Title: Nicknames

Author: Linstock

Code: Ensemble

Rating: PG

Type: Humour

Summary: He was not just a fat and adorable, yellow, fellow (albeit furry) officer, he was a hedonist. A group of friends toast the dear departed Captain Sparrow.

"Late as usual," shouted Ryus as Lieutenant Commander Archibald joined the group.

"Unlike you, some of us have to work," replied Archibald in a rolling deep baritone. He pulled a chair over and high-handedly bullied everyone at the table until they made room for him. He settled himself in a chair opposite Uhura and beamed at her.

He extended his hand and said, "Fair lady, I am Horatio Eustace John Archibald, at your service."

Uhura was rather impressed by this imperious and imposing man.

"Cadet Uhura," she replied as his large hand engulfed hers.

"What, may I enquire, is your chosen field, fair lady?" Archibald enquired.

"Communications, and at present I am also Commander Spock's research assistant."

"Impressive. If you meet our Vulcan commander's high standards you must indeed be formidable." He pronounced the last with a rolling French accent.

"You can see where he got his nickname," Smithson stated dryly.

Archibald turned to Smithson and barked, "Smithson, do you really want to start talking nicknames?"

Calls of "ohhh" were heard and general rowdy banter broke out amongst all the people at the table. Uhura caught "honey tongue", "iron pants", "chooky", "balderdash", "hotpants", "mustard", "the exterminator" and "fog" although she could not quite catch which sobriquet belong to whom.

After some time Archibald leaned forward conspiratorially and said, "Dear lady, you will note how the pointy eared gentleman next to you avoids this conversation?"

Uhura nodded.

"Anyone would think that he is without a nickname from his days as a cadet. This is not so. There are those at this table who know the good commander's secret."

Archibald winked and continued, "Note how he feigns indifference and pretends not to hear me? I know this for what it is: he is nervous; he does not want his secret revealed."

"We are here to memorialise Captain Sparrow. It is illogical to digress into a discussion of trivial and unrelated matters," Spock stated rather pompously.

"Not so and far otherwise!" Archibald cried, leaning back and gesturing expansively, knocking over several empty glasses. "The good Captain is instrumental in the matter."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Smithson, "I'd forgotten." She leaned over to Smidders and whispered, causing him snort loudly and exclaim, "I remember."

Archibald settled into his story. "A long time ago, when we were young and callow…"

"Oh for crying out loud, Balderdash," sighed Ryus, "spare us the dramatics,"

"Ignore them, they are philistines," commented Archibald to Uhura. "In those halcyon days we were wont to laze in the gardens of this fine institution of learning, as do the carefree students of today."

The general groans and abuse directed at Archibald were totally ignored but the man.

"We" and Archibald gestured widely to encompass those at the table and beyond, "noticed a strange phenomenon. The good and lately lamented Captain Sparrow, when ever the opportunity presented itself, would invariably choose to settle in the lap of Mr Spock rather than his equally worthy peers." Archibald paused dramatically.

"It's true," Smithson said. "Every time. It drove Matthew crazy; he had that pitiful ploy of trying to get a date using the Captain as bait. Remember? Whenever he wanted to find the Captain he would ask, 'Where's Spock?'."

"It wasn't only the Captain," Ryus proclaimed. "I remember when the first batch of the Captain's kittens arrived and the mother brought them out to meet the world. I once saw Spock virtually covered in kittens. I couldn't get near them."

"Shows the Captain's offspring had some sense," an unidentified voice chimed in.

"I sometimes wondered if Spock kept kippers in his pockets," Ryus murmured. This comment invoked an utterly ridiculous round of speculation about what else Spock could have in his pockets to lure the Captain.

Spock stated calmly, "It was a straightforward matter of relative body temperatures." But no one paid any attention.

Ignoring the general hubbub Pike spoke to Spock quietly. "I remember once hearing what I thought sounded like a small engine running. I peered around some bushes and saw you lying on your back on the grass with the Captain draped over you like a rug, his head on your chest and two legs hanging on each side of your torso. You had your eyes closed and were just stroking the Captain's back. The captain's purrs were what attracted my attention. I do not think I have ever seen any creature who looked as utterly content as the Captain did then."

Pike was a very observant man. He noticed Cadet Uhura's sudden stillness and the deliberately casual way she smoothed her hair behind her ear with her right hand, her face turning ever so slightly in the direction of the tall commander beside her. He noticed Spock's eyes flick quickly to Uhura's face and then away and the faint green tint to the very tips of his ears.

A vision flashed in Pike's mind's eye of another body draped across the commander's torso, sated, indolent and luxuriantly at ease…as the commander's long fingered hand lazily caressed.

"My, my" mused Pike to himself, "you may have hidden depths, commander; still waters, indeed."

Oblivious of anything but his own story, and impatient to finish, Archibald banged the table and continued loudly, "As has been corroborated by my colleagues, we all noticed that it was not just the Captain; any cat that had the choice would invariably choose Spock."

"Of course that is what earned the Commander his nickname," Archibald confided sotto voce to Uhura.

By now Spock had Archibald pinned with a steely glare, but the latter continued undaunted. Looking furtively from side to side as if to ensure they were not overheard, he wiggled his eyebrows and said, "The pussy magnet."

It was unfortunate that Uhura had just taken a drink from her beer; as it sprayed out her nose the protracted coughing fit that ensured prevented any conversation for some time.

Eventually, her eyes still streaming, Uhura looked across the table at Archibald and breathlessly whispered, "Really?"

He nodded solemnly and theatrically crossed his heart. "Really."

Uhura turned to look at Spock. Spock slowly turned to look at her, raised one eyebrow, and tilted his head rakishly. Uhura's mouth fell open and, for once, she was utterly speechless.

Au: This was inspired by a beautiful Spock and cats pic and also TOS Spock's wicked way of raising an eyebrow and tiling his head, such a subtle move and so devastatingly suggestive.