Errm well, don't know really yet, where this is going. It's not going to be a serious Sue, but more a parody or bashing of these things. Sue's rather happy, but our first person narrator isn't. Please help me improving by showing me my mistakes in spelling as well as in grammar and context =) But please be little lenient for I'm not a native speaker

Disclaimer: Well, since I am not male, a genius and certainly not dead I do not own Middle-Earth.

Since I am not male and a genius I do not own the Discworld Death.

I am just taking persons and places and play a little with them =)

I never wanted this.
I never asked for this.

Well, under different circumstances I would have loved to be here. However these circumstances made it impossible to even like it a bit!

Oh, I hope you forgive me my rambling. Maybe I should start at the beginning of this whole, er, incident.

/_/_/_/

I was minding my own business, reading a nice book about Discworld. I wasn't bothering anyone, just sitting in the classroom, waiting for the last lesson of the day to begin. Then she walked in.

She was perfect. In any way possible. Well, at least she thought so - no - she thinks so, none's ever going to be able to change that. Her name's Mary. Please don't laugh. It's true and it totally fits this story.

You know, she has a second name. I didn't know back then, but well her full name is Mary Sue Trent. She has long blond hair. Oh, don't mind that she didn't have blond hair in first grade. Back then it was simple and plain brown, just a little lighter than my own. And she has ever so perfect blue eyes. I shouldn't forget to mention her perfect pure skin perfectly tanned.

I could throw up at the very thought of her... And no! I am not - N O T - jealous of her!
I like myself and my brain, which doesn't reside in my breasts. Not to mention that I have a healthy figure instead of being thin enough to have my spine broken by a sudden rush of wind.

Well, back to the story.
Now, you see, she walked in ever giggling with her "friends", chattering with them about ever so important topics like:

"Oh, my! Nooooo! I have forgotten my favourite hairbrush at home!" That topic was continued by three hours of whining until she had the brilliant thought of searching her bag...

However toady's topic was "Isn't Leggy totally hawt? And don't cha think he'd fall immediately in love with me?"

Ouch. You see, I'm not only a fan of good, old Disc, but of Middle-Earth as well. I'm not going to ramble about my thoughts in that very moment. However I'll tell you what happened after she stated that the first time, after having been to the movies.

/_/_/_/

I asked her, whether she could truly believe that a hundred of years old Tawarwaith had nothing better to do than to fall in love with a stupid and pretending mortal girl.

Then she gave me a stare of "Huuuuuuuuh?" I blinked, pinched my nose and asked friendly: "You have never read anything about Middle-Earth, have you?"
Still a blank stare. "The world, where Lord of the Rings takes place?" I continued.

Then she came back to life, smacked my forehead with her perfectly polished nails: "Duuuuuh! Normal people do not - N O, errrr, T - read movies." she said and walked giggling off with her so called "friends".

I simply sighed and continued reading a text for history class.

/_/_/_/

Ahm, yes, you see, we aren't best friends. That makes me think about why I helped - or rather tried to help - her in first place.
I should have let her been hit by that truck! Without doing anything, but noooo, neither my pride nor my conscience would have any of that. That's how I got stuck in this damned situation! Dammit!

You might be wondering about the truck thing, so I'm going to tell you.

The last lesson was finally finished, everyone in the room silently thanked whatever gods they prayed to for that. I grabbed my things, stuffed them in my backpack and made my way out of the damned building called "school".

Outside I met my best friend, just like planned. I grinned wholeheartedly and embraced him. He grinned back at me.

"In for some beating up?" He asked.

It took me a second to understand before I answered: "No, not today. Got to help my mum in the garden. Otherwise she won't let us train the swordfighting in there. Ever. Again!" I used Mary's tone of "I have broken a nail" for that last part.

He feigned a gasp and said in a tone, mocking Mary's: "Nooooo!"

We both laughed. Suddenly he turned serious, grasped my arm and spun me around.
"Look there! It's Mary and her friends." he hissed into my ear.

And really, oh gods let her turn around, the bunch of giggling things made their way to us. Whatever could she...? Oh, yeah, right.
I didn't tell you that Mary thought to have a crush on my best friend? True, he doesn't look too bad, but he's too intelligent to fall for her ways.

"Hiiii, Jonathan! You know you could always come to my party tomorrow evening, if you only left that at home." Mary said, resting her hands on his shoulders, ready to kiss him any moment, and her brain-dead friends giggled. With "that" she meant me.

He peeled her hands off, replying disgusted: "Do not call me Jonathan. And never call my best friend 'that'." He brushed over his shoulders as if there was dirt left. I stifled a serious fit of laughter. Never ever make the mistake and call him Jonathan. He was named after his uncle, whom he erm rather dislikes. He goes by the nickname of Jack.
I wouldn't have to intervene in this talk. Mary made herself a laugh and Jack would turn her away for the - let me think - third time - this week.

"But you could be so totally famous around here, if you dropped her and became my boyfriend!" Okay Mary that was a step too far! I inhaled to give a sharp reply, but Jack was faster.

"Yeah, of course. Everything is about fame and having more idiots around you than you can count! You know, I like to have friends, staying true to me, if I am in trouble, not mindless zombies, that giggle all the time. And by the way, just because I hang around a lot with Lilian, that doesn't mean, that she's my girlfriend. That's just that way in your world. So get lost!"

Close your mouth Mary, it's not the first time you hear something like this from him. Poor Jack, must have had a bad day, normally he isn't one to loose his temper easily. Otherwise he'd be a bad sword fighter. If I weren't concerned for Jack, I'd laugh at Mary. She opened and closed her mouth quite often, making her look like a guppy. Well, good Jack would have to wait until Mary left. He wouldn't want to talk about anything in front of her.

Then she turned around, making her hair fly around her head. "Fine." she snapped "Fine! But don't think you'll ever get any friends here anymore!" Sheesh! She'd never understand...

She stalked away with her friends 'humpf'ing us. Just three steps away she gave all her friends little kisses and said goodbye.

I turned to Jack and wanted to ask him, what was wrong, when I saw Mary being unbelievably stupid out of the corner of my eye. She walked over the street, her nose up, watching Jack and me over her shoulder. She would never see the truck in time!

My body reacted without my mind. I spun around and raced over to the street, waving my arms and shouting at her. That stupid idiot just stared at me baffled, not moving an inch. I wanted to stop, knowing I wouldn't stand a chance of survival, yet I couldn't. Later I would find out why...

I raced in Mary trying to bring the two of us out of the truck's way. I knew there was no chance and we both screamed. Hell, I never felt so undignified and I could have never cared less about it.

I don't remember much of the impact with the truck, neither did I hear the breaks squealing or anything. No. Just silence. I didn't feel much pain either, shock or something like that, I assume now.

Jack's face appeard in front of mine, he looked like he was talking to me urgently. But I heard naught. Slowly his face faded out of focus and two other persons- no rather, beings - beings floated in sight.

/_/_/_/

Dieing is odd.

Even more so, when there a two beings arguing about seemingly you.

Hmm, if dieing was anything like described in Disc novels, then I should be able to...
I got up leaving my body behind. Great, so I was dead and it was a bit like on Disc.

I watched the two entities closer.
One was dressed in a black robe, a scythe lying beside it and a hourglass in its hand. That would be Death then.
However I couldn't discern the second entity. It seemed vaguely familiar, maybe I had read a description of it somewhere, somewhen, but I couldn't remember.

What struck me as odd, was the fact, that there was still sand in what appeared to be my timer. Why, I thought, am I dead then?

I decided against making them notice me and listen to them.

"SHE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE NOW." spoke the figure in black. So that was settled, it is Death. He spoke always in capitals in Disc novels.

"You did not make such a fuss about the other girl." said the other one. Death sighed. Cool, he didn't even have a breath.

"HER TIME WAS UP." Ah, so Mary was already dead.

At least something, I wouldn't have to travel with her to the next world. But wait! I wasn't supposed to die! I cannot die! Not here and not now! Death would make sure of that! What did he say in one of the Disc novels? "There's no justice just me" or something like that?

My little mental Lilian made a victory dance. I just had forgotten that I was now only mental Lilian. Dammit! I had made the victory dance, bugger that was embarassing!

They both stared at me. Okay now's the time to say it: "You'll be Death, then?" Weeee! Commander Sam Vimes had said that, when he underwent a near-death experience, ah that's a different story!

Death grinned, basically he always did so, but still: "YOU READ SOME NOVELS ABOUT DISCWORLD, RIGHT?"
Got to love that voice!

I nodded and said: "So I don't have to worry about dieing, then? I mean there's still sand in my timer and everything?"

The other figure sighed and replied: "You see, when your friend..."

WHAT? FRIEND? Never! I interrupted him forcefully: "That girl is everything, but not my friend!"

Both gave me again a stare. Oops.

"IF YOU ARE NOT, WHY DID YOU TRY TO SAVE HER? AND NO, YOU WON'T DIE NOW." I stared blanky at Death, who gave the other guy a sharp glance. I hadn't wanted to, well in the beginning I had. However I had noticed I wouldn't be able to and had wanted to stop. And found myself unable to do so.

"I didn't want to. I simply did." Okay, that sounded odd, even to my ears.

"Maybe I can explain that." Wow, that's the first time the other one directed a word at me. I glanced at him.

"Then explain! Why couldn't I stop running?" I was annoyed. Even if I did survive, the chance was high that I wouldn't even be able to lift a spoon.

Oh, and he did explain!

"What do you know about Middle-Earth's creation?" he asked.

"Uhm, to put it in a nutshell: Firstly there was that melody or song or something along there lines made by Illúvatar and the Ainur. Then it became real and those Ainur, who went to Middle-Earth were henceforth called Valar. I just don't get what this has to do with this whole damn situation!" I grew more and more frustrated.

That guy just smiled at me and nodded. "That should suffice for now. And you shouldn't be that impatient. I'll get to that point now." At this I rolled my eyes and tapped my foot.

He looked at me sternly, until I stopped tapping, and went on: "I am M... one of the Valar. And since you know about us Valar, you surely know about the Maiar as well?" I simply nodded, wanting that guy- Valar, I corrected myself mentally, to go on. "Perfectly. Then you surely know about Melkor and Sauron, too?"

I closed my eyes, drew in breath and held it for some seconds to calm myself. If that guy didn't stop talking in riddles and about things I already know soon, I'd rip his head off, Valar or no.

"Yes, I know about them! However I fail to see a connection to me!" I would soon go spare.

"Patience, child. Sauron has regained a lot of his former power by now."

I bristled with anger: "So the War of the Ring is going to take place for a second time rather soon, isn't it?"

He affirmed it and went on, once again: "However, Sauron has discovered this world and with that your books and, what do you call it again? Moowes? And thus-"

"Movies!" I corrected him, he looked a bit affronted and DEATH looked, as if he asked himself why he hadn't brought a book. I shrugged and finished his sentence:" And thus gained knowledge about his defeat. Right?"

The Valar sighed: "Yes, he did. And-"

"Wouldn't he try to change it then?" I interrupted, watching Death as he had sat himself down and waited for that Valar to be finished.

"He does! He does! That's the reason he brought - what was her name again?- Mary to Middle-Earth!" The Valar told me.

"Great! I just fail to see, where that's my problem!" I snapped and dropped myself to the floor. Okay, I admit, I can get rather errrm unfriendly, too. But I plead for clemency! I am more or less dead right now.

Death grinned, as always, but the Valar shook his head. "Well, I brought you here..."

I jumped up, interrupting him again: "So you killed me!" He looked as if he wanted to say something, but Death intervened helpfully.

"BASICALLY YOU'RE NOT DEAD, YOU'RE JUST UNDERGOING A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE."

"I don't care, okay? I am dead! And if I survive, I am going to be and invalid for the rest of my pitiful life!" I hate it! I HATE IT!

Now the Valar sighed: "I brought you here on purpose. Sauron knows that he cannot change what is going to come. That is if everything goes as planned. Mary wasn't planned and she could mess up everything."

I looked at him. Something dawned to me, but I shoved it into the back of my mind and settled for being annoying: "Could? You know, she IS going to mess everything up. And do not even bother to send me with her. She would never listen to me." I smiled innocently. Is it my fault, that she won't see reason?

The Valar rubbed his temples - ah, so Valar can get headaches, too! "She might not listen to you, but she might listen to someone else? She wouldn't be able to recognize you."

Okay, so he wanted me to go with her. Great. You see, that's the first part of the circumstances I meant, but only the first part. It gets worse. Believe me.

I thought about it. He offered me to go to Middle-Earth, one of my greatest dreams ever. I would have to take care of a Mary-Sue called Mary. What weighed more? Advantages or disadvantages?

Going to Middle-Eart versus Mary.
Seeing places I had always dreamt of versus Mary.

Eh... you get the thing...

"What would happen, if I declined your, errm 'offer'?" I asked suspiciously.

Death and Valar looked at each other.
It took a moment until the Valar spoke: "Well, you would get send back into your body and as you said, you'd most likely not be able to 'lift a spoon'. If you survived at all."

"WHY SHE WOULD SURVIVE, DEFINETLY. THERE'S STILL SAND IN HER TIMER." Death, of course, who else?

"Fine. You would survive." That Valar again.

I wanted to speak at this, but he went on:

"However, if you went to Middle-Earth and took care of Mary and, well, the future as it is planned, then there could be a solution to that problem."

Stunned I stared at him. He wanted to blackmail me into taking care of Mary? Nooooo. No, no.

"No freaking damn way! Even if I have to be trapped inside my body for the rest of my damned life, there's no way I'll babysit Mary! She's a freaking braindead zombie, caring only about her hairstyle, nails and make up!"

Both stared at me, once again. Well, I have very little sense of self-preservation.

On the other hand... Having to rely on others for everything. Even going to toilet. No more privacy. No more sparring.. No more damn living!

Maybe I should reconsider?

"Uhm... I think I take that last statement back?" Dammit, they must think me to be insane, but hey! Who cares. They are 'only' Death and a Valar. By the way, what's DEATH doing here? Shouldn't be on the Disc?

The Valar beamed at me. Great a Valar that's as insane as me...

"Now that's settled then! You see in your new ... body... you'll have different, er, abilities than you could have in this one. However you have to be patient and grow used to them."

New ... body... I do not like that pausing, that seems to be something bad, really bad, even worse than bad!

I gulped, opened and closed my mouth, gulped again, felt an expression of horror spreading over my face.

"Reconsidering again is not an option, I assume?"

That cursed Valar grinned at me, negated it.

I dropped my head and muttered a sarcastic "Great."

"Now be ready for dimension-travelling, little girl. And... think of a name for yourself!" With these last words he waved at me and I felt myself dissipate.

"Wait!" I shouted. The dissipating stopped.

"What now?" A seemingly annoyed Valar groaned.

I smiled at Death "Why are you here and not on the Disc?"

"I AM THERE AS WELL." Great that much I knew! I inhaled to speak again, but Death went on. "BUT ROUNDWORLD DEATH TOOK A DAY OFF."

I had to laugh. "It was cool to meet you, Death. I hope we won't see each other too soon again." I grinned lopsidedly and Death even laughed. That was great, worth dieing even!

"Could we now get on with this?" asked our friend the Valar. I nodded, he waved I dissipated again.

Or maybe just my consciousness dissipated, well, that thing called 'soul'.

Then there was nothing.

A/N.: So, that's it for now. As I said, I don't know where this is going to lead to. However I have already a few situations in mind, but please, if you have ideas for this, I'd love to hear them. Lilian's doom isn't total yet, she can decline, I mean taking care of a Sue? But even if she accepts, there's a little something in store for her :D