felt he blamed her for some reason.

She checked her cell phone and still there were no messages. Of course he did not even have her new number but she hoped that once he had calmed down he would have tried to reach her.

She surveyed the townhouse and determined she couldn't live in filth even if it was only temporary and began to clean.

After several hours, she slept on the couch, not able to sleep in the bed they'd once shared.

The knock on the door startled her awake, rushing to it but then frowned when she found the cable guy.

Within an hour she had service again, needing access to the internet.

She was sure he was still checking his private email at least.

As soon as she was able to get the man out of the house, she sat down, cracking open the laptop and checked her email.

She tried not to let it hinder her mission but she was growing weary of telling herself things would be okay.

They were far from okay.

The only thing she could confirm was that Grissom had stayed in a hotel for a day in Costa Rica and then took a cab to the airport.

She had just missed him by a few hours, having difficulty getting a way out of the jungle on such short notice. Grissom had managed to use the same guide who dropped him off near the camp site.

She wasn't as fortunate, having to beg and plead with the locals. She used the last bit of cash to bribe a guide to get her there immediately.

She refused to give up, rushing to the airport and trying unsuccessfully to find out which flight he might have taken.

Grissom was gone.

She remained at the airport, booking the next flight back to the states.

She had checked into the same room he had stayed needing to feel some connection to him.

It was then she began sending emails.

Gil,

I tried to reach you before you left. I know what you think you saw but it isn't true. You've got to believe me when I say that I would never sleep with anyone else. I couldn't. I came back and saw what Darren had done. He wanted you to believe that we've been sharing a tent but that isn't true. I've never let anyone else touch me. Please contact me. I tried calling the lab but I was told that you were no longer working there. Is that what you were going to tell me? Honey, please contact me. I've left the research team and am going back to Vegas.

I hope that you are there when I get there. If not, please let me know where you are and I will come to you. I don't know what else to say except I love you. I need you. I'm staying at the same hotel you did…same room…same bed…I needed to be close to you.

Please respond immediately.

Love,

Sara.

She was upset when a day passed and there was no response. She returned to Vegas and sent another email.

She shot off an email instantly letting him know what she had done.

Gil,

I've been waiting here at the townhouse for you but there's no word. I know you've not had contact with the others. I need to hear from you. I know you're hurting. Please baby, email me…call me…come to me. If you don't want to return here, just tell me your location and I'll come immediately.

For now, I wait…here…in the townhouse. Ecklie agreed to hire me as a temp until a permanent replacement could be found. There are not many knocking down the door for a graveyard shift so I am with…the unit…the team again.

Everyone ask about you and I lie. I told them you were teaching…in France. I didn't know what to tell them but I figured if you were out of the country they would be less inclined to try to contact you. I chose France because you spoke so fondly about your travels there.

I miss you. I love you. I don't know what else to say. I've tried repeatedly to explain what happened but you've chosen to believe someone else…over me…your wife.

I told the others we were married. My new lab I.D. reflects your name. It felt strange giving it to them…it being a secret for so long.

I don't know what else to do but I am here. I'm here waiting for you… My new cell number is attached.

All my love,

Sara.

She spent the next hour at the market getting food. She knew she would have no choice but to go through the motions as if she were going to stay there. She found herself checking her email every hour until she leaned back with the laptop on her chest and slept from exhaustion.

The next night led into the next day and then another night and another shift followed by sleepless days of waiting for a response.

Each day she kept to the same routine, sending him an email. Sometimes she sent more than one, pouring out her soul, pleading for some kind of word from him.

Gil,

The shifts are hard. Nick and Greg have been great as well as Catherine. She is struggling so hard to make you proud. She doesn't say it but I know she misses Warrick more than the rest of us if that were possible. I'm struggling with being here already. The first time I walked onto a crime scene I thought I would have a panic attack. Nick didn't notice but his kidding helped me ease myself back into collecting evidence from the dead.

I don't know how much of this I can endure. I close my eyes and I see their faces. I miss you every single time I walk through the halls. I expect to hear you call out my name just as I expect to round the corner and see Warrick.

I don't know how to convince you to trust me when I say I could never let myself be with another man. I'm yours. I've been yours ever since that day in the lecture hall. I can't bring myself to sleep alone in our bed. I lie awake much too often, waiting for the phone to ring or the receipt of an email…something to let me know where you are.

You came to Costa Rica…I'll come to you. Just tell me where you are and I'll hop on the first plane.

I miss you. I love you. Please talk with me.

Love,

Sara

Days passed and she was finally given full clearance and access to the lab. She immediately ran his credit card transactions and her heart skipped a beat when she saw that he'd been in Washington followed by New York.

His recent activity was only a few days old and it appeared he was now in New Hampshire residing at a place called Spalding Inn. She quickly located the phone number, waiting for the receptionist to confirm he was still there.

Her heart thudded out of control when she was told he was already gone, his whereabouts unknown once more.

Still, at least she knew where he had been.

She would just have to keep a close tab on his whereabouts and the moment he checked into another place she could jump on a plane and run to him.

If he wouldn't come to her then she would go to him, throwing herself at his feet.

With full clearance came a barrage of cases. She plastered a smile on her face as she went out into the field, facing dead body after dead body. She kept up the charade until she was back at the townhouse, gasping through bouts of tears. Already she was having difficulty sleeping, food was almost nonexistent and she knew it would be just a matter of time before she would not be able to handle the job. She needed to hang on long enough to locate Grissom.

The next thing on her list was to get back what belonged to them.

She'd call every boarding facility in town and yet she had not been able to locate Bruno.

She was desperate to find the dog, not sure what Grissom did with Bruno but by scanning his boarding passes he was not traveling with a dog which meant Bruno was somewhere in Vegas.

But where?

She picked up her things from her locker and headed out to her vehicle when she was stopped by Brass.

"Hey kiddo, how about dinner?"

Sara smiled. "You buying?"

"My…you've already run through your large stack of money you saved from working in this place?" he teased.

"I'll splurge for dessert," she offered.

"That's a deal."

She chuckled when they drove up to Frank's.

"Big spender," she laughed.

"Let's do it for old time sake," he announced.

Sara was surprised she actually had an appetite.

They split a piece of chocolate cake.

"It's good to see you back…but I'm a little concerned…that you're here and…he's not," whispered Brass.

Sara licked her lips. "He was tired…of this place. Warrick's death took a lot out of him. He was burning out and I…couldn't help him. It had to be his choice. How could I force him to come back here…after doing that? We both know how his sabbatical at Williams helped him clear his mind."

Brass smiled. "The two of you have come a long way. I was hoping that was the reason…but you can't help the detective in me. I was a little concerned."

"Don't be. Besides…he came to me….he took the risk…and…" she stopped in midsentence remembering his speech to Lurie that almost catapulted her into darkness.

"You know me. I just thought that after you…found out about Heather….then you might not be so forgiving."

Keep it together, Sara…

Play cards the way Warrick taught you…

"Like you said, we've come a long way," she said taking a sip of her coffee.

"Still, if I moved in with an ex dominatrix for a few months while still married I think my ex would have handed me my balls on one of Lady Heather's platters."

Sara swallowed, feeling the bile rise immediately.

She took another sip of coffee.

"I guess you'll be getting Bruno back….he said he left Bruno there until you two could decide what to do."

"I'm almost ready to bring him home," she breathed.

The moment Brass dropped her off by her car she sped to Heather's.

Note from Author:

I was torn as to which story to release since I have been working on two simultaneously but I felt this was the closest to being finished so here it is. It will run about 40 or more chapters. If I finish the other one I may run that simultaneously...I'm just not sure...the other one is out there...way out there. LOL

Take care!