OK- TWITARDS BEWARE.

EVERYONE- BEWARE OF PRODUCT OF KATHRYN'S BOREDOM

Figure out all you can about OMCM. Not very cryptic...

DISCLAIMER- Fortunately for Colin, I don't own Merlin ;)

All You Need Is Love?

Or

Random Crap That Kathryn Wrote In ICT Class

Arthur's boots crunched quietly through the dry golden leaves. Merlin's boots crunched… Not so quietly… Through the leaves beside him.

They were looking for a creature that supposedly had been eating all the deer, elk, and general forest animals. It wasn't a huge threat now- but what happens when animals are no longer enough? WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE? OMCM.

It had never been seen, but people were beginning to worry. Merlin suddenly tripped and fell flat on his face, causing a loud kerfuffle (Cool word) and causing Arthur to whip his head around and hiss at him. 'Melrin! (The author wonders how it is possible that every single time she types 'Merlin' it always ends up as 'Melrin') It'll hear us!'

'Sorry.' Melrin (Please hold for a moment.*runs in circles screaming*) grinned apologetically as he clambered back up.

Suddenly, as he straightened up, something hideous and ugly jumped onto Merlin's back and savagely attacked his neck.

Merlin turned his head to the thing biting him.

'Avada Kedavra!' Merlin yelled, as the creature was flung off him by the force of the green light.

Arthur went white. 'That was- that was magic! OMGWTFBBQ!'

'Oh, shut the fuck up Arthur. You should have figured out something by now.'

Unaccustomed to being spoken to in this way, Arthur could only blink. So he blinked.

And after The Blink (OMG wait- don't blink! Whatever you do don't blink!) they both turned to the now-lifeless creature at their feet.

Merlin whistled. 'Man, that shit is fugly.' And it was. The late afternoon sun shone on the creature's fake abs. Get this- it SPARKLED.

Arthur shook his head. 'This is a perversion of nature. VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE, STEPHANIE!' He yelled the last part at the sky, taken over for mere moments by the spirits of angry Twilight haters and embodied by the spirit of a particularly pissed-off Aussie girl named Kathryn. Merlin just stared at him as he frowned in confusion.

'What's a vampire? And who the hell is Stephanie?'

'… Actually, I don't know.' Arthur and Merlin both frowned.

Suddenly a plain clumsy whiny annoying young Mary-Sue with brown eyes and brown hair and pale skin and wooden acting skills ran into the clearing with a writer that has about as much writing knowledge of sentence structure and how to write while sounding intelligent without raping the thesaurus for all it's worth as this sentence.

'Who the hell are you?'

'I am totes like Bella Swan.'

'Wait- your name means beautiful swan? That's gay.'

'Yea- wait what? Anyways nevermind I have to totes find my Edward. omgwtfbbq he is dead. Nooes. I must now live without him. I shall totes turn emo and throw myself off a cliff.'

Out of nowhere, there came a giant white van being driven by a moron who was fugly but not as fugly as the dead sparkly shit over there.

Bella was squashed. Kathryn cheered. Thousands of Team Tyler's Van fangirls just celebrated their victory by buying new limited edition Bella Dartboards.

Suddenly, Merlin swayed on the spot, and collapsed. Arthur ran over to where he lay, and saw that the fugly sparkly masochistic paedophile emo had bitten into his neck severely. We shall call him the FSMPE, or FAG for short. (For any of you that haven't already guessed, I rather dislike Twilight and affiliated characters. ESPECIALLY YOU ROBERT PATTINSON!)

He tossed him over the horse-that-was-there-the-whole-time-but-you-didn't-see-it to take him to see Gaius.

o

Morgana sat beside Merlin's bed as he lay unconscious. The wound was too deep, and Gaius had told them all yesterday that there was no way he could survive naturally. Black tear tracks coated her cheek from the mascara-which-wasn't-invented-in-that-time-but-she-wore-it-anyways-and-looked-good-doing-it.

Morgana randomly decided that she would go to see the Great Dragon for help. (What do you mean she doesn't know he's there? Of course she does, because Morgana's awesome.)

o

'… And we need to get him healthy again. I need him healthy again. Please can you help? If not for me, then for his-destiny-which-has-something-to-do-with-coins.'

'Alright, witch. I have deigned that I shall give you advice, but watch out for the man with the golden eyes, he is not all that he seems. Now, I can give you useless riddles which you will then ignore, or I can give you some advice that makes sense and that you will ignore, or I can-'

'SPILL IT, BITCH!'

'OK! Jesus. Such an injury can only be cured by the most powerful thing in the world!'

'Chuck Norris?'

'No, apart from him. It's love. Pure, unfailing, unfaltering, selfless true love.'

'The most powerful thing in the world? That's so gay… Wait- Dumbledore was RIGHT!'

'Who the fuck is Dumbledore?'

Morgana then proceeded to retell the fantastic (well, hey, it's better than twilight) story of witches, wizards, magic and British railway stations that was Harry Potter, boy wizard.

The Dragon was silent for a time, thoughtful.

And then, 'You know, I reckon Dumbledore was gay.'

Morgana nodded. She (and possibly every other person on the planet) had considered this.

o

Morgana sat beside Merlin's bedside once again. In a dramatic turn of events and a long discussion about the possibility of a gay Dumbledore, she had learned that to save Merlin, she had to heal him with her magical power, or some shit like that.

She knelt down beside him, and concentrated. And concentrated some more. And then kept on concentrating. Like orange juice.

'NOTHING'S HAPPENING, LIZARD!'

'I know. I just wanted to hear about Harry Potter. Merlin's been doomed since Edward bit him.'

'What about that coin thing? And who the hell's Edward?'

'Oh, right, that. Yeah, I lied. And Edward, for your information, is gorgeous.'

'Uh-huh? Well, not as HOT as the original Edward was going to be!*'

'Nuh-uh!'

'Uh-huh!'

In the middle of the long unnecessary argument, Merlin died.

'Ah well. There's always Facebook.' With this, Morgana pulled out her laptop and sat down.

THE END

kk- Thank God that's over. :D

NOW... Push the purdy button just... Down there. You know you can see that button. You know you want to press it...

No?

Ok... Reverse Psychology... PLEASE! PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO! do NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUSH THAT BUTTON! THE UNIVERSE WILL IMPLODE!

No?

Thought I had you with that.

Fine... You asked for it.

IF YOU DO NOT PRESS THAT BUTTON... I will pair... MERLIN with UTHER! ARTHUR with GAIUS! MORGANA with VIVIAN! AND GWEN WITH THE GREAT DRAGON (no, seriously, the chemistry is undeniable! Although... The mutant babies, less so...)