Happy birthday to me~ This is my present to myself, and I'm sad to say that it will not be updated for a while. Reason one; I go back to school soon, so my life will get hectic. Reason two; Sempiterma Nox is still my main priority so I will be focusing on that. Reason three; Kanda's being a bitch and not co-operating with the plot bunny.

Even so, this was a lot of funto write, and it will be updated... eventually. When I get around to writing the next chapter. It contains a lot of my... unique humour as well as several inside jokes, so reviewor pm me if you don't understand anything. Or if I make any mistakes, because it's bound to happen.

Disclaimer - That right there means I don't own D. Gray-man.

"I love you..." the moronic, one-dimensional movie character whispered to the other, equally moronic and one-dimensional movie character. Allen sighed tiredly, already sick to death of this over-the-top, dramatised version of 'true love' – he respected Lenalee, and would hate to hurt her feelings, but he wasn't sure how much more of this he could take before suffering a severe mental breakdown. Not to mention the fact that he was terrified of what Komui might subject him to should he dare to offend Lenalee, no matter how minor that offense might be.

"Uh, Lavi, Lenalee, I don't mean to criticize your methods, but are you two sure that this is the best way to deal with a break-up?" Allen asked hesitantly, freezing immediately when two identical death-glares were sent shooting his way. If looks could kill, Allen would have already decayed into a pile of plant food.

"Allen. Exactly how many relationships have you been in?" Lenalee asked with every semblance of patience.

"Um... One?" Allen replied, the statement coming out as more of a question due to his fear of the dark-haired Chinese girl.

"Exactly. How many times have you been dumped?"

"Once?" Allen said uncertainly, the suppressed fury in Lenalee's eyes making him suddenly unsure of the precise figure.

"Right. So who do you think is more qualified at this?" Lavi asked, joining the interrogation suddenly and without warning.

"Not you, Lavi – you only ever get in relationships as long as they last less than twenty four hours – I mean seriously, have you ever contacted any of the people you've slept with?" Lenalee asked sceptically, eyeing the serial flirt with wary eyes.

"I slept with Allen, and I still talk to him!" Lavi protested.

"What? I have never had sex with you in my entire life!" Allen gasped, feeling slightly ill. No offense to Lavi – he was a great friend, and really handsome in his own way, but Allen just didn't like him like that, despite Lavi's many proclamations of 'love'. Which, incidentally, he announced to each and every one of the people he had ever dated – the only difference was, he had never been with Allen.

"I never said that I've had sex with you, I just said that I've slept with you – remember that time we all went camping, and it was too cold to stay in separate sleeping bags?" Lavi hinted, nudging Allen's ribs.

"Lavi! That's enough talking about me sleeping with you!" Allen hissed.

"Aw, I'm sorry, Al old pal. Don't feel down, though. You'll find the perfect man for you someday, I'm sure."

"Thanks Lavi, I really appre – wait! The perfect man for me?" Allen asked, his silvery eyes widening as he suddenly realised what Lavi had said. The redhead chuckled nervously, rubbing at the back of his neck in a manner that simply screamed 'awkward' at the top of its voice... possibly with a megaphone and several cheerleaders in the background.

"Well, you never really seemed all that interested in girls, and after the recent attempt at a relationship with Rhode that somewhat failed, I thought you might like to try..."

"Christ, Lavi! Just because this relationship didn't work out so well, doesn't mean that I'm automatically into boys, okay?" Allen sighed, unable to work up any real anger towards his friend – he had, after all, come all the way over to Allen's flat after receiving a rather teary phone call begging him for help. Even if he did only live a couple of floors away.

"Allen's right, Lavi. He's just got to give the whole romance thing another chance," Lenalee defended, and Allen felt a warm glow light up his insides at the thought of having friends as good as these two. "Although I must admit, I think he would look really sweet with a guy." The warm glow vanished as suddenly as it had arrived.

Allen choked on his mouthful of Ben and Jerry's ice cream – supplied to him, ironically enough, by the chef Jerry who worked in a little cafe down the road. He had always had a soft spot for Allen, so when Lenalee and Lavi stopped by and told him the news, he had immediately handed them all of the 'comfort food' they could carry. Thank God, too – it seemed that Allen was capable of eating twice as much as usual when depressed, which was quite the achievement.

"Lenalee, does your brother know about your strange and overpowering obsession with gay couples?" Allen asked, a frown marring his forehead. Lenalee didn't reply for a moment, instead pausing to wrap the blanket shared by the three of them a little tighter around herself, leaving Lavi out in the cold. Ignoring his loud protests, Lenalee just shook her head thoughtfully.

"No, I don't think he does," she mused, still obstinately blocking out Lavi's shouts of 'you cruel, heartless woman, leaving me out here to freeze to death!'

"Would you like me to tell him?" Allen asked; the only hint that he was actually threatening the Chinese girl was the angry glint in his grey-blue eyes.

"Allen, you know how my brother is. If you told him something like that, he'd probably find you a boyfriend himself and take lots of lovely photos and force the two of you to get married and find a way to make you have gorgeous babies together, however physically impossible that may be, just to make me happy," Lenalee smirked. The worst part was, Allen couldn't come up with a suitable argument – Lenalee was probably right, after all.

"Okay, you win," Allen groaned, burrowing deeper under the covers and into the too-soft-to-be-really-comfortable sofa.

"Of course she does. Lenalee kicks ass," Lavi smirked, still tugging on the blanket – though his efforts were all in vain. It seemed that he had now resorted to major sucking-up in a desperate attempt to get his third of the furry blanket back. So far, all of his tries had failed epically.

"Why thank you, Lavi," she smiled, saluting him, leaning around Allen who was curled up between them in a small ball of depression.

Strangely enough, it wasn't the fact that he had broken up with Rhode that had him so down – he had always viewed her as more of a creepy-younger-sister than as girlfriend material. It was more that his first attempt at a serious relationship had ended so abruptly, even though he had been trying so hard.

Then again, maybe he had been trying too hard. Maybe his relationship with Rhode simply hadn't been supposed to work out and he was, in fact, destined to love another. A lovely, sentimental thought, but Allen thought that it was more likely that he wasn't destined to love; at all, ever. Abandoned by his parents as a very young child, adopted by Mana who had died only a few years later before being taken in by Cross who was physically incapable of caring for anything but his own selfish desires, Allen wasn't really accustomed to the feeling of being loved.

Either way, it had quickly become apparent to Allen that he and Rhode weren't particularly compatible – nonetheless, he had continued with her, trying to push past the barrier that was the lack of any kind of connection. Their relationship had lacked chemistry, meaning; that special spark, at the risk of sounding like one of Lenalee's cheesy chick-flicks.

"How many guys have you been out with, Lenalee?" Allen asked suddenly, thinking back over their conversation. There was a tense pause in which both Lavi and Allen held their breath, hearts thudding in their chests.

In retrospect, Allen realised that asking Lenalee such a personal question could very well get him killed – though by her or by Komui, he wasn't sure.

"You promise not to tell Komui?" She asked, her eyes warily darting between the two boys, who both nodded vigorously. "I've had three boyfriends so far," she said, smiling at the shocked looks her friends were giving her.

"Lenalee! How come you never told us before?" Lavi asked, his voice only a few shades away from 'whiny'. Though Allen didn't want to lower himself to whining, he had to admit that he shared Lavi's sentiments on the subject.

"I was worried that Komui might try to kill them and I was worried about you guys – if he ever finds out that you two knew about my boyfriends then he'll probably kill you, too," she reasoned, and Allen felt his blood turn to ice in his veins. Lenalee was right; Komui would kill them. All of a sudden, the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' made an awful lot more sense.

"G-good point," he and Lavi stuttered in unison.

"So... so what should I do now, do you think?" Allen asked shakily, striving to turn the conversation back to normality. "You know, should I go on a rebound, should I stuff my face with chocolate..."

"You do that anyway."

"... Should I become a monk..."

"You're practically one already, with all your talk of God and saviours."

"... Or should I just go out with that creepy stalker-guy down the end of the street?"

"God, no. If you do that, I will personally murder you and all of your monk-ness," Lavi groaned, covering his eye in horror. Allen sighed, shrinking down even further until all of him but tufts of white hair was hidden beneath the blanket.

"Allen, a rebound will probably only cause regrets; I would say that too much chocolate will make you fat, but that doesn't seem to apply to you; being a monk would be no fun, you wouldn't be able to live here anymore and that creepy stalker-guy is... creepy," Lenalee said, tugging gently on strands of his hair until Allen finally emerged from under the blanket.

"I know that, but I don't know what to do," Allen moaned, staring dejectedly at his left arm. So many people were scared of it or ignored him when they saw it – Lavi, Lenalee, Komui, Mana, Cross, and now Rhode were the only people to have seen it and accepted him anyway. The people at his workplace had never seen it... even Jerry who simply doted on Allen had never seen it.

He hated that he had to keep his arm hidden all the time, but he had learned as a very young child that people didn't understand what was wrong with his arm – and people always feared and hated what they didn't understand. Often, he would be plagued by questions as to why he always wore long-sleeved shirts and gloves, even in the middle of summer, and he never liked to explain himself. He would just laugh it off like it was nothing.

That was what he had always done, though. Laughed it off, that is. Whenever he was sad or uncomfortable or in pain, he laughed. It was an old habit of his that even the gentle coaxing of his friends hadn't been able to shake. He thought it might date back to his days with Mana as a street performer, when he had had to smile to entertain audiences, no matter how he himself felt.

"For the moment, I don't think you should do anything. Give yourself some time to adjust to being single again before you go out searching for love – just be patient. You'll find the right, er, person for you, I'm sure," Lenalee said, squeezing Allen's hand.

"Or I could help you get over her..." Lavi hinted with a bright grin. Allen barely managed to hold back a groan. "Or maybe not," Lavi quickly amended at the look Lenalee shot him.

"I think not, especially after the little talk we've just had about the consequences of rebounds. Not a good idea, Lavi," Lenalee scolded, playfully wagging her finger at him. Allen laughed as Lavi cowered back in mock fear, relieved that his friends had pulled through for him like this. Admittedly, they did live in the same block of flats as him, but even so...

"Hey, when's that new neighbour of yours moving in?" Lavi asked suddenly, turning to Allen and gently prodding his stomach with his index finger. "I need to meet him or her so that I can decide whether I should be jealous."

"Lavi, I'm not dating you, so why should you be jealous? Besides, this isn't the first time I've had a neighbour, you idiot."

"I know that, but what if they're really good-looking, and the instant you see them, you fall so desperately, head-over-heels in love with them that you forget all about little old me?" Lavi sniffled, his eyes welling up with fake tears as he pouted at Allen.

"Who could ever forget about you?" Allen asked sarcastically. Lavi sighed blissfully, pressing a hand against his heart with a stupid, dreamy smile on his face. "I didn't mean that in a good way," Allen explained before Lavi could get the wrong idea.

"Hey, can you hear that?" Lenalee asked suddenly, before Lavi had the chance to retaliate. Allen tilted his head to one side curiously, straining his ears... sure enough, he could hear a soft tapping sound, like someone was...

"I'll get it," he sighed, standing up and thanking the Lord that he always insisted on wearing long-sleeved pyjamas, no matter the season. Quickly tugging his shirt so that it hung straight, Allen unlocked the door and opened it a crack, relaxing slightly when he saw the kind-looking older gentleman standing on the other side of his door.

"Can I help you?" Allen asked politely, wondering what in the world was going on... That was, until he saw the various suitcases and put two and two together.

"My name's Froi Tiedoll," the man said, smiling warmly at him. "And I'm helping my son move in next door; the landlord Komui told me that..."

Allen knew what was going on – he had been told by Komui, the man who owned the Black Order building that a new neighbour would be moving in sometime soon – though, Komui being Komui, he hadn't known the exact date, the person's name, or even their gender! Though, according to this man, his new neighbour would be male.

"Old man, you are not my father, so don't act as though you are," an irritated male voice echoed down the corridor outside, and Allen raised an eyebrow at the faint accent. He had lived in Japan for five months with Cross, and knew enough of the language to recognise the way that this man pronounced his English. Alright, so maybe it was the many Japanese curses he could hear being grumbled, but that was hardly important.

"I'll just get the key for you," Allen smiled, slipping back inside the hallway and picking up the key Komui had entrusted to him.

The rather insane man had insisted that it was because he wanted Allen to get to know his neighbour, however Allen suspected – and Lenalee agreed with him – that it was more likely that Komui didn't want to lose the key in his paper-strewn office.

"Here you go," Allen said when he returned, pressing the key into Tiedoll's open hand, carefully keeping his left arm hidden from view. Tiedoll's smile widened impossibly further, and behind him, Allen could see two more men – though these two were considerably younger than Tiedoll.

"Oh, how rude of me!" Tiedoll chuckled when he noticed Allen's curious gaze. "These are two of my adopted sons; Noise Marie and Daisya Barry. Of course, Yuu-kun will be your neighbour, but he doesn't seem to want to greet you..."

"For the last time, do not call me that!" The irate voice sounded again. "My name is Kanda, and you would do well to remember it, geezer."

"Don't worry about him, he just has a bit of a temper," Tiedoll said, his smile faltering slightly, and Allen hastened to reassure him.

"Oh no, it's fine," Allen smiled. "He probably just wants to get settled down; I know that moving can be exhausting, so he probably just wants to sort out his apartment. It was a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Tiedoll."

"You too," Tiedoll trailed off, and Allen felt a slight blush rising to his cheeks when he realised that he had never given the man his name.

"Allen," he said, firmly shaking Tiedoll's hand. "My name is Allen Walker."

"Hey, Allen. Allen? Allen. Allen! Oi, love-of-my-life, sweetheart, buttercup, darling, sugar-plum, honeybunch..."

"Alright Lavi, I'm up already!" Allen groaned, groggily sitting up and rubbing the grit from his eyes. "Enough with the ridiculous pet-names, I'm up!"

Sunlight streamed through the windows of Allen's tiny apartment, giving it a cheerful feel and generally lightening his mood. As a result, he could feel the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth; one which morphed into a full-blown grin at the sight of the mountain of food and fresh coffee prepared by Lenalee and Lavi. He really didn't deserve such good friends.

Allen happily tucked into the enormous meal without bothering to get dressed or comb his hair or anything like that – what was the point? The only people here were Lavi and Lenalee, and though he tried not to dwell on it, they had both seen him in far worse states than this. It was quite embarrassing, but the three of them had been friends long enough that it no longer mattered.

In record time – even for him – the food disappeared; four pieces of toast, two bowls of cereal, a stack of pancakes, an apple and three breakfast muffins were gone within three minutes flat. Allen and his friends thought nothing of it, but he would often get strange looks from passers-by if he ever ate in public. Which was why he liked to eat in Jerry's cafe. The food was excellent, but the place was small and out of the way, so there were usually only a few customers in there at any one time. Ideal for someone like Allen, whose stomach closely resembled a black hole.

"Hey Allen, what did your neighbour look like?" Lavi asked suddenly, leaning over the table until his face was only a few inches away from Allen's. Lenalee paused in washing up her dishes, turning around to face the two boys (whilst secretly hoping that Lavi would close the distance between them so that she could take a picture. Not that she'd ever admit to that; being a closet fangirl was hard work.)

Allen paused for a moment, thinking back to the previous evening.

"I don't know, I only met his father," Allen shrugged. "He sounded Japanese though, if that helps." Lavi groaned burying his face in his hands.

"Mysterious stranger who can woo you in another language? How can I ever compete with that?" He whined, whilst Lenalee looked on sympathetically. She wasn't sure how strong or how genuine Lavi's feelings for Allen were, but either way it looked like he wouldn't have a chance with this new guy next door.

Allen on the other hand, was sure that Lavi felt nothing more for him than deep friendship, a strange fascination, and perhaps a drop of lust. Perhaps a gallon of the stuff; he wasn't entirely sure. It didn't really matter to him – all he knew was that Lavi didn't love him like that, and that he would most certainly not be wooed by a Japanese jerk that refused to even show Allen his face.

"Okay, that guy's totally gay," Lavi decided, having switched on the TV and immediately flicked to the music channel. It seemed that he had already recovered from his brief fit of pessimism, and was already back to his usual self. Allen glanced quickly at the screen and found that he had to agree – his gaydar, honed by years of entertaining crowds (not in that way, as he forcefully reminded himself) was going crazy.

Allen, being Allen, quickly lost interest in the pictures on the screen and turned his attention to the cupboards, searching for something worth raiding. There had to be a jar of peanut butter somewhere...

"Agreed, but if he wasn't, I would so do him. He's like sex on legs," Lenalee sighed; Allen simply shook his head. Such talk was very common when her brother Komui wasn't around to regulate her language.

"I would so be gay for him," Lavi agreed, nodding sagely. "He has serious abs. Like, whoa shit, that guy's got a six-pack type abs."

Alright, so Allen would give him that; he did have abs. Even so, that was no reason for both Lavi and Lenalee to fawn over him like little lost puppies. It was really quite worrying, if he was being honest with himself.

Allen had long since accepted Lavi's 'flirt with anyone and everyone' mentality. He had eventually learned to ignore the fact that the redhead seemed to have someone different clinging to his arm every other day. The simple fact was, Lavi was his friend; and a good friend at that. If that was how Lavi wanted to behave, then he could go right ahead for all Allen cared.

Even so, it was rather disturbing to hear Lavi discuss all of the things he would potentially do with the singer, particularly after the many times he had spoken of 'loving' Allen – what was even more disturbing was that pure, innocent Lenalee seemed to be agreeing with most of his ideas. Determinedly, Allen gritted his teeth and returned to thoroughly ignoring them.

"Hey, Allen," Lavi said suddenly, drawing out the first syllable in his name. "Do you have to work tonight?" Allen suppressed a sigh and an eye-roll.

"You know I do, Lavi. It's Saturday, so that means that I work the evening shift," Allen explained patiently, trying to ignore the fact that they went over this exact same conversation at least once a week. Sometimes more, but never less.

"Aw, man. I was hopin' we could invite that new neighbour of yours around and get to know him, you know? C'mon Al, can't you call in sick just this once?" Lavi pleaded, his single visible eye widening as he gazed pathetically at Allen. Usually, a couple of seconds of that look and Allen would crumble. However, on this subject he was always very firm.

The job had been incredibly difficult to get – in the end, it was only Tyki's recommendation that actually got him the job. Dealing cards in the Noah's Ark casino may not have been the job he had always dreamed of but he was damn good at it, and it paid the bills well enough. However, the Earl would usually only hire members of his extended family, so Allen had been quite surprised when he had heard that he'd landed the job, though he suspected that Rhode might have had something to do with the Earl's final decision.

From the moment she had seen him, Rhode had been obsessed; in truth, it was actually rather frightening. Still, Allen was grateful for all she had done for him, and they had parted on quite good terms, so he was hopeful that they'd be able to remain friends. Still, that didn't mean that he would risk losing his job just because Lavi wanted to drag him out – he may be on good terms with Rhode, but he didn't trust her to help him keep his job if he was going to be so irresponsible.

"Lavi, I've told you time and time again, I will not skip work just because you want me to. I have to pay the bills and Cross's debts somehow." That was the worst of it – Allen, at the tender age of eighteen, was over twenty thousand pounds in debt; debt that wasn't even his to begin with! It seemed that no matter how many debts he managed to pay off, Cross just continued to accumulate more.

"Yeah, I guess so," Lavi agreed, scratching the back of his head absent-mindedly. "That really sucks though. Man, that Cross must be some sort of demon."

"Well, I do wonder sometimes," Allen muttered, scowling at the fridge when he realised that he had no more chocolate mousse – he would have to buy some soon.

In Allen's life, there were very few things that he considered essential and gave priorities to. His friends were one. His music another. Food was very high up on that list, and whenever Allen was running low, he tended to get just a weensy bit grumpy. Both Lavi and Lenalee knew that... and scooted out of his way as quickly as they possibly could whilst he stormed around searching for his hidden stash – hidden so well that even he couldn't remember where he had left it.

Allen hated feeling hungry; unfortunately for him, his enormous appetite meant that he often did feel hungry – and there was very little he could do about it. Komui – who, surprisingly enough was quite an important figure in the medical research field – believed that he simply had a quirk in his metabolic system which made him burn through calories a lot faster than most other people. Put simply, it didn't matter how much he ate, his body would always use it up quickly and want more.

Yeah, so a lot of people were jealous that he could eat as much as he wanted and never gain any weight. That didn't mean Allen liked it – his weekly shopping was Hell on Earth. Half his wages seemed to be used up on food.

"Hey, I gotta go, or Gramps is gonna get mad at me again," Lavi said, hastily grabbing his coat and rushing out of the door – and therefore out of Allen's way. Lenalee shot a positively evil glare at his back that clearly said 'you coward'. Fortunately – or perhaps unfortunately, depending on the point of view – Lavi remained blissfully unaware of the rapidly growing rays of hatred Lenalee was sending his way.

So it was that Lavi Bookman lived to see another day.

Review please? As a gift to me?