New story! Yay? Hopefully.

I've had this in my mind for a good, long while now. I have a lot of complaints that DLA was too fluffy and, well, this is just the opposite of fluff. Angst central. I think that, for the most part, what I'm about to do is pretty original. And completely canon. In my mind.

Also, T, I'm sorry. I can't fix Brooke's part. My head won't let me. :(

Anyway, please read. Let me know if it's worth continuing or if you think I shouldn't even try to write it. :)

Disclaimer: I don't own BL, OTH, or anything pertaining to the CW. The lyrics throughout are from a Darius Rucker song. Love it, don't own it, though.

But don't think I don't think about it.
Don't think I don't have regrets.
Don't think it don't get to me.
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey.

When she was a child, Brooke's favorite month was August. Every August, for two weeks, her parents gave the nanny of the moment a vacation and shipped Brooke off to her great-Aunt Charlotte's house in Georgia. She was always softer than most when it came to Brooke but the best part about visiting Aunt Charlotte was the island she lived on. As she got older, it was the same reason she stopped going. The island was isolated; one of the last places in the country without broadband internet connection or cell phone towers and even in August—tourist season's peak—everything was slow going. Calm to Brooke's proverbial storm of a life. In the summer between fourth and fifth grade (the first without Mrs. Sawyer); she took Peyton with her for the company—not to keep her company, but to keep Peyton company. Peyton didn't see the draw of the slow life or of great-Aunt Charlotte's love. She hated every second of the two weeks they spent there and, so, Brooke stopped going. She couldn't very well leave her best friend in the world all alone for two weeks each summer. Especially when Mr. Sawyer started leaving for longer periods of time that summer. Peyton told her that she could go without her but she knew better. Her best friend needed her, more now than ever. She knew what it was like to go through life without any real parent. If Peyton couldn't get a reprieve from that, neither would she.

As they moved into junior high school, she began to hate August. It started a full month of not seeing her parents—not even in the passing that she was used to—because it was their vacation month. The end of August meant school. And, on top of all of that, the Tree Hill August weather was bipolar; a hundred degrees with scattered thunderstorms. Every. Single. Day. In a thirty-one day month. But as much as she grew to hate August, she never forgot the love she had for Aunt Charlotte's house and the island she always swore she'd raise her own family on.

She's heading into her twenty-seventh August and Brooke still thinks about that island every day. Except, now, when she thinks of it, she thinks about more than carefree, love-filled summer days running through the surf that was Aunt Charlotte's back yard. Now, she thinks of the family that she once vowed to raise on the island that felt more like home to her seven year old self than the mansion she (and everyone else) grew to associate herself with. She thinks about a time when her mother, who's now a permanent, even somewhat loving, fixture in her life, refused to love her and be there for her. When Aunt Charlotte flew to LA and loved her, giving her the solution to a problem that everyone else just wanted to terminate or sweep away, under the rug with any other little blemishes in the Davis closet. Well, everyone who knew—as in, her parents.

Sometimes, that same solution haunts her. She feels like she's being punished. Like maybe the attack isn't the reason she'll never have children of her own but instead, it's some kind of sick karmic justice.

And that always brings her to Lucas.

Lucas, who was the only person in her life who didn't tell her to fight it or that it'd be okay when she found out she'd never get pregnant. It surprised her how upset he was for her. But, then again, he's the only one she's ever been completely honest with about how much she wants, needs, a family—children—of her own to raise. And even he doesn't know the full reason behind that truth. He wanted to come home and be with her for a while. He didn't tell her that—Peyton did, the next time they spoke. But her best friend in the world didn't see the need for that. As she explained to her, they have a life that they can't just pick up and leave and she feels that Brooke has more than enough support here in Tree Hill. On top of which, she let her know that having a child isn't all it's cut out to be and though she thinks she wants it more to anything, she's mistaken. To quote her, "Trust me; you do not want to be a mother, Brooke." Her feelings a few months later when Haley's mom died were similar. She didn't understand why Lucas would want her to sit through something that was just going to remind her of all that she lost in her earlier years. Haley's mom got to meet the love of her life. She got to be at her wedding and meet her grandchild. Peyton never even got that. So why should they have to go back to Tree Hill? It survived without Peyton and Brooke for so long that certainly Peyton and Lucas aren't required to be there for certain things. Life will go on.

She actually said that. And while Brooke gets that that's truly how Peyton feels, she just doesn't understand it. She would uproot her life for Peyton. She has. And she would have really appreciated someone like Lucas around. Someone who really understood just what this diagnosis has taken away from her. Someone who really believed in her hopes and dreams of a family. Even if that someone didn't have vital information. Even if that someone would most definitely hate her if he knew the whole story.

…even if that someone didn't love her the way she always needed him to.

And that brings her back to August. The August that Aunt Charlotte came to her in LA and did what she thought was best. Brooke agreed with her. It was better than the other choice. She, of course, offered Brooke a home, too. But Brooke needed to go home. Home to Tree Hill. Home to Peyton. Above all, home to Lucas. Because she spent that summer in a limbo that no one could ever understand, but she still wanted him. Every second. Every day. She didn't know how to have him and her secret. It was one of the hardest things she's ever had to do.

She gave up one boy and lied to another—in the end, giving him up, too. She deserved neither of them and still, she yearns for both of them. She longs for them every day. Not just in the beginning of August or during high school basketball championship season. Not just when she gets a fresh batch of pictures from New Zealand or Georgia. Her heart aches for that kind of fullness, wholeness, she only feels in their presence. Every hour.

And she's never going to have it. Because she gave it up. For them, maybe. But she did.

The trip to Georgia has never felt this long. Not even to a six year old being driven by a man she barely knew—her father—and therefore, never spoke to. She wanted to go earlier this year. She wanted to see Aunt Charlotte, maybe see about having a wedding right there in the surf of her childhood. Her mother talked her out of it. She convinced her that it would be awkward and that explaining to Julian would be too much. She didn't feel like explaining. Why should she have to so close to her wedding day? And what if Lucas and Peyton were to come to the wedding? There'd be no hiding it. No, Victoria had been right. It would have been a bad choice. Even if it's the only one she wanted to make. How was she supposed to have a wedding without the two boys she gave up, anyway? Her day would be incomplete without them. Just like all of her other days.

But now, she doesn't care about a wedding. Not right now. Now, she's never going to talk to Aunt Charlotte again. She misses their monthly chats already. Now, she has to explain to Julian. And she has to trust that he's going to understand or that she can make it if he doesn't.

Because he's hers. In every way that matters—and now, legally too. And she's going to get him. To bring him home with her, which is probably what she should have done ten Augusts ago.

But she can't think about that right now.

So, instead, she thinks about August. She thinks about Lucas. And everything and one else that she's ever loved. And hated. Sometimes, even simultaneously.

Don't think I don't wonder 'bout,
Could've been, should've been all worked out.
I know what I felt, and I know what I said,
But don't think I don't think about it.

-x-b-x-l-x-

When we make choices, we gotta live with them.
Heard you found a real good man and you married him.
I wonder if sometimes I cross your mind.
Where would we be today?

They're going to be in Tree Hill in five hours. In five hours, this will all be put into perspective for him. Maybe by that time, he'll see his wife's point of view. Maybe he'll agree that this trip is stupid and impulsive. Maybe.

But he doesn't think so. Not right now.

Right now, he's all kinds of floored that Peyton isn't more concerned about Brooke. She left for Georgia in tears, for crying out loud! An eleven hour drive, Peyton said. That means she's driving eleven hours, alone, in the middle of the night, upset. And he thought she'd be safe with Julian. What a joke.

He would never have let her take that drive alone; even if he had to follow at a distance so she could be as alone as she wanted but also make sure she stayed safe. But what does Julian do? He calls Peyton to see if she can decipher what happened. Instead of talking to Brooke, he tries to figure it out without her. After about three years of dating Brooke, he still doesn't understand her when she gets upset. He still doesn't really know her. What does that say about him? Lucas could read Brooke so early on that it was scary to him. But not nearly as scary as when she seemingly cut all of her emotions completely off and he wasn't able to read her anymore. So either Brooke has cut Julian out of her emotions or he's an idiot. She's not that hard to read—but only if she wants to be read.

When Peyton listened to whatever Julian was saying and then informed him that Brooke had an old aunt on an island off of Georgia and it sounded like maybe Brooke said that she died, Lucas started to book flights for him, Peyton, and Sawyer. She'd need them if she was upset enough to leave alone. Peyton, of course, had explained when Mrs. James died that Haley had Nathan and Brooke and that Quinn was home so there was no need to run to her side. And he saw her point, especially when she told him that it brought up all of those emotions about her own mothers. But this was different. Because Brooke is Peyton's best friend. And she doesn't have the support system that Haley has. Clearly. And she's already had one major blow this year. That they weren't there for.

That he felt guilty over.

When he decided to leave, to move Peyton and Sawyer away from home, it was all about him. It's probably one of the most selfish things he has ever done. But he really just wanted something fresh for them. A town without all of the bad memories. He should have realized that the good memories are just as important. And that the people living in that town were as much his family as his mom and Lily. And that those bad memories are the ones that follow you around and haunt you at two am. He thought if they could get somewhere without Brooke, he'd be able to forget all of the dreams he had for them. He didn't want to watch her be Aunt Brooke to Sawyer. He couldn't. It almost felt like too much for him to handle. His baby in her arms.

But it wasn't her baby. And that made him sad. And guilty for being sad.

He thought if he could get them out of Tree Hill, that maybe he'd be able to write again. Maybe Peyton would spend more time with Sawyer and less time with her aspiring artists. Oh, but he should know by now that coulda, shoulda, woulda's are just that. He still has no idea where his ability to write went. He's still his baby girl's primary caregiver—not that he's complaining. She's perfect. But her mom isn't there. Sure, she's there physically a few hours a day but she's never really there. Take her away from Red Bedroom Records and Mia and Haley and she'll just find other unsigned artists to champion. She's signed four unheard of bands so far to a sister label in New Zealand. She's missed the same amount of milestones in her baby's life. Her first smile, her first word—dada, her first steps, and her first tooth—plus the two weeks of unbearable teething symptoms that came with it. She always tells him that she's just doing what she was born to do and that she knows Sawyer is safe and sound at home with him. She doesn't have to worry.

He worries enough for the both of them, he supposes. He knows what it feels like—being less than number one in a parents' life. He knows how that inferior feeling and the helplessness festers into a deep-seeded anger. He knows that Peyton working isn't the same thing as Dan denying him. But it's close enough, for him. He's tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. She didn't have to have the baby and she did. She risked her life for her. Maybe that should be enough. But it's just not.

It's not.

And it's not okay that she's mad at him for needing to make sure Brooke's okay now. When it's obvious that Brooke's not okay. And, as her best friend in the world, she should care. She shouldn't be worried about missing an amazing band tomorrow night. She should be worried about whether or not Brooke's even going to make it home okay. He's definitely worried about that. And he's missing an important meeting with his new editor—via satellite—to be on this plane. Not that he has anything new to report.

He looks over at her; her eyes are closed, her iPod ear buds securely in place, and not a worry in the world, it seems. At one time, he'd have told himself that this was her way of worrying. That she just had a really hard time expressing her feelings. That death is hard on her. Hell, this morning he would have at least tried to justify it. But between the fight they had as he was packing up Sawyer for the trip and her coldness since they boarded the plane, he just can't bring himself to do it.

She's not an angel. And she's definitely not his angel.

His angel is asleep in his lap. His precious, beautiful baby.

Whose mom barely acknowledges her. So much so that his own mom has stopped letting him make excuses for her. She didn't need to have a mother to know how to love her child. She's been loved enough. This is clear and total avoidance. For what reason? No one knows.

Well, no one knows it's like this but him and Peyton. And his mom.

Brooke would come out and try to talk sense into Peyton and Haley would try to talk him into coming home. And it'd all just be worse than it already is. Because then Peyton would feel pressured and that's not what he wants. He wants her to want to spend time with their child.

When she was a baby and they were still in Tree Hill, Peyton seemed so eager to parent. But then, at three months, she developed colic and a bad case of acid reflux. Nothing made her happy. Nothing could stop the screaming. They couldn't find the right food for her and she couldn't keep anything they gave her down. And Peyton gave up. Even now that Lucas has it mostly under control, she still hasn't come back to that early enthusiasm. She's happy just knowing that Sawyer's doing fine. Just being told by Lucas that she's doing fine, since she didn't make her first year or second year check-up. And Lucas has long since stopped feeling sorry for his wife's sense of helplessness and started to resent it.

He never gets a break.

Which brings his thoughts right back to Brooke. Peyton said that Julian mentioned Brooke bringing someone back with her. She said she was going to get someone. A him.

He can't understand why, if no one but Peyton even knew about this aunt, Brooke would know someone under her aunt's care enough to want to go down there and take him home. It can't be a cousin. Brooke's an only child of two only children. And Peyton remembers the aunt as being really old—too old to have a baby or even be a foster parent. Victoria is refusing to discuss it with Julian, saying only that Brooke should let sleeping dogs lie. Whatever that means. He's always hated her. She didn't even want them to come.

How could anyone have Brooke Davis as a child and be that evil? Peyton isn't being evil; she's just scared. Hiding. Whatever. It doesn't excuse it but at least she's not mean. He wouldn't allow that.

Sawyer rolls over in her seat and starts whimpering. It's a long plane ride for a two year old. She crawls deeper into his lap and snuggles and he smiles down at her.

They'll be in Tree Hill in a little over four hours, now. And he knows he's got a lot of drama to face when he gets there.

For now, he's just going to focus on the only girl he can comfort. For the time being, anyway.

Don't think I don't think about it.
Don't think I don't have regrets.

-x-b-x-l-x-

Don't think I don't wonder 'bout,
Could've been, should've been all worked out.

She's coming for him. That's what the lady with Grady said.

Auntie Charlotte isn't coming back and she is.

He doesn't understand at all. Just yesterday morning, they were talking about taking a ride to the aquarium next week. And now she's not even going to come get him from his best friend's house. She's just gone. They've talked about this. That one day, she might get sick. That someone else might have to come take care of him for awhile. That maybe that person would be her. But the angels weren't supposed to need Auntie so soon.

He didn't even get to say good-bye. She's the only person in the world who has ever loved him and she left without him telling her how much he loved her, too. He wasn't there.

Maybe he could have helped. They said it wasn't his fault, the lady and Grady, but how do they know? He might have been able to call someone faster. They don't know. And now, she's gone.

All of his life, she's told him about her favorite niece. About how much she loved him. About how much she wanted him. She always said that one day soon, her favorite niece, his mom, would come and see them. But she never has. Not once. And he stopped hoping for it a long time ago—he never told Aunt Charlotte that, though. Aunt Charlotte never gave up hope. She was so sure her Brookie didn't forget about her baby boy. He knew better, as the forgotten child.

But now, she has no choice but to come and get him. No one else wants him so she has to take him with her this time.

And he doesn't want to go. All in one day, he lost his only family and his home.

He just wants to go home.

He hears the door open and looks up into a face that he's seen in pictures all of his life, though never in person. She looks as sad as he feels and he wonders if it's really all that bad that she has to finally take care of him herself.

And then she speaks. "Ethan."

His name. She gave it to him, Aunt Charlotte said. Of course, she'd know it but it still surprises him to hear her. He's never heard her voice. And now, she's saying his name.

Mrs. Johnson comes in and sees her there, "Ms. Davis, you're here. Your mother has been calling, pretty frantic. I know this is a hard time for your family." Brooke seems to look like she doesn't understand what the social worker is saying. "She wanted me to tell you that Lucas and Peyton are on their way to Tree Hill."

That seems to hit somewhere deep inside the woman who is supposed to be his mother. She goes from white to almost see-through. He knows that this can't be good.

And then he remembers the few times he asked about his dad. Aunt Charlotte always referred to him as Brookie's love. But once, she slipped and said a name. Lucas.

If he didn't hate her, he'd almost feel bad for Brooke. She looks almost worse than he feels. Almost. Then, right before his eyes, she seems to pull herself together. Snap herself out of whatever it was she was feeling. Any trace of sadness or being scared is gone from her face.

She nods and then says evenly, "I assume you're the social worker I talked to last night? I'd like to just take Ethan home. Can we work out everything else at a later date?"

Mrs. Johnson looks like she doesn't approve but just shakes her head yes. "Ethan was at his friend's house last night and doesn't have any of his things. I can give you a key to your Aunt's house and fax the papers over to you. You need to sign, taking responsibility for him."

"I can't." For just a second, she's sad again and then it's gone. "I'll get him some clothes when we get home. I can't go to that house right now. I'll leave you my numbers. Of course I'm taking responsibility for him."

He's trying to figure out where she's calling home. Watching them talk about him as if he's not even there is upsetting him even more than he already was.

He doesn't think she wants to take him to his home. She's taking him to her home.

He hates her even more than he did when she was just a person that Aunt Charlotte talked about. A person who left him.

"Ethan." She's talking to him again. "Come on, baby. It's a long drive."

She's holding her hand out to him and he knows that he has to go. But he can't take her hand. He can't touch her. So he just walks past her to the door and she must follow him.

Grady's there, telling her that he'll take care of everything until they have a chance to come back and pack it up. And then, they're leaving.

Together.

When they pass the general store, she pulls off the road and looks at him for a long time. Maybe she's trying to decide if she even wants him now that she has to take him. Maybe he already isn't good enough. Again.

"Listen," she starts so abruptly, that it almost scares him, "I know you don't know me. I know that's my fault. But I want to know you. I always have. I'm so sorry about Aunt Charlotte. I'm sorry about a lot of things. But I want you to know that I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to earn your love. Because I already love you. I've loved you your whole life. You're not a baby anymore but you're still mine."

She pauses and he thinks she's done and then she says, "You're my son."

She nods and pulls back onto the road, continuing the drive out of the only place he has ever known.

And all he can think is, if she really loved him, she'd keep him here. Or she'd have come sooner. Or she wouldn't have given him away at all.

No, she doesn't love him. And that's good. It's fine.

Because he doesn't love her, either.

Don't think I don't…
Don't think I don't…

So, this is just a prologue but I think you got the picture. I'd really like everyone's thoughts on this. Should I pursue this story? Should I delete? Should I move on and stop missing BL and old school OTH as much as I do? Should I stop fanwanking and creating my own canon? Should I learn not to make my ANs so long and personal?

Review, and let me know. Please and thanks! :)

xx-Cor