Mahou Sensei Negima and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Ken Akamatsu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.

Similarly, all non-Negima characters mentioned here are the properties of their respective copyright holders.

Any similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence.

This collection was going to be originally a set of Negi/NODOKA threesome stories, by the way. But Chisame had just so much more snark and dry wit to work with, lovable as Nodoka is.

I hope you get some enjoyment of this set of mini crack fics, even the most insane ones. Some of the themes presented here can offend some sensibilities, but just like in any crackfic, I advise not taking them too seriously.

Also, I wrote this whole set before starting writing UNEQUALLY RATIONAL AND EMOTIONAL. You might see the seeds for some future plot points for that story here. Maybe.

Negi, Chisame and Haruna.

Haruna loved to sketch her prince and her princess. Seeing them together, funnily mismatched as they were, still was like a fairy tale playing itself right before her. As long as she could watch it, she didn't mind playing the court buffoon.

Negi, Chisame and Natsumi.

Chisame often wondered what had a normal girl like Natsumi seen in them to join them in something as insane as a three way relationship. Then again, she didn't like that train of thought, because it meant she wasn't normal herself, either.

But the nights made it all worthwhile.

3- Negi, Chisame and Setsuna.

"Why did you bring her to my room?" she had protested that first night.

"Because right now, she can't be at the same room as Asuna and Konoka, but she can't be left alone either" he had excused himself.

"I'm fine!" Setsuna had claimed. "I-It's not for me to question Ojou-sama's decisions!". But her tears said otherwise.

Chisame had sighed, defeated. "I'll fix you some tea".

She hadn't expected for the swordswoman to come to like her shabby tea so much. Or their company.

But looking at it now, she wasn't going to complain.

4- Negi, Chisame and Misora.

She had offered a million reasons why it wouldn't work.

"You're a pranking pest!".

Misora had just grinned. "You know you love it".

"We don't have anything in common!".

"Now we have him. As for the rest, it makes us to complement each other".

"You've made a vow of chastity!".

"Ah, that. Actually, I just quit the Order".

Chisame blinked. "You did what?".

"It just wasn't my vocation after all. I should've known. They told me from the start I didn't have the discipline".

Then Misora grinned even more, pulling a pair of habits up. "I got to keep a few mementos, though. Have you ever catered to this kind of fetish cosplay before?".

Chisame smiled very slowly. She was starting to actually like the girl.

5- Negi, Chisame and Rakan.

By now, she was sure about them both actually being the manliest men ever.

6- Negi, Chisame and Hakase.

"I always was unhappy with my appearance" Hakase had finally confessed with a weak, shy voice. "Thin and geeky, with glasses and a huge forehead, no breasts, no hips. I once loved a Sempai at the Robotics Club, but he never even noticed me. Instead, he went and dated a complete bimbo with awful grades, fully unlike him, can you believe it?".

Chisame and Negi only nodded, dumbfounded.

"You're both so bad" Satomi mumbled. "Anyway, that's why I gave up on love, and why I put so much effort into making Chachamaru so beautiful and feminine... everything I never could be...".

"I can sympathize" Chisame admitted.

"But you are very beautiful, Hakase-san!" Negi had brightened up.

The scientist blushed awkwardly. "You're a horrible liar".

"No, I'm serious!" he insisted stubbornly. "And Chisame-san can give you some tips to look even prettier! Isn't that right, Chisame-san?".

"Well, I... I... I guess...".

Hakase shook her head. "I don't think a woman should strive to please others based on her physical appearance. Otherwise, I'd have taken that path long ago".

Chisame scowled. "Making yourself prettier doesn't mean you can't have brains too!".

For a moment, that actually seemed to break through Hakase's emotional and rational defenses. She just stood there, frozen for a moment, before saying, "I didn't mean to offend you...".

Chisame had just slammed the makeup kit and several piles of dresses right before her.

Satomi Hakase didn't need to have sensors implanted into her to know she was screwed then.

7- Negi, Chisame and Nodoka.

It hadn't been the exact kind of trio arrangement Nodoka had hoped for at first, but it still had ended up working to her satisfaction.

8- Negi, Chisame and Zazie.

She always had hoped for the most normal life she could get.

They were the absolute two most abnormal people she ever could hope to meet.

So naturally, they had to end up all together.

9- Negi, Chisame and Chao.

Chao had grinned knowingly.

"The future works in the strangest possible ways" she said cryptically.

Like almost always, she had turned out to be right.

10- Negi, Chisame and Chizuru.

Chisame was walking kind of funny as she entered Natsumi and Kotaro's room.

"Those horror stories you told us about Chizuru..." she flatly stated as she sat down awkwardly, "... They all were true after all, weren't they?".

The young couple nodded in sympathy.

11- Negi, Chisame and Ako.

The first time the three of them bathed together, Chisame couldn't help noticing the reason why Ako always had avoided showing her back at the public bath.

The scar was really ugly, to the point Chisame caught herself cringing at it. Ako had noticed, and immediately, her spirits sunk down.

"I-I'm sorry!" she stammered. "I didn't intend to disgust you...".

Then Negi had frowned, grabbed Ako by the hips, and forcefully turned her around. Before the shy nurse could squeal her protest, he planted his lips squarely upon the scar, kissing it deeply.

Chisame blinked, now suddenly ashamed of herself. She half-smiled, lowered her head, and then also kissed Ako's scarred back, as long and tenderly as she could, feeling the girl to melt with a moaning coo.

That was the happiest day in Ako's life.

12- Negi, Chisame and Evangeline.

"How long has it been since I gave you your freedom, Chachamaru?" she mused absently, without looking at her. Always looking through the window, reclined languidly on her wine-colored couch.

The gynoid opened her mouth to answer, but closed it back when she realized her former mistress wasn't actually listening to her anyway. She had been that way for decades now, every time Chachamaru visited her. Even though Eva still looked like the eternal child, if Chachamaru closed her eyes and listened to her with her almost fully biological by now heart, she could hear to an eternally sad old woman pretending to be either eternally indifferent or eternally bitter. Her age had finally caught up with her soul.

She was repeating the same old tirade now. Chachamaru could recite it from memory by that point, but she never would reveal that, out of respect for her.

"Even after everyone else began drifting away, the boy stayed, once his quest for his father was over" Eva's voice trailed off wearily, like the passing pages of a graying album. "And she stayed with him. The one I least expected to do it. Even though she grumbled and complained about everything, about him and about me, she moved with him here. She passed every test I put upon her to leave us alone. Her stubborness was, in her own way, just as big as Asuna's. I could break her body, but I couldn't break her damn stubborn spirit. So I relented. And we learned to share him through everything. We shared every pleasure you could imagine, and almost as many pains as well".

She paused. "And she gave him the only thing I never could. An actual family". There was another thoughtful pause. "And then they left like all children but me do, and we were alone again. By the way, I understand you were with the Lingshens recently?".

"Yes" Chachamaru nodded.

"How's little Chao doing?".

"She's learning quickly, like you expected" the gynoid replied. "And she'll be ten next month".

"Good. I'll have to send some gift, I guess. Ah, Chachamaru. This is such a beautiful curse we share. To stay the same forever while generations come and go like snowflakes in the wind. And yet, until they passed away, I never actually cared about that. How about you?".

"I have learned to cope" Chachamaru said quietly.

Eva nodded. "You always have been a thing of the future. But me, I have always been a thing of the past... and they always belonged to the present. Wonderful stupid creatures. Time after time I offered them my gift, to stay always together, and every time they rejected it. I hated that. I hated how they never regretted it, not even after being gray and senile, almost as if mocking me. I hated how it seemed they wanted to leave me alone".

"You'll never be alone" Chachamaru said, pondering if she should prove her point by putting a hand on hers. She decided against it. The Mistress still hated receiving pity.

Eva still ignored her words. Still looking through the window. Almost obsessively by now.

"She once said, since everything else that was normal had been denied to her, she at least wanted to have a normal lifespan. I thought she was the stupidest woman in the world then".

Her gaze still was fixed on the small pair of graves in the distance, at midpoint between the woods cabin and the old Academy. Still together.

"But lately" Evangeline said with a deep sigh, "I have been wondering if I wasn't the stupid one".

13. Negi, Chisame and Tsukuyomi.

The three of them waited in a perfect line one next to the other, with Negi standing at the middle.

Chisame's face still seemed like it was made of stone. "Tell us again. Why in this age and country your father is coming in a dingy seedy boat instead of arriving via airplane?".

"Father has been banned by all but three airlines at the world, sadly" the girl standing at Negi's other side explained rather matter of factly. "And those three aren't allowed to enter Japan's airspace".

"... I see" the other girl deadpanned. Then again, it was Tsukuyomi's father. Whoever he was, such thing didn't come as a surprise.

The people coming down from the boat and spilling into the waterfront were a bizarre collection of dangerous looking miscreants combined with illegal immigrants and Otakus who had spent their life savings on trips to Japanese conventions. Negi looked at all of them trying to guess who was the man they were waiting for.

"Is that him?" he pointed to one of them.

"No" Tsukuyomi shook her head. In her elegant white dress, she managed to look even more out of place there than her still well dressed companions. "Too ugly".

"And that one?" Negi asked again. "The one with the trenchcoat? He seems rather happy to see us".

"He is about to flash us, Darling" she grinned madly, fingering her sword. "Would you mind if I cut only his dick?".

"As long as you don't try to forcefeed it to him like the last time" Chisame snorted.

"Mehhh" the swordsgirl said. "Spoilsport".

"How about that one?" Chisame groaned, pointing at a balding, large man in a Hello Kitty T-shirt two sizes too small for his stomach, wearing nekomimi and carrying one huge stuffed briefcase in each hand.

Tsukuyomi made a face. "Ew, no, that's a furry. Even Father has better standards than that".

"Well, he's taking his sweet time" the hacker complained, actually hoping he wouldn't arrive after all. Then she shooed away a clown approaching her. "Sorry, we don't have any money on us now".

Tsukuyomi looked at the chalk white faced man with wide eyes. "FATHER!".

"Father?" Negi repeated incredulously.

"That's your—?" Chisame cut herself off as she saw the wacko jumping onto the stranger's arms. "Well, I guess he is. Although who can say with you".

"Sweetie-poo!" the man cooed with a manic low chuckle, passing a gloved hand through Tsukuyomi's hair in a somewhat unfatherlike fashion. "My, my, you have grown up nicely! How long has it been? Three years, right? Sorry I couldn't make it sooner, but Arkham's security has been marginally better lately, and frankly, even when I was free I had better things to do".

Tsukuyomi giggled as she faced the other two. "This is my father!".

"He is a—" Chisame blinked before finishing, "— an... American".

"A typical American" the clown put a hand over his own heart.

"Do I look fully Japanese to you?" Tsukuyomi gave both of her current bedmates a glare, before giggling again like a madwoman. "Father, this is the boy I told you about in my letters! Negi Springfield, my fiancée!".

"Whatever happened to the bird girl you were so interested on?" the man asked. "You killed her?" he added somewhat hopefully.

"Well, many things happened..." she started recounting. "I thought she was the only one meant for me, but then I got to know him well, and he bashed my face against a rock so hard I thought I'd die, nearly strangled me (and it was so erotic, you were right, suffocation really can put you in orbit), and just pummeled me to a bloody paste after I tried to kill his fanclub, so I knew then I had found my actual match for life. By the way, how are things between you and the Bat going?".

The clown opened his mouth and pointed to his teeth. "I lost three to him last month. He's been crankier than usual lately, so after a narrow escape, I decided to give a cooldown time to our relationship, and come here to check on my dear lil' pumpkin' pie".

Then he offered Negi a hand. "So you're the infamous Negi, huh? Well, you fall a bit short of my expectations..." he chuckled, looking way down at him, "But as they say, love is blind and mad! Shake 'em off, lover boy!".

Negi was about to shake his hand, but he was interrupted by Tsukuyomi stepping in a flash between them, placing her sword's edge tightly against the clown's throat. "Take the hand buzzer off first, Father..." she said with a clenched mad grin.

The green haired man laughed weakly, then took his glove off and shook the hidden hand buzzer to the ground. Chisame gulped as it rolled off the pier and fell into the water with a strong electrical sizzle, making dead fish to float up to the surface instantly. Only then did Tsukuyomi remove the sword from the American's throat.

Negi was just blinking in confusion, so the clown shook his hand rather abruptly and patted him on a shoulder. "You aren't very sharp, are you?".

"He's trying to rehabilitate me" Tsukuyomi offered. "You know. The usual Power of Friendship, Good in All of Us thing?".

"Ah. So he is not sharp at all" the clown seemed disappointed now. "And the lovely lady with him is...?".

"Our concubine" Tsukuyomi replied quickly. "For some reason I can't understand yet he likes her too, so touch her and I'll have to slice you up".

The man looked wounded. "Who? Me? Why would I ever do such an awful thing?".

All three of them stared at him.

He shrugged it off. "Ahh, never mind. Let's hit a karaoke bar or something. That's what you guys do around here, right? Okay, let's have fun!" he started walking towards the city closely followed by his daughter. "Let's paint the town red! There are over two millions of living paint cans all around!".

Negi and Chisame trailed behind with long suffering faces. "I hope the meeting with her mother next week goes better" he voiced.

She passed a hand over her own face. "Next time you fight another archenemy, just kill him or her on the spot, will you?".

"I... I will give it some serious thought".

14- Negi, Chisame and Asuna.

Kotaro was wide eyed and stunned by the time his friend finished telling his story.

Then, slowly, he put a hand on one of Negi's shoulders.

"I must admit defeat to you" the wolf boy finally said. "You're far braver than I ever could be".

15- Negi, Chisame and Arika.

Chisame woke up sweaty and dazzled, sitting up on the huge bed groaning and shaking her head, hugging the bedsheets against her chest.

"I can't believe we just did... that!" she lamented. "How could we fall so low? No matter what we do, we'll never be able to fix this. We should be—".

Then she noticed Arika was awake as well, and looking up straight at her with half closed yet fearsome eyes. For some reason, that scared Chisame more than anything else ever could.

"I... I mean, it's not like it wasn't wonderful..." the girl rushed the words up, "... but things like that just aren't right...".

"Royalty has its own ruleset" the Princess yawned happily, hugging the peacefully sleeping Negi further against her breasts. What a joyful family reunion, Chisame thought with a shudder.

"But... But if this ever gets out, I'll be a shame to my parents, and they'll disherit me..." she hesitated.

Arika hummed closing her eyes again. "You're part of a royal family now, that doesn't matter. Go back to sleep".

The girl's eyebrows twitched. "And not like I'm a religious person, but... doesn't people who does this go to Hell...?".

The older woman had enough. Sitting up without bothering to cover herself, shifting her sleeping son aside, she grabbed the Japanese female and pulled her back down to Heaven with them.

16- Negi, Chisame and Madoka.

"I don't want to sound like I'm ungrateful, but I think this Artifact sucks" Madoka Kugimiya frowned while holding her pom-poms up.

"... I won't argue that" Chisame deadpanned.

"No, no, don't say that!" Negi pleaded. "Madoka-san, the Artifact is part of you, and it represents what you are! As long as you have faith on it and on yourself, it can take you anywhere!".

"Sensei, they are pom-poms" Madoka insisted. "This magic is stupid. It stereotypes cheerleaders! I mean, I know we're dumb giggling bimbos for most people, and I really don't care. I enjoy cheerleading, but why did this Pactio had to typecast me with something that is fine for it, but useless in a battle? Yuuna gets guns, Asuna gets a sword, and I get... pom-poms".

"Well, I used to think this was totally useless, too" Chisame offered half-heartedly, holding her scepter up.

"Yeah, but there's no way these things can be useful at all" Madoka insisted.

"Ho-ho-ho-ho!" Chamo laughed as he approached the newest recruit, pleased with the way she had been bonding with his Aniki and Chiu-chan recently. "Mado-chan, you'll never know if it's useless or not until you try it! At least give it a go! C'mon, do what you know how to do with them!".

The short haired girl's face quivered. She still couldn't get used to that... perverted white rat. "You mean... cheering up?".

Chamo shrugged. "If that's what you wish. Do it! Cheer me up! Lift my spirits up, Oneechan!".

"... Okay" Madoka began a cheer routine for the ermine. She never before had thought she ever could feel stupid doing a cheer, but she was right now. "Cha-mo! Cha-mo! C-H-A-M-O! CHA-MO!".

Then the ermine perked up, feeling stronger and more energetic than ever. "It's... it's awesome, Mado-chan!" he squealed, much to Negi's glee. Chisame only made a face. "I'm fuller of life than ever before! I knew it! That's your power! You can boost your teammates' energy and stats to incredible levels with your artifact! You'll be a very useful support member!".

Madoka finally smiled. "Well, that's good to hear!".

But then the ermine jumped onto her pouting his furry mouth up. "I even feel fuller of love than ever! I think you deserve a reward for your breakthrough discovery!".

"EEEKK!" Madoka shrieked, instinctively shielding herself with the pom-poms. And shooting a blast from them that fried the poor critter to a crisp.

"GAH! Chamo!" Negi shouted. "Hold there! I'll go look for Konoka-san!".

Madoka looked down at her pom-poms and blinked. "Well, whaddya know... They do have offensive powers too!".

Chisame looked at the twitching burnt animal, then at her classmate's face, and actually smiled at her. "Your cheering is improving, too. This is the first time you really have cheered me up".

17- Negi, Chisame and Fate.

Sometimes, she still got afraid instinctively when she woke up and saw him in the same bed as them, but she had grown mostly used to it by now.

18- Negi, Chisame and Ayaka.

The heiress stomped out and into the balcony, huffing angrily. She sniffed some tears back, her hands balled up into fists at her sides.

She rubbed her eyes with the back of a hand, refusing to let the full tears to come out. But she was fighting a lost battle.

Just like always.

She sensed the other girl tentatively walking behind her. Like a good Class Rep, she didn't need to look at her to know who she was. She knew everyone in her class by their footsteps' sounds, from the twins' rapid stepping to Yotsuba's low, rotund and calm walking. For some reason, Kaede was the only one she never could feel walking around.

"Hasegawa-san" she icily said. "You haven't left yet?".

The voice from behind her came out tentatively. "None of us has yet".

"Why?" Ayaka asked.

"Asuna is still crying" Chisame said evenly. "Do you know how much it takes to make her cry? Hell, I don't think I ever watched her even really sad before this".

Ayaka Yukihiro said nothing.

"You were too harsh on her" Chisame said, although she sounded somewhat forced, clearly uneasy.

"Why did they send you?" the mansion's owner asked.

"Huh?".

"I understand why Miyazaki-san didn't come to talk with me; she just couldn't do it. I also understand why you didn't send Saotome or Asakura. But I wouldn't have pegged you as their representative either. Why not Ayase, Konoe or Sakurazaki?".

Chisame looked at her own feet, blushing, unable to reply.

Ayaka waited for a reply, then huffed again. "You fool. They are using you".

"What?".

"Yes, yes. I can see it now. Why else would they let you in? Despite all your pretenses, all you ever wished was to belong with others, am I right? I'd feel pity for you if you weren't part of it. But then again, I shouldn't blame you. At least you never pretended to be my friend... unlike the others".

"Don't blame Negi-sensei. He only did what he had to do. For his own safety, but mostly for yours".

"I don't blame him".

"Are you blaming everyone but him, then?".

Ayaka made a long pained pause. "You all played me for a fool. You pretended we were friends... but true friends don't keep that kind of secrets from each other! You must have known Sensei's secret would be safer with me than with anyone else! Especially than the likes of Saotome and Asakura!".

"Dammit, they learned that on their own! Asuna was right, you really are dense!".

Ayaka turned around to face her. "Yes, I must be really dense! Because everyone but me found about it! I can imagine the laughs you were having behind my back! The stupid Shotacon Iincho! Kept in the dark while all the Baka Rangers knew! The cuckoo princess at her La-La Land castle!".

Chisame's face soured even more. "Knowing about magic wasn't the greatest of gifts, you know. I'd gladly have traded my situation for yours".

Ayaka looked straight into her eyes. "I can say. You'd never be able to appreciate it, and yet you had it. While I, the one who would have done anything for him, was always clueless. Because you decided it was okay for everyone but me to know!".

Chisame was growing bolder from her usual indifferent self. "Don't play the victim again, Iincho! You may like to talk big about how much you love him, but you only love his surface! You don't even know the real Negi Springfield!".

"YOU NEVER ALLOWED ME TO KNOW THE REAL NEGI SPRINGFIELD!".

Chisame recoiled back, as Ayaka's blue eyes spilled even more tears all over her face. The heiress was biting her lower lip to contain her urges to bawl.

Finally, the girl with glasses lowered her head. "I... I am sorry".

Ayaka shook her head, sobbing softly. "No. I'm sorry. Look at me. Maybe you're right. I didn't deserve to know".

"Iincho... you knew before. In the alternate future Chao once caused, you came to know. And yet, you didn't react like this".

"I don't know what you are talking about".

"Of course you don't. But that time, you didn't know the other thing you do know now, right? That's the real cause why you feel betrayed". She gulped. "Because you know Sensei already chose someone else".

Ayaka averted her gaze now. She said nothing, but she nodded uncomfortably.

"But you don't know who yet... do you?" Hasegawa hesitated.

"It must be Asuna. Who else?".

"Iincho, didn't they tell you? Asuna and Negi-sensei... have blood ties".

"What?" Ayaka jerked upright. "H-How? Buh-but then... Miyazaki, right?".

Chisame blushed. Ayaka narrowed her eyes, caught by a sudden hideous suspect.

Finally, the blonde spoke again, with a haunted and shaky tone. "So that's why they asked YOU to come to talk with ME...".

Hasegawa fidgeted. It was her turn to only nod without saying anything.

Ayaka laughed bitterly, shaken like a broken doll. "Oh, this is rich! You of all people! Honestly, I'd have suspected Mana or even Yotsuba before you!".

Hasegawa scowled, seeming offended. Apparently Ayaka noticed it, because she stopped her uneven laughter and looked sad again, her rush of disbelieving adrenaline dying down.

"It... is true, however, isn't it?".

The hacker nodded only once, breathing deeply.

"I see..." Ayaka said. "I'll go apologize to Asuna immediately".

She walked past Chisame and towards the guest rooms, but just as Hasegawa was breathing easier, the millionaire turned on her heels to look at her.

"But first, Hasegawa Chisame, there is something I must tell you!".

And she smiled, in a hard edged way, but also with a new vital spark in her eyes. Chisame wasn't familiar with that smile, but she could swear she had seen it before at least once. Then it dawned on her.

She had looked at it from afar, but Ayaka had never focused it on her ever before.

It was the challenging smile she never had used on anyone but Asuna.

"I'm not going to lose to you!".

For some reason, Chisame found herself smiling back at her with the same expression.

"No, I'm the one who's not going to lose to you!".

But in the end, they both would turn out to be right.