Alan gets criticised for being precocious, but maybe there's a reason for that...

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I'm the 'baby' of the family. No matter what I do, I'll always be the baby. Little Alan, let's all have a good laugh. Let's see how far we can push little Alan today. Sure it pisses me off royally. What can I do? If I say anything it just makes them worse. So I'm an astronaut and a champion race car driver at the age of 21. It's not like I'm a child prodigy for Gosh sakes. I can't speak languages like John, I can't play Tchaikovsky concertos at the drop of a hat like Virgil. I just had the opportunity to do a few things that other guys my age don't get to do.

Sure I can pilot Thunderbird 1, but so can all the guys. John- John of all people- itches to get into that baby sometimes. John gets the urge to go fast just for the sense of freedom it gives him, and no-one ever gives him a hard time. I pilot Scott's crate when I get asked. I don't take it for blasted joyrides.

Why do I even feel the need to defend myself?

I'm sorry I was born last. I'm sorry for what happened to mom. I'm sorry for all of that, but I can't change any of it. I can't change one thing. Don't you think I would if I could? Don't you think I'd give anything to have known my mother? I haven't got a single memory. Not one. She couldn't even stick around that long. Dammit mom.

Okay- I'll admit it. I'm an Angry Young Man. Not all the time, but I'm aware of it and I don't like it. What gets me going is this.

Scott had mom for nine years. Nine years is almost a decade. He can talk about the time she drove him to the hospital for stitches in his knee after he fell out of a tree house. How she stood in A&E and bawled at someone to come take care of her boy before he bled to death. I wish I had a memory like that. Dad has been the best dad any guy could want, but dad can wave his money to get noticed if he has to. I never had a mom to protect and defend me the way that only a mom can, with the fierce persistence and devotion of a lioness with her cubs.

Scott had a mom. Scott had a mom and a dad and little brothers who adored him and maybe he even had his own goddamned dog who followed him around and worshipped him too. Scott had everything he needed.

Sometimes I hate you, Scott, but it's not real hate. It's just an irrational feeling of bitter frustration that you had the chance to know her and I didn't. But I love you too, and get this, for exactly the same reason. Isn't that something? It's a terrible position to be in. If I could just be you, that would solve all my stupid problems in one go. But I can't be you. I wouldn't even know how to be you. You're my role model, but I can't spend my whole life trying to be you, no matter how extraordinary you are. I need to try to be me.

If only I didn't have to try so hard.