Chapter 39: Classifying Crazy

"Williams." Ella Shepard stood a few steps back from the weapons bench where the NCO liked to work when she had downtime. Only one else down in the cargo bay was Wrex, and she didn't have to worry about him contributing to scuttlebutt if this went badly. Krogan knew how to keep his mouth shut.

Well, he'll probably tell me how I fucked up my approach, but he won't tell anyone else.

"Commander." Cool, professional. Nothing like the humorous edge they used to share before the Burns' fiasco. Not bitter, either, thanks to whatever the hell Meg had said and Williams' subsequent magical and apparently even heartfelt apology. But not friendly. Not anymore.

She's friendlier with Lex now, at least, and I never thought they'd pull that off. Ah well, I'm used to being the bogeyman. Could be worse.

"As you were, Chief," Ella nodded at the bench, waiting 'til Williams finished putting her tools away and settling back down before continuing. "I'm going to need you with me on the ground soon."

"Me?" The soldier's nostrils flared, very slightly, but she refrained from doing or saying anything potentially unprofessional. "Really? Ma'am? That seems," her mouth tightened, clamping shut on whatever she'd almost said. Probably something particularly vulgar that we could have laughed about together before she met the Butcher.

"It seems imperative to Alliance Command that no one outside the Corps gets to see this particular goatfuck, Chief. Which means you, me, and Alenko."

The slightest of eyebrow raises made Ashley's next question obvious, even though she didn't actually open her mouth and ask why the hell they were sending the Butcher out again, then, rather than one of the other Commanders.

"The Admiral has informed me that the odd signal we've been tracking? Is from former-Major Kyle. They're hoping he won't shoot me out of hand, as they rather suspect happened to the last group of Alliance officers who attempted to talk to him. Familiarity, and all that."

Williams' soft snort suggested she'd finished that old phrase with it's usual suffix. Ah, fuck, I am bad at the talking. Why are they making me talk? I do not talk nice. I shoot things. "Shit. That didn't come out well, did it." Ella tilted her head slightly, scowling at the NCO. "Can we start this conversation over? Yes? Ok." Blunt. I am much better at blunt. Let's go with that. "I need your help, and I promise you and Alenko are more important than the crazy biotic cultists, so I won't shoot at you."

"He wasn't more important than the last crazy biotic group."

"I knew he could handle it, they hadn't killed anyone yet, and I don't like cleaning up for the politicians. This one, though, don't think I'll have so many options." My fault. My mess. No good choices left. Ella felt the weight of her eyelids as she blinked, slowly, waiting for the soldier's reaction.

"Huh." Williams gave her the benefit of thinking about it, seriously, rather than rattling something off impulsively. "Alright. Ma'am. Never let it be said I wouldn't watch a fellow marine's six. Regardless of," she trailed off, shrugged. "Regardless."

"Thank you, Williams." Ella nodded once, brusquely. "We should hit Hawking Eta early tomorrow. Be ready to drop." She turned and retreated to the elevator, and the crew deck, and any distraction she could find. No thinking about tomorrow. Or yesterday. That way lies crying like a baby. Hard to shoot things with tears in your eyes. Dear God, don't make me have to shoot him. Please.

"I served with him at Torfan."

A simple phrase into a call box. Got them in the compound. Got them face to face. But oh, his eyes. They weren't the eyes she remembered. They didn't smile. They didn't wink. They hated.

She'd done that to him.

Her choices.

His voice was different too. Not smooth and commanding, no more control, half-dead. He called her Butcher.

Butcher

Commander

Not Shepard

Not Ella

Never again

But she made herself keep talking, made herself listen to that same slow dead voice, until finally, finally she found something that made his mouth ease, not a smile, not quite, but a softening, just a little, just enough to make him look alive.

"What kind of father lets his children die?" She could hear her own voice shaking, trying desperately to find the man she used to know. The man she used to love. The Corps. Her Major. He hadn't been able to handle his troops dying on Torfan. Couldn't bear that I killed them. That was how this started. Maybe it was how it could end, too? Don't let them die. No more dying.

There was a flash of ... something, in his eyes. He didn't forgive her. Couldn't forgive her. But maybe he understood?

And then she had to leave him there. Hope she was right. Hope he'd turn himself in. Hope his word still meant something.

Fifth Fleet's problem

Not mine

Never again

Her throat was on fire. Her chest ached, her stomach twisting in knots as they approached the Mako. Pretending she couldn't see the frown between Williams' eyebrows, hear the worry in Alenko's voice. "I'm fine, Chief. Lieutenant."

Brown eyes, worried, confused, angry

Brown eyes, compassionate, quiet, waiting

Nausea

Regret

Not fine

Never again

"Shepard? What the hell are you doing here?"

Alenko visibly winced at Joker's tone, but he looked just as surprised to see her as the loud-mouthed pilot. "Are you sure you want to?" Alenko stuttered slightly over his words, "I mean, we can cover here without you, ma'am."

"I know you two geniuses think you can handle anything and everything," Ella's nonchalant tone was belied by her white-knuckle grip on her coffee mug, "but I am Nav-on-deck for this shift. Which you both already knew, so cut the schtick."

"But we are geniuses, Commander, and we've done this relay jump before. No Nav required. Seriously. You don't have to be here." Joker leaned slightly forward in his chair. Uncomfortably attempting to be nice?

"Are you telling me what to do, Flight Lieutenant?" Ella knew she was overreacting, but snarling felt better than anything else since the name Kyle had passed Admiral Hackett's lips in their briefing, and she'd realized she was going to have to face her former CO. And his fucking commune.

"Course not, ma'am." The damn pilot wasn't at all intimidated. "But successfully completing a mission without a shot being fired is generally cause for celebration." Out of the corner of her eye, Ella saw Alenko blanch at Joker's comment. She'd never actually seen anyone do that before; had just come across the phrase in one of Meg's historical novels when she'd been bored enough to try to read the damn thing. "It does not, usually, inspire puking and swearing and stomping through the CIC like you regret not aiming a shotgun at someone's face."

"How?" Ella's glare switched to Alenko but before she could even get her question out, Joker kept going, his voice still obnoxiously light and calm.

"Don't blame Alenko. Or go in search of Williams. You forgot to turn your comm off."

"Fuck," she breathed out softly, the tangled knot of anger and despair she hadn't been able to get rid of finally loosening its grip on her gut and sliding away on a wave of embarrassment. I lost my lunch over the comms for everyone to hear. Why the hell didn't my girls warn me? Double fuck. Realizing she'd been rubbing her forehead above her eyebrows, she dropped her hand back down to her side.

"Well, hell, now I'm embarrassed."

"Don't be ma'am. Cut the feed for you. Don't think anyone besides me heard it. Well, the ground team obviously had front row seats, but that's it."

Damn, now he's embarrassed. I am such a bitch. "Thank you, Lieutenant," Ella muttered softly, before settling slowly into the chair at the nav-duty station, placing her mug carefully on the flat console beside her.

"You never answered my question, Shepard." Joker continued relentlessly. "Why are you here, when you don't really need to be?"

"Sitting in the mess or kicking Lex out of the CO's cabin to brood is such a better idea than working? Just shut it, Moreau, and let me find something to do, alright?"

"Aye, aye ma'am. See if you can find me a better route than standard, then. Lots and lots of boring numbers to distract you there, Commander."

"Numbers are not boring. Philistine," she sniffed in disdain.

"Oooh, fancy word." Joker whistled at her. "Didn't know you had it in you ma'am."

Ella shrugged. "Stole it from Lex," she muttered.

"Who'd the Commander call a philistine?" Alenko asked, smiling slightly.

Ella and Joker shared a quick glance, both trying not to grin. Alenko was becoming rather predictable regarding the subject of Alexis Shepard.

"That would've been me right after we met." Ella sighed with relief, glad the dynamic duo weren't trying to get her to go away and rest anymore. "Until she needed me to help tutor her in math for our entrance exams. She helped me with the history, and Meg devoured every book and book-file she could find in the Dungeon, so between the three of us we were one genius recruit."

"Dungeon?" Alenko and Joker asked almost simultaneously.

"Alliance Accelerated Biotic Training Course. Part of the interim program between BAaT and Ascension. We were in lockdown for just over a year somewhere over Elysium." She shook her head slightly at the memory. "Holy hell, but I missed sunshine. And fresh air." She looked around the cockpit as she picked her coffee up again. "And then I did my damnedest to get a shipboard posting and stay there. I am obviously crazy."

"Could've told you that, Commander," Joker winked.

"Because the lunatics always recognize each other?" Ella raised her eyebrows in amusement, her lips curving around the edge of her mug as she took a sip.

"Pretty much, ma'am," Joker nodded. "Though the CO had me fooled for awhile. She's good at hiding the crazy."

"For future knowledge, Moreau, all career marines are crazy. Even Alenko there," she nodded at the sentinel as she put her mug down, "though he hides it better than anyone I've ever met. Have to be to want to put yourself out on the front line like that."

Alenko chuckled softly. "Not sure if that was intended as a compliment or not, ma'am, but I'll take it as one."

"Course it's a compliment, Lieutenant. I like the crazies. And I admire self-control. Mostly just in other people, though."

"Self-control is highly overrated." Joker claimed airily.

"Says the man who worked hard enough he put his flight instructors to shame. Liar." Ella snorted.

"That didn't require self-control. Just attitude. Attitude gets you pretty far in flight school. Flinging yourself through space and mass effect fields does not attract the calm and stable," Joker paused. "How many pilots have you met, that you haven't learned that yet?"

"Umm..." Ella thought back carefully. "Twenty-two? Do the baby-pilots-to-be at the Academy count? 'Cause then it'd be higher."

"Math nerd." Joker scoffed. "Normal people don't actually answer questions like that. Rhetorical, you know."

"Oooh, now you're using the big words. I know that one though. You're not nearly as intellectually intimidating as you think you are." She swallowed the urge to giggle. "Plus, I've been reliably informed that normal is dull."

Joker's grin as she repeated his own words back at him was irresistible, his teeth white against his beard, his green eyes flashing as she smiled back.

Alenko's helpless laughter from the other seat interrupted their staring contest. "How do you two ever get any work done?"

"What?" Ella blinked at the marine tech. "We're working. He hasn't crashed," she nodded over at Joker, "and I've got three possible alternate routes started. Don't tell me you can't keep an eye on your systems just 'cause we're talking."

"That's what you call that?" Alenko was obviously still amused, smothered laughter lightening his voice.

"Our mouths move, words come out, we take turns. That's generally called a conversation, Alenko." Joker's words seemed even faster than usual, with an odd note Ella couldn't quite interpret as he and the other Lieutenant locked glares.

"So, were you trying to get rid of me 'cause you two need some alone time? I mean, while that's something I wouldn't be adverse to watching, I am capable of some discretion if you don't want an audience." As they both turned towards her, brown and green eyes wide, she continued, "Cockpit might not be the best place for that though. Not very private." Damn, I made Alenko blush and Joker speechless. I'm good. She smothered a grin before turning back to her console.

Ella blinked in surprise, looking down at the pair of mugs resting next to Julia, then glanced around the empty mess. Huh. Grabbed two without thinking. Don't know why I thought the pilot's insomnia would always sync up with mine.

A faint shuffle-tap caused her to lift her head again. Apparently 'cause it does, she thought with a slight smile. "Pseudo-milk or pseudo-chocolate, Moreau?"

"Surprise me." The words were followed by the now familiar sounds of crutches clacking against the edge of the table as he settled down in the closest chair.

"That might be a bad idea, combining a frustrated cook, a demonic 'chef and an attempted surprise." Ella's smile broadened to a grin she shot at him over her shoulder before turning back to the menu in front of her.

"I can handle it. And if not, I know where we saved the hot chocolate recipe you figured out last week."

"That one was pretty good, wasn't it? Here's hoping, then," Ella grabbed her two full mugs and sat down, sliding one across the table and waiting expectantly.

"Oh, I'm the guinea pig this time?"

"I had a crappy day. If it's awful, I'd rather not have to find out on my own."

"Yeah, about that..."

"Drink first." Ella pointed at his mug. "Then you can ask your impertinent questions."

"Promise?"

"Apparently, yes," Ella sighed. "Sometimes, I lack sense."

"Sometimes?" Joker snickered.

"Shut up. You have to drink first."

"Yes, ma'am." Joker paused for a moment to glare down at the dark liquid in his mug. Showing either admirable bravery, or a bit too much trust in her abilities, he picked it up and took a gulp without a small-scale taste-test.

Trying not to wince, Ella waited impatiently for his reaction.

"Shit, Commander, is that wine?" He paused and blinked. "Really good hot, spicy wine?"

Relieved at his 'really good' comment, she took a sip herself, and sighed as the soothing warmth spread across her tongue and down her throat.

"Mulled," Ella corrected. "It's mulled wine. I felt in need of some alcohol tonight. It was either that or hot toddies. And rum or brandy? Probably pushing things."

"No offense, but you're as technically inclined as, oh, a rock. How'd you break the contraband lock?"

"Used a rock." Ella only kept her straight face for a moment before quirking a grin. "Command over-ride. Lex expressed some sympathy regarding my crappy day. One time use, though."

"So, yeah, crappy day?" Joker asked, his hands wrapped around his own mug, cradling it in front of his face where he could breathe in the steam. "You doing alright, Shepard?"

Ella shrugged slightly, not sure how to answer.

"Well that was quite the resounding maybe."

With a sigh, Ella set down her mug. She slid one hand up her arm, before taking off her omnitool and placing it smack in the middle of the table and glaring at it.

"The Major trained as an Infiltrator, did you know that? Genius man. Loved his tech."

"Ahh," Joker sighed softly, reaching one hand out to trace the edge of the 'tool. "Had some friends in Kassa R&D, did he?"

"Apparently."

"So, uh, why'd he'd get it for you?"

"Birthday present."

"For a vanguard? That's not very … " Joker paused, his hand waving slightly as he tried to come up with the right word. Or possibly tone down the first one he thought of …

"He was convinced that, with nice enough toys, he'd get me past the 'tech phobia' that interfered with developing my 'true potential'." Ella rolled her eyes slightly. "Damn good thing the man smuggled me a can of strawberries too, or he'd have been in trouble for the lousy present. Especially since I was stuck in med-bay and couldn't run away from his tech lessons."

"Medbay?"

"Missed a booby-trap. Cracked hip. Only kept the leg 'cause I had my barrier up."

"Ow." Joker winced sympathetically. "So, uh, you and your CO?"

"Me and the Major what?" Ella paused and stared at Joker for a moment before her eyes widened. "Oh, hell no, not like that. Ew. Man's old enough to be my," her voice cracked slightly, "my father.

"He was supposed to give me away at my wedding," she whispered.

The mug he was still holding dropped to the table, wine splashing over his hands and spreading across the table as Joker stared at her in shock. "You're married?!"

"Fuck no." Ella snickered. "Never even considered it. Hypothetical wedding."

"Oh," Joker sighed, before squinting his eyes at her. "What?"

"I'm not making much sense, am I?"

"Not really, no," Joker admitted as he grabbed a couple napkins from the dispenser in the center of the table.

"My first assignment after graduation was as the Major's aide. Clerk job on JZ." Ella frowned slightly at the memory. "I make a lousy desk jockey."

"That would've been... in '76? Remember hearing about him back then," Joker nodded slowly as he cleaned up his spill. "The assignment no one wanted. Generally chewed through fresh new aides in a matter of weeks, right?"

"Yeah," Ella nodded slightly, then paused . "Where the heck were you in '76? Never saw your fragile ass at the Academy, and you should've only been a year behind me."

"Never went. Finished high school early, e-program. Couldn't apply for a medical waiver to enlist 'til I was legal, so I did my bachelor's before I joined. Went straight to flight school in '75."

"Wow. Extra baby twoie-louie, weren't you? Only 20?"

"I prefer precocious." Joker corrected. "Or prodigal. Wait. That means something else entirely. Prodigy?"

"Egomaniac?" Ella countered.

"Only if I didn't have the skills to back it up. I did. Still do."

"Are you ever uncertain about anything?" Ella felt suddenly wistful. She used to know what that felt like. Not lately.

"Course." She watched his shoulders shift under his utilities as he shrugged, his fingers suddenly forcefully ripping apart the pile of damp napkins as his gaze dropped briefly. "Not flying though." His eyes lifted again, watching her as she sipped carefully at her wine. "Being tentative while piloting gets you killed. And everyone else aboard."

"And that would be bad."

"Generally, yeah. Try to avoid the dying."

"I'm not so good at that," Ella whispered.

"Don't look much like a zombie."

Ella snorted softly, downing the last of her wine in two large gulps. "Haunted, more like. I keep killing everyone else."

"Which brings us nicely back to your crappy day, doesn't it?" Joker finally took a second sip of the remnants of his own drink, his eyes never leaving her face.

"Not going to let me avoid those nosy questions, are you?"

"I think you need to talk. And for some reason you're not talking to the Commanders. So no. Not going to leave you alone."

"You're my babysitter now, are you?" That's kinda sweet. Wait. Why is that sweet? Pushy pilot.

"Someone has to be. You vanguards lack sense."

"Oh, 'cause sensible is just the defining characteristic of pilots."

"Means I recognize the signs of nonsense going too far." Joker paused, blinking slightly. "Of not-sense? Nonsensical-ness? Huh. That doesn't sound right."

Ella pushed her empty mug to the side of the table, chuckling softly. "I should just let you keep talking. You'll distract yourself from my bad mood all on your own."

"No, I won't."

"Damnit," Ella sighed, shifting until her cheek was resting against her hand, elbow braced on the table. "I don't know where to start."

"Aide. '76. Too proud of your shiny new bars to admit you had a crap assignment?"

"Never even occurred to me I could request a transfer, I must admit. Though I certainly complained about it to my girls. Until Lex got her famous shore-leave, that is. Put things in perspective."

"Wouldn't think your life needed a lot of perspective lessons. Considering."

"It's amazing how easy it is to forget things. Even when you ought to know better." Ella shrugged slightly. "Mind can't stay on Mindoir forever. Needs a break, eventually."

"Huh. Met a lot of people who seemed determined to keep their brains somewhere unpleasant. And make the rest of us suffer with them."

"That's way too much work." Ella shrugged yet again, annoyed that she couldn't seem to get into any sort of rhythm for this particular conversation. "Anyways. Aide. For years. Minus the short stint when I got stuck in Singapore for awhile after I sorta clocked him one."

"You WHAT?" Joker slammed his now empty mug on the table again. "You. Who gave me a hard time about not worshiping the ground Anderson walked on, punched your CO?"

"He wouldn't give me leave to go see Meg. After Akuze. He apologized. After I did. Moron."

"You, or him?"

"Mostly me. Him a little bit. I was used to him always knowing everything about everyone on the crew, and the one time he wasn't two steps ahead of me was the one time I desperately needed his help getting across the galaxy." She sighed. "We were close. He was my second chance at a family. The Marine Corp in general, him in specific. Like a father."

Her voice froze, her face suddenly hard as she remembered his voice when he'd greeted her on Presrop. Cold. Distant. Nothing like the smile he used to hide after briefings, the wink when they survived a fire-fight, together. The bark of his laughter whenever Chief Li surprised them both with her off-color humor in her most formal of voices, her face always completely straight.

Another ghost to miss. Damnit Li.

"He really thought I'd do it. That I'd kill them all, just to get to him. And he was right. However much I didn't want to, I'd have killed them all to stop him. Damn him." She closed her eyes, desperate to hold the hot tears in, to stop before she lost it completely. "I didn't have a choice. I never have a choice."

"Course you had a choice." Joker's voice was soft, serious. Oddly soothing in the darkness behind closed eyelids. "You could retreat before you're done, saving lives now for more dead tomorrow. Crappy choice, totally not worth it, but it's there. And I've known officers who'd take it. 'Cause sometimes it's easier."

Ella opened her eyes, staring across the table at the face across from her, comforted by the cold look in his eyes. Soft Navy-space-nerd my ass. Done his share of flying through the suck. Not fair of me to forget it. Her chuckle was awkward, rusty with suppressed tears clogging her throat. "Well, hell, tell that to my review boards, why don't you? They're always trying to hide me behind a desk somewhere."

"Someone must be telling them that, already," Joker shrugged slightly, "as you're out here in the black on the Normandy, after all."

"The Old Man and The Admiral do look out for me, it's true. Ever since The Major stopped." She sighed, softly, brought back to their original conversation. "He was a hard-ass in combat, had a temper when he was stuck groundside too long, but he was a good man. Before Torfan."

A soft smile snuck across her face as she forced her memories back. Before the tunnels broke them both.. "He was secretly a big softie when it came to his men. Always kept an eye on them. Loved a good wedding. Thus the making him promise to walk me down the aisle if, you know, I magically developed decent taste some day."

"Not one of your strong suits?" Joker easily followed along her change of topic, letting her past rest where it belonged. For now, at least.

"Hell, no." Ella snickered. "A gangbanger who tried to kill me cause I went Alliance instead of joining his crew, a selfish little twit at the Academy who couldn't be bothered to dump me over email, even, I have no idea what I thought I saw in her, a string of shore-leave flings, a few proper dates that never quite went anywhere, and, well," her amusement faded, "almost Caprone."

"Wow. That is spectacularly bad taste. What is wrong with you?"

Ella flicked her fingers, blue glow suddenly enveloping the pile of damp napkins and flying them at Joker's chest. "Jerk. My family died horribly in front of me when I was almost 16, and I latched on to anyone who seemed interested, and flashed pretty eyes at me."

"Is that all it takes?" Joker smirked at her, wadding the pile of napkins back up and plopping them at the edge of the table next to her mug. "I could do that, and then where would you be?"

"Court Martialed. Had this conversation already, remember?"

"So you're not arguing my probable success rate? Hmm. Have to remember that."

Ella burst out laughing, her voice echoing through the empty mess hall. "You're incorrigible. Hopelessly so."

"What hopeless? I've never tried not being irresistible."

Ella snorted, pushing herself up from the table and picking up the mugs and napkins. "Course you haven't." She chucked the trash in the chute before turning towards Julia again. "Refill?" She asked over her shoulder.

"'Course. Even try to drink it this time, instead of spilling it. Your fault though, dropping wedding stories on me."

Carrying two fresh mugs back to the table, Ella rolled her eyes at him. "Turnabout is fair play, then. Your turn."

"My turn what?"

"C'mon, you gotta have a few horror stories of your own."

"I have impeccable taste in friends, compatriots, and lovers."

"Really?" Ella raised her eyebrows at him, still standing by the table, mugs cradled against her chest. "Then I'm not sharing."

"Aw hell." Joker grinned at her, apparently not particularly upset. "Well, there was this one gal I was chatting with online, met her in the e-program I used for high school..."

"And?" Ella grinned back.

"... as soon as she passed her last class, she tried to pass me along to her brother..."

"Ouch." Ella shook her head in sympathy, sat down, and passed Joker his mug. "Well, hell. That is pretty terrible. Was he at least cute?"

Joker pressed his hand to his heart. All it would take to put them in a proper old-fashioned melodrama would be a few fluttering eyelashes. "Not the point! Poor, young, innocent me, cruelly betrayed by my first love."

"You? The innocent party? I find that hard to imagine." She tilted her head, grinning at his over-acting. "I notice you didn't answer my question, either."

"What, was he cute? Hell yeah, he was smoking hot. And crazy with a capital CRAZE." Joker waved his arms wildly, eyes wide to emphasize his point.

"I thought you liked crazy?"

"There is good crazy," Joker's hand waved slightly, gesturing first to himself, then across the table to Ella, "and there is bad crazy." He shuddered slightly. "Definitely bad crazy."

"Aw, poor you, lot of experience with the crazies?"

"I am a connoisseur of crazy." Joker's face softened, his smirk fading into a soft smile again. Third time's even more charming than the first two. Wait. I'm counting smiles? "You're definitely the best crazy I've ever met."

"Well. Then." Ella had to cough past a throat strangely tight, and swallow a smile and ignore the odd ache in her chest as she lifted her mug. "To the good crazies?"

"To the best crazies."