Note: Aedan identifies is a trans man, meaning that he identifies as male but is considered female (and named Elissa) by those around him. This becomes less of an issue as the story progresses.

The first memory Aedan has of Nathaniel Howe, or at least the first time he really notices him as anything other than Delilah and Thomas's quietly intimidating older brother, is when he is eight.

Aedan and Delilah are playing on the ramparts of Vigil's Keep while Fergus and Nathaniel practice their archery in the courtyard below. Delilah is the kidnapped princess and Aedan the brave knight come to rescue her, but Delilah has gotten bored of listening to his speechifying to the imaginary dragon that has captured her, and is playing out some complicated melodrama with her dolls involving secret lovers and assassination attempts.

Thomas is bored. Like Aedan, he would rather be down in the courtyard with the older boys but after getting in the way one too many times he has been sent up here to play with Aedan and Delilah and he resents it. Rather than joining in their game he is using a fallen bit of masonry to bash chips of rock off the wall to drop through a gap into a puddle on the ground far below.

"Don't do that," says Delilah. "We need those walls to defend us if the Orlesians come."

"Shut up," says Thomas, and throws a bit of rock at her.

"Don't throw rocks at girls," says Aedan.

"I will if I want!" says Thomas. He grabs a fist sized stone and runs up to Aedan, pulling back his arm to hit him with it. Aedan grabs his hand and stares Thomas down. Aedan is older and stronger, and Thomas quickly relents, rubbing at his wrist with a belligerent expression. He drops the stone.

"Do you want to play?" asks Aedan. "You can be the dragon." He doesn't like Thomas very much but Mother says they should try to be friends, and he is only little.

Thomas looks at him, conflicted. On the one hand, it means admitting a sort of defeat. On the other hand, it also means getting to run around roaring at his sister and pretending to set her on fire.

"Yes, I'm the dragon," he says at last. "I'm a big scary mean nasty dragon and I'm going to EAT YOU." He roars at Delilah, but rather than looking scared she just giggles. Annoyed, Thomas grabs one of her dolls.

"Delilah is smelly and gross," says Thomas. "I'm going to eat your doll instead." And he bites the doll, his small teeth pulling at the stitching. He makes a face: it seems that the doll doesn't taste very nice.

"No!" says Delilah. "Let her go! Don't eat her!"

"Return that fair maiden, you foul beast!" says Aedan dramatically. He flourishes with the hoop-stick he is using as a sword.

"I'm flying away and you can't catch me!" shouts Thomas, and he runs as fast as he can to the other side of the tower. Aedan chases after him, his thin satin slippers slipping on the slick ancient stone.

Thomas is standing on the edge of the wall, waving the doll around by one foot. The wall is very high here, too high for Aedan to reach without danger of making Thomas fall.

"Come down!" shouts Delilah. "You know we're not allowed up there!" But Thomas refuses to budge.

Aedan climbs up after him. It is very high, the wind whips at his skirts and he feels nauseous.

"It's just a doll," says Delilah. But it's the principle of the thing.

Aedan hold out his hand to Thomas. "Give me the doll," he says.

"You're a stupid girl and this a stupid game," says Thomas, and he drops the doll.

Without thinking Aedan grabs for it, and he falls.

It's a long, long way down. But Aedan barely has time to repent his folly before the ground rushes up to meet him, hard and unforgiving. There is a thud and a crack and the taste of blood in his mouth and then his whole body shudders with pain.

Through the ringing in ears he can barely make out that people are shouting at him, or around him, Fergus and Nathaniel and then various servants, followed by Delilah after she rushes down the stairs. Thomas is nowhere to be seen.

Aedan becomes aware of a healer wrapping his leg in bandages. It hurts, but in a distant way, and he recognises the strange tickling warmth of magic. He slowly looks around and rubs his head. He sees the doll fallen just slightly out of his grasp, it has survived the fall rather better the Aedan though it is a little dusty. Aedan picks it up and offers it to Delilah. "Your friend, milady." She curtsies and kisses Aedan's hand.

"Thankyou, ser knight."

Aedan smiles and then rests his head back on the wall behind him.

"All this for a doll?" asks Fergus incredulously. "Come now Elissa, I thought you more a more sensible girl than that."

"I was rescuing it from the dragon," said Aedan. "And I'm not a girl, I'm a knight."

Fergus smiled indulgently. "Of course you are. You're a girl knight. Like Mother was before she got married. Nathaniel, can you look after the girls while I go find our parents? That servant is taking too long."

Aedan burns with frustration. He knows that girls can be knights but it's not the same. To his extreme embarrassment Aedan feels tears prickling at his eyes. He sniffs.

Nathaniel sits next to him in the dirt and offers a handkerchief.

"I'm not crying," says Aedan. "Knights don't cry."

"Yes they do," says Nathaniel. "Especially when they've just broken their leg defending a damsel in distress." He smiles and Aedan can see nothing in the older boy's face of the indulgence of a young girl's fancy that he sees in the smiles of his family. "You should have seen me cry when I broke my arm last year falling off a horse. And Ser Giles here is a real knight, I'm sure he's cried lots of times, haven't you ser?"

The grizzled retainer who had been silently standing to attention beside them looks down in surprise. "Errr…yes, Master Howe. Many times."

Nathaniel frowns at Aedan, though more with concern than anger. "Something else a good knight does is know when to back down from a fight. You or Thomas could have been killed. And he's younger than you, and can't be relied upon to be sensible." Aedan nods, while Delilah mutters to herself that she is younger and she is sensible. "Still, we appreciate your chivalry, don't we Delilah. I'm sure Miss Molly appreciates it too." Aedan looks up sharply, worried that he is being made fun of, but Nathaniel's grin includes he and Delilah in on the joke.

Aedan had been looking forward all trip to returning home: he doesn't like Arl Howe, or his insistence that Aedan dress and behave like a "proper lady" while in his house, nor does he like being away from his friends in Highever. But for the rest of his time in Amaranthine Aedan has a purpose: to watch Nathaniel, and use him as a model for what a real knight should be.

Aedan's first real memory of Anora is in Highever when he is ten. She is visiting while her father and Teyrn Cousland are away at some gathering but despite being only a few years older than Fergus he and Aeden see very little of her, she spends most of her time in conversation with Teyrna Cousland and her friends.

Aeden does not like spending time with his mother's friends. They mean well, but they keep telling him how pretty he is and what a fine wife he'll make and it makes him uncomfortable. Fergus doesn't like them much either, especially the overly friendly Lady Landra, and the two of them sneak off to a quiet room to spar.

They have been fighting for about half an hour, Aedan doing quite well for someone his size, when they notice Anora watching them.

"Oh don't mind me," she says. "Despite the best efforts of my father I am quite terrible at fighting but I do enjoy watching other people. You are both very good. I admire your form particularly, Elissa, I'm sure I was never so disciplined at your age."

"Thankyou," says Aedan.

Fergus blushes and laughs awkwardly. Aedan feels a little embarrassed on his behalf, and hopes that he will not be so awkward around girls when he gets older. Their mother says that Aedan will outgrow his "tomboyishness" as she did, especially once he discovers boys, but he is certain that this is not true.

"I may not know much about fighting," says Anora, "But I do know a little about military strategy. Eleanor says you have some interest in the subject too, is that right Elissa?"

"Yes," says Aedan.

"Well, if you ever visit my Father and I in Gwaren you must look at our library, we have some books you might enjoy. Most of them are a little dry but some are quite readable. And I will endeavour to bring some next time that I am here."

"Thankyou!" says Aedan. He tries to think of some way to express his gratitude. "I can teach you to fight if you like." He holds up his practice sword. Seeing Fergus's expression he adds "Or Fergus could."

Anora laughs. "Thankyou," she says, "Though I think I am a lost cause." She indicates her long impractical skirts. "Perhaps another time."

Aedan discovers boys at the age of twelve, under the most embarrassing circumstances he could imagine.

The Teyrns have come to Castle Cousland this time, along with the King, and the castle is full of strange men and women and lots of unfamiliar servants. The heirs are there as well: Anora and Cailan and Nathaniel, as well as many other young men and a few women learning the ropes of the complex web of power they will one day have to negotiate. As a second child Aedan is not invited to these meetings and he continues with his lessons and everyday activities as well as he can amongst all the chaos.

This afternoon he has hidden himself away in a small room near the kitchens, and is eating an apple while writing out some exercises in Orlesian grammar. The room has a large window into the central court, and since it is a heavily overcast day he is sitting on the sill behind the curtains to get as much light as possible.

He hears voices.

"I don't like all this skulking about, it doesn't feel right," says a man, or at least a male youth. The voice is familiar, and peeking through the curtains Aedan can make out through the darkness that it is Nathaniel.

"Well then perhaps we should stop," says Anora, coming into view. She does not sound like she means it, though, and her hand is placed flat upon his chest.

"I think we should stop skulking," he replies. Nathaniel takes her hand gently and kisses it. "Marry me." He looks at her intently, his eyes adoring, and Aedan's heart stops.

"I want him to look that way at me," he thinks, and then recoils from himself in horror. Is this is it? His inevitable slide into girlishness? Is he going to start sighing over boys and happily wearing dresses and lose all interest in fighting in order to make babies? Aedan tries to imagine himself in Anora's place: would he want to marry Nathaniel? The idea is attractive and alarming and utterly alien all at the same time, and he feels mired in confusion.

Unaware of the turmoil taking place a few steps away Anora sighs irritably. "I can't marry you, you know that," she says. "You're the seventeen year old son of an Arl and may not even be made heir. I'm marrying Cailan and becoming Queen, I told you that at the start. This youthful infatuation will pass, but our duties remain." "It is not duty you speak of but ambition," replies Nathaniel bitterly.

"It is my duty to make sure that this country is run properly," says Anora. "Cailan simply cannot do it without me, and who knows what sort of woman he might marry if left to his own devices." Nathaniel turns away, towards the window. He looks miserable and angry, and Aedan feels deeply how wrong it is to witness such a private moment. He looks at the latch on the window and tries to figure out how to open it silently.

"Must we fight?" asks Anora, as Aedan puts down his apple and tries to fit his fingers into the narrow mechanism. It is jammed tight with age and lack of use, the wood of the window swollen in the humidity, and he doesn't have much luck.

Anora and Nathaniel have stopped talking but Aedan is uncomfortably certain that they haven't left the room. He keeps pulling on the latch and at last it opens, but in doing so it lets out a loud squeak. Aedan swears and tries to push himself out the window onto the ground a foot below but to his horror discovers that the window is only designed to open the width of a handsbreadth or so.

Nathaniel opens the curtains and pulls Aedan into the room before shutting them again.

"What are you…Elissa? What are you doing here? Were you listening to us?" He speaks in a tense whisper, his eyes dark with anger.

"I was doing my lessons," he replies. "I swear, I did not mean to listen. I won't tell a soul."

As his eyes adjust to the gloom Aedan notices that Nathaniel's clothes are unkempt, and that Anora is in the corner trying to surreptitiously relace her corset. "See that you don't," says Nathaniel. He runs his fingers nervously through his hair and Aedan can't help but notice how attractive being so disheveled makes him look.

Anora is not so nervous. She places herself in front of Nathaniel and gets him to finish tying her corset then smiles wryly at Aedan. "Thankyou for keeping our secret," she says. "When you are older you will realise how much more complicated life is than the roles we're supposed to fit into. Though I suppose you already know that a little." She tilts her head and looks at him thoughtfully. "Really, you are too kind. If you wish to survive amongst the Ferelden nobility you should learn not to give up an advantage so easily. When you discover someone's embarrassing secret you should find some way to turn it to your advantage." "Anora," says Nathaniel. His tone is annoyed but also affectionately amused. He gives a small tug on her corset. "Do not corrupt Elissa with your wicked ways, she is an honourable young woman. And it is hardly to our advantage to encourage her to demand we give her…actually I'm not sure what we could offer that she doesn't already have." He pauses and then mutters to himself "The ear of the future Queen of Ferelden I suppose."

"I…" says Aedan. "Actually there is one thing." He does try to be honourable, and feels a little ashamed to be taking advantage of them this way, but Anora is right, this sort of power play is an inherent part of being a noble, and it is not such a large boon.

They look at Aedan in surprise and wait for him to finish. "Could you call me Aedan?" he asks. "I know it seems strange, and I'm sure you think it's a phase, but…but it is the name I would prefer. Even if it is only when…if we are alone. Mother and Father call me that sometimes but it is like a joke to them, a pet-name like "Pup". It is not a joke to me."

Aedan feels himself blushing. Part of him waits for the sickening humiliation of hearing them laugh, but they do not.

"That is more than reasonable," says Anora. "If I was being really ruthless I'd make things difficult so that you lowered your price but I am not quite so heartless as I appear." Aedan remembers his mother telling him that Anora has had trouble being accepted by the other noble women because of her tomboyish attitude and common birth, perhaps this has made her more sympathetic to Aedan, and quicker to notice that he has trouble fitting in himself. Or perhaps she simply doesn't care: Aedan has never been able to understand Anora.

Nathaniel does not answer right away. He looks at Aedan in confusion and says "But Aedan is a boys name."

"Yes, it is," says Aedan, staring him in the eye staunchly and daring him to say something further.

"I see," says Nathaniel slowly. "Very well then, Aedan." And then he grasps his hand and shakes it. Aedan takes his things and leaves to find somewhere quiet to think. As he walks up the stairs to his room he bumps into Cailan coming in the other direction.

"Have you seen Anora?" he asks. The future king of Ferelden is tall and blonde and beautiful and entirely free of guile.

"I think I saw her in the chapel," replies Aedan, thinking of the furthest point in the castle from the room that Anora and Nathaniel are in.

"Thankyou!" says Cailan. As the prince bounds off with cheerful enthusiasm in completely the wrong direction Aedan wonders again exactly what sort of man he's growing up into.

The first person to kiss Aedan is Vaughan Urien when Aedan is thirteen. To a large extent Aedan manages put the incident out of his mind, but it does add some extra satisfaction to seeing the look on Vaughan's face when Aedan guts him a decade later.

The last time Aedan sees Nathaniel before everything goes to hell he is sixteen and Nathaniel twenty-one. Arl Howe has come up with some fairly transparent excuses to bring Nathaniel and Thomas to visit (but not Delilah, not since Fergus got married), and Aedan can tell from his not-so-subtle remarks that the Arl is angling for Aedan to marry one of them and give the Howes a foothold into Highever. Thomas and Nathaniel can clearly tell as well and respond with disgust and embarrassment respectively.

Seeing that Thomas and Aedan are barely more able to be civil to each other now than they had been as children, Arl Howe says "Come, Thomas. Let us look at that horse the Teyrn said might suit you," and leaves Aedan and Nathaniel alone with only Aedan's dog Hafter for chaperone.

Nathaniel smiles apologetically. "I apologise for my father. I'm sure he didn't used to be so…transparent."

"I thought it was just me getter older and more cynical," says Aedan.

"No, when Thomas can figure out the subtext to a conversation I think we're beyond the requirement of cynicism." Nathaniel leans back into his chair and gives a heavy sigh. "He means well. And soon I won't have to worry about him any more, I'll be in the Free Marches and a free man."

"Leaving me to the charms of your brother," says Aedan sardonically. "Lucky me."

"You don't want to be Arlessa Aedan of Amaranthine? All those pretty dresses? All those interminable parties to host? Thomas, waiting in your…I don't want to finish that thought." "Please don't," says Aedan. "But yes, some other lucky fellow will have to experience that joy."

"Ah well, we shall have to remain happy bachelors, you and I, much to our parents regret," says Nathaniel. He smiles, but there is an unhappy undertone to it.

Nathaniel and Anora are two of the very few people Aedan has told of his real self, and after all this time are still possibly the only ones who really take it seriously. It is a relief to have people he can be himself around, and this honesty has helped foster a friendship between he and Nathaniel (Anora he still finds a bit intimidating), but there are times when Aedan finds it inconvenient.

"She refuses to see me," says Nathaniel. There is no point asking who "She" is. "I think she's punishing me for calling off the affair, she says there's been 'talk' and she must protect her reputation. As if Cailan hasn't been sleeping with half the women in Ferelden since the wedding. As if anyone but me even cares who she sleeps with as long as any heir to the throne looks blonde and pretty enough to be a Theirin." He runs his fingers through his hair and as always Aedan is charmed by the gesture and then annoyed at himself for being charmed. "Do you think I did the right thing?" "Yes," says Aedan. "Beyond the morality of the situation, cuckolding the King is a very dangerous proposition, even when that King is as even tempered as Cailan. And…" here Aedan laughs internally at himself for being a hypocrite, "…and you need to move on. You will always be third in Anora's affections after Ferelden and Cailan."

"You're absolutely right," says Nathaniel. "But I miss her, you have no idea…ah, but there is no point dwelling on it. Maybe while I'm in the Free Marches I'll meet some nice girl and get over it. Or a nice boy, I hear they're more open minded about that sort of thing over there." As he says this last part Nathaniel looks coolly at Aedan to note his reaction. Aedan stiffens in surprise and confusion. "…yes, so I have heard," he replies. He has never spoken to Nathaniel about his interest in men, it cuts too close to things he would rather avoid. Aedan had experienced a mixture of relief and disappointment when adolescence had not made him any more the girl he was expected to be than childhood, and had eventually realised that, like so many things he'd thought were integral to manhood, an interest in women was rather less universal than he'd been taught. But he'd never thought that Nathaniel…

Aedan hides his embarrassment by patting Hafter, who does not look remotely fooled by his apparent sudden interest.

"Anyway," says Nathaniel, "What are your plans for the future? Just going to hang around being the helpful second son?"

"For the moment," says Aedan. "I'm not an old man like you, I can afford to be aimless for a while." He pauses and rubs his chin self consciously. "Don't mock, but part of me likes the idea of joining the Grey Wardens. There's no mucky moral ambiguities when you're fighting the Blight."

Nathaniel does laugh at this, much to Aedan's annoyance. "Have you been talking to Cailan? Anora says…well. You know they don't fly on gryphons any more, yes? You wouldn't catch me joining such a strange order, I've heard some disturbing stories. If you want to go around hitting things with swords, you should…"

But then Thomas and Arl Howe return with Fergus and Oren and Aeden's parents, and the conversation is all horses and saddle leather. Aedan's family do at least help steer the conversation away from marriage, since they know that Aedan finds the topic unpleasant, but he does not get a chance to speak to Nathaniel alone again before the Howes leave. And then he is gone and it is all too late.

The first time Aedan kills a man he is twenty one.

He has always longed for battle, but not like this, not woken in the middle of the night in his own home by soldiers he thought were his allies. The first man through the door stares at him, the sword in his hand momentarily forgotten, and Aedan remembers that they had spoken once or twice at Vigil's Keep. But he only hesitates for a moment. Aedan had thankfully grabbed his sword after being woken by Hafter's barking, and he pulls it up and strikes at the attacker's chest before he even realises that Aedan is armed. Aedan barely has time to notice that the man is dead before he must defend himself from another, hacking and parrying in a bloody fight for survival with little resemblance to his good natured sparring matches with Fergus and their mother.

Aedan wipes his sword on his already ruined nightshirt and steps over the bodies to get back into his room before changing into his leathers, the familiar armour making him feel a little more able to take on whatever unholy disorder has infected the castle. He leans against the wall for a moment to get his bearings. What is this? How are they under attack? Were those Arl Howe's men? Why did they come for Aedan, what threat is he to anyone?

Or was it not an attack on Aedan in particular, but an attack on everyone?

A sick fear pooling in the pit of his stomach Aedan rushes out to check the other rooms. He encounters his mother, and the brief joy at knowing that she is alive buoys his spirits... until they find Oren and Oriana.

After a while, Aedan loses track of the bodies. Teryna Cousland is magnificent. Aedan had always known that she was a powerful warrior, had seen her fight to victory in many matches with her sons and the castle's knights, but it is quite another thing to see her in the fray, her eyes afire with anger, battling her way through Arl Howe's soldiers like a spirit of vengeance made flesh.

But it is all for nothing, their enemies are too many and the betrayal too great. Oren and Oriana, Lady Landra, Dairren, Iona…all dead. The few survivors in the great hall seem doomed, and now here is Aedan's father, his heart's blood flowing out onto the floor.

Aedan's last vision of his parents is of his father lying collapsed in his mother's arms, both of them smiling bravely and so much surer than Aedan can be that he will survive and bring Howe to justice. He looks backward, sick at having to leave them, wishing there was any other way, until Duncan kindly but firmly pushes him forward and they escape into the dark.