Okay….so it's a rainy day, I'm watching Food Network, and…I suddenly got this idea. I couldn't get this one-shot out of my head, so here it is. Bit of fun Relena fluff. XD

Events take place after Advent Children.

Square Enix owns all, I own nothing except my ideas and warped sense of humor.

Please read and review, and I hope you enjoy! xoxoxo

It was a quiet day in the office for the Turks, and each member of the once-elite force was sitting in the office, doing their best to keep from falling asleep from boredom. Tseng was keeping himself busy meditating and doing yoga in his office, Rude was reading an auto magazine, Elena was doodling on a note pad, while Reno's main entertainment seemed to be to torment Elena. First with paper airplanes, which never missed their mark – her hair. "Reno!" she hissed, when the first one hit, and remained stuck in the back of her head. "Seriously – can't you just read a magazine or something, like Rude?"

"Eh, lighten up, Laney!" Reno shot back, grinning. "Just trying to keep things light, yo. This place has gotten boooooring." Indeed, since Sephiroth was vanquished – for the second time – and Rufus ShinRa seemed determined to redefine the Turks, and the ShinRa name at large as 'kinder and gentler', it felt like things had ground to a halt for the Turks. They still reported to work and clocked in every day, still drew a salary from Rufus, but, had very little to do at the moment.

Recently, Rufus had purchased several television networks, and had called upon his loyal Turks to help him get things off the ground. Tseng accepted this new direction with his usual quiet agreement; Reno and Rude protested mightily, saying they knew nothing about it, while Elena felt she should be glad she still had a job with the Turks, and figured she would just follow orders as usual. Even if they weren't exactly the type of orders any of the Turks were used to receiving.

Reno decided the paper airplanes weren't eliciting enough of a reaction from Elena, so he decided to move onto spitballs, to see if that would get more of a rise out of her. Placing a straw in his mouth, he loaded the other end with a spitball, and took aim at Elena – just as she rose out of her chair. Reno moved his head, trying to line up the straw with his intended target, and just as he thought he had her face in his sights again, launched the spitball. It hit Elena squarely on her left breast. "Dammit, Reno!" she exclaimed, as she saw the spitball land and stick to her white blouse.

"Shit, Elena, sorry!" apologized Reno, getting up from his desk and grabbing a handful of tissues. "I was trying to hit you in the face, and you moved!" he complained.

"Sorry to ruin your plans," Elena retorted. She jumped back as she saw Reno take the wadded up tissues and attempt to dab at the spitball. "What are you DOING!" she shouted.

"Trying to help, yo!" snapped Reno. "I know how particular you are about your appearance," he continued, "so I'm trying to clean it up. Hold on, Laney, you need to like, dampen that with water, it's stuck."

Elena grimaced. "Uh, I can handle this, Reno, thank you—" She was cut off by Reno suddenly dumping a small styrofoam cup of water over the spot where the spitball had landed. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" she screamed as the cold water hit her, and despite her annoyance with Reno's incessant teasing, the fact that his eyes were entirely focused on her left breast at the moment was turning her on, and causing her to blush. Reno was irritating the hell out of her, to be sure, but she was secretly flattered by his attentions… although she'd never admit it to him.

Rude hid behind his magazine, stifling a laugh. Really, he thought, they should just get a room and be done with it. The sexual tension between those two is obvious to everyone but them.

Tseng cocked an eyebrow toward them, after Elena's outburst. "Do you two need a time out from each other?" he inquired, rolling his eyes. "Honestly—" Tseng was interrupted by the intercom on his desk buzzing. "Tseng, pick up," came the voice of Rufus ShinRa.

Immediately, Tseng picked up the phone to listen. "Yes, sir?" began Tseng. "Okay. I'll tell the others, we'll be up there in five minutes." Hanging up, he turned to the Turks and said, "That was Rufus. He wants to see us in his office, so we'd better get going now. And please try to behave yourselves," Tseng added, glaring at Reno.

"What'd I do now?" grumbled Reno. "Come on guys, let's go. Hey Laney," he continued, "sorry about your shirt, yo." He glanced down at the wet spot that Elena was dabbing at frantically with a paper towel, as they exited the office. "Um, Laney? " he began.

"What now, Reno," Elena replied coldly .

"I don't think the leopard bra underneath a white shirt was a good idea, yo," he smirked.

Elena, horrified, looked down to see that Reno was exactly right. Her leopard print bra was fully visible underneath her now-wet shirt, which was clinging wetly to the sexy undergarment. "I—it was the first thing I grabbed this morning, I didn't look—obviously –oh, just stick it up your ass, Reno!" she stammered irritably.

Reno just smiled and shoved his hands in his pockets, not saying a word, as the four of them reached Rufus' office.

"What do you suppose this is about, Rude?" Reno asked.

"No clue," replied Rude. "Hey, maybe we're going to get some real assignments now, like old times!" Rude brightened. "You know, murder, kidnapping, spying…"

"Now you're talking, partner!" crowed Reno. "I like the way you think. I hope that's on Rufus' agenda today, then."

The four Turks reached Rufus' office, and knocked. "Come in," came Rufus' voice from behind the door. As they entered, Rufus stood up and walked over to greet them. "Please, have a seat," he directed everyone over to his sitting area where a black leather sectional sofa hugged the wall adjacent to a window. Each of the Turks took a seat, Reno deliberately sitting next to Elena. She was still glaring at him as she zipped up her jacket to conceal her still-wet shirt. Reno merely sat there and winked at Elena. Rude and Tseng, observing this whole exchange, caught each other's gaze, and sighed, rolling their eyes. The two were well aware of Reno and Elena's cat and mouse game, and thought the two should just admit their attraction to each other, before they drove each other – and the remaining Turks – insane.

Rufus sat in a large leather recliner, facing the group. "I'm sure you're wondering why I've summoned all of you up here," Rufus began. He sat back in his chair, hands folded across his lap.

Reno interjected, "Well, we're hoping you've got an assignment for us, sir, we're ready to work!" The other Turks nodded silently in agreement, and looked toward Rufus to hear what he had to say next.

Rufus smiled, "I do indeed have an assignment for you," he said. "As you know, I've recently acquired some television networks…"

Oh no, thought Reno, not this shit again. A few weeks ago, Reno had been called upon to run the teleprompter during the evening newscast, and the prospect of doing that again was anything but thrilling to him. The other Turks had also been tasked with other similar job details; Tseng and Rude had both shared cameraman duties, and Elena had worked on the lighting in the studio. They all found these tasks so boring though, that they had begged out of having to do them again, under the guise of asking Rufus to give the jobs to "some deserving citizens." Rufus had agreed, and found some highly qualified individuals to fill the needed positions, so the Turks thought they were safe from having to return to working in the television studio again.

Until today. Rufus continued, "Things are going well with our news network, as you know; however, there are some other areas where I'd like to expand our programming. This is where you come in," he said, glancing at each of the Turks seated opposite him.

Oh gods, thought Elena. What are we in for now? Shesighed in frustration, ever so slightly, and softly enough so that Rufus wouldn't hear it. But Reno did, sitting as he was right next to her. Heh, he thought, Elena's about as excited about this as the rest of us are. That is to say, not at all.

"So what I thought I'd do," Rufus went on, "in an attempt to make the Turks more…accessible to the public, is to give you your own show."

The room fell silent for a moment. "But, sir?" began Tseng. "None of us have…any sort of experience with this sort of thing. Don't you think you'd be better off trying this with…professionals?"

Holding his hand up to silence Tseng's concerns, Rufus firmly stated, "No, let's try doing this my way first, shall we? I think it'll work, and we accomplish two objectives; first, my main objective of making the Turks more accessible to the public – 'softening' your image, so to speak, as well as giving you something constructive and useful to do."

Reno and Rude grumbled at Rufus's mentioning of 'softening' their image. "So, uh…what does this mean for us, then?" inquired Reno. "Are you going to make television stars out of us?" He sat back and laughed.

Smiling, Rufus nodded his head. "Yes. You'll each be getting your own television shows, actually," he explained. "Now, look, I know – you all have concerns about your lack of experience in this area, so we're going to ease you all into this, so you'll be working in pairs to start. Tseng, you and Rude will be working together on a how-to television program, and it will revolve around building and modifying cars."

"All right!" Rude interjected happily. "Sorry, sir," he said apologetically, as the other Turks looked at him in surprise after his uncharacteristic outburst. "It sounds like a good match for myself and Tseng, though, I'm looking forward to it." Tseng nodded in agreement. "Yes," he said thoughtfully, "that sounds like it might actually work."

"Good," said Rufus. "I'm glad we see eye to eye on this. Now, Reno and Elena, you'll be working together—"

Yes! Reno cheered silently. Any chance he could get to work closely with Elena was always met with enthusiasm by the redheaded Turk.

"—on a cooking show," concluded Rufus.

Reno cocked an eyebrow quizzically. "Excuse me sir, a-what?" asked Reno, frowning. "I mean, that ain't going to work – I don't cook, Laney here doesn't cook—"

"Actually," Rufus interrupted, "Elena is a trained chef. Didn't you know that, Reno?"

Reno turned to Elena with a questioning look. "Elena, really? When did that happen?"

Elena rolled her eyes at Reno impatiently. "It happened in another life…obviously, before I became a Turk. I went to culinary school, graduated with honors, and I worked in that field for a while. I was damned good at it, too," she concluded, confidently.

"Hey, that's cool, yo," Reno replied. "Actually, I think it's kind of sexy." He winked at Elena, which caused her to blush ever so slightly. "But I don't remember reading that in your file—"

"You read my FILE?" blurted Elena. "How dare you-"

"If I could continue?" interrupted Rufus, who was becoming irritated with the bickering. "As I was saying—"

"Yeah, I looked at your file, some of it, anyway," Reno whispered to Elena. "I was hoping to find out your bra size." He bit his lip to keep from laughing, as Elena quickly jabbed him in the gut with her elbow.

"As I was saying," droned Rufus, "you two will appear on a cooking show. Elena, obviously, will do the 'heavy lifting' so to speak. You, Reno, will be her assistant."

"Her assistant?" Reno spat. "Are you serious? Look, nothing against Elena or anything, yo, but cooking ain't my forte. Can't I have a show with Rude?" he whined.

"No," Rufus replied firmly.

"I know what Rude and I could do," Reno continued, as if not even hearing Rufus, "we could have a show where we blow shit up. We could call it….Reno and Rude Blow Shit Up!" Reno concluded triumphantly, sitting back on the couch with arms folded, and looking fairly pleased with himself.

"No, Reno," Rufus repeated. "That's hardly the 'kinder and gentler' image we're going after here," he said dryly. "Now look. We'll try this out, and if it doesn't work, then…we'll regroup and find something else more suitable. You and Elena have always worked well together as Turks, so I'm sure you will continue to do the same in a different…arena."

"So, it's settled then," said Rufus, leaning back in his chair. "Taping begins tomorrow. Rude and Tseng, you report to Studio D, and Reno and Elena, report to Studio B. Oh, and before you go—" Rufus leaned forward and shoved a folder toward each seated Turk – "here are your scripts. Go over them tonight, you don't need to memorize them one hundred percent, as you'll have teleprompters. But do familiarize yourself with the material, please," he concluded.

"Okay then," began Tseng, getting up, "we'll be going now, and….hopefully all will go well tomorrow. Thank you, sir."

"Yeah, thanks," said Reno dryly. The remaining Turks exchanged pleasantries with Rufus, and followed but Reno and Tseng to the elevators.

"Man, how cool is this, Tseng?" exclaimed Rude. Tseng grinned. Elena and Reno shot each other a look – Rude was never this animated. Ever.

"Yeah, well, you lucked out, Rude," complained Reno. "I'm going to be stuck playing Susie Homemaker with Elena."

"Now wait a minute here!" Elena snapped. "Susie Homemaker? Could you be any more insulting? I mean really, Reno. I am a damned good chef, and if we have to work together like this, could you try to not be an asshole?" She understood that Reno was frustrated, but she wasn't about to let him undermine her, either.

"Hold on, Laney, hold on," assured Reno. "It's nothing against you, really. It's just that…this cooking thing ain't my bag. You'll see."

Elena flinched as she ran through a hundred what-could-go-wrong scenarios in her head. Oh gods, she thought. I am screwed. So screwed.

A/N: So….that's it for chapter 1! What'd you think so far? I smell…disaster ahead in the kitchen. o_O This will probably be no more than a two chapter deal, but still a one-shot. Oh, and I'm kind of living vicariously through Elena in this fic, since I really am a trained chef. Heh. =)