Title: Murder Rehab
Rating: PG-13
Character(s): John Hart
Summary: John Hart is in murder rehab when a newbie arrives declaring to have killed Ianto Jones.
Warnings: CRACK, some Gwen bashing
Disclaimer: Torchwood and all associated characters belong to RTD and BBC.
A/N: This came to me while I was in the shower at 2am and thus does not make me responsible for anything that may occur after reading this.
A loud clang shook John Hart from his sleep and he sat up with a grunt, rubbing his eyes. The lights had gone out hours ago, but his cell was near the entrance and if he peered closely through the bars, he could make out faint figures in the hall beyond.
Then the door opened and John didn't have to squint any more.
"You can't keep me here!"
From all around came the rustle of blankets and sleepy grunts as the inmates were jolted from their sleep by the shout.
"You can't keep me here! Do you know who I am?"
"Oi, will you shut up!" Chris from two cells down bellowed, earning a rap against his cell door by the guard.
Two guards came into view, holding between them a stout, slightly plump man who was struggling furiously to get free.
"I have powers you can never imagine!" he shouted to the guards and the room at large, digging his heels uselessly into the floor. "I can kill with a word!"
Another nutter.
"I killed them! For drama! And ratings! And I broke up the most popular fictional gay television couple! ME! I'm the reason Jack left Earth! He owes me his manpain!"
Definitely insane, but probably not a psychopath. What were they doing with him in murder rehab?
"You will not stop me!" the man continued to shout. "I will kill them all. Owen, Tosh and Ianto were only the first in line! Rhys will be next! Then Andy! And Swanson! The whole of Cardiff! The world! Then Jack and Gwen can be together! FOREVER!
"You cannot stop me! NEVER! EVER! There are only nine hysterical women and they shall never win, not while I still breathe! Let them watch Supernatural and read poetry! Drama shall rule! I am king of plots and character development! Soon all shall love and worship me and my Gwen! For I am the great–!"
John never got to know who the great whoever was as his sentence ended in a shriek as the guards forced him into maximum security. He could still hear him screech as they tried to force him into a straightjacket.
"I always win. Drama shall rule! There will be character assassinations! Manpain! Angst! Gwack! The world will one day–"
John rolled his eyes and turned over in his bunk. Nutters like this never lasted long. Not in murder rehab anyway. They always ended up diagnosed as insane and locked up away in an asylum. And this one was definitely bonkers. No way Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper and Ianto Jones were dead. He was here because of them. Bloody Torchwood.
Fin
Real person fiction? Me, insult RTD? Nevah!
Written because I cannot take any more of "Jack's unstated love for Gwen Cooper".
Happy Belated B'day, Ianto!