Title: Camelot's Advisor.
Author: Danyliz.
Fandom: Merlin.
Characters/Pairing: Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Morgana.
Rating: PG-15.
Warnings: Crack fic. Silliness. AU: modern times.
Beta: Anbessette.
Summary: Camelot's Advisor: The best choice for your love problems.

A/N: I wanted to write a more cheerful and silly fic before updating 'Broken Pieces'. Thanks to the wonderful and amazing Anbessette for helping me with the beta.

Disclaimer: Merlin belongs to the BBC, the fantasies are all mine.

Camelot's Advisor.

Dear M:

I work temporarily in a big company. The pay isn't much but I need it for my art classes. Anyway, I have noticed that lately there's a guy stalking me. At first I though he was supervising my job, but now I see him everywhere! At my favorite café, at the grocery store, even when I'm in school! He was standing outside the window, which was creepy since my classroom is on the third floor.

I don't know what to do. Should I call the police? Quit my job? I can't quit my job! I need the money!

Please, help me!

Appreciative:

Tired of being stalked.

Dear Tired of being stalked:

Is the guy stalking you cute? If he is cute, maybe you can get to know him better. Who knows? He could be shy! I know a lot of guys who are clueless about how to approach a woman.

Although if you are in a relationship, then I advise you to take your boyfriend to your work and kiss him in front of the stalker. That should stop him.

Good luck!

M.

Dear M:

A friend told me about this site and she convinced me I should write you to ask for advice. I honestly feel like an idiot for doing so.

There's a person I'm interested in, but I don't know how to get closer since this person is poor and stupid. I tried to talk to him, but he just ran away and looked me like I was crazy.

What do you think I should do?

Skeptical with charm.

Dear Skeptical with charm:

If you feel like an idiot for asking for advice perhaps it is because you are indeed an idiot.

I don't see how the fact that he is poor affects the relationship. Are you one of those snobs? If you are, then you probably don't deserve this guy. Go look for a rich one and leave this one for the right girl.

Good luck!

M.

Dear M:

I'm a guy! I know is cliché for a gay dude to ask advice on a website, but you shouldn't label every letter you receive.

And yes, the stalker is handsome, but he's a jerk. He told me that I should burn my favorite scarf and buy things with good taste on e-bay. I made it my personal mission to avoid that spoiled brat after he opened his mouth to criticize me.

He keeps looking at me though, and he even had the nerve to get me wet when he stopped his stupid car next to a pool of water and then asked me if I wanted a ride. I think he's mental.

I have a friend, but I think he is seeing someone already and he wouldn't be cooperative with the kiss thing. I'm tired of being molested by this annoying guy. It's a shame because he has a great butt. Nevertheless his attitude is a mood killer.

What should I do?

Appreciative:

Tired of being stalked and criticized.

Dear Tired of being stalked and criticized:

If you are gay and this fellow is handsome, why don't you give it a try? Maybe he is just acting like a spoiled brat because he wants your attention. It's similar to when little boys pull the hair of the girl that they like. Frankly, boys and men are not very different; they are immature and sort of stupid.

A great butt is hard to find, trust me.

Though if you really are that annoyed and want to get ride of him, file a sexual harassment complaint against him. That should be enough.

Good luck!

M.

Dear M:

You are very rude. I'm not a snob and trust me, he wouldn't be with the right girl because he is gay. He wears this horrendous bright orange scarf that yells 'gay' to anyone who sees it. I suggested he get rid of it and that's when he started avoiding me. I was just doing him a favor!

He is just impossible. I tried to being nice to him and offered to give him a ride. He got upset and left me there with the car door open. Who passes up the opportunity to ride a convertible, honestly? I told you he was stupid.

I don't see why he is being this difficult. I have an awesome butt, women throw themselves at me.

Maybe I need to buy him another scarf?

Confused by the stupid guy with the horrible orange scarf.

Dear Confused by the stupid guy with the horrible orange scarf:

Women and men are different, idiot. You can't treat him like you treat a girl. And honestly, if you treat girls like that, I don't see how any woman with self-respect would take it. You are a snob.

Don't buy him another scarf; he doesn't care about the money. He wants respect.

Ask him out for lunch, and see how it goes. Don't be too pretentious and be nice.

I don't know why I'm giving you advice. It's obvious that you don't deserve him.

Good luck! (To him)

M.

Dear M:

I will try not to be offended by the 'boys are the same as men' thing. I told you I'm a guy too. This stalker is getting on my nerves. He asked me to bring him lunch, and when I did it he started calling me stupid, and he even threw away the baguette I spent my entire lunch break trying to find because the spoiled prince only wants special mustard.

I'm sick of this. I'm two tantrums away from quitting. I saw him talking to my co-worker and they both looked kind of upset. Now the stalker is bad-mouthing about me with other people!

I'm desperate. Please tell me what to do!

Appreciative:

Tired of being stalked by annoying brats.

Dear Tired of being stalked by annoying brats:

Are you sure he asked you to bring him lunch? It seemed a little off… maybe you misheard him.

I think this guy is emotionally retarded. That's why he can't say directly what his deal is. Is he cute enough to endure this?

But like I told you, if you just want to end this stalking thing, file a sexual harassment complaint against him with graphic details.

Good luck!

M.

Dear M:

The M stands for what? Mischievous witch?

I followed your advice, and it didn't work! I ask him to grab lunch, and the idiot brought me a baguette. I was looking for him and then he appeared with the stupid meal, complaining about he had to go to five different places because I want special mustard.

I told him he was stupid, and he got madder. It was the funniest date I've ever been on, and it only lasted five minutes. He gets an attractive shade of red when he gets mad. Maybe I should annoy him more.

I have another problem though. There's this other man who is thinking about asking my guy out. I want to punch him. You think that would get me points with my person? Who doesn't love a king in shinning armor, right?

Yeah, I'll do that. I'll punch the other guy in front of him.

Thanks!

King in shinning armor.

Dear King in shinning armor:

First, the 'M' stands for: Mind your own business.

Second: It's 'knight in shinning armor', not king.

Third: Are you mentally ill? If you are, please get medical attention. Modern meds are wonderful; you can have a normal life.

If you are not mentally ill, then let me tell you that you are an utter idiot. You don't molest the person you like. You aren't ten years old (I hope).

Ask him nicely, and be clear about it. Perhaps you can get him some coffee and then invite him to have dinner or something.

And no, you'd better not punch that other man, that would make your crush fall for the other guy. Haven't you heard about the victim's enchantment? We are not in medieval times where you could be all primitive and hit around the competition. D-O-N-'T P-U-N-C-H T-H-E G-U-Y.

Good luck! (don't punch anyone!)

M.

Dear M:

The stalker is still annoying me. He tried to make small talk on my lunch break and he threw coffee at me. I was about to file that complaint you suggested, but I found out he is the owner's son. I don't want to be fired.

Now I'm torn, I can't be rude to him because that could get me fired, but he is so irritating… I just want to kick him!

What should I do now?

Appreciative:

Stalked by the owner's little monster.

Dear Stalked by the owner's little monster:

It doesn't matter that he is the owner's son. If you are uncomfortable, you can report him. While I recommend that you just avoid this person, I get the impression you don't want to.

If you see beyond his spoiled exterior, perhaps you will truly see the person beneath. It could be the guy of your dreams.

In my experience, the best romances always start with an antagonist.

Although if you feel you can't deal with the guy, buy pepper spray and a stun gun.

Good luck!

M.

Dear M:

I'm not an idiot! I treat him like a girl because he acts like one. Honestly, he got all worked up because I accidentally threw my coffee at him when I was trying to ask him out. It was a Frapucchino, it wasn't hot. My coffee was more expensive than his awful shirt. I even volunteered to buy him another one and he just left.

I think he knows I'm the owner's son. He hasn't snapped at me in days.

I see what you mean… then I need to let myself be punched by this guy. Then he will like me more, right?

Maybe I should just threat him with firing him if he is not nice to me… that would be easier.

Confused by the stupid guy with the stained shirt.

Dear Confused by the stupid guy with the stained shirt:

You are an idiot. Deal with it. You don't throw coffee at the people you like. Honestly, are you ten?

If you want this guy, ask him out directly. Invite him to have dinner with you, and do it nicely.

And no, if you let the other guy punch you, it will probably make your crush fall for this fellow, since I think he wants to punch you himself.

Stop abusing your position, you can't threaten him with being fired. He would sue you.

Just be nice, and ask him out already without throwing anything at him.

Good luck! (you'll need it)

M.

Dear M:

The stalker asked me out. HE ASKED ME OUT.

I think he IS crazy. How can he possibly think I want to go out with him, after how he treated me?

The worst thing is that I'm actually considering it. So far he only provokes me into punching him or kicking him. I can't imagine how an entire dinner will go.

But also I want to give him a chance. Maybe it's like you said and he only acts this way as a way to defend himself or something like that. Maybe inside he is a nice, caring and polite person.

What do you think I should do?

Appreciative:

Confused by the spoiled brat.

Dear Confused by the spoiled brat:

I think you should give him a chance. I don't guarantee you he will be nicer or more polite, but maybe you would see another aspect of the guy. Like I told you, it's probably just a façade because he doesn't know how to act around you. Once you two are in a more romantic environment, things should go better.

However, if they turn out worse, then either you quit or you sue him.

By the way, those urges you have to kick him or punch him could be because you desire him. A lot of sexual tension is manifested with physical damage (like biting, scratching and whipping).

Explore those little fantasies and let me know how it went.

Good luck!

M.

Dear M:

I finally asked him out, and he told me he would think about it. Can't you believe him? Who needs to think about dating me?

This has been a totally waste of time.

I'm just leaving him alone and I'll be back to stalking him… I mean, to observing him.

Thank you for nothing.

Disappointed by love.

Dear Disappointed by love:

The guy said he would think about it. Have it crossed to your damaged mind that he needs time since you have been treating him like a servant?

Give him time; he needs to at least assimilate to the invitation.

Don't be dramatic.

Good luck!

M.

Dear M:

I said yes.

I think I will regret it.

And please, don't put strange ideas in my mind.

Apprehensive:

Scared with stun gun (just in case)

Dear Scared with stun gun (just in case):

Good for you. You don't truly live if you don't take risks.

I approve the stun gun. It could be useful for other things.

I hope your date turns out fine.

Good luck!

M.

Dear M:

He finally said yes. Now I don't know what to do!

Should I buy him flowers? Chocolates? Both?

I'm a nervous wreck! How is it that the most idiotic guy I have met can do this to me?

He must be a wizard! He cast a spell on me. A love spell.

Yeah, that explains it.

I'm in love with a bloody wizard. Harry Potter is real! I mean, I haven't read the books, but I know they are about a wizard.

I can't believe he enchanted me!

Enchanted by a wizard.

Dear Enchanted by a wizard:

Stop babbling and get real. He is not a wizard, and if he was, he would be probably more like Merlin. You know, Arthurian legend?

You are just in love for the first time in your life. That sometimes feels like magic.

And regarding your date, you better stop being an idiot and just be honest. Tell him you like him. And while doing so please don't call him 'stupid', 'idiot' or 'poor'.

Don't ruin it like the time you told Sophia that even though she was fat, you kind of liked her.

If you get this guy, buy a whip.

Good luck! (moron)

M.

Dear M:

MORGANA? WHAT THE FUCK?

Dear Arthur:

You truly are an idiot. JUST TELL MERLIN HOW YOU FEEL.

And stop bossing Gwen, or I'll kick your ass! (and not in a kinky way).

Did you like my Arthurian legends reference? I thought that would do the trick.

Morgana.

Dear Morgana:

It turned out you were right. I liked the brat.

He is not that bad once you get to know him, still makes me want to kick him sometimes. He has a whip in his bedroom though and I'm a very creative guy. I'll manage.

By the way, Gwen told me about you and how you are also Arthur's stepsister.

Thank you for your help. You have weird thoughts about your brother.

Appreciative:

Merlin.

Dear Merlin:

I'm glad my idiotic brother finally got some sense into him.

Don't spoil Arthur, he needs a firm hand (and feel free to be as naughty as you like about it)

Good luck!

Morgana.

Dear Morgana:

You told Merlin to file a sexual harassment complaint against me? How dare you!

Dear Arthur:

You were the one stalking him. And be glad I didn't tell him about how you transferred poor Lancelot just because he was also interested in him.

Now leave me alone and use a phone like a normal person. This is for people who really need my help.

Morgana.

Morgana closed her laptop with a smile. After months of seeing her brother suffering for that mysterious receptionist in his office, he'd finally done something about it.

"Those two are cute." Gwen put her arms around Morgana's waist, smiling.

"They were clueless until you pointed them in the right direction."

"I just told them about the website. You did the hard work."

"With Arthur, everything is hard work. Now, I need to get ready. I have a date with the hottest woman I've ever seen." Morgana turned around to kiss Gwen's cheek.

"Okay, you should invite her sometime," Gwen chuckled.

Getting up, Gwen gave Morgana a chaste kiss and fled to the bedroom. Morgana took a picture of Merlin and Arthur taken during an office's party which Uther had invited her to and put it on wall full of photographs. Another couple brought together thanks to 'Camelot's adviser'. Glancing to the center of the wall, she saw the first portrait she took of her and Gwen after they became a couple.

After all, they were the first ones who got together by the website.

But that's another story…