Disclaimer: Most characters belong to Charlaine Harris. Jessica Hamby belongs to Alan Ball. I'm just stepping up because Bill needs to die.

It was 3:00 am. Certainly not the typical time to be walking around outside, surveying your property. But Bill Compton was not your typical property-owner.

Bill was a vampire. As a vampire, he could only be alive at night.

It made Bill sad. He missed the daylight. The sunshine.

A farmer in his former life, Bill continued to prize nature and was an avid environmentalist.

For one thing, his household was a 100% recycling household. Although try as he might, he could not seem to drill this point home to his vampire child, Jessica.

Well, she is young, he thought. Hopefully as she realizes her immortality, she will, like her maker, understand the importance of the earth. The soil. The oceans. The trees. The forests. The creatures. The insects.

Bill stood with his hands resting on his waist. Looking down, he noted that he had gotten a smudge on his Dockers. He would have to rinse them immediately when he returned to the house.

His immortality often weighed heavily on Bill's mind: the longer he continued to live, the larger his carbon footprint grew.

Eric's been alive five times as long as Ah have and always driving the endless supply of gas-guzzling Corvettes. Bill frowned, shaking his head. Ah bet he never gives it a second thought.

Finally Bill had come to the edge of his property. The Sweet Home Cemetery.

Home, Bill harrumphed. Ah will never know the sweet peace and relief that comes with the cessation of life-

Bill thumped his unbeating heart with a rolled fist. A blood tear cascaded down his cheek. Feeling it, he darted his tongue out to capture it.

Ah...hm, Bill realized, it seems to be drizzling. It feels good.

Rain, cleanse me! he thought. Cleanse me of the pain that torments my soul! Please, Beneficent Life-force, Almighty One, give me the peace that eludes my mournful existence!

Yes, Bill was not in a sanguine mood. His ladylove, Sookie Stackhouse, seemed to be in a long-term relationship with Bill's boss and top rival, Eric Northman.

Eric, Bill groused as he kicked a rock. Eric, with his size 13 flip-flops, and his ever-expanding carbon footprint.

The drizzle had gradually switched over to a light rain. A warm night in northern Louisiana, the rain brought with it a cool breeze.

Ah, this rain feels good, Bill thought.

In the far distance, Bill heard an echoing rumbling of thunder. Then he saw lightning fill the sky.

Hm, he thought. That lightning bolt looked as though it hit awfully close to Sookie's house. I'll go peek in and make sure she's okay.

With that decision, Bill embarked on his slow glide hover to Sookie's house. Really, he could get there faster by running with his high-velocity vamp speed, but Bill was adamant about using one's God-given gifts.

Hovering, he reasoned, may not be the quickest way to get to Sookie's but sometimes it is not about speed.

Suddenly, Eric's smirking face appeared in Bill's head.

Eric. He always has to be the fastest. Always has to be the biggest. The baddest. The one with the most toys.

Bill thought it absurd how Eric had forced Pam to go to Hairstyling School just so she could cut his hair every evening because he felt his long flowing Viking locks were 'dated'.

Bill could not abide by such vanity. Certainly, Bill knew his own looks could be significantly modernized-he himself could easily be as stylish as Eric- if he shaved his Civil War era sideburns.

But, he asked himself, what purpose would shaving his sideburns serve? Should he expend the energy to shave them only to have them again be upon his face the next evening when he awoke?

It was, he knew, pointless. The only purpose it served was that he wasted water and contributed shaving cream chemicals into the groundwater. Or he wasted energy if he opted to use an electric shaver.

No, Bill shook his head. He would leave such superficial pursuits to the Eric Northmans and the Pam Ravenscrofts of the vamp world.

He, William H. Compton, no matter how old he was, how many years he continued to walk the earth, would always remain his mother's son. He would remain Caroline's husband. He would continue to hold dear the morality and character of the man whose loins begat his children. The children that begat more children, until finally they were his descendants alive today. Such as the dead old lady Bellefleur.

God rest her soul, Bill thought.

Ah, the rain is coming down harder, Bill noted. It is purifying my soul.

Another clap of thunder sounded. This one was even closer.

Hm, I wish sometimes, I could fly. Bill thought. This hovering can be tedious.

As they had threatened for the past hour, the skies came through on their promise and opened. A torrent of hard rain pounded on the countryside.

Ah am getting all wet now, he thought. Although Ah do like hard rain. They have hard rain like this in Arkansas.

Just then another roar of thunder sounded in the not-too-distant distance. Lightening lit up the night sky.

Ah, here Ah am. Sookie's house. Ah hope she's not frightened of this thunder and lightening.

Bill hovered up to the front of her house. It had always pleased him that her bedroom was on the first floor. It was elevated slightly, but he could hover and see in the window. If her room were upstairs, he would not be able to peer inside.

Because I don't fly like Eric, Bill thought.

Often Bill would just stand by her window to check in on her safety. Once he had assured that she was peacefully asleep, he would continue to stand there until nearly dawn.

Ah like knowing she's safe. After all, there's a lot of crazies in the world today.

On this night, the heavy rain pummeling the earth Bill so dearly loved coupled with claps of thunder made it impossible to hear Sookie's breathing. So Bill floated upward until he was level with Sookie's bedroom window.

Peeping inside, Bill stifled a snort of anger. His Sookie was naked. He looked at her exquisite beautiful curvaceous, tanned body.

Bill made a face.

She was riding Northman. He could see her features. Her face. It looked like she was in ecstasy.

Just then a loud crash of thunder sounded near Bill. Usually so calm and collected, unless Sookie was involved in which case he ran around screaming "Sookeh!," Bill's senses were momentarily startled.

An unexpected bolt of lightning struck the tree that sat on the front of Sookie's property.

With resounding crack a gigantic tree limb ruptured and began its freefall to the ground.

Six feet long the limb's branches extended out in all directions like the tentacles of a mythical sea creature.

Those tentacles were determined to get Bill.

And they did.

Ah! he cried out. Ah've been staked by a tree branch.

Inside Sookie's bedroom, she let out a loud, piercing cry.

"ERIC!"

Then silence.

Recovering from her torrent of multiple orgasms, it took Sookie a while to recover. Finally her breathing had calmed down sufficiently sot that she could speak.

"Um, Eric?"

"Yes, lover?"

"Did you hear something before?"

"You mean lightning striking the tree and a large branch accidentally staking the idiot Compton to his final death?"

"Oh, good! So you heard it too! The gracious plenty always makes me see stars. Thought I was hallucinating sounds."

"You still calling it that?"

Sookie bit her lower lip and nodded.

Suddenly Eric growled and, lifting Sookie up, flipped her over.

"How about we try once more without the audience?"

A/N: This is dedicated to all my ROTSS readers who have been begging me for months to kill, maim, and torture Bill. Sorry, it's been slow in coming. Soon! And now we have this, too! Twice as much Bill-Hatin'! YAY!

I still love this comment from ericsgirl1:

"please take everything wrong in the world out on Bill! :)"

Reviews welcome. Ideas for Bill's accidental demise very welcome.

Tweet me ideas too! I'm on Twitter as Miral_SVM.

NEXT UP: Oh No Vampire Bill! Bill has contractors in to do some electrical wiring per Affynity. Uh-oh.