Full title: How to make a woman fall in love with you in 30 days.

The Rundown: Hidan (and a few other Akatsuki) propose a bet to Kakuzu in hopes of weaseling away some of the ryo he has horded. To do this they choose something they're positive Kazuku isn't capable of doing; getting a woman to fall in love with him. Not just any woman either, the clueless Akatsuki housekeeper. How far is Kakuzu willing to go for a few Ryo?

AN: Okay children! First of all there will be no Hidan X Kakuzu (not that I have a problem with that) the 'maid' has no special powers, she was not rescued by Kakuzu, she will not suddenly realize half-way through the story that she's someone's sister/cousin/aunt/miscellaneous relative…or some sort of powerful ninja…the story is what it is… It's just that I had often wondered who cooked/cleaned/mended etc. for the Akatsuki.

The 'maid' is HEAVILY based on (an exaggerated) Tohru Honda from Fruits Basket (So much so that I named her Tohru…I'm so original…I know)…actually this idea came to me while I was watching Fruits Basket and looking up stuff on the Akatsuki… you don't like her kind of character…don't read it. I didn't categorize this as a crossover even though the character is the same, because that's as far as it goes, there will be no other references to Fruits Basket. (SO NO SHE'S NOT SECRETLY PART OF THE ZODIAC!)

For Kakuzu's little 'guide' I borrowed a few of dares found in the book 'The Love Dare, bay by day'

Rated M: Hidan is of course involved…so naturally there will be cursing. Heavy lime and lemon will be added waaaaaaaaaaay down the line. I enjoy smut as much as the next fan-girl but they're not going to be jumping each other for a while….a long while… For those of you who don't like citrus I will write it in such a way that you won't be missing anything if you skip those parts.

I'm sorry this is so long, I usually don't bother but considering the wide array of Akatsuki fics out there, I wanted to make it clear what my intentions were…so you don't go reading through a few chapters waiting for something that just isn't going to happen…don't want to waste your time.

Anyway…with that out of the way…this will be my only major AN…scouts honor…

Chapter 1: Day Zero. A bet is made.

"Hey dipshit…you ever been in love?" Hinad asked

obnoxiously as he walked beside Kabuzu on their way back to the Akatsuki base.

"No," Kakuzu replied gruffly.

"Hn."

Kakuzu glanced sideways at Hidan, he had given up uncharacteristically quickly on the matter. Usually if Hidan wanted to pry into his personal life, or lack thereof, he would persist until Kakuzu finally gave him the information he sought or beat him until he stopped asking. Something was up.

"Why?" he asked, his voice giving no hint to the curiosity that welled up inside him.

"You're pretty old," Hidan shrugged. "Just figured someone who's been around as long as you would have had some sort of relationship with at least one person."

"I've had many relations with women," Kakuzu replied, slightly worried Hidan was getting around to questioning his sexuality.

"There's a difference between fucking someone and loving someone," Hidan said as he rolled his eyes. "Even someone like me knows that."

"No I have never been in love with someone."

Kakuzu hoped that would be the end of the subject but realized he was sorely mistaken when Hidan spoke again.

"Yeah, guess it was a little stupid to ask. Who the fuck would love someone like you?" he snorted. "Bet you couldn't even get the most desperate of women to fall for ya."

Kakuzu remained silent, he wasn't sure what Hidan was playing at but he didn't want any part of it.

"Hell, I'd even be willing to wager money on it," Hidan drawled, hiding a smirk when Kakuzu shifted in his step. He knew that would get his attention.

"Somewhere along the lines of say… eight-hundred and seventy."

"That would hardly be worth my time," Kakuzu grumbled.

"Thousand."

"There's no way you have that kind of ryo."

Hidan grinned; he could tell his ever stoic companion was at least somewhat interested.

"Don't I?" he sighed innocently. "You'd be surprised…so how bout it?"

"No."

It was a reasonable amount of ryo, yes, but it would be more trouble than it was worth. Women always brought trouble.

"I'll double it," Hidan said, they had pulled together enough ryo to go three times his initial offer but he was hoping to get him to go for less.

"No."

"Triple."

"What are you trying to pull?" Kakuzu growled. Hidan didn't do shit, he couldn't have pocketed a payout that big.

"Two million, six-hundred and ten thousand ryo says you can't make a girl fall in love with you within a month."

Kakuzu's eye narrowed in thought. Granted some of his bounties usually brought in double, if not more, than what Hidan was offering but this seemed all too easy. Essentially, in his mind at least, he would be making money while sitting around doing nothing. Women weren't that hard to entice into a false feeling of love.

"I want to see the money before I agree to anything."

"Of course, of course," Hidan grinned, Kakuzu had taken the bait. In thirty days, after the money was spilt, he would be about half a million ryo richer. "I'll show you that I really mean business once we get to Amegakure."

"Kakuzu- sama…Hidan-sama!" Tohru squeaked as she flew up from her position on the couch, the little book she had been reading flying back somewhere into the darkness of the living-room.

"Tohru," Hidan drawled, giving the slender girl a lazy wave of his hand.

"Tohru-san," Kakuzu greeted, only sparing a momentary glace towards her general direction before following Hidan as he made his way past the archway that led into the living room.

Tohru fidgeted a little then followed the two into the hallway. "I didn't realize you two would be getting back tonight," she said nervously.

Hidan paused at the end of the hall to look into the kitchen with something akin longing. They had missed dinner but the aroma of whatever had been served still hung in the air.

"Everyone has already eaten," Tohru said in a rush. "But I can make you something…anything you want really…"

Her chatter faded into background noise for the two ninja she followed. Hidan stopped once he reached the door to his room, giving Kakuzu a nod to go ahead inside.

"I could make something quick, unless you're willing to wait…" Tohru continued on, her words only fading once Hidan placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Anything will be fine," Hidan said slowly, as if speaking to a child, before turning her around and giving her a slight push towards the kitchen.

"You exercise a lot of restraint with her," Kakuzu noted once Hidan closed the door behind him.

"I don't want Konan breathing fire down my fucking throat and I'm smart enough to not piss off a girl who makes me food and…" Hidan paused to point at his freshly made bed. "Makes my bed even when I'm not here."

"Hn," Kakuzu nodded in understanding. "So where's the money?"

"Here," Hidan said as he pulled a faded but full looking backpack out from under his bed.

Kakuzu gripped the bag, yanking it way from Hidan.

"Count it if you want, then we can go over the details."

"I indent to," Kakuzu remarked, reaching in to pull out the first brick of ryo. His fingers moved expertly through the bills as be began counting. "So what are the rules to this little bet?"

"Not going to throw you off?" Hidan asked, eyeing Kakuzu slightly.

"No."

"Thirty days."

Kakuzu nodded.

"Not just get her into bed either, she actually has to admit that she loves you…"

"Any woman?" Kakuzu broke in as he moved to another stack.

"No, but we'll get to that. You can't force her to do anything or threaten her…or tell her about the bet."

Another nod, "So who do you have in mind, if it's Konan I'll tell you right now that there's no way in hell…"

"It's not Konan," Hidan sneered. "But you do know her…sorta."

"I don't like games Hidan," Kakuzu warned as he went for the last of the ryo. "Who is it?"

"Our little housekeeper."

Kakuzu's fingers didn't falter once, much to Hidan's disappointment. He was hoping for some kind of reaction at least.

"She's a bit young don't you think."

"Any woman I choose would be too fucking young," Hidan retorted dryly.

"Just make her love me?"

"Yes."

"I don't have to sleep with her?"

"Could be an added bonus but no."

Kakuzu set the last of the ryo down, it had all been there, "Who else is in on this?"

"What do you mean?" Hidan asked, he tried keeping his voice inconspicuous but failed miserably.

"There's no way you could have gotten this all on your own," Kakuzu said motioning to the ryo.

Hidan gave a frustrated groan, he should have anticipated Kakuzu catching on.

"Sasori, Zetsu, Kisame and of course myself."

"Zetsu and Sasori?" Kakuzu repeated as he walked over to Hidan's door, cracking it open just enough to peek his head out.

It was a straight shot down the hall to the kitchen. He couldn't see Tohru but could faintly hear her talking to herself. Either she was just that craved for some sort of interaction, or she was crazy. As long as he didn't have to sleep with her he figured it should be easy enough, he wouldn't even have to leave the base.

Kakuzu closed the door again only somewhat listening to Hidan's explanation of how Zetsu and Sasori had gotten involved.

"You can't kill her to get out of it either," Hidan suddenly added in the middle of a completely different sentence.

"I won't kill her."

"So you're actually agreeing to this?"

"If you agree to my own rules, yes."

"What are they?" Hidan asked suspiciously.

"None of you are to interfere and any snide comments made during all this will get you killed."

"Interfere how?"

Kakuzu shrugged, "Telling her horror stories about me, trying to rival me for her affections, anything to porously further the already substantial gap between us."

"Fair enough," Hidan agreed. "Be warned though, she might have a little bit of a thing for Deidara."

"Why do you say that?"

"She can talk to him…without going on…whatever the fuck you call her weird little…rants? But that could also be because anytime she leaves the base he goes with her, unless he's not here, then Konan takes her."

"Hn," Kakuzu smirked from under his mask as a thought came to mind. If he was going to agree to this wager, might as well sweeten the deal. "How about we up the stakes?"

"Like how?"

"If I can do this, you have to refrain from your little rituals for three months."

"Fuck no!"

"Fine, no deal."

"Wait," Hidan growled as he sat on the edge of his bed. There wasn't any chance in hell that Kakuzu could ever get Tohru to feel anything at all for him, so he shouldn't have anything to worry about. "What if you can't?"

"I won't try taking any bounties while on missions for three months."

"No bounties at all," Hidan countered.

"Fine, I won't take any at all," Kakuzu agreed. "Not that it matters, this will be easy."

"U-uh, Hidan-sama?" a small voice called from the other side of the door.

Hidan grinned wickedly at Kakuzu before getting up and opening the door. When Tohru entered carrying a tray of food, chattering mindlessly, Kakuzu took the opportunity to really take her in. She had been with the Akatsuki for a while now but he had never really paid much attention to her. There wasn't anything particularly extraordinary about her but he supposed she was somewhat attractive. She was…wholesome looking, with her long brown hair and large teal-grey eyes.

"Um," Tohru smiled apprehensively as she looked back and forth between Hidan and Kakuzu. "Are you going to be staying with Hidan-sama tonight Kakuzu-sama?"

Kakuzu felt his temper rise dangerously at her assumption but managed to keep it in check.

"No, I'll be sleeping in my own room," he managed to say calmly and evenly.

"Would you like me to leave a tray in your roo…"

"No, I'll eat in the kitchen." As ridiculous as he had thought Hidan was for talking so slowly to the girl earlier, Kakuzu now found himself doing the same.

"Okay," she replied hesitantly before setting the tray down on Hidan's bed then disappearing back down the hall.

"Where are you going?" Hidan asked as Kakuzu moved to follow Tohru.

"There's no use procrastinating," he replied simply.

"So the clock starts tonight?"

"No, I won't be cheated out of days. It was your own stupid fault for not waiting till morning."

Kakuzu entered the dark kitchen just as Tohru finished setting a few bowls on the table. She tried desperately not to fidget but couldn't help it. Kisame often referred to Hidan and Kakuzu as zombies, which terrified her. She understood how Hidan could be considered a zombie, he just couldn't be killed but she wasn't sure about Kakuzu. She had also never actually seen his face which most often caused her imagination to run rampant. Then there was his last partner…

"Do you always stand there and space out like that?" Kakuzu asked while sitting down at the table.

"Sometimes," Tohru answered truthfully.

"You going to stay to watch me eat?" Kakuzu asked, a little more forcefully than he had intended.

"Sorry," Tohru shuddered, making a B-line for the exit.

"It was just a question," Kakuzu said, trying to take on a more gentle tone. "You don't have to leave if you don't want to."

"I should really be getting to bed anyway," Tohru stammered, slowly inching out the door as Kakuzu began to reach up to remove his mask. She really did not want to see what he hid under there. "I have grocery shopping to do in the morning and Deidara-kun gets a little annoyed if I'm not ready on time."

Tohru turned and scurried down the hall just before the mask was removed.

'Deidara-kun,' Kakuzu mused as he noted the honorific. 'Hidan might be right. I'll need to do something about that.'

"Hurry up!"

Kakuzu scowled as Deidara's voice echoed into his room, even through a closed door. He didn't like waking up to the sound of anyone screaming but Deidara had a way of grating against his nerves like none other.

"I'm sorry Deidara-kun!" another voice called out accompanied by the thumping sound of someone running past his room.

"What are you looking for?"

"I can't fine my umbrel…"

"Will you two shut the fuck up!" Hidan screamed.

"Shit Hidan put some clothes on," yelled Deidara. "Tohru-chan, cover your eyes!"

"H-hai!"

Kakuzu quickly pulled his mask and hood on, followed by his forehead protector. He had fallen asleep in his clothes and sandals so it only took a moment before he was out his door to survey what the 'kids' were up to.

Tohru was standing near his door with her hands covering her eyes. Deidara was at the far end of the hall squawking at a very naked and irate looking Hidan who was standing half in, half out of his room

"Hidan," Kakuzu growled. "Not that you have much to look at but no one wants to see you naked."

"Fuck you!" Hidan screamed before retreating back into his room and slamming the door.

Torhu peeked out through her fingers, watching as a few pieced of plaster fell from the ceiling.

"S-sorry if we woke you Kakuzu-sama."

"You're going out to do your shopping?"

"Uh-huh," Tohru smiled, her hands falling back to her sides.

"I have a few errands of my own to do today, so I'll take you instead of Deidara."

"H-hai?" Tohru frowned slightly.

Kakuzu couldn't tell if she was let down or simply confused.

"I've not been out with you before," Torhu said with a sudden bright smile.

"I'm not sure if I trust you to watch her, hn," Deidara scowled, walking up to the two.

"It will be an adventure Deidara-kun," she said with much too much gusto. "But I still need to find my umbrella."

"Go get mine out of my room, hn," Deidara said, smirking a little as Tohru bounded off to do just that.

"She'll talk to just about anyone, hn," said Deidara once she was gone, glaring at Kakuzu. "And she's really gullible so you have to watch her like a hawk, hn."

"Ready!" Tohru said happily as she bounced back into the hallway with a black umbrella in hand.

"But…" she murmured, getting a little uncomfortable. "Deidara-kun said he would take me to the book-store, will that still be okay Kakuzu-sama?"

"Bookstore?" Kakuzu repeated.

"Icha-Icha," Deidara muttered under his breath. "She's a fan of the Icha-Icha series and a new book came out three days ago, hn. I promised I would take her to go pick one up, you sure you still want to take her, hn?"

Kakuzu nodded slightly, "That will be fine."

"Hn," he added mockingly.

Kakuzu glanced down towards girl beside him. It was a wonder that she wasn't freezing. By the time they had finally left it had stopped raining but a heavy chill still clung to the air and she was only wearing a thin looking pink sweater and a white skirt that bordered on being an inappropriate length. He did find her little yellow rain-boots somewhat comical but didn't show it.

In the back of his mind he was beginning to question his judgment in accepting the bet. At first he had thought that it would be easy but was beginning to see that this could end up being more difficult. If he was too direct it could very well scare her off but if he was too subtle she would simply take it as being friendly. He understood why Tohru had been chosen now; she was blissfully oblivious to most things. She didn't even seem to notice the strange and sometimes frightened looks they were getting.

"We're here," Tohru chimed stopping in front of a small book store.

Kakuzu tried not to cringe; even from the outside it looked incredibly…pink.

"Y-you don't have to go in," Tohru offered timidly, noticing how his eyes narrowed.

"No, just be quick."

"Hai!" And with that she was off, followed slowly by Kakuzu.

An eruption of little squeaks and squeals bounced around the store as Tohru fondled the books and various merchandise somewhere near the back of the shop. Kakuzu remained near the front, other than the cashier they were the only ones in there so there was no need to stay too close. Out of sheer boredom he skimmed over the nearest row of books. His eyes were drawn to one in particular. The red cover was simple enough but it was the gold text that had caught his attention.

How to make a woman fall in love with you in 30 days.

It all seemed too incredibly ironic. He told himself that he didn't need some ridiculous book to help him win the bet but he still found himself moving towards it. He looked up to make sure Tohru was still occupied, which she was. He then looked backwards, he half expected Hidan to jump out of nowhere and yell "Ah-hah". He snorted at the thought.

'It couldn't hurt,'he reasoned as he picked up the small book.

The boy behind the counter was so enthralled with watching Tohru as she bounded up to him carrying her book and an oversized plushy that he missed it when Kakuzu slipped the book into his cloak. He wasn't going to waste his money on something so stupid.

"Who's that supposed to be?" Kakuzu asked, nodding to the plushy of what he assumed was supposed to be a man with tan skin and long black hair. He really didn't care but he knew he needed to show some sort of interest.

"I don't know yet," Torhu beamed as she held the doll out in front of herself, her head lolling to one side to mimic the dolls movement. "But I'm pretty sure it's the new main character."

"Hn," Kakuzu grunted. Maybe that book would be useful; he really didn't understand this girl.

REVIEWS MAKE ME HAPPY!...but I'll update regardless.

And yay, finished this in time. It's Kakuzu's birthday tomorrow.

Also Amegakure, I dunno if an Akatsuki base would actually be there…but it made sense…to me at least.