He's gone. Not here anymore. He left me, he left my grasp. I can't believe it, it's all so strange to me. I never thought I could lose him. They said he would make it through, they said that he would be able to wrestle in a year or so. They promised me! And they lied, they lied to me, just to make me stop crying. Just to make me shut my mouth, to stop the tears from streaming down my face. Let me tell you, it didn't help. I thought they were telling me the truth. I thought they were saying he was going to live because he was. But, I was so wrong.

They said I would probably die before anyone else, just because of the risks I take. Well, I'm not the only one who takes hard bumps, I'm not the only one who entertains the fans with highflying moves, and I'm not the only one who takes risks. They were wrong when they guessed that I would probably quit, get seriously hurt, or die. Whichever came first, they thought I would be the first to go. They all lied to me.

I was told that we were possibly the best team out there. I believed that then, and I still believe it today. Why shouldn't I? We were doing what we loved, we were living our dream, and we were doing it together. It was the way we wanted it. Nothing could go wrong. Boy, was I ever wrong.

It all happened in a ladder match. We thought we had it won, we were supposed to win. We thought we had everything under control. Until one God damned person had to grab that manmade piece of steel. He had to go and pick up the frigging ladder! Damn it, why? Why? Why? Why? That's one of many questions that is floating through my head, they have been since it all happened, and they probably will forever.

The ladder. Oh God, I can't even describe the horrid thud it made against his bare back. Then, when it smashed against his head, I wanted to rush into the ring and strangle that one man, I personally can't blame it on anyone just yet because I have no idea who it was who used it in the first place, for what he had done. But, he pulled through that, he stood up when hardly a minute went by, and continued in the match. He continued in the match for me! He knew how much I thought we had to win. He knew I wanted to entertain the fans. But, if I knew what the outcome was going to be, I would have stayed home that day.

I'm not wrestling tonight, or tomorrow, or next week, or the week after that. I never want to go near a wrestling ring again. But, I know I will have to sooner or later.  I have to, I positively have to. I have to do it for him. It wouldn't be right if I didn't, I would be letting him down somehow if I didn't. I wouldn't feel right if I didn't. Damn, why does this have to be so hard?

Even I can't answer that question, and I'm the one who is supposed to have the weird ideas in the family about answers. But, I know that this isn't the time for my weird assumptions or antics, or even my bizarre way of handling things. I can't figure out how to answer my own questions, or anyone else's for that matter. I will never be able to get it through my head that he's gone.

Damn it, these frigging tears are soaking my paper. My whole journal will be damp and ruined, then, when the pages finally do dry, they'll be all wrinkled and hard to turn. But, I can replace a stupid journal. I can replace this stupid black piece of junk. I can never, ever replace him. 

If I could've realized that things like this were possible few years back, I never would have signed that stupid contract if I knew that this would happen to him. But, I did. Because we weren't thinking back then, it was just a way of life. The life that we wanted was at our hands, all we had to do was find a pen and sign a piece of paper. And we did, we signed the paper and didn't think twice about it. And that was because we were so excited that we finally had the one job we wanted. To be in the World Wrestling Federation, that's what we wanted and that's what we finally got.

I guess it's time to get some sleep, that's what everyone else is doing. But, I can't. I just can't fall asleep without thinking about him. How can I? God, I miss him! I miss him like crazy. How will I ever be able to speak at the funeral? How? What about dad? Poor dad, how will he handle it? I don't even know how I'm going to be able to handle all of this.  No one understands.

I just caught sight of my black painted fingernails, which, for some odd reason causes a whole new stream of tears to drips down my cheeks.  I don't know why, but everything reminds me of him.  From a picture of him to his duffle bag, from my journal to my fingernails, everything reminds me of him.

It's time to just close this now.  If I keep this up, I'll be up all night and all day tomorrow. The last words tonight are 'Matt Hardy, my strength.' I can't believe he's gone. I tried to grip him to me, but I failed.

Now, I, Jeff Hardy, will do everything I possibly can to show my big brother that I know how proud he is of everyone, just like I was proud of him until his last moment with us here on Earth. Now he's up in Heaven somewhere, probably teaching the angels how to really high fly, that would be Matt. I'm still proud of him, I'm still proud.