Disclaimer: I don't own those, I just made merry with them.

Shout Out: Happy New Year 2020! I know this is one hell of a short missive, but well. I am sleepy and honestly tired. 2019 was hard, awesome but hard and there were many lessons I've had to learn through it. I think I'd need another year of holidays before I'd be ready for 2020, but well, time waits for no one. So without further ado, enjoy!

Ragtime

"Why is everytime you squishies play this music there has to be inevitable violence?" Barricade questioned, frowning.

Harry listened to the music, confused with Barricade's question. The melody was familiar - quirky, fast-paced and one could almost hear the crash-bang of a bar fight in the background.

"Well, you can't have a good bar fight without ragtime." Harry shrugged, as the quirky notes of 'The Entertainer' floated on the air.

Behind the pair, a chair crashed against the wall, while the fight in the bar raged on and surprisingly all of the brawlers who were fighting among themselves somehow ignored the piano player in the corner pounding away on the instrument.

"One more whiskey?" The western-clad beauty offered a glass to Harry, giving him a saucy wink and a generous chance to look at her bountiful cleavage.

Rubixcube

"What is that?" Barricade pointed at the cube with multiple colored faces.

"It's Rubix cube." Luna answered him, a small smile on her face. "It's a puzzle."

"Yeah, we capeesh that, but howdya solve dat?" Jazz pipped up. The mech in question was currently using his hologram, cuddling to Luna, who was surprisingly receptive to his advances. The mech was clad in red t-shirt with brown leather jacket and trousers made from the same material, his hair semi-long and messy, and the only thing that indicated he was strange in a way was half-transparent blue visor over his eyes.

"See the smaller blocks? You have to rotate them until all faces are the same color." Sam pointed out as he leaned against Bee. The younger mech was surprisingly innocent looking, what with his blond hair and baby blue eyes on the baby smooth face. He was clothed in different shades of blue - faded out blue jeans and blue long-sleeved shirt that was impeccably folded in. He didn't speak much, as Ratchet had forbidden him to do so until the new vocalizer integrated in the frame, but his facial expressions were usually informative enough for his friends to know what he wanted to say. And anyway, Sam was his officially unofficial translator if one needed to nitpick about it. Currently, he watched the small cube, blue eyes fascinated with the toy.

"Uh-huh. Simple enough." Jazz snatched the cube and a minute later, he had solved it, crowing with triumph as he spun the small object on the tip of his forefinger.

Sam gawked. "That's unfair!" He cried out. He had struggled with that particular cube for a month, and here came Jazz and solved him as easily as he breathed!

"Mwahaha, bow to the Puzzle King!" Jazz cackled, earning the glares of everyone in their little crew, with exception of Luna and Harry.

Harry shook his head pityingly. "I am afraid you are a bit too late for that." He announced, causing Sam to turn to him.

"You are better than him, then?" Sam inquired.

"Oh, no," Harry demurred. "I'd never. But I do know of a guy …."

Jazz stilled. "-… What." His voice was flat as he bristled with annoyance, much to their amusement. "Ya sayin', there's some better 'n me about this?"

"But of course." Harry smiled like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. "That guy, Chuck Norris ate the Rubix cube and shit it out solved."

"…. What." Jazz gaped. "How - when - gimme his number!" He demanded; the cube forgotten on the floor.

Harry blinked, taken aback at Jazz vehement demand to get in contact with the contender for the title. Woah, was Jazz serious? Seeing Jazz's stubborn face, he looked at Sam, who was looking like he would explode with laughter any time now. He was definitely shaking so much beside Bumblebee that the 'Bee's hologram was looking at him, concerned for his health.

"No need. You don't find Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris finds you." Harry finished solemnly.

Ratchet was watching Jazz suspiciously. The mech was behaving strangely ever since he came from his pow-wow with Sam and his cousin.

"Do I have to drag you into my med bay or what?" He grunted at Jazz, who squeaked with fright.

Jazz. Squeaked. If that wasn't the cause for alarm, nothing was. Usually, nobody could get a drop on that one, so if Jazz was inattentive enough for Ratchet out of all being successfully sneak upon him, then yep, there was trouble.

"Holy shit, Ratchet! Wear a bell, would you!" Jazz snapped at him. Rathchet's eyebrows lifted. "Do I need to send you to Ironhide for retraining, Jazz?" He growled, as he ran the scanners to check if Jazz was alright, causing Jazz to squirm with discomfort.

"I swear, Ratchet, if you don't cease using the scans on my holoform – " Jazz growled at him. The sensation wasn't pleasant - it was akin to nude stripping in the middle of Antarctica and then jump into freezing water in one go.

"I will when you tell me what goes through your head." Ratchet squinted at him suspiciously, causing Jazz to cringe. Even stranger, Jazz followed him into med-bay without any protest, which was so un-Jazz-like Ratchet seriously wondered if he was still dealing with Jazz out of all mechs.

"Spit it out." The old doc demanded as he imperiously pointed to the chair for Jazz to sit on.

Jazz complied with the unvoiced order, but the voiced one had him fidget even further.

"Hey, Ratch…. I think I've done the stupid." He finally admitted, looking as if he had stole high-grade energon when he was still a youngling.

"That's nothing new." Ratchet grumbled out, his tone long-suffering as he engaged some of his more advanced scanners to look through Jazz's form, causing him to squirm even harder. "What was this time?"

"A Rubix cube and – " Jazz looked seriously downtrodden and Ratchet suddenly had an inkling that someone finally stole the pie - ahem, Jazz's title of the uncrowned king of puzzle games from him.

"And of course, you lost. Yay, finally." He deadpanned, not minding that her was subjected to Jazz's glare.

"But Ratchet, that guy could eat the Rubix cube and shit it out solved!" Jazz honest to Primus wailed to him, stopping the med-bot in his tracks.

"That's anatomically impossible." Ratchet deadpanned. "And unhygienic." Ratchet's memory databanks would never be the same. If one would've said to him, vorns ago that he would be squicked by the subject of Anatomy, Ratchet would've shut them up with his trusty wrench. However, squi - ahem, humans, proved to be an exception to the rule, much to Ratchet's horror and dismay.

"And them when I asked for his number Sam said I needn't bother with it because the guy will find me himself."

Ratchet vented in the air to ream Jazz for his stupidity when both of them received a ping.

"Hello?" Jazz spoke into the void. "How may I help you?"

There was a silence and a sound of breathing on the other side, before a man spoke out.

"I don't initiate violence. I retaliate." The quote was spoken and Jazz emitted the girliest screech outside Starscream's range on the planet.

"HOLY SHIT, HE LIVES! AND HE'S COMING AFTER ME!"

Hungover

Unicron woke up feeling like his processors were repairing and smelting all over again and the light was enemy, and he was sticky like he took a bath in molasses and he was in the middle of the demolished remains of a peanut butter cake.

"Rise and shine, sleepy head!" Starscream's not-so-dulcet tones shredded his audioboxes, causing him to pitifully whimper and attempt to curl into himself. Even his whimper was more or less of a graceless croak and everything was swimming and when Unicron tried to stand up, his body decided to play particularly stubborn noodle, disconnecting itself from every other sensation except pain.

"Frag you, you pit-spawn." Unicron hissed back, only for his voice to come out like an adorable squeak of a small kitten.

Starscream smiled. It wasn't a kind smile.

But of course, he had a job - ahem, favor to do to the erstwhile deity. So, he fished out a small bag and carefully picked Unicron in his ball form into it.

Then, cheerfully whistling and intentionally ripping Unicron's pain nerves apart on the way, he strode off to the washing machine and chucked the load in, along with a good helping of especially smelly socks and dirty underwear. (Bless Ron Weasley and his inability to operate a humble washing machine.)

If the golden ball had an ability, it would definitely color itself green from the horrific olfactory overload. But Starscream wasn't finished yet. Oh no, not by a long shot. He slammed the door shut, poured in the detergent and set the ball rolling. Literally.

Unicron may have lived eons upon eons, but that two and half an hour spent in the bowels of that infernal machine may as well be an eternity to end all eternities.

Dirty water, disgusting smells, and oh gods, the sounds and rolling rolling and rolling around, with no chance to stop, because inertia apparently had a fuck you day when it concerned Unicron in a washing machine.

Unicron tried to call, but his voice was muffled and the comm-links were equally messed up, what with Unicron being unable to concentrate well enough to properly activate them.

And then, when Unicron was exhausted and wishing oblivion to swallow him, the devil machine finally stopped and someone unloaded it.

Unicron could've cried when he heard Harry's concerned voice calling him, asking him as if he was alright.

Instead, he uncurled himself out of the ball and grabbed Harry's fingers, nuzzling against them with his face while his wings tickled Harry's skin, so very careful not to damage his savior.

Starscream watched the surprisingly docile Unicron snuggle into Harry's side, much to the wizard's confusion and Ravage's annoyance. Unicron sensed him looking at him and his wings stiffened before he curled into himself, but not before shooting Starscream a glare.

That wasn't over. Not by a long shot.

"Woah, how the heck did you manage my clothes to be so clean and white? And they are soft to boot!" Ron was astonished with Starscream' prowess of cleaning his clothes.

Starscream gave a nonchalant shrug. "A washing machine is a wonderful invention - and I had a special golden ball that additionally cleaned out the mess." He spoke out nonchalantly, but just loud enough for Unicron to hear his comment without any problem.

The said 'special golden ball' got unpleasant flashback of its prison time and abuse as a secondary cleaning device and it shivered.

"Can you sell it to me?" Ron asked hopefully.

Starscream shook his head. "It was a prototype, I am afraid. Maybe someday, yeah?" He smiled at Ron apologetically.

"Darn. For shame. But if you can make it again, I'd definitely buy it!" Ron shook his head and if Unicron could've paled, he would have.

Starscream's little threat was plain as a day. If Unicron tried anything ever again, then it was the Washiing Machine Prison for him again.

(Whoever said that Starscream had became a wimp ever since he was friend with his special squishy, was gravely mistaken.)

Dollhouse

'And Will, don't forget to buy Annie a dollhouse, okay, darling?" Sarah Lennox instructed to her erstwhile husband.

"Um-hm." Will grunted as he kissed her on the cheek. "Will do, darling." He gave Sarah a roguish wink, causing her to scoff at him and playfully shoo him out of the house, along with Ironhinde.

But the 'bot in question was confused, and not in a good sense.

"Will?" He called to his human companion who currently caught his wife in a hug and was about to kiss her.

"Yeah, 'Hide?"

Neither of the two expected Ironhide's cannons being leveled onto them.

"Why the Pit would you two want to buy your five-year old daughter a strip joint out of all things?" Ironhide growled as he loomed over the pair, blue optics flashing dangerously.

Willian Lennox would never, ever admit, but his jaw slackened with surprise in a move many people would unattractively call a gape.

"Strip joint!?" He spluttered. "Ironhide, did Simmons convince you to smoke weed or something?"

"I am, hundred percent sober – " Ironhide retorted, now aware that he had blurted out Something Stupid with capital S's.

"Then have you read the definition of the word?" Sarah demanded glaring, causing Ironhide to flinch back as he only too well recalled memories of Sarah's revenge to call Annie a Babytron on a certain 'bot that should not be named here.

"Is a strip joint, ma'am!" Ironhide just about saluted Sarah, but the woman's smile became ever sweeter and wider and oh god, she was about to murder Ironhide with a spoon, wasn't she?

"And the other definition?" Sarah prompted, like a teacher with truly infinitely saintly well of patience for her dumb pupil.

"…" Ironhide mentally prodded about the internet and found that other definition.

And promptly wished for the earth to swallow him whole.

'A toy house with small furniture and sometimes dolls in it for children to play with.'

" And now." Sarah's smile was mild as a milk, but to Ironhide, that smile was scarier than all Unicron's weaponry, ready willing and able to obliterate him from his existence. "Would you kindly tell me just which dictionary are you using to… educate yourself on such matters. Because you see, I am afraid I can't have Annie be influenced by such a …. Dirty-minded 'bot."

Ironhide swallowed a whine. His parental unit always tried to get him to learn more, and right now, Ironhide definitely regretted not heeding the small bit of wisdom he had willfully ignored for so long.

Fireflies

Starscream was not amused. He had been dragged alongside Barricade and the squishy furball named Teddy Lupin to one of their adventures.

They were catching fireflies.

Starscream had listened long and hard to Ginny's extolling of just how fireflies made summer night even more romantic and honestly, maybe he ought to have had his databanks get checked because him spending time on Ginny Weasley out of his free will ought to have been a result of catching some underhanded virus in his system.

"Starscream? What are you doing here?" Starscream turned around and he saw Harry sitting on a small rock, obviously surprised at the mech's appearance.

"We are catching fireflies." Starscream replied. "Though for the life of me I can't understand just why ought the insects with glowing butts add on romantic atmosphere in any way, shape or form."

As if spurn him for his words, a firefly landed directly on his nose, its glowing … butt…illuminating Starscream's nose as if Starscream were a humanoid Rudolf the Reindeer, only with green-lit nose instead of a red one.

Harry laughed at Starscream's indignant face and the bug stayed on Starscream's nose despite the mech's increasingly annoyed attempts to get it off of its chosen perch.

Some fireflies elected to land on Harry0s hair and suddenly, Starscream understood why the little critters were said to be romantic.

Smiling Harry, with fireflies hiding in his hair, like small stars, was one of the most beautiful sights Starscream had ever seen in his long life.

Demons

Ron stared at the trio who was nonchalantly preparing their breakfast.

"They are demons." He whispered to Hermione, horrified.

Hermione shot him a grumpy glare. The brainy witch was in not the best of the moods right now. Sometimes, she asked herself just why did she have to fall in love with such a…. dunderhead of a man. Really. It didn't help she was still deprived of her morning coffee.

"Really, Ronald? Really?" She sniped back as she snatched jug with milk cream off the table, pouring the white liquid on the top of nauseatingly strong brew in an above-averagely sized cup. "And why, pray tell, are you saying that they are Satan's spawn now?" She asked him mock-sweetly, not even bothering to keep her voice low.

Luckily for the two, their three guests were already used to the pair's antics. Currently, both Starscream and Barricade were glaring at each other over the box of Krispy Korners ™, those small sugary cereal treats being the point of current dispute between the two, with Megatron calmly taking the box and dumping an unholy amount of the cereal goodies into his bowl. The leader of Decepticons was not his impeccable self right now, what with his silver hair being mussed and he was clothed in dark gray T-shirt with black boxers. Starscream was clad in dark red sleeveless tank top with dark grey drawstring pants, while Barricade rocked dark blue A-shirt and equally colored loose shorts.

They looked more like hot models than demons. If Lavender had been there, she would've undoubtedly squealed Hermione's ears off about their hotness, not to mention Fleur. Hermione didn't even dare to think about What would Fleur do in such instance to the Handsome enough to be called devils, but demons?

Hermione glanced at them again.

Ron's eyes were Huge as he forced himself to look at them, if only for a moment, before his eyes zoomed back to Hermione's face. And if Hermione hadn't known that Ron was 100% into women, she would have thought he was either having sexuality crisis or one of his jealously attacks once again.

But this? This was new. For Merlin's sake, Ron looked ready to cry!

"T - they are dumping cereal into milk, okay! It's a crime above all crimes to – " Ron swallowed, before he continued with broken voice, as if the trio just murdered the entire Chudley Cannon lineup in front of him " - To put milk into the bowl before cereal! They are murdering the sanctity of breakfast!"

Hermione's hand whipped around, as she looked at the incriminating evidence.

And lo and behold, all three of them first put into their respective bowls milk before pouring in the cereal.

Brown eyes widened. The desecration happening in front of her was unbearable, on par with Madame Pince destroying the Hogwarts Library with fire and brimstone while cackling about it.

Such - such an heinously evil deed. And it was happening. In. Front. Of. Her, torturing her innocent eyes with its depravity.

"Oh my god, Ron. You are right." She breathed out, horrified at the demon0s careless desecration of the holy foods in front of them. And this was emergency, so Hermione swallowed her horror down before she determinedly turned to Ron again and told him The Plan. "

"Let's fetch stakes and holy water - I think Daddy has stored'em in the anteroom."

Rules

Squishies were interesting species. So very obsessed with rules and so obsessed with breaking them.

In fact, one of their main tenets was "Rules are made to be broken."

That was understandable.

But what Cybertronians couldn't understand was the next great maxim.

"If it exists, there's porn of it."

Actually, this was all Sam's fault. His, Bumblebee's, with Sunstreaker and Sideswipe being the helpers.

It was one of their dumb debates about rule breaking, with the twins bragging about how many rules they broke, and then, Sam just couldn't help himself and kindly inform them of that accursed second maxim.

The worst?

Harry was reading a book, for once relishing peace and quiet because the 'bots had their own things to do, so he had some alone time to read a book - surprise, surprise, Hermione may not survive the shock, considering Harry apparently was not a book person. But times change, and the book in question was interesting.

He was so immersed in a book that he overlooked Megatron coming into the living room and tugging him into his lap.

So Megatron almost scared the bejesus out of him when Harry finally returned back to reality, only to find himself being curled on Megatron's lap, with Megatron's chin resting on his head.

But what made him even warier, was a smirk on the ex-warlord's lips.

"You are planning something are you?" Harry spoke, suspicious of Megatron's good mood.

"But of course." Megatron sniffed disdainfully. "When am I not?"

Harry's eyebrows rose. Usually, Megatron wasn't so straightforward. But –

"Harry. Would you say we - as in, you and me, exist?" Megatron asked him, red eyes looking into his own green ones seriously.

Harry knew it was a trap question. He ought to have by stepped it, but his curiosity won again.

"Yeah, we do, why?" He asked back.

He was taken aback by Megatron's roguish smile that made him blush and his heart beat faster. It was unfair that Megatron was so good-looking - or at least his holoform was.

"Well, you know what they say. If it exists, then there's porn of it."

"What!?" Harry couldn't speak more than a squeak. He never took Megatron for a - a pervert!

"So what do you say, you confirmed that we exist… so shall we make a porn out of the two of us?"

Harry felt his cheeks burn with heat of… surprise, a smidgen of shame and oh, god, he wasn't seriously thinking to take Megatron up on his offer, was he?

"Your pick up lines are horrible, but at least you are trying to be original." He snarked back before he kissed Megatron's pout off of his lips.

And for some time, the book was forgotten on the floor while Megatron made good on his … pick up line.