I'm fast. Enjoy the awesome coolness of my favorite character! (Too enthusiastic)
Jonathan: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual
Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully automated JONATHAN unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your geeky short kid, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Basic Information:
Name: Jonathan Levinson
Date Of Manufacture: 1981
Place Of Manufacture: Hellmouth Creations, Sunnydale Division
Height: 5'2"
Weight: Unknown
Your JONATHAN unit will come with the following accessories:
Four striped t-shirts
Three pairs of jeans
Two sweaters
A Batman action figure
A pair of shoes
A book called Oh Jonathan
When you first open your JONATHAN unit, he may look weak and pathetic. You will learn this is normal for your unit, and come to accept it shortly.
Programming:
Your JONATHAN unit is short, with low self-esteem, and no friends, and can carry out the following functions:
Nerd: He knows a lot about all those superheroes and stuff, so if you ever need to know something about James Bond, or whoever, ask him. Just do not go dissing Roger Moore.
Wizard: Not as effective as WILLOW or GILES units, but he is cheaper than they are and gets the job done. Most of the time with only minor side effects. Consult a doctor if itchiness or inflammation of eyes occurs.
Evil Genius: Well, kind of. We do not like to promote this function, as it is only semi-reliable, however, it is possible.
Klingon translator: If you ever happen across a group of Klingon, JONATHAN will be more than happy to translate for you. That is, if he can get over his 'fan boy moment' about it.
Your JONATHAN unit comes with six different modes:
Nervous
Awkward
Friendly
Superstar
Geeky Evil Genius
Nerd
Nervous and Awkward mode are different, no matter the fact they are listed under each other in the thesaurus. In nervous mode, there will be more stuttering and sweat than in awkward mode, which is more silence and shifting of weight.
Friendly mode is only available to a more confident JONATHAN, however, if treated properly, should be activated within six months of purchase.
Superstar mode is activated shortly after your unit's umpteenth blow to the self-esteem. You may notice yourself idolizing your unit more than usual, and that the girl next door is spending a lot more time at your house. Just go out and kill the big ugly monster. It is easy…You may want to join forces with a BUFFY unit…
Geeky Evil Genius mode is available after the purchase of a WARREN MEARS unit and an ANDREW WELLS unit. It leads to long periods of time spent in the basement, a large van outfitted with the latest technology and free cable, a freeze ray, jet packs, and the possible adoption of the nickname Johnny Snow (see Dr Horrible).
Nerd mode is activated whenever a cult-hit movie is on TV. So, pretty much constantly. It is a default thing, and if you do not like it, too bad.
Relations with other units:
BUFFY SUMMERS: Your unit will have respect for BUFFY, and possibly want to get in her pants. BUFFY, However (like most people) will not have much of an opinion for JONATHAN.
WARREN MEARS: JONATHAN and WARREN, along with ANDREW WELLS, make up the Trio, an annoying team that believes they can take over Sunnydale. The two working together, get into many boyish fights, and are not what anyone could call mature. Like we said, putting the three of them together could get very annoying for you, and heighten your electrical bills severely.
ANDREW WELLS: These two get along better than with WARREN, because WARREN does not care about breaking the law as much as his cohorts do. After WARREN's demise, the pair goes to Mexico, before returning to Sunnydale, where a very confused/conflicted ANDREW kills JONATHAN. Of course, your units do not know about that, and get on fine.
Cleaning: The JONATHAN unit is fully capable of cleaning himself, but seems like the type to slip in the shower. Maybe you should get a sticky bathmat.
Energy: The JONATHAN unit appears (in The Wish) to enjoy a slushee-type drink called the "Huge Glug", but will probably like to eat three meals a day.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My JONATHAN unit is kind of floppy and non-responsive. What were they doing at that dance?
A: The multi-cultural dance? Looks like your unit finally got kissed. It was an Incan Mummy who did it, though, and you are lucky your unit is alive. Try the old tricks-bucket of cold water; get some sleep, "if you don't respond it five seconds, I'm breaking your model Death Star!"
Q: He….bought a Speedo. WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO HIM?
A: He is trying out for the swim team. His hopes will be crushed soon, though, so you will never actually see him wear the thing.
Q: I recently purchased a JONATHAN unit, and having been excited by my friend's unit (who just starred in the Matrix), was disappointed to find my unit a useless wimp. What is up with that?
A: The units do not all hit "SUPERSTAR" at the same time, and you will just have to wait to be put under the spell by your own unit. Sorry.
Q: He has a gun…help.
A: Take it away- what are you wasting time here for? Go save your unit! Go, go, go!
Q: JONATHAN is boring. Can I send him back?
A: Why would you order him then, moron? Get him in the box, and send him back. We do not cover shipping, though.
Q: My unit says he is going to Mexico with the ANDREW from two streets over. I knew ANDREW was gay, but I did not think they would just up and leave. Can I convince him to stay?
A: Yes. Tie him to the bedpost. If he loves you, he will come back. Then get stabbed.
Q: What is all this talk about the "Seal of Danzelthar" or whatever? It's seriously creeping me out.
A: Get over it. Nothing will come of it. Except Uber-Vamps and your unit's untimely yet inevitable death.
Warranty: With proper care, the JONATHAN unit should live until the end of his days, or until Andrew stabs him because he couldn't catch a pig. If you should become annoyed with hemming his pants, send him back within sixty days for a full refund.
So, who wants an Anya one?
Also, I should write Jonathan's auto biography, Oh, Jonathan. Available at a bookstore near you.