Disclaimer: Nobody's mine and we all know it.

The first time I lost a case, I nearly fainted from shock.

It was a drug case, an easy win, but the police had bungled the evidence. And I was ready to kill somebody.

I'd never lost at anything in my life before, because everything that I did, I was good at. Of course, it could have gone the other way; if I wasn't good at something, I simply didn't do it.

After I lost that case and went to complain to my boss about the incompetency of the NYPD, he raised an eyebrow and said, "Let that be a lesson to you, Alexandra. You can't always win." But he couldn't quite suppress his smirk, that cocky Alex Cabot had benn brought down a peg or two.

And from that day on, I swore I would never lose a trial again.

I spent hours preparing, double and triple checking to make sure the evidence was solid. I went to sleep murmuring closing arguments and evidence floated in and out of my dreams. Whenever I wasn't 100% sure I could win a case, I would plea it out, and by virtue of that, I ended winning every single case. And then of course, whenever I offered a plea, the defence would take it, figuring I'd wipe the floor with them otherwise. Things worked out nicely for me, as they always had.

But then it occurred to me that I didn't want to win every single drug case. I didn't want to be the merciless Ice Princess. When it came to drug cases, the victims and the perpetrators were often one and the same.

So when there was an opening for SVU, I jumped at the chance. Here, it would be less about my political aspirations and more about actual justice. I'd always wanted my life to mean something and now it would. And that worked out even better.

And then came Olivia.

When I was with Olivia, I didn't care if I won or lost, and I was never self-conscious. We went out skiing one winter. I'd never skied before, and I fell flat on my face. She laughed at me for a minute before helping me to my feet. "You've never done this before?" she scoffed. "I would have thought your family had a whole ski chalet!"

I glared at her, but I was determined to learn. I got to my feet and tried again. And after six falls down a mountain that Olivia actually said was the smallest at the resort (which I thought was just ridiculous) I finally managed to go down the hill without tripping. And Olivia was so proud of me for managing to do it that I resolved never to give up on anything ever again. The old Alex Cabot wouldn't try something she wasn't sure she was good at and she wouldn't continue if she wasn't. But not anymore.

When I was with Olivia, I didn't have to be the best. I didn't even have to be good. We went to play tennis at Central Park and we were both awful at it, knocking balls into trees and bushes and once hitting an unsuspecting robin. But we spent the whole time laughing as we did so, and it was probably one of the best days I ever had.

She taught me to let go. She taught me that it was okay to be sad sometimes, or angry, or scared, and even to be feeling something and not know why. She taught me that sometimes spontaneity was just as fun as structure. She taught me that it was okay not to know things and okay to ask for help. She taught me that I wasn't perfect, but I didn't need to be, because I knew she loved me anyway.

When I was with Olivia, I felt safe. I knew that she would never hurt me and she would never let anyone else hurt me, and if they dared to try, she'd hurt them.

Until that fateful night. Her presence didn't stop me from getting shot, and that was when I discovered that she wasn't invincible. She was just human, and she couldn't always protect me. That was the scariest realization of all.

And as I was carted away, surrounded by burly Feds, the single tear that streaked down her cheek broke my heart. Because we both knew that everything we'd thought we knew for the past few years might have been nice on the surface, but it wasn't true.

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