Self-Destruction

-Depression-

People always say that we all have been through some bad break-ups, that when we get stabbed in the back, we just need to keep moving forward. But what do you do when everything crashes down on you? What do you do when you feel nothing but pain? It seemed like everywhere I turned, my life was falling apart.

My girlfriend cheated on me, maybe it wouldn't have hurt as bad if the one she cheated on me with wasn't my best friend. There's two betrayals in one, kill two birds with one stone right? I always hated that expression, especially now. The worst part of it is, she didn't have the guts to tell me, I ended up walking in on them undressing each other. Suigetsu and I had gotten into a fight wherein punches and kicks were thrown until we were stopped by one of his friends before they tossed me out of her apartment.

My so-called friends abandoned me, to them I was nothing, to them I was just trash and they tossed me aside like I was an old book they found behind a shelf.

My parents decided to disown me because I didn't want to go into the family business and the night I got into a fight with them about it, they kicked me out of the house and told me never to come back. My brother was no different he got angry at me about the whole fight, I guess its no surprise, he always took our parents side.

I lost my job because I had a break-down and wasn't focusing at work. I am unemployed, and I'm pretty sure in the next coming months I will be evicted from my apartment, the money I have in my savings will only last for a certain period of time.

All of this happened about six months ago and because of this I learned to never trust anyone again...

I've been tossed aside, stabbed in the back, left alone, I've had just about all I can take. They didn't break me... I am broken..and..I guess I always have been...

He held the bottle of beer in his hands and stared at the condensation that trickled down the body of the bottle from the beverage being so cold. His onyx eyes were half-lidded as he stared into the glass, they had grown dull and lifeless over the last month and he could care less what happened to him.

His hands tightened around the bottle as his eyebrows creased into a glare. Karin. The thought of his ex-girlfriend angered him, but it also tore him apart, his heart clenched tightly as the familiar pain returned to his chest. A pain he had come to know so well, it was apart of him, pain was his best friend.

The clothing he wore were a pair of black jeans and a white t-shirt with a black button up shirt over it, the buttons were undone revealing the white material underneath. The short sleeves revealed his arms, white bandages were wrapped around his arm in several places. They hid a dark secret, one he was ashamed of, but it gave him some form of release. A release from the world he had come to hate, the world that turned its back on him.

Giving a soft sigh he downed the remaining contents of the bottle and left after paying the bartender for the beverage. Normally he would have drank until he no longer had any control of his senses and actions and just passed out in the bar...but tonight wasn't that night. Walking out of the bar he headed down the street as he pocketed his hands, the wind blew through his hair sending a chill down his spine.

As he passed people along the sidewalk, he glared upon seeing a girl and a boy laughing and teasing each other. Behind them were a boy and his parents and they too were teasing him about something that struck a nerve. He wouldn't admit it, but it angered him and worse it made him jealous. He would have had that kind of life, had everyone he knew not abandoned him or stabbed him in the back causing all of this pain he was in everyday.

Quickening his pace he tried to get as far from these people as possible, he didn't need to be reminded of what he lost anymore. There was nothing left for him in this world and the thought of suicide plagued his mind every single night. He lost sleep to these thoughts, and as weak as it sounds, suicide was becoming a more possible escape for him. He wanted out, he wanted it all to end, he didn't want to live day by day watching the world go by while he is constantly left behind.

I am weak...

"Look out!" He heard someone yell.

He didn't have enough time to react when a body slammed into him, knocking the wind out of him as he fell to the ground with the person on top of him. He groaned out from the pain as he tried to get his breathing back to normal. The one that had ran into him got up suddenly and sat back on the ground.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry." The female placed her hands against her mouth.

Taking a deep breath, he sat up and placed an arm on his stomach as a wave of dizziness overcame him. When it passed, he looked up to see who had knocked him down and he shook his head at the girl as she continued apologizing. He saw the roller blades on her feet and muttered a curse at being hit by her, her clothing were a pair of black shorts and a pink tank-top, her pink hair was put up into a pony-tail to keep it from blowing in her face as she skated.

"I'm sorry." She said again as she grabbed his arm to help him when he stood up.

He yanked his arm from her which surprised her. "I can get up on my own."

"Sorry." She glared at him.

"Whatever, just get out of my way." He stalked off but she wasn't going to just let him talk to her that way.

She skated over to him and he stopped when she came to stand in front of him. He glared at her but she didn't seem phased by his attitude towards her.

"What is your problem?" She asked him.

"It's none of your damn business." He shot back he tried to walk away from her but she sighed and grabbed his arm.

"Look, I'm sorry, we got off on the wrong foot." She held out her hand. "I'm Sakura."

He looked at her outstretched hand and rolled his eyes. "I'm Sasuke." He said as he refused to shake her hand. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to be on my way."

She stopped him again. "What is wrong with you? I'm just trying to be nice."

"Yeah, well that usually doesn't end well for me." He stated.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Just forget it." He muttered and looked away from her.

She moved to stand in front of him and when she gazed into his eyes, hers widened. She knew that look, it was one she had seen in her mother's eyes the day her father had left them. "Somebody has hurt you."

"What makes you say that?"

"Your eyes." She said simply. "Now I know why you're acting this way."

"You don't know anything about me." Sasuke turned away from her and when he took a few steps she spoke up.

"I know you built a wall around your self."

He stopped in his tracks and turned to her with a glare on his face. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I don't know."

"Just leave me alone."

Sakura shook her head as he walked away and sighed before continuing to skate home. Just another jerk that she had tried to be nice too, too bad he was one of the cute ones, he would have been a good target for a new boyfriend, or that's what her best friend would say anyway.

"Stupid jerks."

"Shut up Ino." Sakura frowned as she watered the flowers in her best friends flower shop.

They had taken over ownership of the shop two years ago after Ino's Grandmother passed away. They didn't want it to close because of the business they had with their regular customers, so they opted to continue her Grandmother's work.

"Come on Sakura, you told me this guy was cute, why didn't you ask him out?"

"He was a jerk."

"So that never stopped you before." Ino muttered as she recalled the male Sakura had dated three months ago.

"Yeah well, I'm tired of jerks, and I'm tired of dating them."

When she glanced towards the window she was surprised when she saw Sasuke walk by. Ino followed her friends gaze and she smirked when realized who it must have been. "So was that Sasuke?"

"Yeah." Sakura blushed.

"Oh, this will be fun." Ino smirked and ran from the flower shop as Sakura tried to stop her.

"Hey Sasuke!" Ino yelled as he stopped to look at her.

When he saw Sakura come running up behind the blond he rolled his eyes. He sighed as he got ready to walk away but Ino grabbed his arm as a glared came to his face. He pulled his arm free from her and crossed them across his chest before staring at her.

"What do you want?"

"Would you like to come hang out with us and our friends?"

"Now why would I want to do that?" Sasuke stated in an emotionless tone.

"Oh come on, it will be fun." She grabbed his arm again and pulled him back to the flower shop.

"Let me go." Sasuke demanded but Ino ignored him.

"Hell no, you need to get out more." Ino smirked.

Sakura could see the angry look he was giving her but she didn't notice, that was Ino for you. She did things that made others mad but amused her at the same time, she grinned the whole way back to the shop and didn't pay any attention to the looks Sasuke was giving her. Sasuke on the other hand was getting very annoyed and inwardly, Sakura couldn't help but grin at his facial expressions.

Sasuke frowned as he sat on a chair in the restaurant Ino had forced him to come to with Sakura and their other friends. Sakura glanced at him from time to time and she was surprised when he sighed with frustration and got up out of his seat. She looked at Ino who gestured for her to follow him and she nodded hesitantly before getting out of her chair and heading out the door to chase after him.

He walked slowly down the side walk until he reached the park where he sat down on the empty bench. He was surprised to hear footsteps and he looked up to see Sakura smiling nervously. Sighing he leaned back and stared at her as she sat down next to him.

"If you're going to tell me to go back, you can forget it."

"Don't worry, I'm not like Ino. I'm not going to force you to do something you don't want to." Sakura smiled at him. "Besides, it was getting a little cramped in that restaurant."

"Yeah." He muttered.

She noticed he was in deep thinking and she decided she would try to get to know him better.

"So...you want to explain to me why you have a problem hanging out with people?"

"Sorry, I don't know you enough to reveal that information."

"Right, sorry." She thought for a few seconds. "Well how about, I tell you something about me and then you tell me something about you."

He looked at her and crossed his arms. "Alright, why are you and your friend Ino trying so hard to make me fit in with you and your friends?"

"I told her about our first run in with each other." Sakura explained. "And she thought you just needed some friends."

"That's stupid. All I want is to be left alone."

"My turn." She said with a gentle smile. "Why do you want to be left alone?"

"Because."

"Because why?" She urged him.

"Its the only way I can assure myself that I won't get hurt again."

"Who hurt you?" She asked with concern.

"Everyone." He answered, forgetting that it was his turn to ask her a question.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because, maybe I can help you."

"You think you can help me." He shook his head angrily. "You don't know the first thing about me. I've done so many things that I'm not proud of. My parents disowned me because I didn't want to go into the family business, they won't talk to me no matter how hard I try, my girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend and she didn't regret it and neither did he. I lost my job, I lost my car, I lost everything, and I'm pretty sure that any day now, I will be kicked out of my apartment." He started shaking when he stood up. "I go to a bar several times a week and just drink and drink until my body can't take it anymore. Fact of the matter is I don't care what happens to me."

"Sasuke I-"

"Stop, no one can help me now, not you, not anyone else. I can't handle anymore of this shit I go through every time I get close to someone. I'm done." He turned away.

She was surprised he had spilled all of this out to her, she wanted to make his pain go away despite just recently meeting him. She stood up and shocked him when she wrapped her arms around him from behind.

"I don't want you to feel that way, I will be your friend."

"It doesn't matter what you say, any trust for people I had is gone."

"Just give me a month, if you don't like what happens, then I'll leave you alone for good."

"Why?"

"Huh?"

"Why should I give you that chance?"

"Because, I'm not like the ones who turned their back on you."

As the weeks went by, Sasuke found himself warming up to Sakura and seeing her smile whenever she would greet him would make him smile. Normally he would never allow anyone to get close to him, but there was something about her that sparked something in him. Like she awakened the person he used to be before his life fell apart. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he was afraid of these feelings, afraid that he would get hurt again.

Now as he stood waiting at the flower shop for her, he felt his heart race. He hasn't felt this way in so long, he knew he was developing feelings for her, but could she feel the same way towards him, would she feel the same way? He had his doubts, but he tried to shake those thoughts away as a certain pink-haired girl ran over to him.

"Hey Sasuke." She grinned as she hugged him.

A blush appeared on his cheeks as Ino, who had tagged along with her best friend, smirked at his noticeably red face. He was just glad that Sakura couldn't see his cheeks right now, because she would surely tease him about it.

When she pulled away from him she grabbed his arm and pulled him down the street to make him have fun. That's what she had been doing since he agreed to give her a chance and he did admit to himself that he was having fun, the most fun he had in a long time.

He was glad that he gave her this chance, and there was something he knew he wanted to ask her, but thought it wasn't the right time, maybe one day soon, but not at the moment. He would just enjoy the time he had with her now.

After a month and half went by, Sasuke decided he would try to take the next step, he knew it was a long shot and not something he expected himself to do, but he wanted to ask Sakura out. He wanted to be able to be happy again. He had called one of Sakura's friends and asked him where she would usually be hanging around in the evening. He was told she was out with Ino and most likely at the coffee shop, where they normally hung out.

As he headed to the coffee shop, he could feel his heart beating, the flower he held in his hand was perfectly grown, the petals were perfect, the stem straight, a flower any girl would love to receive from a guy. His clothing just all black attire, except for the white shirt he wore underneath his jacket. As he came to the corner he paused when he heard his name come up.

"So what about Sasuke?"

"Ino, he's a great guy but he's not someone I can see myself dating."

Sasuke looked at the single red rose that he had bought for Sakura and leaned against the wall as he continued to listen to the conversation between the two females. He knew whatever she was going to say would end up making him do something he'd later regret but he couldn't bring himself to move. There was a voice nagging at him, telling him that he had to hear the reason for Sakura not wanting to date him.

"Why not?"

Hear it comes...

"He's too emotionally damaged, I don't want to deal with that."

I should have known...

Clenching his eyes shut he reached his hand up and crushed the rose in his hand before letting the pieces fall to the ground where he stood. The delicate petals had no chance against the anger and sadness that was slowly returning to his already broken heart. He should have expected this, he should have kept the wall up, but being foolish enough to believe that Sakura could be the one, blinded him. Any hope he had of being happy again was thrown out the window.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I knew...

...it would only end up in heart break...

He stepped away as quietly as he could and walked away before breaking out into a run.

If she doesn't want me...

...Then I guess nobody does...

I'm too emotionally damaged, meaning I'm not good enough for her.

He continued running, not bothering to stop even when rain began to pour down on him.

Then again...

I'm not good enough for anyone...

Sakura and Ino stood up to go inside the coffee house since it began to rain and they didn't want to get wet. Ino was very picky about how she looked and she didn't want to add wet and flat hair to her fashion statement.

"Sakura, you can't always think like that."

"Why can't I?"

"Because, Sasuke could be the one for you and you're just going to let him go."

"What makes you even think he likes me?" Sakura asked her best friend.

"You are so blind, I see the way he looks at you when you're not paying attention, I saw the way he tries to hide the blush whenever you came in contact with him, and most of all, I see how he smiles at you when you greet him with one of your own."

"Yeah but-"

"Tell me the truth Sakura." Ino cut her off. "What would you say if he asked you out?"

"W-what?" She stuttered.

"I'm serious Sakura, what would you say?"

I don't know.

Sasuke frowned as he taped a letter to Sakura's apartment door, he knew she wasn't home and that he was grateful for. He walked away as he remembered taping a similar letter to his parent's front door. He knew what he was going to do, and the metallic object that he had at home in his nightstand drawer was going to help him with that unless Sakura or his parents stopped him but he doubted they would even care. It was still raining but at this point he didn't give a shit, so he just walked through it and let it soak his clothes.

He watched the cars on the street as they drove by and glared at the thought of all of the people who had a better life than he did. In his mind, he hated them. He hated them because they had what they wanted, but what did he have, a broken heart and a family that didn't want anything to do with him? It isn't exactly something that encouraged anyone to want to live. Shaking his head he headed back to his apartment not giving anything else another thought.

This could be it...

"Come on Ino!" Sakura yelled at her friend as they ran up to the apartment Sakura stayed in.

It was still raining and at the moment the rain had gotten a lot heavier compared to when they were at the coffee house. Sakura managed to unlock the door quickly and push it open so they both could rush inside, but as she shut the door behind her, a small white envelope fell to the floor near a table that sat by the front door, but in her haste to enter her home she didn't notice it.

Ino went to grab two towels so they could dry off as Sakura went to her room to get a change of clothes for each of them. She grabbed a pair of black sweats and a pink shirt for her, and a pair of gray sweats and a black shirt for her friend.

After they had changed, they decided to sit in the living room to chat until the storm passed, if it ever did that is. Ino yawned as she glanced at her phone and the text she had received from her boyfriend.

"Shikamaru won't be able to pick me up, its raining heavily and he doesn't want to risk getting into a car accident."

"Well you're welcome to stay here." Sakura smiled which Ino returned.

"Thanks." She set her phone onto the coffee table and leaned back on the couch to look at her friend.

"So you never answered my question earlier." Ino smirked.

Sakura sighed and shook her head.

"Its not like I haven't thought about dating him, I just...I don't know

"Oh come on Sakura, he's a sweet guy, he may have a bad past but that doesn't mean you should just give up on him."

"I know, I know." Sakura muttered as the question kept echoing in her head.

Sasuke glanced at the bottles of beer before him on the table as he slid to the ground with one in his hand, the eviction notice he received in the male had been tossed to the floor with the rest of the mail. He leaned against the couch and removed the bottle cap before taking a swig of it and set it back on the table in his living room. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearing midnight and still no one came. Licking his dry lips, he grabbed the bottle again and downed the rest of the bottle before reaching for another one.

As he lifted it to his lips, his eyes caught the site of the metallic weapon next to the remaining beer bottles. He had it for a few years, it was to be used for protection but right now the purpose of that gun could change. His eyes were bloodshot, whether from lack of sleep or some unknown reason, he didn't seem to notice, all he focused his attention on was the clock, the gun and the beer he had in his hand.

"I've been cursed to live a life of pain and I'm suffering because of the ones I've come to know." He muttered angrily to himself.

Minutes passed as he continued to drown out his senses with countless bottles of alcohol, not only was he feeling empty but he could feel the nausea from the consumption of all the beer hit him. It wasn't long until the clock's hands reached twelve thirty, and he stood up as his blood boiled. His anger was reaching its highest peak and without thinking he flipped the coffee table over, sending the gun and all of the beer bottles to the floor.

The glass broke upon making contact with the tiled floor and Sasuke could only yell in frustration.

"What the hell did I do to deserve this?"

He grabbed a piece of the broken glass and gritted his teeth as he dug it into his arm. He dragged it upwards until he reached the crease in his arm as blood spilled from the new inflicted wound, he gritted his teeth as he felt his eyes sting with tears that he hadn't cried in a long time.

"Is this what you want from me?" He shouted at the ceiling. "Is this what you want me to do?"

He sank to his knees as he dropped the glass shard to the floor and clutched his head in his hands. The tears finally escaped his eyes as he looked up when he remembered the gun that he had. He grabbed it and placed it against his head, he felt no fear as he pressed it harder against his temple.

"I can't take it anymore!"

I can't...

"Alright, I think it's time for bed." Sakura stood up to stretch after she switched off the tv once the movie was over.

"Yeah, it's late and the rain still hasn't let up, guess you're stuck with me." Ino grinned.

"Haha. Could you check the front door and make sure its locked?" She asked the blond. "I'm going to put the dishes in the sink." She grabbed the two bowls, which previously held the soup they had eaten for dinner.

"Sure thing pinky." She laughed and jumped from the couch.

She walked over to the door but paused where her foot kicked something. She glanced down and picked up a white envelope, she turned to head into the kitchen.

"Hey Sakura." Ino called her as she walked up to her.

"Yeah?"

"I found this by the door."

She held out her hand which held the envelope and Sakura took it from her, she saw her name scribbled on the front so she flipped it over to open it. When she pulled out the slip of paper she set the envelope on the counter and unfolded the piece of paper. She glanced down to see who it was from and saw Sasuke's name at the end of it.

"It's from Sasuke."

"Well read it out loud."

"Sakura." She began as she spoke loud enough for her friend to hear. "I overheard you and Ino talking today at the coffee shop...I didn't think you were the kind of person who wouldn't want date someone like me, you know emotionally damaged." She swallowed before continuing. "The fact of the matter is, I was falling for you and I really thought you would be the one to save me, but I guess I was wrong."

"Go on." Ino urged her and she briefly noticed the tears in her friends eyes.

"You might change your mind but I'll probably be gone by the time you do. I will be at my apartment tonight and just after midnight, it will all be over." Sakura's eyes widened. "If you do want me, you can try to stop me from possibly making the biggest mistake of my life, but if you don't, just let me die."

"Oh my god!" Sakura yelled as she glanced at the clock, it was already passed midnight.

Ino who already knew what she was going to do rushed to grab the keys to her friends car and they both bolted from the apartment. Ino decided she would drive since Sakura was in the middle of a panic attack.

"Hurry up!" Sakura yelled at her as Ino fumbled with the keys.

When she finally started the engine she sped off down the road as she followed Sakura's directions to get to Sasuke's place. She held her hands together to silently pray to herself and clenched her eyes shut.

Please Sasuke!

It felt like forever for her, but when they finally arrived at Sasuke's apartment, Sakura ran from the car and sprinted to Sasuke's front door. She heard yelling inside as she forced her way in and Sasuke turned to the source just as his finger pulled the trigger.

"SASUKE!" She screamed as blood splattered everywhere and his body tumbled to the floor. "NO!"

Sakura ran over to him and lifted him up into her arms as his blood seeped into her clothes, his eyes were closed as he lay in her arms unmoving. She cradled his head against her chest as she ignored the blood that continued to spill from his body. Ino ran inside and she covered her mouth as a gasp escaped her lips.

"Call 911!" Sakura yelled, but she knew better. She knew he would never open his eyes again.

Ino didn't hesitate to call as Sakura let out uncontrollable sobs. Ino jumped when three other people ran into the apartment she turned to them and noticed it was a female and two males. The younger male wore a pair of blue jeans and a black shirt, the older man dressed in a brown suit without the jacket which left him in the white shirt. The woman wore a black shirt with black dress pants and when she entered she ran to Ino.

"Where is Sasuke?"

Ino looked at her as tears came to her eyes before she glanced at her best friend who was still holding Sasuke in a tight embrace. The woman followed her gaze and her eyes widened before running over to them. She knelt down as Sakura cried out for him.

"Sasuke please don't leave me!"

She pulled him close before leaning away to stare down at his face. Without thinking she pressed her lips to his and her heart ached knowing he would never be able to return it. When she moved away from his lips, she turned to look at the woman who had come running over to her as tears fell down her cheeks

"Why did he do this?" Sakura cried out.

But she knew...it was a question that wouldn't be answered.

They say that loved ones who have passed on can still hear the voices of the living. Even if they are far away, our voices will carry on to the afterlife, where hopefully they will get our message. Visiting their grave can increase the chance of them hearing what you want to say to them and I just hope my voice broke through the border between this world and the next.

After Sasuke's death, I tried to move on, I didn't start dating again until a year after his funeral. But even then, no one could fill the hole that was left after he died. Now its been five years since then and I visit his grave everyday with my four year old son, who I adopted a year ago. I named him Sasuke because I want Sasuke's name to carry on so he would never be forgotten, we live in a two bedroom apartment with our new puppy and kitten. I am a single mother still looking for that one guy, but I don't think I will find him.

Because Sasuke was the one...

And even if he is no longer part of this world...

I can still feel him in my heart...

Everyone wants to be someone else.
It's hard to love when you can't love yourself...

A/N So...did it suck? I think it did... *sigh* oh well, I was bored and in a very sour mood, hope you guys don't hate me for writing this, especially the ending. :(

Please read and review and let me know what you think.