Letters to Temari
by Pearl of the Dark Age
1st of April
Dear Temari,
I hope you are doing well. How's the baby? Is Shikamaru keeping awake at work yet? Everything is fine here. Gaara even brought a new pet home today. It is the one mangy looking cat that's been following him around for the last few weeks. Today, our younger brother decided to take it inside our house and named it Baldy.
Well... let's just say the cat still needs to be housebroken. Wish us both luck!
Love, Kankuro
8th of April
Dear Temari,
Glad to hear your husband is doing well at work again. I know the baby keeps you both up at night. Thanks for the luck about the cat, but I should have wished for a curse on the damn thing instead! It is a creepy animal. Gaara thinks this hellish fiend is cute. I have no idea why. It's got a long, stretchable neck, like some ungodly thing. The eyes don't focus properly, and I can never tell which eye is looking at me. Plus, it likes to use its long neck to peek at me around corners, scratch the hell out of my ankles, then runs away before I can pull out a knife!
I wish that cat death! Unfortunately, brother dearest will be crushed if anything happens to Baldy. Got any suggestions?
Love Kankuro
13th of April
Dear Temari,
You can tell Shikamaru that was NOT funny! I tried talking to Gaara, but I can't help but still be a little afraid of him when his face goes blank like that. I'm sure he was just confused and couldn't comprehend what was wrong with his beloved Baldy, but my ankles speak for themselves.
Now I wish I wasn't allergic to dogs!
Love, Kankuro
20th of April
Dear Temari,
Rejoice! The evil cat is dead! Or, at least, I think it is... It had better be! It broke out of the house, which it always does, but there was a major sandstorm three nights ago, and Baldy hasn't been seen since.
Until this morning, that is. Gaara found the thing – or what was left of it – in a drainage pipe. Being partially bald is now the least of that cat's worries. Gaara is upset about it, but I'm having a hard time finding the right words to console him with... Me and my ankles are just too freaking happy!
Love, Kankuro
26th of April
Dear Temari,
Today Gaara brought home a giant scorpion. I immediately threw it out the window and laid down the rule that only mammals can be pets. He was pretty shocked that I took control like that, but he got over it pretty quickly. Maybe a little too quickly...
Anyways, how is the baby doing? Did he learn any new words since your last letter? Hope all is well on your end.
Love, Kankuro
2nd of May
Dear Temari,
Whoa! A vocabulary of 41 words now? That's my nephew! I can't wait to see his cute, chubby face the next time I see you guys! You can tell Shikamaru not to worry. I won't paint it again, I swear!
It's been busy on our end here. Gaara's been keeping me chained to my desk at work, but as Kazekage, he's got a lot of work to do, too. However, this hasn't stopped him from looking for a new pet. I don't know why he didn't just buy a cat from the pet store. He had to go and find a juvenile tanuki.
A wild tanuki. A wild animal! A stray is one thing, but tanuki? Come on! I told him we can't keep wild animals as pets, but he outright refused to listen to me. The little snot even pulled rank on me! So, now I'm stuck with this wild animal in the house, and you can just imagine the chaos!
And I can just imagine Shikamaru laughing his head off right about now... Tell him to shut up.
Love, Kankuro
11th of May
Dear Temari,
The tanuki is gone. Gaara had named him Fluffy, but I'm sure a more appropriate name would have been Foamy. After turning over anything that wasn't nailed to the floor or the walls, it chewed a hole through the front door and escaped. That was five days ago. We haven't seen Fluffy since. Gaara is crestfallen. I think he thinks that thing was supposed to be his inner animal or something like that. He must've thought it would have bonded with him – for obvious reasons.
I guess our younger brother is human after all.
Love, Kankuro
22nd of May
Dear Temari,
Today, I brought home a bunny from the local pet store. You should have seen Gaara's face. I don't think I've seen him that happy since he went to the hot springs with Naruto last October. He named the bunny Carrots. I'm happy, Gaara's happy, and the house is still in one piece.
Give my nephew a kiss for me, and tell Shikamaru thanks for the suggestion about the rabbit.
Love, Kankuro
30th of May
Dear Temari,
You're not going to believe this, but the bunny is an escape artist! Carrots has chewed through his cage, chewed through the boards I put over the hole of his cage, and chewed through the bars of the new cage! Gaara is at the store now buying a new, rabbit-proof cage. You know, the problem wouldn't be so bad if it didn't cause Gaara hysterics and I didn't have to find "presents" all over the place.
Oh, and nothing personal to my brother-in-law, but I'm not taking any more suggestions about pets from him – ever.
Love, Kankuro
6th of June
Dear Temari,
DAMN THAT F'ING RODENT I WISH IT WOULD BURN IN HELL! Do you know what kind of cage Gaara bought for Carrots? A two-centimeter thick glass cage with airholes that I can barely stick my fingers through. Do you know what I found OUTSIDE of this cage? A rabbit. The cage doesn't even have a scratch on it, and I have NO IDEA how the f'ing thing got out! Guess what else? I found pieces of my beloved puppets!
Some of the puppets I've been working on for the last few months are now gone. I found them in pieces, with little gnaw marks – like a rat – all over each piece! That rabbit is going to get it! I don't care what it takes, but I'm going to kill it!
Love, Kankuro
18th of June
Dear Temari,
Well, I haven't assassinated Carrots just yet. Not sure how I'm going to do it without Gaara realizing it was me. He'll be pissed as hell, so I'm not sure if I want to risk that or not... As you know, Gaara has the habit of leaving the front door open, so I've just not been closing it. I'm hoping that the next time Carrots escapes, he'll hop his way out that door to getting himself lost.
What do you think?
Love, Kankuro
24th of June
Dear Temari,
Carrots has struck again. This time he got into my paints! There is paint everywhere, and Gaara is mad at me because he thinks the stupid rabbit drank some of it. As if that's my fault? My paints are ruined, and I've got a whole house to repaint now! Not to mention replacing some furniture...
So, you two got a bunny yourselves? How cute.
Love, Kankuro
1st of July
Dear Temari,
Carrots has passed away. It turns out that he did drink some of my paints. I dug a hole in the backyard, held a little funeral for Carrots, and Gaara said a few words and his goodbyes. He didn't seem all that upset at the time.
However, last night he told me he thinks he's cursed. He thinks he can't have pets, because they cause so much trouble. I felt sorry for him. I didn't want him to feel that way. So, this morning I went to the pet store again and bought him a new pet. I broke my "mammals only" rule, and got a fish.
What could go wrong with a goldfish?
Love, Kankuro
5th of July
Dear Temari,
The goldfish went belly up after only three days.
Gaara was heartbroken. He just stared at the bowl for hours until I took it away from him. He's now convinced he's cursed and that no animal will ever love him.
So, I gave him a hug.
Love, Kankuro
PS: I think a hug was all he really needed all along.
The End.