Dean and Seamus sat in the common room silently contemplating life. Normally, one might find their behavior strange given their customarily excitable natures, but given that past few month's absolute bat-shit-insanery, all they could really do was sit and wonder how it all could have happened.

For Seamus, it all started on that fateful Sunday evening three months ago when Harry, Ron and Hermione came back from another round of… wherever the hell it is those three always do.

But something was different on that fateful day. The day the universe broke.

Instead of them going into a corner to scheme about how to steal an ancient magical artifact, or how to kill a giant snake, or how to fight a werewolf, or how to survive a deadly tournament, or how to break into the ministry, the three of them arrived truly and completely… Happy. No, not happy. Giddy. Giddy like schoolgirls. Giddy at the idea of Harry being forced to marry Draco. And Harry was the most excited out of the three.

Upon hearing their story, he and Dean rightfully suspected foul play.

A plot from the Dark Lord? The Imperius Curse? Dark and powerful potions? …A bad head wound?

Regardless, they went right away to report their suspicions to their head of house McGonagall.

…who told them how absolutely thrilled she was that Harry and Draco were finally getting married. How they had been practically sniffing around each other for years, and how their marriage would be the greatest thing to ever happen, including the very creation of the universe.

When they tried to plead their case, she just continued about how they were a perfect match, and how… Beautiful their babies would be.

That's when Seamus noped right the fuck out of that meeting and decided to try to ignore the whole situation in it's entirety. Gay roommate? That was at least marginally possible. Male pregnancy? Um… what?

They were not invited to the wedding, nor were they invited to the funeral.

Probably for the best. Seamus only had the one set of dress robes, and they didn't even fit well.

Seamus looked at his friend sitting across from him and was about to say something to break the silence, but he suddenly found that he couldn't formulate any words. He opened his mouth to speak and started to gesture with his hand, but no words came out and he just kind of limply let his hand drop. He sighed fruitlessly at the farcical nature of his exitance.

Dean just nodded his head with understanding. He too was having trouble coming to terms with his reality.

To him, the worst part of the marriage wasn't the marriage or even the male pregnancy thing. It was the marriage announcement Dumbledore made in front of the school. Seamus still had that horrifying image of the Headmaster moving his hips and smacking a non-existent ass.

…It just wasn't right.

Seeing the futility of their current state, Seamus motioned for them to head to dinner and as one, they got up and silently made their way to the Great Hall.

Will little else to occupy his mind, Seamus mentally drifted back to that day. The news of Draco's death was a relief to him. Not because he thought that Draco deserved to die or anything, but it just sort of righted the world a little bit and stuff, you know? Kinda like rewinding back a day, so the day before didn't happen.

But it did… He had the mental scars to prove it. Damn you Dumbledore. Damn you…

It didn't stop after that day though. The weirdness just continued to pile up … there was Harry buying practically every wizarding businesses in Britian with the Malfoy money, the close call Harry had almost marrying Millicent Bulstrode of all people, then their dorm room started being used by Harry to entertain a revolving cast of companions including, but not limited to: Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown, Daphne Greengrass, Padma Patil, Susan Bones and Hannah Abbot at the same time, then Narcissa Malfoy when she realized she was out of money…

Seamus scarcely remembered what a good night of sleep felt like what with all the noise at all hours of the night.

Then there were the sordid rumors surrounding Fawkes' abandonment of Dumbledore. It was commonly known that the Phoenix burnt down half the Forbidden Forest in its haste to leave Hogwarts grounds, but why? What caused it to snap? WHAT DID YOU SEE FAWKES?! TELL ME!

Life was strange, and every day was stranger than the last. Every morning he awoke in a deeper malaise, and he spent his days walking here and there, slowly losing another piece of his sanity.

The Hall was full and buzzing with excitement, untouched by the wrongness that had tainted his life. Seamus found himself envying them.

They made it to their customary spots at the Gryffindor table and once more, waited silently for dinner to arrive.

A few more times each of them tried to make conversation, but they both stopped short. There really wasn't anything to say. The universe was broken, but at least it couldn't get any worse.

"Attention students!" The Headmaster said, standing in front of his podium, with Professor Snape at his side looking even more unhappy than usual. "Before we eat, I have an announcement to make."

The buzz died down slowly.

Seamus felt a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something was coming. Something terrible.

"As you have all been aware, I have been feeling under the weather these last few weeks. Don't worry, I'm fine. More than fine actually. In fact, I'm pregnant! Severus is the father, and of course, he will be taking full responsibility."

Snape looked like he wanted to be anywhere but where he was standing.

Seamus look at Dean, and Dean looked back. They both died just a little bit more inside.

"More importantly, welcome to our wedding!" The entire hall magically started decorating itself, and the Headmaster tapped his robe with his wand, and transfigured it into a tightly-fitting wedding dress.

Seamus whimpered, and Dean murmured to himself, "Just one more year to graduate…"

AN: was going over some old files and found this laying around. Tone is quite different from other chapters and I'm not entirely sure what I was going for with this but here it is.