Weekly fic challenge with KirasTastefulTragedy; WEEK #6: MPREG. This oneshot is meant to be humorous and cracky; not to be taken seriously! This is a side fic of my Reno/Cloud story, Crash, though it can stand alone by itself.

WARNINGS: None, really. Language, but no lemons or limes.

I do not own the characters nor do I plan to make money from this story; it's just for fun.

"Oh, Gaia."

Reno slumped over the toilet as he finally finished vomiting for the millionth time that day. Only dry heaves were left, along with a ravenous hunger like he had never felt before. Hell, it seemed like he had already eaten everything in the kitchen. He flushed the toilet then gathered up enough strength to make his way over to the bathroom sink to wash his hands and brush his teeth. Even the toothbrush made him gag, a warning sign that he would lose it all over again.

He rinsed out his mouth then tossed his toothbrush back onto the counter. He walked to the full-length mirror and turned sideways. Placing his hands on his hips, he turned this way and that. If someone would have walked in on him, they probably would have thought that Reno was checking out his own ass. He wasn't, though. There was something quite off-kilter with the way his abdomen had started to round slightly, becoming taut and a little less pudgy.

Correction: the pudginess was still there. And even more so now. It was just a little less flabby.

He sighed heavily and tossed on an old, loose t-shirt, eager to see what Rude was making them for dinner that evening. When he opened the bathroom door, his senses were assaulted with the scent of something frying. As he made his way to the kitchen, he heard and felt his stomach growl. Rude stood over the stove top, deep-frying what seemed to him like an endless amount of fried chocobo. Reno plopped down at the table and groaned.

"Yo, you need to hurry up, partner. Shit, man - I ain't got all day," Reno said, propping his feet up on the table and kicking back in his chair.

Rude threw him a stern look. "Feet off the table," he said. "Dinner will be ready in a moment."

"Sheesh, alright already," Reno replied, putting his feet back onto the floor. He folded his hands and rested them unconsciously on his lower stomach, then jerked his hands away when he noticed. Minutes later, Rude was setting a plate full of the fried chocobo in front of him, and his mouth watered for the first bite. He just knew it was going to taste like heaven. Rude smirked and sat down in a chair opposite Reno and watched as the red-headed Turk snatched a chocobo leg from the plate and chomped down on it quickly.

"Ah! Hot!" he screamed, almost flinging the chocobo leg across the room. It landed on the edge of the table instead, and Rude coughed into his fist to stifle a laugh. "That's not funny!" Reno exclaimed, growling underneath his breath in curses low enough to where Rude couldn't make them out. He got up from the table and walked over to the refrigerator to get a bottle of ice-cold water to soothe the burn. Tears flooded his eyes as he walked, his vision becoming blurry and his footsteps rather unstable. "Why you gotta laugh at me, yo?" he sniffled, hiding his face.

"You're the one who can't wait, Reno. It's not my fault you're acting like a pregnant woman."

Reno stopped cold in his tracks, his hand stilled on the refrigerator door handle. He mentally added up the list of things that he had been experiencing with his body. Was Shinra that fucked up enough to where they could have possibly injected him with some kind of weird shit to make him get pregnant, or perhaps a special kind of surgery? Not likely, because he didn't remember having to go through any special procedures when he joined the company years ago. Turks weren't like SOLDIERs, who had been popping out children once every few months, thanks to Professor Hojo and his team of cronies who enjoyed experimenting to the max. Most recently, Cloud Strife delivered twin boys to add to his brood of five borne by Zack, and there was rumor that the infants were the offspring of no one other than Rufus Shinra himself.

"Yo, Rude… I…" Reno trailed off, not sure how to finish his sentence. Internally, he was being plagued by thoughts of mini-Renos running wild and pulling each others' hair, a regular football team's worth of toddlers all trying to get his attention at once. Externally, his face drained of all its color as he looked at Rude.

"…" Rude had nothing to say, but stood up from the table and grabbed a pen and a notebook from a desk drawer, then sat back down. "Sit," he ordered Reno. Forgetting about his scorched mouth, he slumped down into a chair beside Rude and held his head in his hands. Rude sighed and began to write out columns. One side was dedicated to dates; the other side to people. "How long have you been feeling like this, Reno?"

"Um, second week of January. Yeah. Two months ago," Reno replied.

Rude wrote down January, then lifted an eyebrow. "Who was the last person?" he asked. Reno blanched.

"Uh…"

"…"

"Don't look at me like that, Rude! I've got the goods, you know! The guys just love me, and I love them! I never say no to a good lay!" Reno exclaimed, holding his hands up. "Um, but I think possibly the last person was Cloud. Or it might have been Genesis. Um… Tseng, too, actually. And do you remember that one really hot guy who tried to get into the Turks last December? Him, too. But I don't remember his name."

"You mean to tell me that you've let all of them take you up the ass? Reno, I know you better than that. You're more of a giver than a taker. Tell the truth now," Rude prodded, a smirk on his face. "And what about me?"

"…What about you?"

"First week of February when we were on the mission in Kalm. You and I in the woods?" Rude reminded him. A look of realization washed over Reno's face.

"Ohhhh! Oh yeah, I remember. I let you do me in the ass because of a bet I lost, right?"

"…"

"Best bet I ever lost, yeah, partner?" Reno quipped, elbowing Rude playfully in the side.

"…So did you really let anyone else fuck you in the ass?" Rude continued, ignoring Reno's playfulness. He really wanted to get to the bottom of this.

"…Yes."

"Tell me the truth. Who else was it really?"

"…I can't tell you that. Sorry, partner. My lips are sealed," Reno said, blushing and turning away.

"You have to tell me, that way we can notify the true father if it turns out that I'm not the father. Child support and all that," Rude explained.

"…Child support? Fuckin'-A, Rude! Look, maybe I'm just getting a little fat, yo! Maybe I've been a little too emotional lately, and…" Reno's voice cracked and he choked back a sob as he tried to finish his sentence. "…God damn it, Rude! I just wanted some fucking fried chocobo!" He looked longingly over at the plate of slowly-cooling food and buried his face in his hands. "I don't care if it's a leg, a thigh, whatever! Just let me eat my chocobo in peace!" He whined and stood up, kicking his chair halfway across the kitchen. "Just let me eat!"

"Damn it, Reno. Who else slipped you the big one?" Rude said sternly, losing patience with his longtime partner.

Reno crossed his arms and huffed. "…Tifa."

It was Rude's turn to feel faint. "Excuse me?"

"Tifa-fuckin'-Lockheart! You heard me right! She's got a dick bigger than yours and Sephiroth's put together! That's right, Rude. Are you happy now? She's gonna fuckin' kill me when she finds out that I've told you!" Reno said, throwing his hands up in the air and walking away.

"I don't believe it," Rude said quietly. "She's… She's even more of a dream woman than I ever realized." He practically drooled just thinking of Tifa doing him in the ass. He loved that woman so much, with her large jugs... and oh, gods - she was a hermaphrodite to boot!

Reno shook his head and threw himself face-down on the couch. "She's going to fucking chop my dick off," he mumbled, moaning into the couch cushion.

"Hey..."

A soft voice called out to him from somewhere far off. He knew this voice… Where was it coming from?

"Reno."

"Huh?"

"Reno!"

Reno opened one eye. Cloud stared back at him with a worried expression. "Wake up, Reno. Are you okay?" he asked. Reno shot up in bed and looked around him at his surroundings. He peeked underneath the covers at his nude body, raking a hand quickly across his belly.

"Cloud? Guys can't get pregnant, right? Not even in Shinra?" he asked.

"No. Reno, are you feeling alright?"

Reno let out a huge sigh of relief. It was the worst nightmare he had ever had. Even the one he had had about taking Barret Wallace up the ass paled in comparison to this one.

Tifa's true anatomy, though, still made him curious. He would not be touching that with a ten-inch dick, though.