Scott Pilgrim's Family Values

By: TrixieStixs

Prologue

"And if it's all a lie

The truth's not far behind

We could try to live right for the moment

Ramona, Ramona, Ramona" -Ramona "Beck"

"Are you o.k.?" A red haired girl with freckles asked a girl with shoulder length hair, that was dyed green, who just returned to her seat at the restaurant the two were dining at.

"Yeah, I'm fine Kim," the girl with green hair answered firmly. (Fun Fact: 85% of girls that say this statement are in fact, NOT FINE!) (Fun Fact 2: I just pulled that statistic out of my ass!)

"Are you sure Ramona? I mean, this is like the tenth time you have gone to the bathroom, in like… an hour." Kim Pine asked, concern in her voice for her good friend Ramona. After all, Ramona was one of the few people the redhead didn't hate. Kim Pine after all wasn't the easiest person to get along with. Many people couldn't handle her bubbly happy-go-lucky personality. (Last sentence= sarcasm!)

"Kim, stop worrying. I mean, It's probably the flu or something," Ramona responded, trying to reassure her good friend.

Kim just stared at the green haired girl, obviously she wasn't very impressed with her answer. Kim then closed her eyes and told the young women, "Your not going to like this, but… your going have to come with me." Kim then put some money on the table, to pay for the food, before getting up to leave the restaurant. Ramona then followed suit as the two women ventured into the cold winter air.

The women were dressed highly fashionable; Kim was wearing a tan colored jacket that's buttons were all on the right side of her body. Ramona's black jacket on the other hand had three, what appeared to be, yellow shooting stars protruding on the left side of the jacket's golden zipper. Kim was wearing blue jeans, Ramona black. The lady's outfits kept them warm despite the cold winter night in Toronto as the two walked a couple a blocks until finally making there way to a pharmacy with the honor of being called Band-Aid: The Healing Center.

Ramona then looked over at Kim and asked, "What are we doing here again? I told you, It's probably just the flu or something."

"Ramona, are you really trying to argue with me?" Kim asked her good friend with a sly smile.

The green haired girl just stared at Kim for a few seconds before answering, "Yeah, that's a losing battle isn't it?"

Kim just nodded in response before stepping in front of the entrance to the pharmacy where the automatic doors then slid open. The two then walked inside, the pharmacy was generically set-up with about fourteen rows filled with your every medical need. As they walked through a couple of isles Kim then turned over to her good friend and asked, "So, how long have you two been back together?"

"Scott? About six months or so," Ramona answered the seemingly random question.

"Hmm, alright," Kim then stopped in the middle of the isle they were at as she reached over and grabbed a box that was on the shelf to her right. Kim then turned back to Ramona and said, "Here you go."

Ramona had a shocked expression on her face and before asking in surprise, "What do you want me to do with that?"

"I don't know, use it!" Kim answered in a familiar sarcastic tone. Kim then began pushing Ramona in the back scooting her closer to the check-out counter. Ramona had a horrified look on her face as the two finally reached the cashier. Ramona then set the box that she was still holding onto the check-out counter, as a sketchy looking man ringed it up. There was a black information box next to him as well, it contained…

Name: Who really cares

Age: Old

Status: Creepy as hell

Fun Fact: you wouldn't want to meet him in a dark ally!

The cashier then asked to two women, very creepily, "Have you guys ever done a three way?"

Kim Pine just stared at the old dude.

He then stared back.

AND THEN… KIM PINE ATE HIS SOUL!

Well anyway… somewhere else.

Scott Pilgrim was making the greatest loaf of garlic bread he had ever made in his entire life. He had on a cooking apron that had the phrase "Kitchen Bitch!" on it, the apron pretty much summed Scott's job title. That is why Scott was so determined to make this loaf of garlic bread the greatest ever, he knew that if his manager tasted it he would move up in ranking and become a normal chef, like his friend Stephen Stills.(He is not here right now, it's his day off. If you don't like it…just DEAL WITH IT!) The loaf of bread then began to rise, the bread in fact did look deliciously well… delicious. Scott then began to shake his arms like one of those "Twilight" obsessed fan-girls after seeing "Edward" sneeze. (Needless to say, he looked kind of retarded…)

Scott then put on some oven mitts and grabbed the bread out of the oven, it was a lovely golden brown. After letting it cool down for a little bit he cut it into about 8 slices, putting it on a porcelain platter he then went over to the check out where Dominique his manger was. It was about five minutes before closing time so Scott went over to the young woman and asked, "How about you try this awesome bread I made?"

Dominique then picked up a slice and took a bite before saying, "WOW, this is really some great garlic bread!"

"So… Can I "rank-up" and become just a normal chef?" Scott asked, A giddy smile plastered on his face.

Dominique then looked at Scott and asked, almost rhetorically, "You do know this is a Mexican restaurant? We are called "The Happy Avocado" we don't serve garlic bread here."

Scott Pilgrim's grin then deflated as he wore a sad frown, a status box then appeared beside him and read, SCOTT PILGRIM: COMPLETE DUMBASS!

"But, since this was the best garlic bread I've ever tasted, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have you become a full time chef. You just have to learn the menu by next week," Dominique said before Scott totally lost his mind.

"Really?" Scott asked, half surprised, half amazed.

"Really," Dominique answered, starting to get annoyed by this point. She then continued by saying, "Now get out of here, it's closing time and I don't want to see your face any longer then I have to."

Scott now outside and beginning to walk home grinning as he could not wait to brag about his new promotion to his girlfriend Ramona Flowers. Scott's pants began to vibrate and emit the victory music from Final Fantasy VII, causing him to spazz out, an amusing site to the people walking down the street that could see him. After a few seconds of fighting with his pant's pocket, he finally retrieved the cell phone.(Oh yeah, Scott has a cell phone now. There is a story behind this… but, I'm to lazy to write it!) Scott then answered with a simple, "Hello?"

"Guess who's,(Hic.), drunk?" A familiar voice said over the cell phone.

"I guess Wallace," Scott responded to his heavily intoxicated friend.

"You,(Hic.), guess, (Hic.), right!" Wallace, drunk off his ass, answered his best straight friend. (Also, please note, drunken hiccups=no fun! Trust me on that one…)

Scott, very unamused with the question then told his friend, "It's like only like ten o'clock. Isn't it a little early to be drunk?"

"Isn't it a little early for you to act like a little bitch?" Was Wallace's only response, well besides the three drunken hiccups that happened after he responded.

"Ha, Ha," Scott faked laughed before continuing. "Guess who got promoted at his job today?"

"Good for you little buddy!" Wallace congratulated , though it was almost impossible to understand in the drunken state he was in.

"Well, I've got to go. I'm home and I have to tell Ramona the good news!" Scott told Wallace, he wasn't lying too. He was, in fact, standing in front of the house him and Ramona were living in.

"Alright, buddy, I'll talk to you later," Wallace said before hanging up the phone.

Scott then put the cell phone away as he unlocked the door to the house. He then stepped inside and said, very loudly, "Ramona, guess who got promoted at work today?"

There was no response, so Scott began to take off his blue parka and called out again, "Ramona?"

Scott then hurried up the stairs to their bedroom that had light emitting from it. Still calling out to his girlfriend, until he reached their bedroom. He then saw Ramona in an eerily familiar pose as she sat at the edge their bed, her head glowing with a bright light around it. Scott then asked his love, "Is everything alright Ramona? Are you, O.K?"

"Everything is fine Scott. I've just, I've just got to tell you something," Ramona quietly answered.

"Are you leaving me?" Scott asked, worry in every word of the sentence. Scott then went over to Ramona and bent down beside her.

"No, it's not that Scott," Ramona replied putting her boyfriend at ease.

"Then what is it?" Scott asked looking Ramona in the eyes, their faces a few feet apart.

Ramona then began twiddling her fingers before responding, "Well… I'm, I'm pregnant!"

Right after Ramona said the word "pregnant" a boxing glove, one of those spring loaded ones, appeared to shoot out of her mouth. The spring itself seemed to spell the word as the boxing glove plowed into Scott's face. An announcers voice could be heard saying, "K.O!" as the fist sent Scott flying across the room.

Scott then laid unconscious on the floor as Ramona worriedly asked, "Scott, are you alright? Scott?"

A/N: Considering all the great feedback I've got on my first Scott Pilgrim story, I've decided to start a new one. Well guys I hoped you liked the first chapter in my new Scott Pilgrim fiction! This is going to be a pretty long and epic story, so I hope this chapter wasn't too bad. I also have three other Scott Pilgrim stories in my head. Check out my profile if you want to find out more about them. I might even put up a poll to see what one you guys think sounds the best. As always feedback, is greatly appreciated. I hope I kept all the characters in character. Well anyway, thanks for reading!

-TrixieStixs