Going Under

By Evanescence

Now I will tell you what I've done for you

Fifty thousand tears I've cried

Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you

And you still won't hear me!

Father, I did everything I possibly could to please you. I tried to be the smartest and the best, but my sister was always beat me to it. Do you not acknowledge me anymore? Me, your first born son? I've wasted tears on you, tears of anguish and pain and anger. I've broken trust of people that actually cared for me for you. I tracked the Avatar to bring him to you, a seemingly impossible quest because I thought you would love me when I did.

And still I'm nothing! Not that you care…. because you never did, did you? Seeing as you were completely willing to sacrifice my innocent life as a young boy. Seeing as you scarred my face in front of a huge crowd of people, then lied about it to protect yourself. Seeing as you banished me as a teenager, maybe because you just couldn't stand me that much because I'm just such a failure.

Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself

Maybe I'll wake up for once

No tormented daily, defeated by you

Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I fall deep down into this deception. You make me believe that I'll matter if I do everything possible to please you. But I will find my way out, father, and I will wake up from this nightmare of you and realize my true destiny. I thought before my life was at its worst, but being in your presence and having to lie and feel so fake makes everything worse.

But the nightmare is not over yet because your ceaseless torment over me has not ended. The emotional one continues, though the physical pain you left on me has been gone for a long time. But mark my words, I'll awaken, I'll fight back. I won't feel this pain anymore.

I'm dying again

I'm going under

Drowning in you

Falling forever

I've got to break through

I'm going under

Never before now have I realized I'm dying inside. Or at least part of me is dying. The side that tried to please you is slipping, dying. I'm drowning in you, in everything you've tried to make me think, believe, feel, want and even need. I'm falling for what seems an eternity, for a long-lasting forever. I want to, I need to, I have to, I will break through these waves of anger and lies and pain.

But for now, I'm slipping, falling, dying… A number of words to describe me descent into this, this, this sea of many emotions. Or most simply, I'm going under.

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies

So I don't know what's real and what's not

Always confusing these thoughts in my head

So I can't trust myself anymore!

You've done this to me. You've caused me to doubt my every thought, my every answer. You've taught me to be arrogant and to not trust. And now that I'm breaking away from you and my former self, I can't tell what it is right and wrong, good and evil, truth and lies. I confuse and frustrate myself, because of you. Father, I'm just so confused. I would look to you for guidance, as I'm supposed to, being your son and all, but I can't. I have to solve all of this on my own. Why?

Because of my desire to have you care, I betrayed the only person besides Mom who cared. I betrayed Uncle for you, and it was a waste of time! Since I can't even trust myself anymore, due to all the bad decisions I've made! And guess whose partial fault is that? Yours! Do you get that? I can't trust myself because of you!

I'm dying again

I'm going under

Drowning in you

I'm falling forever

I've got to break through

I'm going under

I won't let myself die inside. I refuse. I refuse to drown in these feelings you've stirred in me. I refuse to fall any farther into this hole I've dug—we've dug, for me. I refuse to go on like this. I'm standing up and fighting this time. I'm finally standing and fighting back against you and your cruelty when I should have long ago.

I am going to break through, but not take you down. That's not my destiny. But cowering isn't either. You can't break me anymore. I refuse to keep going under. My time of being knocked into the waves and being drowned by the undertow is gone. I won't be going under.

So go on and scream at me

Scream at me I'm so far away

I won't be broken again

I've got to breathe

I can't keep going under

You taunt me and call out your insults, trying to discourage my rebellion and make me seem like a fool. The only fool is you, father. Go ahead, do what you please. This is the eclipse. You can't fight me, not when you can't produce fire but I've got my swords. You're gonna listen to what I've kept inside for so long and with that, you're gonna lose this battle. I've finally won.

I walk away, feeling triumphant. With every step I take towards the door, away from you, I'm distancing myself miles, physically, mentally. With every step, I'm healing from the wounds you gave me. With every step, I'm breathing full air again. Because I know who I am now. I know my own destiny. I know what I'm meant to do. And this time, you can't stop me. You can never stop me again. I'm never going under again.

I'm going under

Drowning in you

Falling forever

I've got to break through

I'm going under

I'm not drowning anymore. I'm on new ground, sweet solid ground. I know I've healed. I'm not falling, slipping, dying… I'm me, and you can't stop me. I've beat you, and I'm done living your lies. You would be proud, if it had been anyone else I'd rebelled against.

I've broken through the controlling wed of lies, pain, confused, fury, hate and everything else and come out on top. I'm victorious. I'm broken through it all and now I'm following my true destiny, not the one you'd forced on me. I'm not falling into that deception, not drowning in the overwhelming emotions, none of that. Instead of it, I'm healing, living, and being me. I'm not going under.

Zuko, Prince Zuko, was going under.