a/n: Sorry, I couldn't resist. I have this idea stuck in my head for quite some time and I'm glad I've finally got the guts to write something like this. Enjoy the lolz.
Disclaimer: I strongly disclaim the right in owning the format of this fic. The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual rightfully and respectfully belongs to the wonderful author Theresa Green who is, sadly, already retired from FFnet before I could ask for permission. Many thanks to Theresa Green, though, for introducing the Owner's Guide series.
Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual to EDWARD "TEDDY" DANIELS
CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of your very own EDWARD "TEDDY" DANIELS unit©. To ensure that you receive the full scale uses and benefits of your highly trained and highly delusional U.S. Federal Marshal, it is best to consider reading the following instructions as well as the FAQs and the Troubleshooting section conveniently added in the end.
About the Unit:
Name: EDWARD DANIELS (will also respond to the name of "TEDDY" just fine)
Sex: Male
Age: Unknown (some sources claim somewhere in his mid-thirties)
Height: 6'1"
Weight: Roughly about 140 lbs.
Date of Manufacture: Classified
Place of Manufacturer: Boston District Division
Your TEDDY DANIELS unit Comes with the Following Garments and Equipments:
(1) White T-Shirt
(1) Brown Flannel Suit
(1) Brown Overcoat
(1) Brown Trouser
(1) Brown Fedora
(1) Pair of Black Leather Shoes
(1) White Orderly Shirt and Pants (optional)
(1) Hawaiian-inspired Pink Floral Tie (limited stocks only)
(1) Band-aid
(1) U.S. Marshal Badge
(1) Service Revolver (underage consumers will be required to submit a waiver or parental consent)
At least (3) Packs of Chesterfields (underage consumers will be required to submit a waiver or parental consent)
(1) Box of Matches
(1) Notebook and pen
Important:
Once your TEDDY DANIELS unit has been safely shipped into your household via ferry, it is highly recommended that you introduce the unit in a peaceful suburban setting as to prevent any hostile suspicions and erratic behaviors from surfacing. Once accomplished, your TEDDY DANIELS unit will be nothing more than a wandering sex god inside the house.
Programming:
Your TEDDY DANIELS unit comes with a number of functions and modes engineered to suit your different styles and tastes. Below are the lists of some of his many uses:
FUNCTIONS
BODYGUARD: Your TEDDY DANIELS unit is a well-trained soldier skilled in hand-to-hand combat and target shooting. Such unit is said to be so good at it, he can subdue anyone in a matter of seconds even with little protective gears at hand, provided that he has been provoked, insulted, or was having a mental breakdown at the moment. If you are in dire need of protection against terrorists, robbers, or even those annoying random people around you, then your TEDDY DANIELS unit will definitely come in handy.
CODE BREAKER: Having trouble solving crossword puzzles? How about the Rubik's Cube? Your TEDDY DANIELS unit is (surprisingly) a gifted code breaker that can solve riddles even in the most unfortunate of situations. Just think how much the government is willing to bribe just to have him crack codes from notorious serial killers.
WALL CLIMBER: Are you in need of stunt doubles in your action movie? Well, look no further. Your TEDDY DANIELS unit is also capable of performing ridiculous feats without breaking a sweat, enough for several stunt professionals to make a run out for their money. The most notable feature is climbing down steep, narrow cliffs without the use of ropes or harnesses! Imagine all the money you're going to save in buying equipments when your TEDDY unit can do it for real.
FIRE STARTER: Aside from being a brilliant military stuntman, your TEDDY DANIELS unit also happens to be fond of blowing things, preferably shiny brand new cars, into smithereens! It may not be one of his most endearing qualities, but for entertainment purposes, your TEDDY unit can be a great attraction to any dull backyard BBQ parties.
MODES
Badass Hero (Default)
Elusive Narrator
Devoted Romeo
Clinically Deranged
State Reversal (Locked)
When your TEDDY DANIELS unit is in his normal state of functioning, he exhibits properties of a bonafide Badass Hero. This includes relentless pursues for truth and justice, as well as the unquenchable desire to uncover whatever conspiracies that threatens his existence and others. When in peril, the TEDDY unit will not hesitate to assault its attacker with his wide array of combat skills, stemming from his military background during the WWII. Do not fret; the TEDDY unit's default mode has a strong resolution for the motto: "Thou Shall Not Kill" making him the perfect example of a good cop persona. However, it is not advisable that the TEDDY unit be exposed to children or minors for he tends to have a wide vocabulary of curses enough to make any sailor sound like a saint.
In his Elusive Narrator mode, your TEDDY DANIELS unit can go on and on telling stories ranging from tear-jerking (about his dead wife) to downright disturbing (zombiefication of schizophrenics), making him the perfect companion when holding slumber parties. Although harmless, the Elusive Narrator mode is highly crucial in unlocking the State Reversal mode. But when handled improperly, this can reinforce and trigger the Clinically Deranged mode, which mostly makes things complicated and dangerous to manage. Until then, learn to keep this mode in proper control by bringing in the presence of a CHUCK AULE unit to keep him company.
The Devoted Romeo mode is generally a fangirl favorite. Here, your TEDDY DANIELS unit will likely drop his tough-as-nails attitude and go down-to-earth as a tortured widower who'd been missing and seeing his long-dead wife in dreams. His strong attachment towards the DOLORES CHANAL unit makes him impervious to other female units' tactics of seduction, one in particular is the Ingenious Temptress mode of the RACHEL SOLANDO unit (hey, can it be helped if he's single now). The Devoted Romeo is also capable of shedding manly tears enough to cause several sympathies and squeals from fangirls who just couldn't bear to watch his sufferings.
If your TEDDY DANIELS unit is left unsupervised, chances are he will continue nourishing his delusions and grandiose ideas which ultimately leads to the Clinically Deranged mode. In this mode, the TEDDY unit is highly agitated, confused, violent, and wary. He will burn any objects he sees and sedate anyone he finds suspicious... for no reason whatsoever! JEREMIAH NAEHRING units are strongly advised to avoid the TEDDY DANIELS unit at all cost during this state. Deactivation in order to return the TEDDY unit to its default setting requires him to go a nearest lighthouse or the use of a JOHN CAWLEY unit and a LESTER SHEEHAN unit in their infamous This-Is-Not-A-Sixth-Sense-Revelation-Rip-off mode.
Please note that the State Reversal mode can only be activated when a JOHN CAWLEY unit and a LESTER SHEEHAN unit are present. When successfully done, the TEDDY unit will realize that everything around him is only an epic role-playing game to cure his madness and that he is actually the alter ego of the ANDREW LAEDDIS unit who he has been tracking down for years. Only in this mode will your TEDDY unit understands his true identity and purpose, thus, achieves a sense of enlightenment. Although this looks very promising, it is important to consider the risk involved since every TEDDY DANIELS unit who has undergone the State Reversal mode is likely to shorten his lifespan because he could no longer bear knowing that he is actually a murderous monster instead of a badass hero.
Relation With Other Units:
DOLORES CHANAL: The DOLORES CHANAL unit© is the beloved corpse bride… er, wife of your TEDDY DANIELS unit. She is described to be beautiful, soft-spoken, and shy, but don't let the pleasant exterior fool you! The DOLORES unit is extremelydelusional, suicidal, and—as any TEDDY DANIELS unit would quote—a cruel, cruel insane bitch. However, it remains a mystery why the TEDDY unit still go crazy (pun intended!) in love with a DOLORES unit even with her unpleasant attributes. A DOLORES CHANAL unit should never be exposed or left alone to children for she tends to have this irresistible urge to put them into her "school", much like what she did to her kids. Despite the massive amount of hatemails and reactions DOLORES CHANAL units receive from fangirls; fans of the opposite sex don't think so otherwise. A DOLORES unit, after all, likes to get wild and wet most of the time. What's not to love?
ANDREW LAEDDIS: The ANDREW LAEDDIS unit© is basically the less awesome version of the TEDDY DANIELS unit. No longer the badass hero he used to be, the ANDREW unit will often sulk and weep over the guilt of killing his family, and will likely give dramatic, metaphorical speeches before his duration expires. All TEDDY units hold deep grudges against ANDREW units and the mere mention of the name is enough for one to go on a bloody rampage.* So for your own safety (and your carpets), it is advised that a TEDDY unit be safely hidden whenever a GEORGE NOYCE unit is around.
*This was a minor defect of the "old version". Fortunately, it has already been fixed… or was it?
RACHEL LAEDDIS: That cute, little redhead every TEDDY unit sees in his dreams actually has a name. The RACHEL LAEDDIS unit© is the daughter of the ANDREW LAEDDIS unit and is one of the many dead people helping the TEDDY unit realize his true identity. Sadly, the production for more RACHEL LAEDDIS units has been terminated, considering every DOLORES CHANAL unit likes to drown them quickly once they've set their eyes on it.
RACHEL SOLANDO: This unit is actually a fictitious character from the psyche of the ANDREW LAEDDIS unit but later on, was given a flesh-and-blood appearance by the JOHN CAWLEY unit to impersonate your unit's dead wife and call him by the name of "Jim" (not to be confused with Jim Carroll). Though she may look insane, the RACHEL SOLANDO unit© is a very talented actress, able to pull convincing performances worthy of an Oscar nomination.
CHUCK AULE: Any good TEDDY DANIELS unit will not leave the house without a CHUCK AULE unit© by his side. The CHUCK AULE unit is the perfect buddy cop to your far from normal TEDDY unit whose funny, happy-go-lucky nature never fails to bring in a few good laughs to your seemingly angst-driven unit. The CHUCK AULE unit will often call your TEDDY unit "boss" (round up a drinking game and see how many times he mentions it), will smoke and lit cigarettes for him, and will gladly play "The Amazing Race" with him 24/7. No wonder everyone loves a CHUCK AULE!
Other Unit Interactions:
JOHN CAWLEY: When a JOHN CAWLEY unit© is around, your TEDDY unit will have ambivalent feelings towards him. The JOHN CAWLEY unit is very compassionate and understanding especially to his patients—unless you have issues about his car then things just might get a little bit ugly.
LESTER SHEEHAN: If you value the life of your TEDDY DANIELS unit, then this unit must be avoided at all cost. Believe or not, the LESTER SHEEHAN unit© is the CHUCK AULE unit in disguise! A LESTER SHEEHAN unit must be very careful when interrogating a TEDDY unit during this period of revelation because there is a high probability of him getting choked by his partner. Why? He risked his sweet ass just to save him, that's why!
JEREMIAH NAEHRING: The JEREMIAH NAEHRING unit© is the aristocratic colleague of the JOHN CAWLEY unit who favors sophisticated food, music, and lifestyles. When introduced to a TEDDY unit, a JEREMIAH NAEHRING unit will immediately mock him, calling him a "man of violence" because of his involvement in the war. It's no surprise why TEDDY units love to hate JEREMIAH units so much. Interactions between these two must be well supervised or else your TEDDY unit may end up drugging the poor old man to death.
MCPHERSON: A MCPHERSON unit© tends to be vigilant in the presence of a TEDDY unit. Although he has little involvement in the life of your TEDDY DANIELS unit, he does make an excellent tour guide and chaperone.
GEORGE NOYCE: No, he's not Sadako's lost groom! The GEORGE NOYCE unit© is simply a disfigured schizophrenic patient every "old version" TEDDY unit loves to bully around whenever he was in his not-so-normal state. Luckily, your TEDDY unit will no longer assault a GEORGE NOYCE unit because of his strict reputation in being a badass hero.
THE WARDEN: If there is anybody else who's a total jerk like the JEREMIAH unit, it is THE WARDEN unit© in his Nietzsche Wannabee mode. Though your TEDDY unit is rarely intimidated by THE WARDEN's nihilistic point-of-views, it's better to avoid crossing paths with him by letting your unit have his very own set of wheels. Lucky bastard.
Cleaning:
Your TEDDY DANIELS unit is fully capable of cleaning and grooming itself, much to the dismay of overzealous fangirls. Also, you don't have to worry about your TEDDY unit hogging the bathroom every morning when you're almost late for school. He doesn't like staying in the shower for too long since too much water can make him feel queasy.
Feeding and Rest:
Your TEDDY DANIELS unit is not a picky eater and will settle for whatever food served to him. He does, however, try to avert from drinking liquors so a small glass of soda water will suit him just fine.
Your TEDDY DANIELS unit is also capable of getting his daily doses of rest, but bear in mind that he is never a silent sleeper. Your TEDDY unit will often scream, murmur, or jump in a start in the middle of the night as the nightmares of his past constantly bugs him even in his sleep. Don't bother giving him medications, though. Heaven knows what a TEDDY unit might do if a doctor prescribes him some drugs. But if you really insist in getting a good night sleep with your TEDDY unit safely cuddled beside you, then putting earplugs might just be the next best alternative.
Disposal:
Disposing the TEDDY DANIELS unit is as easy as 1-2-3. One, reinforce his delusions until he reached the Clinically Deranged mode. Two, lead him to a lighthouse. Three, have a JOHN CAWLEY unit waiting for him at the top of the lighthouse. Simple as that. Just don't be surprised of all the people he'll nearly beat to death along the process.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):
Q: I just have my TEDDY DANIELS unit shipped into my house and I quickly noticed he has a small band-aid on his forehead. Was it a defective model?
A: Nope. Apparently, all TEDDY units have a small crew cut on their forehead which they probably got from a fight with the GEORGE NOYCE units. Try comparing his features with a GEORGE unit and you might just realize how seriously badass your TEDDY unit can be.
Q: I was watching Titanic together with my TEDDY DANIELS unit one night, when all of a sudden, he threw up. What gives?
A: Does the word 'too much water' ring a bell to you? With all the traumatic incidents involving water your TEDDY unit has experienced, it's no wonder why he gets so easily sick just by looking at one. Until then, refrain from watching movies that involves disasters on seas and treat him over a nice war movie instead.
Q: I'm a big YAOI fan but I can't get my TEDDY DANIELS unit to take a shower together with my CHUCK AULE unit. They did it once when they were in the Aschecliffe hospital but they refused to do it again. What should I do? I so badly wanted them to do that!
A: Next question.
Q: My ties are all missing! And so is my car! And my friend's car! What's happening?
A: Whoa, calm down, sir. It seems like you left your TEDDY unit carelessly in his Clinically Deranged mode. Kindly read the information on the State Reversal mode in order for things to go back to normal. Condolence for your car, though.
Q: I don't understand why my TEDDY DANIELS unit keeps saying 'Why are you all wet, baby?' over and over again… and I haven't even taken a bath yet! What's wrong?
A: Oh, there's nothing wrong with your TEDDY unit. He's just having his usual brief psychotic episodes of seeing his dead wife. He'll get over it soon enough. Seriously, do you really think he's pertaining to you?
Q: My TEDDY DANIELS unit just won't quit smoking! I tried enrolling him to Smokers Anonymous but with no positive results. What should I do?
A: Since your TEDDY unit is trying hard to stay sober for good, he compensates the need to retain his 'bad cop' image by smoking. Do not worry. There is an easy way for your TEDDY unit to quit. Just have him eat meals from the Aschecliffe cafeteria and, viola! Problem solved.
Troubleshooting:
Problem: The TEDDY DANIELS unit suddenly goes missing for days.
Answer: He's probably out there scouting cliffs and talking to an imaginary psychiatrist. Until then, have THE WARDEN unit round a search party. He'll be found in a jiffy.
Problem: The TEDDY DANIELS unit is having a migraine.
Answer: Nothing to worry. A little Aspirin can work miracles on a sick TEDDY unit. If you find this troubling, though, avoid any interactions from a RACHEL SOLANDO unit.
Problem: The TEDDY DANIELS unit is in his Clinically Deranged mode and there is no lighthouse to be found.
Answer: Any high place, like an attic or rooftops, would be fine. Just make sure the JOHN and LESTER units are present so they could immediately resolve the situation.
Warranty:
The normal functioning TEDDY DANIELS unit usually lasts for only four days, that is, if the State Reversal mode has already been activated on the third day of his waking state. If such is the case, you can always reset your TEDDY unit to its original manufactured setting. However, the chance of that happening is 50/50 for he will likely pretend to have regressed so the other units could terminate him.
With the right amount of care and maintenance, your EDWARD "TEDDY" DANIELS unit will live long enough (or at least for four days) without being a threat to others. Comments? Suggestions? Kindly click the small button below and we will gladly be there for your assistance. For more information, please visit or contact our website. Thank you.