Disclaimer: I know it's been a while but Bill still needs to die. Most characters belong to Charlaine Harris. Jessica belongs to Alan Ball. Greg Ferguson still belongs to CBS latenight. :)

"Aw, Grandpappy, it ain't personal." Andy Bellefleur, a months-old vampire told his great great great grandfather and grandsire, Bill Compton.

"It isn't?" asked Bill. "You mean that? You're not just saying that?"

Thoughtfully, the former police officer frowned as he stared at his much older kinsman.

"Aw, I can't lie to you. It is personal." Andy felt compelled to explain as he saw blood tears start to well in the overly-emotional vampire's eyes. "Hold your messy tears, there, Bill. It's just," he paused, as if trying to find a softer way to deal the blow, "I know we're kin and all but frankly, I find you pretty annoying—."

"But Andy, in addition to being your maker's maker, Ah am also your great great great grandfather."

"Yeah, yeah," Andy nodded with a roll of his eyes. "Like I'm gonna forget that any time soon. That's a peculiar little game you got goin' there. Portia and Grandma are still in therapy from your disgusting little fling—."

"Ah assure you, Andy. Ah did not know at the time Portia was mah-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," replied Andy, with an impatient wave of his hand. "Save your belly-aching. I've heard your sob story and I don't buy it. I figure you think we must be related to the Stackhouses. No other explanation for you stalking Sookie like you do."

"Ah do not stalk Sookeh. Ah love Sookeh." Bill's lips quivered as he once more fought off a stream of tears. "Ah just want to be there for her. She is so alone—."

"Yeah, yeah," Andy replied, shaking his head in disgust. "Spare me your melodrama. Ya know, they handed out the Oscars the other night. We really should ought to ship you to Hollywood. You'll fit right in with those melodramatic namby-pamby types."

"Ah don't understand why you're calling me a melodramatic namby-pamby. Ah just feel very deeply. Ah have been around many years and Ah have experienced much pain and Ah—."

"Yeah, yeah, Vampire Bill. Heard it all before. Save it for Doc Ludwig. She's the only one willing to sit through it these days."

"Where is Jessicah?" Bill's eyes darted around the living room. "She will listen to me."

Andy, exasperated, just shook his head. If his blood still flowed, his face would've been flush with consternation.

"Well, ya know Jess can't really stand you either. She only moved back in 'cause she and Hoyt were having problems. I'm sure she'll move out the second they patch things up."

"Really? She didn't come home to spend time with her maker?"

"Jesus, Bill, did ya really think that was a possibility?" Andy, an incredulous expression on his face, shook his head.

"That's what she said."

Andy grunted. "That's because Doc Ludwig told her to." Andy watched as Bill's lips silently formed an "O". He nodded again to punctuate the veracity of his words. "Anyway, a couple of the guys are coming by to hang. I'd appreciate it if you stayed to yourself and didn't bother anybody."

"Oh!" Bill knew he needed to make new friends. His lover-sister, Judith, before she left him, was constantly lecturing him on the need to break out of his shell and let go of the past.

That's easy for her to say but mah past is much better than mah present. Ah miss mah Sookeh. Ah wish she was in mah present instead of in mah past. But she's in Eric's present. Ah hate Eric Northman! That Nordic...ignoble wretch!

"You hear me, Grandpappy? Having friends over. Don't want you hanging around annoying them with your needy, whining sissy footing. Comprende?"

Drawn out of his mental wanderings, Vampire Bill focused on his progeny's words.

"Well, that's rather harsh, Andy!" Bill sputtered defensively. "Ah am not needy. Ah do not whine. And Ah do not sissy foot."

Andy stared silently at his ancestor. Finally, he grunted. "Grandpappy, we're just going to have to agree to disagree on that one."

"Who is coming over, Andy? Is it anyone I know?"

"Well, it ain't Sookie Stackhouse. That's for damn sure!"

Bill knew Sookie wouldn't come over but he wondered if Sam Merlotte might come over. If Sam Merlotte did come over, he decided he would definitely ask Sam about Sookie. Sookie had been working a lot of days lately so Bill hadn't been able to see her as much as he was accustomed to seeing her. Bill figured that Eric, disgusting debased knave that he is, forced Sookie to work days so she would be available in the evenings for his depraved sexual exploits.

Eric probably makes her remove her panties, thought Bill. Maybe he even forces her to stay naked all the time so she's ready for when Eric needs to satisfy his burgeoning loins.

Bill closed his eyes and shivered at the thought of his lovely and beautiful Sookie being defiled by that large hairless Sasquatch. He felt 'Little Bill Compton' jump at the thought.

Still staring at his grandfather, Andy's features transitioned into a puzzled frown.

I bet he did order those pay per view porn movies! With all his, 'Ah am a victim of vampire ahdentity theft!' Bullshit! thought Andy.

"What's with the faces, Bill?" Andy finally asked. "You got that 'vamp-constipation' look on your face again."

At Andy's words, Bills eyes flew open. "Ah do not look constipated. Ah just have a very animated face."

"Yeah," nodded Andy. "Seems to get real 'animated' every time Sookie Stackhouse's name comes up."

"That's not true! Ah have a long friendship with Sookeh. It's a game we play. Ah find her half-naked dressing and tell her Ah want to lay with her. She sneaks into mah hidey-hole and lays her nude body on mahn." Awkwardly, Bill met his grandson's disbelieving gaze. "Ah am telling you it's a game."

Andy shook his head with an angry snort.

"Good thing I'm already a vamp. Otherwise I'd care more about what having you in the family tree does to us. As it is, I can't be bothered. Everyone around now knows me. Knows Portia. And knows what a sick pervert you are—."

"Ah am not!"

Andy just glared silently at his great great great grandfather.

"Anyway, Hoyt Fortenberry and Jason Stackhouse are stopping by. They're trying to be friends again after Jason did the deed with Jessica."

"Jason Stackhouse and...Jessica?" repeated Bill, stunned.

Andy's eyebrow shot up in surprise. "Yeah, Grandpappy. You didn't know?"

Silently seething that Jason Stackhouse—with his objectionable morals and questionable intelligence—should take improprieties with his—William T. Compton's—child while he, William T. Compton, Civil War veteran and very long standing pillar of the community was no closer to winning back Jason's sister was an unfair sleight of fate. An unhappy look settled on Bill's face once more.

Andy, seeing the face, let out a very human-sounding sigh.

"Bill, that Jason was with Jessica has nothing to do with you and Sookie. It's not any of your business," he snarled. "I only mentioned it because I figured you already knew. You are not welcome tonight."

Still frowning, Bill, agitated, crossed his arms as he stared at Andy. Finally he conceded.

"Fine," said Andy. "What are you three doing? And where? So I'll know where not to go?"

"First reasonable thing you've said all night," said Andy, approving. "You know that tree that got hit by lightning?" At Bill's nod, Andy continued. "Well, I told each of them that they could have some wood if they came by to help me cut down the tree."

Something in Andy's words struck a chord in Bill. In a rare moment of discernment, he caught onto to something Andy had left unsaid.

"Wait a minute!" Bill exclaimed, his voice rising. "Andy, do they not know the other is coming?"

"Yeah, that's right. I'm tired of their fighting. It's messin' up all our 'Dick On' time. Obvious their bromance isn't dead. They pine for each other more than they do Jess. 'Aw, whatcha think Jase is doin', Andy?' and 'Andy, you seen Hoyt around tonight?'" He spoke in measured tones, making his voice sound like his young friends. "They're just being stubborn."

"So you're having them over to mah house—."

"Our house, Grandpappy. Portia's still a lawyer. And vamps still can't own property."

"Fine. You're having them over. You're going to ply them with spirits and then give them chainsaws and have them chop down a tree."

"Yeah," Andy nodded. "Exactly."

"Ah really don't think that's a good idea."

"Well, good thing you're not gonna be there."

***fade to black***

Later

So Bill agreed to not bother Andy and his friends. What he hadn't agreed to was staying in the house. So, several hours later, when he knew Hoyt and Jason were on the property, he decided to go for a walk around the perimeter of this land. He was not going to approach them. He figured he would stay hidden within the trees and would just listen with his new hearing device. Listen Up. He'd purchased it online from the As Seen On TV website. He didn't understand why his vamp hearing seemed to be worse than octogenarian human hearing but he vowed not to let it get the best of him. When he had visited her the previous week, Dr. Ludwig had had no answers for him either.

"Tell me, Compton. You poked silver in your ears?"

"What?"

"I said: have you poked silver in your ears?"

"Ah really don't feel like talking about mah fears, Dr. Ludwig."

"Harrumph!"

Twisting the dial of his listening device, all of a sudden Bill could hear the conversation occurring yards away.

"You sure this is going to work?" That was Jason Stackhouse's voice.

"Well, it's an experimental psychology. A cross between Janov's Primal Scream Therapy and the WWE."

The second voice, with a strong lilting Scottish accent, sounded familiar to Bill.

Is that mah friend Greg Ferguson? thought Bill.

"Yeah, that's all well and good, Mr. Ferguson," Ah ha! thought Bill. He listened as Hoyt spoke. "I just feel like I want to kill Jase all the time. Is this gonna make me feel that way less?"

"Well, I say, you two have been friends a long time. Is that right?" Greg asked.

"Yep," said Jason. "Long as I can remember."

"Yeah," replied Hoyt. "We were kids together."

"Well, that's gotta mean something."

"Yeah, reckon it should," said Hoyt. "Or at least it would if that tomcat hadn't stolen my girl!"

"Hoyt, I didn't steal her! You guys were broken up and she fed me her blood. You know I'm a recovering V addict! I can't be trusted around that stuff!"

"I wouldn't know anything about that." A deeper voice, Andy, suddenly intoned.

"Do you mind?" It was Greg. "This is about them. Not you."

"Uh, sorry," grunted Andy.

"You know, Andy," continued Greg, "it's in moment's like that where I see the resemblance."

"Huh? Hey!" sputtered Andy.

"It's true. You invited me here to bring your two friends together and while I'm trying to do that, you selfishly deflect the attention to yourself like you-know-who!"

"Harrumph." Chastised, Andy fell silent. Bill, thunderstruck, clapped a hand over his own mouth to prevent him from making a sound.

"Anyway, back to you boys. What we're hoping to do here is help manifest your anger, Hoyt, in a constructive way. By cutting down this tree. Hoyt, why don't you tell me how angry you are at Jason?"

"I'm real angry at Jason."

"Why? Why, Hoyt? Let it out! Scream if you must! Show us! Let us know! Let—what's this place called? Oh yeah. Let all of Louisiana hear you!"

"I'm angry at 'im 'cause he was my best friend! Forever! He knew what Jess meant to me, even if we were broken up! But he just can't keep it in his pants! He can never keep it in his pants!" Hoyt's screams died down, replaced only by his wracked breaths.

"Ah," Jason started. "I'm sorry, man—."

"Sorry's not gonna cut it, Jase. Not this time."

"That's it, Hoyt! That's it, my lad! You show him! You show him how angry you are at him!"

Suddenly the roar of a motor took over in the stillness of the night.

"Jason is the tree!" screamed Greg. "Jason is the tree! Cut down the tree!"

"Jason!" Hoyt screamed. Only Hoyt's screams and the continuing whir of the chainsaw could be heard in the darkness.

Bill, meanwhile, struggling to hear, had interpreted Greg's scream as "Jason or the tree!"

Sookeh would never forgive me if Ah allowed her only brother to be killed on mah property! thought Bill. Ah must save him!

In a misguided attempt to "rush" to the scene Bill levitated upward and began his slow, yet purposeful hover towards the group.

Hoyt had been using the chainsaw to cut down the tree. As it was a Disston two-man chainsaw, Jason had been forced to help Hoyt, holding the chainsaw steady. It also forced upon Jason a keen understanding of the level of his friend's anger.

It was upon the scene of the two friends working together furiously to get the tree to come down that Bill finally entered.

Within seconds, Hoyt realized the tree was ready to come down. Backing away from the tree, he let out a wild yell.

Following several loud crunching sounds, the tree came down with a thunderous crash.

"You see?" Greg's Scottish accent could barely be heard under the whir of the still-running chainsaw. "You can still be successful partners—if you just work through your anger!" Lower, he grumbled. "Oprah will have to listen to me after I tell her about this."

Suddenly, Andy's voice rose high above the din.

"No!" exclaimed Andy. "No! Grandpappy! No!"

Greg Ferguson yelled out as well. "Stop! What are you? Mad?"

But it was too late. Bill, anxious to stop what he mistakenly believed was Hoyt Fortenberry massacring Jason Stackhouse in the woods, had, without looking, hovered quickly onto the site.

Jason and Hoyt, still staring at one another, frozen on the spot, held the chainsaw at chest height.

A tall vamp would have merely suffered injury to a limb; a short vamp would have cleared the chainsaw.

But Bill…

Bill Compton was 5'9" on a good day. And most of his days were not good.

Despite Andy's cries of "Bill! Bill!" and Greg's "Angsty vamp! Can't let anyone else have a minute of attention, can you?" the ancient agrarian levitated right into the path of the vibrating chainsaw.

As Jason, Hoyt, Andy, and Greg looked on, Bill's neck was chopped away by the serrated edge of the saw's blade.

Stunned, Jason and Hoyt stared wordlessly as Bill's head fell with a thud to the ground.

After a few moments, Andy broke the awkward silence.

"Aw, shoot! I told him to stay away. He's got to interfere. Just like him to meddle like that."

"I knew that angsty vamp would somehow mess up my chance at having my own talk show! I was supposed to patch things up between Dumb and Dumber here and then Oprah was going to have her people talk to my people."

Hoyt and Jason, coming out of their reverie, exchanged glances. Silent communication done, Jason was the first one to speak.

"Hey!" retorted Jason. "Me and Hoyt ain't dumb!"

Greg snorted. "Whatever gets you through the night."

Suddenly a cell phone buzzed. Jason grabbed his phone.

"Stackhouse. Oh, hey, Sook."

You think you guys can keep it down? Eric and I are trying to have a make-up date at my place.

Jason made a face. "Ew, Sook. Why you gotta tell me that?" Still piqued, Jason shut his phone. Turning his attention to his friend, he said,

"Hey, Hoyt. Wanna get a drink at Merlottes? My treat."

Hoyt thoughtfully mulled over the invitation before slowly nodding. "Sure, man," he grinned. "Let's go."

After a slightly awkward, one-armed man-hug, Hoyt and Jason started to leave. After a few steps, they paused.

"Hey Andy! You comin'?"

"Yeah, I guess," Andy replied gruffly. "Nothing to do here." He twisted to look at Greg. "You joining us, Ferguson?"

"Yeah," the Scotsman nodded, marveling at Hoyt and Jason's returned camaraderie. "I believe I will join you. My new psychology seems to have worked after all, despite Bill's interference. Go figure. Hey!" he called to Hoyt and Jason. "Drinks are on me!"

"Thanks, man."

"Yeah, thanks, Mr. Ferguson."

"Call me Greg."

Without a second look, the four men left to partake in a drink at Merlottes.

AN: Haha...And there it is! Anyway, I originally posted the Hans von Hozel Kill Bill chapters to this story so if some of you are getting an "already reviewed" message, that's why. No worries. I'm far less the review whore than I used to be. My apologies to those of you who are lucky enough to not watch 'True Blood.' Some plot points are items picked over from TB, e.g., Jessica and Jason hooking up, Bill and Portia hooking up, Andy becoming a V addict. Blah blah blah. Yeah, I'm sure it sounds more interesting than it actually was. In fact, I know it does.