Gilbert's Awesome Diary

March 26th 20XX

Dear Diary,

Today, I was awesome.

March 27th 20XX

Dear Diary,

I was harassing the pansy again. And then psycho-bitch Elizaveta came and attacked me with her stupid frying pan. What a freak – isn't there any other way she could show me her undying love?

My head still hurts.

At least I looked awesome as she hit me.

March 29th 20XX

Dear Diary,

April Fools day is coming up! Can't wait – this year's gonna be fucking awesome. I'm gonna call up Toni and Francis to see if they want in. And of course they will – who doesn't want to spend April Fools Day with the awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt! Answer: NOBODY. Even that pansy Roderich would want to spend time with me. Not that I'd want him to hang around the awesomeness that is me, though. I might catch his loserness.

March 30th 20XX

Dear Diary,

Antonio Fernandez Carriedo is a fucking asshat. Him, and his stupid little fucker of a boyfriend. They can go die in a stupid pansy hole for all I care.

Ok, so I go to his house and he's all like "HOLA MI AMIGO" like everything's all peachy and like he isn't a total asshat and I'm like "Hey Antonio! Wanna come pranking with me on April Fools Day?" and see, I was expecting he'd say yes since we always go pranking and shit together on April Fools Day. It's practically a tradition.

BUT THE ASSHOLE SAID NO.

He was all like "Oh I'm sorry amigo but Lovino made me promise not to cause mischief with you and Francis this year because he was sick and tired of getting angry phone calls and being alone on April Fools Day because unlike me he has no friends and is a lonely little temperamental fucker and because I'm whipped as fuck I'm listening to him and ruining your day because of it. I'm such an asshat, aren't I?"

Ok, so maybe he didn't phrase it like that but… it was basically the same thing.

Whatever, it'd be more fun without him anyways. He'll totally miss out. Besides, after hanging out with Lovino freaking Vargas for an entire day, he'll come screaming back to me and Francis – begging for us to take him with us during our pranking spree.

Time to get Francis! I know for sure he'll come – I bet he wants to prank a certain prissy Brit…

Later

OK. I CHANGE MY MIND. FRANCIS BONNEFOY IS A BIGGER ASSHAT THAN EVEN ANTONIO IS.

So I go to his house and he's like "Bonjour ami 'ow arrrre youuuu" in his stupid French accent and I'm like "Yo man it's just me and you this year – Antonio's dipping on us on account of his stupid pussy boyfriend."

And Francis was all, "What arrrre you talking about Gilberrrrrt?" he always rolls his r's. He thinks it's sexy or something. Weird. Anyways, I was like "WHAT THE FUCK MAN – IT'S ALMOST APRIL FOOLS! Antonio doesn't want to go pranking with us so it's just us! We could go prank his house first – and then go to Artie's house and -"

And then he fucking interrupts me and is all "Oh Gilberrrrt I'm so sorrrrrry but I cannot come with you this yearrrr!"

WHAT THE FUCK MAN. NOT YOU TOO. So of course I was all, "Stop being such a fucking pansy! Why can't you come?" And he's all "Because, I am…meeting with someone on that day."

And when he says meeting, he really means he's going to get laid. Which isn't cool – going to a booty call instead of chilling with your friends totally goes against the bro code.

So screw him. Actually, scratch that. I don't want to screw him. That's just gross. He and his fuckbuddy [whoever the hell that is] can join Antonio and his little fucker of a boyfriend in that stupid pansy hole.

April Fools Day is going to be fucking epic – even without them! I don't need them anyways – the Awesome Gilbert does his best work solo!

April 1st 20XX

Dear Diary,

April Fools Day sucks ass. Everybody seemed to be too preoccupied with their stupid boyfriends or girlfriends [or both if you're a whore like Francis] to care that I was pranking them! I honestly don't get what's so great about being in a relationship. Everyone who seems to get in one always turns out really whipped. Just look at Roderich… wait he's not the best example. He's always been a pussy. Look at Antonio! He can't even leave his stupid boyfriend for a minute to hang out with his awesome friends!

So I was pretty pissed off when I was walking home. The best day ever – ruined! Just like that! I was ready to punch a bitch out or something. And then I hear this voice.

"Hey Mister? Are you alright?" So I was all, 'what the fuck? Who is that?' So I turn around and see freaking ALFRED standing in front of me. Man, that kid gets on my nerves – he think he's some sorta awesome superhero or something. Vain right? I mean, nobody can be awesomer than I am! Anyways, I realize right after that that it can't be Alfred cuz the kid's shaking more than that Raivis kid when he sees Ivan [the creeper] and that the kid has violet eyes. Kinda like Ivan's only instead of being fucking creepy… they're kinda cute on him.

What the fuck am I saying? I sound like a pansy.

Anyways, I'm all "Who are you?" and he's all "I'm M-M-Matthew – A-Alfred's younger b-brother!" That explains why they look a bit alike. And then he asks "Are you alright, Mister?" again, all concerned like I look like I'm about to commit suicide or something.

So I say, "Yea kid I'm alright – and don't call me Mister! I'm probably only a few years older than you." And he says, "Yes I know – you're the same age as Francis." And then I was all "WHOA YOU KNOW THAT ASSHAT?" and he's all "Yea he's my cousin – I used to live with him when I was a kid. Remember? Y-You once chased me around his k-kitchen screaming something about Russians c-coming to get me." After he mentioned it, I actually remembered that. It was right before Child Services decided to send Matthew to Arthur because they thought Francis couldn't take care of a kid properly. Maybe if they hadn't found me chasing Matthew, they would've let Francis keep Matthew. So in all, it was a good thing I decided to chase Matthew or else he would've grown up to be mentally scarred.

Anyways, Matthew gave me this sceptical look and was all, "You don't look like you're alright." And it was weird – I never expected some kid I barely knew to care if I was alright or not but hey – it was better than being IGNORED BY THOSE ASSHATS I CALL MY FRIENDS. So I told him in a very civilized manner what had happened between me and those asshats.

And he was all, "Whoa calm down [even though I was very calm while telling him this]! That really sucks Mist- I mean, G-Gilbert." And then he pulls out some bottle with brown stuff in it and hands it to me. Of course, when a random kid gives you a bottle of random stuff you get curious. So I asked him what it was. And man, did the kid get horrified. He was all "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT MAPLE SYRUP IS?" and goes on to rant at me about the wonderfulness that is maple syrup and practically forces me to eat some.

I'm glad he did – the stuff is fucking EPIC. It tasted amazing! And when I tried giving him the bottle back he told me to keep it! He told me it tasted best on pancakes, so I'll have to try that some time. That was pretty nice of him, he obviously didn't learn how to be nice from Francis or Arthur – I guess he's just naturally nice. So I said "Thanks! You know, you're really awesome!" and he turned pink and he looked so cute I kinda wanted to give him a hug or something. But a manly hug – I'm not a pansy.

Anyways, West's calling me down for dinner – he likes pretending he's older than me because apparently I'm 'not mature enough for my age'. I'll write in you some more later I guess.

April 3rd 20XX

Dear Diary,

The asshats are still ignoring me. They're still preoccupied with their boyfriends [and girlfriends too, knowing Francis]. I still haven't figured out who Francis is fucking secretly since he won't tell me but honestly, I don't care. Really, I don't.

But I was still really bored. So I decided to ask Francis while I was at his house for Matthew's address and ask him for some more maple syrup because me and West kinda used it all on pancakes this morning for breakfast. Of course, Francis tried to be an asshole and was all "Oh la la, is Gilberrrrtt in loooove?" and I was all "Francis just because you're a whore doesn't mean I'm one" and stomped out of his house.

I think Matthew was really surprised when he opened his door and saw the awesome me standing outside of it. He told me not many people apart from his dorky brother Alfred ever visits. That's actually kinda sad. I don't get why – after he gets used to you, he's pretty funny. Anyways, he took my ranting really well and afterwards made pancakes to cheer me up because you know; Matthew's real considerate like that. After that he showed me around his house and I met his bear. Not his teddy bear. Like a real, motherfucking BEAR. It would've been cute, if it hadn't started TALKING. Holy shit I thought I was gonna get a heart attack or something but Matthew said Kumtaro or Kumatino or whatever the fuck it's name is doesn't bite. Not that I was scared of anything. Fear's for pansies.

April 5th 20XX

Dear Diary,

Went to Francis's house. Didn't bother knocking after hearing the sounds coming from the open window above me. Whoever the fuck Francis is… fucking, he sure screams like a girl.

When I told Matthew, the look on his face was EPIC. Couldn't stop laughing for hours.

April 7th 20XX

Dear Diary,

Matthew was in a ranting mood when I went to see him. Apparently he and his brother had been playing baseball and Alfred kept deliberately hitting him in the face. Jerk. Me and Matt had fun making fun of Alfred. Matthew has a nice laugh. It makes you want to laugh too.

April 10th 20XX

Dear Diary,

I think I'm dying. Ok so at Matthew's house [I went to Antonio's house to chill and stupid Lovino kicked me out] and Matthew was telling me about something dumb Alfred said and so I told him he was really funny [because it's true!] and as he smiled at me I felt this odd pain in my chest. Fuck, I'm too young [and too awesome] to die! Maybe this is God's way of telling me I need exercise.

BRB – gonna walk the dogs (and Gilbird) with West.

April 12th 20XX

Dear Diary,

Matthew has really nice hair. It's not really long like Francis's or really short like Antonio's. It actually looks really soft. I'm kinda tempted to run my fingers through his hair…

… fuck I just reread that. I sound like a creeper.

April 14th 20XX

Dear Diary,

Matthew really likes Gilbird. He discovered the bird when Gilbird tried building a nest in my hair again. He was under the impression that I had no idea about Gilbird living on my head but boy, I do. It took me 2 months to train him not to shit on my head. 2 painful, awful months. Urgh. Matthew seemed to find this funnier than he really should've.

April 17th 20XX

Dear Diary,

Guess what? I found out who Francis was secretly fucking. Wait for it… wait for it…

IT WAS FUCKING ARTHUR. YEA, THE BRITISH DUDE FRANCIS'S BEEN BULLYING SINCE WE WERE 8. I guess Lizzie was right when she said they had sexual tension or something. Urgh that's so gross. Now who's gonna help me harass Arthur?

I spent the two weeks with Matthew, moping and bitching about how horrible my friends are and how they DON'T CARE ABOUT ME. But Mattie's even awesomer than they'll ever be – he took me to watch hockey yesterday to take my mind off of them. To be honest, I'd never watched hockey before Mattie took me but damn… it's hard to concentrate on the game when your usually sane and quiet friend is going BATSHIT CRAZY. He was banging his fists on the glass thing protecting us from the hockey players and swearing at the referees. I think at one point he was chanting, "BEAT HIM DEAD! BEAT HIM DEAD!"

…it was kinda hot. I mean – he was wearing this baggy jersey that had way too long sleeves [kinda like Yao's crazy cousin Yong Soo] and he pulled them up and damn the kid's got muscles. And he was all hot and sweaty and… what the fuck am I saying? I sound like a freaking girl.

After the game we went out drinking [I had no idea the kid was of drinking age] and Mattie ranted about the referees were totally fucked up and had no idea what they were doing and how the other team shouldn't have won. Drinking with Mattie's pretty fun – he's the first person apart from me and my brother [and that creepy Russian actually…] who can hold their liquor really well. We both drank a shit load and were still moderately sane. Kind of. Mattie started singing the Canadian national anthem at one point on the top of his lungs and we ended up getting kicked out of the bar. Oh well it's all for the best – the über muscular boyfriend of the chick I was hitting on was giving me menacing looks. I could've totally taken him out if he tried anything on me.

The only downside from yesterday is this killer hangover I have today but Mattie said maple syrup's a good hangover cure so I've got him at my house making pancakes for me [and maybe Ludwig, if he comes home early from his boyfriend Feliciano's house] so we can eat our hangovers away. Mattie's a pretty good cook – I guess he gets that from Francis or whatever. But I prefer Mattie's food as opposed to stupid Francis's.

Oh hey that's him right now – the pancakes are done. I'll write in you later… if I remember.

April 19th 20XX

Dear Diary,

So this morning Antonio and Francis weren't answering either of their phones again so I decided that fuck this, I'm going to Matthew's house.

Once I'm there I start complaining about how those two asshats never hang out with me anymore ever since they got into relationships and how it was pissing me off and Matthew sat there across from me in his kitchen going all "Yea that's so true!" "Francis always has been really conceited – it's a surprise he's together with Arthur of all people" and "hey have you ever tried maple flavoured ice cream? My friend Miguel sent it to me 'cause he started yelling at me yesterday thinking I was Al – maybe the ice cream can calm you down".

That's when it hit me. This whole time I've been bitching to you and to Matthew about how Antonio and Francis never care about me anymore and how nobody cares about me but… I was wrong. Mattie cares about me – whenever I'm really upset about those two or about anything else he makes me pancakes or takes me out to watch hockey or go drinking to cheer me up. I mean, nobody's cared about me the way Mattie did. The moment I realized that, I suddenly had this impulse to give Matthew a hug.

Which I did. Matthew looked pretty surprised when I hugged him but he hugged me back. He smells really nice. A bit of maple and a bit of woodchips, weirdly enough. After a while he looked up at me and said "Gilbert? … You can let go of me now you know." So I did.

It was awkward. I didn't know what to do so I sat back down and Matthew got the ice cream out, put some in a bowl and gave it to me. Neither of us were looking at each other. Fuck, it was so awkward in there. I wanted to run of the house, the silence was killing me.

"Was there a reason for the hug?" That's what Matthew said to me. It was almost too quiet for me to hear.

I actually didn't know what to say. I kinda just hugged him because I was grateful for Mattie's friendship but a) that sounded really lame b) it made me sound like a pansy and c) I think I might've ruined that friendship with the hug.

So I stayed silent. Pretty stupid of me wasn't it? Matthew didn't say anything else and just stared at his own bowl of ice cream and I felt like kicking myself. I fucked up majorly, didn't I? But no, instead of thinking of a proper excuse or an apology, I couldn't stop staring at how Matthew's hair shone in the light or how pretty his eyes looked like and how my stomach felt all weird.

And that's when I realized that I've liked Matthew for a while. Not like as in friendship but like. All those times when Matthew laughed I felt all light and happy and how whenever Matthew's hand brushed against mine I would blush like a stupid pansy and how being with Matthew was probably the most fun I've had in a while make sense now. After a while not seeing Antonio and Francis didn't even matter to me anymore – I was just using them as an excuse to drop by at Matthew's house… even though I really didn't need one.

So I told him. More like blurted it out though. I think I might've made the atmosphere worse – I think I shouted I LIKE YOU. I swear I heard an echo. Matthew blinked and looked up at me and his eyes were glittering because of the angle the light was shining on them and I just wanted to run up to him and kiss him… oh gott I'm starting to sound like a fucking pansy.

Anyways, Matthew was all "Y-you do?" and I was all "Yea… a lot." And then there was more awkward silence. It was so awkward – even Kumajiro [that's his actual real name – Matthew forgot he put his bear's name on his water dish] was giving me a sympathetic 'gosh-you-fucked-up' look.

"I… I like you too." Again, I barely heard that either but damn… when I realized what Mattie had said… it was like I was floating on air or something – I didn't fuck this up!

So we smiled shyly at each other like total dorks until Kumajiro came and started pawing at Matthew asking for ice cream too. Matthew got up and walked by me to get ice cream and heh… I kinda grabbed him by the waist and pulled him onto my lap and kissed him.

I thought Mattie would taste like maple syrup since the guy practically chugs a bottle down every other second but he doesn't. I don't care though – he still tasted good. A bit like the ice cream he was just eating.

Matthew can kiss really well. Just adding that in here – really well. Must be because he's related to Mr. Self-Proclaimed-Most-Romantic-Guy-In-The-World but damn. I finally got to run a hand through his wavy hair and he had both hands on the back of my neck…

And then freaking Kumajiro pawed at Matthew for his ice cream. Stupid cock-blocking bear.

Oh well. After Matthew got the stupid bear his damn ice cream he turned back to me and… yea. Heh.

Fuck my hand hurts. I think I wrote a whole essay about today. That's enough – I'm going to bed.

I kinda wish Mattie was in there too. I bet he'd be real cuddly too – his head could rest on my chest and he could nuzzle into me and I could kiss his forehead… goddammit love's turning me into a pansy.

I'm leaving now before I sound more like a pansy than I ever want to.

April 21st 20XX

Dear Diary,

My brother met Mattie today. He thought Mattie was that idiot Alfred at first and I yelled at him until Mattie told me to calm down. The moment West remembered Matthew [from hockey or some other thing like that] he practically ran out of the room. I had no idea West was scared of Matthew – hell, I had no idea West was scared of anything. Funny, ain't it?

April 23rd 20XX

Dear Diary,

Matthew and I were making out on his couch when Matthew just happened to glance at the armchair and notice that Kumajiro had fallen asleep with Gilbird sleeping on his head. He refused to stop cooing over them. Damn that bear and his ability to distract Matthew from me!

April 24th 20XX

Dear Diary,

I'm writing this at Matthew's house. We were watching some movie when he fell asleep against me. Mattie's adorable when he sleeps. I think I'm going to join him.

April 27th 20XX

Dear Diary,

Elizaveta somehow found out about me and Mattie. Apparently she decided to follow me to Mattie's house because she thought it was odd that I hadn't harassed Roderich in at least a month. She saw us kissing through a window.

I always knew that the chick was a crazy stalker.

Anyways, she demanded me for PICTURES of us kissing and stuff. I swear, she's sometimes even creepier than Ivan. I told her to fuck off and she glared at me and stomped away. Me and Mattie had a laugh about it afterwards.

April 29th 20XX

Dear Diary,

Mattie found me writing in you and started to tease me about being a goddamn pansy! I reminded him that he's the one who still sleeps with a bear (albeit a real one) and he blushed a pretty pink colour… what the fuck. Maybe I AM turning into a pansy…

BRB – NEED TO MAN MYSELF UP.

April 30th 20XX

Dear Diary,

Alfred dropped by today. Apparently he wanted to warn me not to hurt his brother or else. I asked him when Mattie's birthday was (July 1st). He didn't remember it. Yea, I think I'll do just fine.

May 1st 20XX

Dear Diary,

Today is Mattie's and my 1 month anniversary – for the day we first met, not our actual anniversary. To celebrate we went out to a fancy restaurant – I paid. It was a lot of fun – but not as fun as what followed afterwards.

Today was an awesome day.

May 2nd 20XX

Dear Diary,

Mattie came over today to hang out. Alfred had mentioned he had the newest Harry Potter movie so Mattie borrowed it for us to watch.

We were halfway through the movie [some creepy shit was happening to the chick – note to self: never buy an ugly necklace from a creepy store unless it's for someone like Elizaveta] when the doorbell rang. I wasn't gonna answer it since we were at a good part but Mattie paused it and told me to go answer it. And what do I see when I open the door?

ANTONIO AND FRANCIS – AKA THOSE ASSHATS, THAT'S WHO! The both of them were standing there looking embarrassed.

So I asked them what they were doing here and Antonio says "Amigo… Francis and I feel bad for hanging out with our boyfriends more than you…"

"Oui ami – which is why we planned forrr us thrrrree to 'ang out togetherrrr – per'aps at ze barrr or somezing" Francis added as well. Ok, maybe he said that with less of an accent but whatever. This is my diary and I can make him have a corny French accent if I want to.

Anyways, so Antonio was all "SO how about it?" and honestly, it was sad. They actually thought that I spent an entire month pining for them.

So I was all, "Sorry guys" and I pretended as though I really was sorry even though I wasn't, "but I'm busy with my BOYFRIEND."

And then I slammed the door on their faces and walked back to Matthew, who was waiting for me.

Take THAT asshats.

The End.

A/N: I kinda wanna make two sequels for this story - one in Antonio's view and the other in Francis's. Should I? x]

It's my headcanon that ever since WW1, Germany's been scared of Canada. It was far too tempting to put that in here.

Review or Gilbert will slam the door on your face... whoa that was probably the stupidest line I ever used to beg for reviews. Review so I can think of better ways to get reviews x]