Prompt #73: Symbolic/Symbolism

Title: Misdirection

Word Count: 1000 exactly

Rating: T, for swears and pure crack

Summary: Everybody loves Ed. No, really.

A/N: Just total fun, and not to be taken seriously at all. Based upon the many shipping wars, during which people say pairings are canon solely because of symbolism and such. :D FMA Belongs to the cow with the specs. Sadly, I had to cut a lot of this to fit the word count.

Won third place in the contest with this fic! Betaed by please-knock, the lovely lady. Thanks to her! Enjoy and comment if you please.

Someone was kissing his ear. He turned his head toward the touch. "Who?" He smiled. "Winry…"

A voice purred above him. "Well, that depends. I'll be whoever you want me to be."

That sure as hell wasn't Winry's voice. His eyes snapped open.

…and he screamed at the top of his lungs.

Envy winked and giggled. "My, getting loud rather early today, aren't we?"

Ed clapped his hands together, slamming them against the wall. An alchemical fist sprung forward and knocked Envy to the opposite wall.

Cracking his neck, blood and bruises healing instantly, Envy smirked. "So you want it rough today, baby? I know just how you like it…"

"Don't fucking call me that!" Ed shrieked, alchemizing his automail arm, throwing himself forward and into a fighting position.

Envy pouted. "Oh, but baby-"

Ed charged, but stopped as Envy held out arms in open invitation. "Don't call me that!" He created another fist from alchemy, but Envy dodged neatly, purring when he spoke this time.

"Well, I can hardly call you shrimp, now can I?" Envy's eyes went slowly up and down his body, lingering at his lap. "I know you're anything but small…"

Ed could do nothing but stare for a moment. Then, shrieking at the top of his lungs, he ran pell-mell from the room.

"AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!"

He found his brother waiting in the hotel lobby, calmly reading the newspaper, a breakfast waiting across the table for Ed.

Ed slid to a halt, panting. Grabbing Al's shoulder spikes, he shook the armor back and forth. "Al, we have to get out of here! The homunculi have a new scheme and I'm scared shitless!"

Al sighed. "Brother, you're causing a disruption. Please relax and-"

"DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX! ENVY JUST TRIED TO MOLEST ME!"

Al peeled his brother's fingers off of his shoulder. "Again? He's tenacious."

"Yes, agai-" Ed froze. "Wait, what do you mean, again?"

Folding up the newspaper, Al responded. "I mean exactly what I said. Now hurry up, brother, you're late enough as it is."

"Yes," Ed cast a frightened look at the stairs. "Let's go."

On the way to Central, he had calmed down and mostly assured himself that it was a new attempt from the homunculi to unsettle him.

"That freak is more twisted than I thought," Ed said, shuddering as they walked through the gates into the military command.

"Actually," Al said as a number of young military men passed by, talking loudly. "I think Envy's handling it well. During your Rose faze he wasn't the only one that went crazy."

"What was that, Al?" Ed asked, as they stopped outside of Mustang's office. "Nevermind," Ed waved a hand. "Let's deal with the bastard first."

"I'll wait outside," Al said, pulling the newspaper out again.

Raising an eyebrow, Ed put a hand on the doorknob. "Why?"

Shaking his head, Al responded with a deadpan: "Honestly Ed, do you really think I want to watch?"

Thoroughly confused, Ed shrugged. "Uh. Alright. Suit yourself. See ya in a minute."

Another man was in the room, speaking to Mustang.

Ed frowned, then he rolled his eyes. Mustang must have had something to brag about. That would explain why the older man was staring at him. After a moment, the man nodded, saluted both Ed and Mustang, and left the room.

The moment the door closed Ed opened his mouth, but Mustang spoke before he could.

"At last. I thought he'd never leave."

With surprising speed, Mustang was in front of him. "What the fuck, Mustang?"

Seeming not to have heard him, Mustang sighed happily. "Oh how I've missed those eyes…" the older man reached forward and cupped Ed's cheek.

Scrambling away, Ed scuttled behind a desk. "WHAT THE FUCK!"

"What's wrong, Fullmetal?" Mustang scowled. "Its not one of the others, is it? I swear to you, Edward, Rose is no good for you! You're just a hero figure to her, and Winry only wants the metal attached to you, and god knows how unhealthy that is-"

Quite unable to form a coherent word, Ed gaped.

"-and I know you're not with me just because you can't have your brother. Then there's that Xingese Prince. Ed, he just wants someone to look pretty next him, and you know you're better than that!" Mustang took a pleading step forward. "No one understands you like I do…"

Ed's mouth opened and closed soundlessly.

Mustang's expression turned to one of torment. He fell to his knees, walking on them toward Ed beseechingly.

"Its not about Maes, is it?" Mustang whispered. "I swear to you, I'm over him-"

His brain finally catching up with him, Ed vaulted over the desk, and sprinted for the door, Mustang chasing after him.

Holding the door closed, Ed looked desperately at his brother.

"Al!" Ed screamed. "Mustang is talking like he's in love with me and-"

Al didn't look up from the paper. "Everyone knows already. Just calm down."

"Wh-" Ed struggled to maintain hold on the door. "How can this-"

"It's in the subtext," Al said. "Apparently. I mean, Envy telling you everything about Ishval was obviously his way of showing he cares- I mean really." Flipping a page, Al continued. "Then for Rose and Winry, well they're cute and have boobs so it was fair to have a fling for a while. And Ling, well, we all know how you love to experiment, Ed. And Mustang? Your overplayed dislike of each other revealed everything. Honestly, stop trying to deny it. Besides, all those other people are temporary. Remember, brother? As soon as I get my body back, I want to know what your skin feels like…"

"Hey, boss," Havoc said, glancing at the door. "Lover's spat?"

Finally reaching a boiling point, Ed let go of the door, and threw his arms up in the air. "THIS DOESN"T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

Havoc shrugged, lighting a cigarette as Mustang burst through. "Makes for a hell of a kinky twist, though, huh?"